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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she'll need to make other arrangements.

174 replies

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:00

My husband is away with work next week working abroad, been arranged for a long time. His older children were due to be with his mum that week but she was invited to a hen week of a friend starting Wednesday. She begged, pretty much literally, me to have them so she could go. I said no initially as I'm working in the week and have my hands full with our own young DC without DH but she wore me down a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway my son who is 1.5 has started with some mystery chest illness yesterday. Spiking a temp of 40 a few times and very very chesty / miserable.

He is prone to chest issues and is on quite a few things for it, he gets chest problems regularly and has been admitted to hospital multiple times with chest problems. They believe it's something to do with his airway being smaller than usual so when it swells when he's poorly it can get very bad/ wheezy / low oxygen levels, even blue lighted once due to him looking blue. Basically anything with his chest is a massive worry.

I've told DSC mum that she is probably best arranging something else now as I cannot guarantee I'll be able to look after DSC whilst she's away (she was wanting to bring them tomorrow even though she's not travelling until late Tues / early Wed).

I cannot deal with the stress of having two extra DC around when I may have to rush DS somewhere if he worsens and frankly I'm bloody knackered as it is and not likely to get any better for this week.

Anyway, long story short I'm now the devil incarnate, she's threatening to bring them anyway blah blah. AIBU to ignore ignore ignore and focus on my unwell child. I honestly don't really care what she arranges, my son is more important than her pissy weekend. DH has told her to leave me alone and has said to just ignore her.

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 16/04/2023 13:01

Their ages are pretty important here.

Original poster
Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:05

Late primary school age. They'll both need taking and collecting too and I just can't guarantee I can do it. I never wanted to in the first place but she wouldn't stop mithering. Now with this on top I just can't guarantee. I don't have contact with anyone who'd be able to sort picking them up/dropping them off etc.. if I was at the hospital with DS and I don't want to be thinking about then anyway.

OP posts:
Paperexcelandpens · 16/04/2023 13:05

Your first paragraph says it's your DH mum but I think reading through its the step kids mum. Is that correct?

Original poster
Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:06

Sorry yes bit of a typo! It's the DSC mum, my husband's ex wife.

OP posts:
LovedmyRaleighChopper · 16/04/2023 13:09

The only way you strike me as being unreasonable was in agreeing to add the dsc to your work load in the first place. Of course your own ill child is your priority. The ex must be disappointed but as an adult she needs to suck it up, her kids are her responsibility and if she can’t palm them off on anyone else she’ll have to cancel the hen trip. It was only arranged a few weeks ago so she can’t have been looking forward to it for that long either. Also she is BVU to threaten to turn up with them anyway! Blackmail like that would see hell freeze over before I helped her out again.

Nowvoyager99 · 16/04/2023 13:10

You need better boundaries! Why on earth would you agree to this in the first place?

Tell her you will DEFINITELY be unavailable, and your neighbours are likely to call Social Services if they see unaccompanied children dumped outside your house.

alwaysmovingforwards · 16/04/2023 13:11

Nowvoyager99 · 16/04/2023 13:10

You need better boundaries! Why on earth would you agree to this in the first place?

Tell her you will DEFINITELY be unavailable, and your neighbours are likely to call Social Services if they see unaccompanied children dumped outside your house.

Agreed.
You should have just said no from the start and meant it.

DPotter · 16/04/2023 13:12

Your DH needs to step up here and tell the arrangement is off due to ill health and she'll need to make other arrangements and to not even dream of bringing the children to you. If she tries to drop them off. Keep the door locked. If she leave the kids on the doorstep - social services / police. But I am one to fight fire with fire.

next time - say no - rinse and repeat.

Original poster
Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:12

I really wish I had just stuck with my no. She's like a dog with a bone sometimes and I just like a quiet life!

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 16/04/2023 13:16

‘No’ is your friend here. You giving in showed her that by applying enough pressure she’ll get her own way, so she’s absolutely going to continue doing that. Stand firm on the no.

Eggseggseverywhere · 16/04/2023 13:18

Personally I would block her number.. Dh can deal with her agro and all future arrangements for their dsc.

funinthesun19 · 16/04/2023 13:18

I agree about better boundaries! Please say no next time. You owe her nothing.

And the fact that she’s kicking off now, knowing your situation with your DS, just shows what a selfish cow she is. Her social life is not your concern.

I’m glad your DH is on your side.

Tell her going forward you are doing nothing for her, just so you’re all clear where you all stand in future. Hasn’t she got her own support network she can ask?

funinthesun19 · 16/04/2023 13:20

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:12

I really wish I had just stuck with my no. She's like a dog with a bone sometimes and I just like a quiet life!

You’ll never have a quiet life with someone like that nagging you and hassling you. If you are firmer she will be more likely to leave you alone.

TooMuchStuffArghhh · 16/04/2023 13:26

Had your husband agreed to have his older children and then arranged to go away for work?

If he had agreed, and then his ex wife had paid for the hen do it's his fault.

Why should the ex wife have to lose her holiday because he has gone away to work.

Original poster
Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:28

TooMuchStuffArghhh · 16/04/2023 13:26

Had your husband agreed to have his older children and then arranged to go away for work?

If he had agreed, and then his ex wife had paid for the hen do it's his fault.

Why should the ex wife have to lose her holiday because he has gone away to work.

No we've known about this work trip for ages, much longer than the hen do.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 16/04/2023 13:30

TooMuchStuffArghhh · 16/04/2023 13:26

Had your husband agreed to have his older children and then arranged to go away for work?

If he had agreed, and then his ex wife had paid for the hen do it's his fault.

Why should the ex wife have to lose her holiday because he has gone away to work.

That’s not the case going by what‘s in the OP.

The ex asked op directly, implying she knew her children’s father was unavailable. And his work plans have been in place for a while I think, something the ex will have been well aware of.
It says the children were meant to be with their mum this weekend, so this hen do sounds like a last minute plan. Either that or she forgot about it and she’s now panicking. Either way, if it’s always meant to be the ex’s weekend it’s not really OP’s problem, especially when op is busy with her sick DC.

TooMuchStuffArghhh · 16/04/2023 13:36

Well in that case, she she shouldn't have arranged to go. It's not going to be possible for you to.look after them.

That's what happens when you've got kids, plans go awry. At least she won't ask again after this!

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2023 13:59

YANBU, and now you know not to agree to have them for her again!

OlympicProcrastinator · 16/04/2023 14:04

The fact that she’d happily send her kids to someone’s house knowing they could catch a chest infection so she could go on a hen weekend would be enough for me to never ever do her a favour again

Cheeseandlobster · 16/04/2023 14:09

Yanbu. She should have respected the first no. And why on earth does she need to drop them off tomorrow?

Flossyhair · 16/04/2023 14:23

The best thing that I have realised is that I am no longer afraid to do what is right for me and if that means being the bad guy, then fuck it - I will wear that badge with pride.

It can be hard developing you boundaries but once you have said your first 'No, I can't do that' then it is a lot easier from then onwards.

Let her mither you and let her judge you - that is her issue. Just you focus on your children and she can sort her own stuff out.

If she does turn up with them, then ignore the door and let her tantrum outside all she likes.

I really hope your little boy is OK xx

SocialLite · 16/04/2023 20:18

Advise her that it's not possible for you to babysit because of your sons illness (their father will not be there and you do not have parental responsibility so it is babysitting) and that if she brings them anyway you will have to report to social services that she has abandoned her children.

You have to provide the child you are responsible for.

SocialLite · 16/04/2023 20:18

Urgh... auto correct... prioritise, not provide

Cakencookieobsessed · 16/04/2023 20:25

I'd have just minded them. They're your husband's kids, they're family, not random kids and they're in your life whether you like it or not. I think you are being unreasonable.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/04/2023 20:38

Cakencookieobsessed · 16/04/2023 20:25

I'd have just minded them. They're your husband's kids, they're family, not random kids and they're in your life whether you like it or not. I think you are being unreasonable.

Did you miss that it's not just minding? She's got to take to and from school AND she's got a poorly little one.