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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she'll need to make other arrangements.

174 replies

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:00

My husband is away with work next week working abroad, been arranged for a long time. His older children were due to be with his mum that week but she was invited to a hen week of a friend starting Wednesday. She begged, pretty much literally, me to have them so she could go. I said no initially as I'm working in the week and have my hands full with our own young DC without DH but she wore me down a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway my son who is 1.5 has started with some mystery chest illness yesterday. Spiking a temp of 40 a few times and very very chesty / miserable.

He is prone to chest issues and is on quite a few things for it, he gets chest problems regularly and has been admitted to hospital multiple times with chest problems. They believe it's something to do with his airway being smaller than usual so when it swells when he's poorly it can get very bad/ wheezy / low oxygen levels, even blue lighted once due to him looking blue. Basically anything with his chest is a massive worry.

I've told DSC mum that she is probably best arranging something else now as I cannot guarantee I'll be able to look after DSC whilst she's away (she was wanting to bring them tomorrow even though she's not travelling until late Tues / early Wed).

I cannot deal with the stress of having two extra DC around when I may have to rush DS somewhere if he worsens and frankly I'm bloody knackered as it is and not likely to get any better for this week.

Anyway, long story short I'm now the devil incarnate, she's threatening to bring them anyway blah blah. AIBU to ignore ignore ignore and focus on my unwell child. I honestly don't really care what she arranges, my son is more important than her pissy weekend. DH has told her to leave me alone and has said to just ignore her.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 16/04/2023 23:22

Why does she even communicate with you? Can’t you block her and get all
Communication to go through your DH? Seems odd that she is requesting you do childcare and treating to drop them off to you as if you are a parent too. Ok you are a step parent but the kids have 2 parents and shouldn’t it be them 2 communicating to ensure there is childcare?

justanotherdrama · 16/04/2023 23:26

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 22:44

If she does turn up with them no idea what I'll do. Will have to keep the door locked I suppose.

Block her on the phone
Keep the front door locked

And stick to your guns!!!!

Phone your husband up and tell
Him he needs to speak to
Her

This is totally unfair to you! You have enough stress without all this!!

A hen do is not essential either

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 23:29

To those saying that OP doesn't have to do it - of course she doesn't. I wrote the same thing. She did however already said yes, even if she regrets it now. And now she wants to cancel at a day's notice.

If she does not want to help she should not have committed to it in the first place. However unreasonable that request was, in her opinion. If OP is so sure that she absolutely cannot and does not want do it then just cancel.

My point is, if you feel this way you really should not have agreed in the first place - because you CAN do it. And they are not some random neighbours kids - they are your husband's children, so it was ok to make this request and you did agree.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/04/2023 23:30

Bunnichick · 16/04/2023 20:55

@Cakencookieobsessed should OP be able to call the ex for free childcare whoever it suits as well then?

It's not the same at all. The ex isn't the stepmother to their children.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/04/2023 23:30

Kanaloa · 16/04/2023 23:21

I don’t think you’d have been unreasonable to insist from the beginning that you can’t take DH kids when he isn’t available to care for them and stick to that firmly. I think it’s slightly unreasonable to say yes and then later refuse on pretty short notice. If you didn’t want to you should have been clear from the get go.

Yes, how inconsiderate of OP’s 1.5yo not to give more notice that he was going to come down poorly yesterday,

Kanaloa · 16/04/2023 23:31

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/04/2023 23:30

Yes, how inconsiderate of OP’s 1.5yo not to give more notice that he was going to come down poorly yesterday,

Show quote history

From the op it’s pretty clear that she didn’t want to do it from the beginning. It would have helped if she had just been clear about that.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 16/04/2023 23:34

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 23:29

To those saying that OP doesn't have to do it - of course she doesn't. I wrote the same thing. She did however already said yes, even if she regrets it now. And now she wants to cancel at a day's notice.

If she does not want to help she should not have committed to it in the first place. However unreasonable that request was, in her opinion. If OP is so sure that she absolutely cannot and does not want do it then just cancel.

My point is, if you feel this way you really should not have agreed in the first place - because you CAN do it. And they are not some random neighbours kids - they are your husband's children, so it was ok to make this request and you did agree.

Since when is one mum going on a hen do so much more important than another mum potentially having to rush her child to hospital due to breathing difficulties?

Life happens, children get sick, the OP needs to prioritise her child's needs over her stepchildren mothers needs

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:35

Why isn't your husband cancelling his work trip if he has one seriously ill child and two other children that need him as a parent?

billy1966 · 16/04/2023 23:37

OP,

I hope your child picks up soon.

You sound exhausted.

If you weren't so tired you would realise just how absolutely ridiculous this is.

Do not allow yourself to be used as a skivvy au pair by this woman.

His children are not for you to mind because his ex is a nag.

You actually sound vulnerable that she can get her way by nagging.

Block her number so she can't.

Let him deal with her.

This is not your issue to solve.

Never say yes again as anything like this can happen and all you get is abuse from her.

Focus on minding yourself during this time.

Schnooze · 16/04/2023 23:38

Given he’s ill yanbu, but if he’s a bit better tomorrow you should if you can, as you should have said no to begin with.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/04/2023 23:38

Kanaloa · 16/04/2023 23:31

From the op it’s pretty clear that she didn’t want to do it from the beginning. It would have helped if she had just been clear about that.

Show quote history

Yes it’s clear she didn’t want to from the beginning, but on balance she decided to help out. Her LO coming down with a chest infection has tipped that balance the other way. Regardless of the rights and wrongs at the heart of this situation are two DSC where it cannot be argued that it’s in their best interest to be in avoidable contact with a poorly sibling, possibly dragged along to hospital if he takes a turn for the worse, when they have their own mother who could be taking care of them.

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2023 23:38

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

If they were my own older kids I’d be thinking this trip of dhs would be hell on earth for me and pulling in all the favours in advance to have arrangements for the older dc so I could take younger Dc to the hospital. They aren’t her own kids so she does NOT have to do that. If her Dh were going on a stag not an important work trip she’d probably ask him to cancel if they were her kids. They aren’t her kids and it’s a hens their mum is going on she’s not going in for lifesaving surgery.

billy1966 · 16/04/2023 23:39

The fact she wants to drop them monday evening even though she may not leave till Wednesday morning, tells you what a mug she thinks you are.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 16/04/2023 23:39

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:35

Why isn't your husband cancelling his work trip if he has one seriously ill child and two other children that need him as a parent?

about are really asking why the dad doesn't cancel a work trip hes known about for months that falls outside his time with the children because the mum wants to go on a last minute hen do?

I mean one of the parents of the older Hildenborough should be cancelling their plans, but a work trip trumps a hen do!

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2023 23:40

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:35

Why isn't your husband cancelling his work trip if he has one seriously ill child and two other children that need him as a parent?

Cancelling his work trip so his ex can go on a hens instead when it’s on her own contact time?? Really??

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:40

Dad just needs to cancel his work trip.

Crikey if it was a woman with a sick child, it's the norm.

Dad of 3, mother of 1.

Dad needs to sort it.

SparklyBlackKitten · 16/04/2023 23:40

You didnt need such a long explanation on why you didn't want to.
You are allowed to say no. Simple as that.

But to be honest , these kids are the same amount of percentage your husband's kids as your 'own' kids. They are related to your kids.

They are not just your dh's exes kids
They are your son's half-siblings. Plus you say they are older kids. So all you have to do is buy some food and snacks and give them a tablet and tv access...

mybeautifuloak · 16/04/2023 23:41

Cakencookieobsessed · 16/04/2023 20:25

I'd have just minded them. They're your husband's kids, they're family, not random kids and they're in your life whether you like it or not. I think you are being unreasonable.

Her baby is unwell. She doesn't need to be dragging the poorly child in and out to go do drop offs and pick ups just because the dcs mum wants to go party.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:43

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2023 23:40

Cancelling his work trip so his ex can go on a hens instead when it’s on her own contact time?? Really??

Show quote history

Well they're his kids - not OPs!

So no OP doesn't owe anything to anybody.

Work trip, or boozy do?

As said above, if it was a woman they'd have to cancel the work trip in all likelihood anyway.

Lefteyetwitch · 16/04/2023 23:43

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:40

Dad just needs to cancel his work trip.

Crikey if it was a woman with a sick child, it's the norm.

Dad of 3, mother of 1.

Dad needs to sort it.

It is sorted.
The OP has their child. She sounds more than capable.

And the other mother has the children during this time period.

She will have to cancel her hen do if she fails to find herself childcare.

custardbear · 16/04/2023 23:46

Fun hen do comes way behind your child's medical needs and your ability to deal with it. It's too much for you to do that, plus ensure other people's kids are ok whilatvotimary carer at that time wants to have fun on a hen party ... just no! She can find an alternative or wait til your DH is home to look after his kids

Mycathatesmecuddling · 16/04/2023 23:47

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:40

Dad just needs to cancel his work trip.

Crikey if it was a woman with a sick child, it's the norm.

Dad of 3, mother of 1.

Dad needs to sort it.

Dad has sorted it

He's trying to organise to come home sooner for the sick child but his wife is also there to look after them

The other two children can be looked after perfectly capably by their mother whose contact time it is anyway

A hen do does not trump a work trip especially when it's last minute and the work trip isn't

I would say the same if it was the dad trying to get out of parenting time because he had a stag do and the ex was on a work trip, then he would need to cancel

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:48

Mycathatesmecuddling · 16/04/2023 23:39

about are really asking why the dad doesn't cancel a work trip hes known about for months that falls outside his time with the children because the mum wants to go on a last minute hen do?

I mean one of the parents of the older Hildenborough should be cancelling their plans, but a work trip trumps a hen do!

Show quote history

I don't really give a fuck to be honest. I co-parent in a very relaxed style. Happy to change plans.

My first thought was that OP was laying on her child's illness - rushing to hospital with breathing difficulties that perhaps Dad might have stayed home anyway.

But no. None of the 3 children are that important to him, not even the seriously ill one.

There you go, true thoughts.

Lefteyetwitch · 16/04/2023 23:51

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:48

I don't really give a fuck to be honest. I co-parent in a very relaxed style. Happy to change plans.

My first thought was that OP was laying on her child's illness - rushing to hospital with breathing difficulties that perhaps Dad might have stayed home anyway.

But no. None of the 3 children are that important to him, not even the seriously ill one.

There you go, true thoughts.

Show quote history

You do know life does have to go on when people have medically complex children right?

Bills still need to be paid?
Work still needs to be done.

The risk of hospitalisation is high every time that baby gets a cold or chesty cough.....that thing kids seem to spread like butter.

So he should basically never ever leave?

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:51

OP should have said no.

Mother of other 2 would have to make alternate plans.

Dad should back OP and tell ex no.

Mother of 2 may miss hen do, no biggie.

Since when have hen do's been last minute anyway?