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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she'll need to make other arrangements.

174 replies

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:00

My husband is away with work next week working abroad, been arranged for a long time. His older children were due to be with his mum that week but she was invited to a hen week of a friend starting Wednesday. She begged, pretty much literally, me to have them so she could go. I said no initially as I'm working in the week and have my hands full with our own young DC without DH but she wore me down a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway my son who is 1.5 has started with some mystery chest illness yesterday. Spiking a temp of 40 a few times and very very chesty / miserable.

He is prone to chest issues and is on quite a few things for it, he gets chest problems regularly and has been admitted to hospital multiple times with chest problems. They believe it's something to do with his airway being smaller than usual so when it swells when he's poorly it can get very bad/ wheezy / low oxygen levels, even blue lighted once due to him looking blue. Basically anything with his chest is a massive worry.

I've told DSC mum that she is probably best arranging something else now as I cannot guarantee I'll be able to look after DSC whilst she's away (she was wanting to bring them tomorrow even though she's not travelling until late Tues / early Wed).

I cannot deal with the stress of having two extra DC around when I may have to rush DS somewhere if he worsens and frankly I'm bloody knackered as it is and not likely to get any better for this week.

Anyway, long story short I'm now the devil incarnate, she's threatening to bring them anyway blah blah. AIBU to ignore ignore ignore and focus on my unwell child. I honestly don't really care what she arranges, my son is more important than her pissy weekend. DH has told her to leave me alone and has said to just ignore her.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/04/2023 20:44

Do you know what time she is planning to drop them off? You need to be out. Can you spend the day at your parents or something?

funinthesun19 · 16/04/2023 20:49

Cakencookieobsessed · 16/04/2023 20:25

I'd have just minded them. They're your husband's kids, they're family, not random kids and they're in your life whether you like it or not. I think you are being unreasonable.

Did op say she doesn’t like them in her life? Quite a leap there!

I think it’s shocking that you expect OP to help the mum go on the hen do when she has her sick child to think about.

It’s mum’s day. The OP has no obligation to help her, particularly now her little one is poorly. This isn’t about OP wanting the kids out of her life.

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 20:52

Her kids, her responsibility. One more message:

‘As you know I was very, very unhappy saying yes in the first place and regret doing this. But now I am sorry but on this occasion you need to make other arrangements for the care of your children. I am not going to engage any further on this matter and if you bring them over I will not be answering the door’.

Then don’t reply to any more messages.

Bunnichick · 16/04/2023 20:54

You shouldn't have agreed to start with

YANBu to not want yo do it but just need to tell her properly now

Bunnichick · 16/04/2023 20:55

@Cakencookieobsessed should OP be able to call the ex for free childcare whoever it suits as well then?

potatowhale · 16/04/2023 20:58

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:12

I really wish I had just stuck with my no. She's like a dog with a bone sometimes and I just like a quiet life!

Then YABU I'm afraid. Stuck up for yourself for your sons sake.

Floribundaflummery · 16/04/2023 21:03

A hen week! It’s ridiculous to want to leave your children with their SM so she can go for a hen week when it’s her turn to look after them. She sounds entitled, pushy and selfish so make your no mean no from now own and block her for now.

Flyingsparks · 16/04/2023 21:08

@Bugggg From your account, the ex sounds unreasonable.

However, I think context is important here. Is this a 50/50 arrangement or does your DP only have them every other weekend?

If she’s got the lions share of childcare, then perhaps your DP needs to step up a bit more?

anyone who’s that desperate to go a hen do is obviously not going out much…

Not having a go here, OP, but the father of the kids seems to be getting very little flak about this.

and not all work trips are equal. Some are definitely missable- particularly if they’ve been planned far in advance and are for a long time.

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

Truestorypeeps · 16/04/2023 21:37

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 20:52

Her kids, her responsibility. One more message:

‘As you know I was very, very unhappy saying yes in the first place and regret doing this. But now I am sorry but on this occasion you need to make other arrangements for the care of your children. I am not going to engage any further on this matter and if you bring them over I will not be answering the door’.

Then don’t reply to any more messages.

I wouldn't use the word 'sorry', it implies she has something to be sorry for!

I agree with another poster that you need to block their number of let DH deal with her exclusively from now on. Be rid of the unnecessary drama.

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2023 21:39

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

They are actually their mother's kids, and other mother's would have to miss this trip if their dad wasn't available. Why is OP more accountable for not wanting to than her?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/04/2023 21:40

YANBU. Now you know for next time to not give in. I'd also stop being in contact with her so much, if at all and let your DH deal with it all.

He can start now by explaining to her very clearly, that he is working away and you are NOT having the children.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/04/2023 21:42

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

If they were her own kids , she probably could ask family or friends to help, she might have contacts at the school for drop offs and pick ups and her life generally set up around having 3 kids. But they aren't and she doesn't and as such she can't manage.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2023 21:45

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

Only someone with as much brass neck as the ex could post something so fucking unreasonable.

Their actual mother doesn’t want them when she’s got a better offer. How about she manages them.

Have a word with yourself.

whynotwhatknot · 16/04/2023 21:48

shes just been invited to a hen do? these things are organised months in advance dpoesnt sound like the truth and anyway she should have ust said she cant make it

Ghilliedu · 16/04/2023 21:55

Just wanted to say that my DD had the same issues as a baby and it was terrifying every time she got ill. I wouldn’t have been able to look after another 2 kids when it was going on - I ended up signed off work through the stress of it all. We eventually pushed for a consultant and she ended up with 2 inhalers and is now 6 and thriving. It will get easier but for now just do what you have to do. Good luck!

funinthesun19 · 16/04/2023 22:08

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

As with any mum, you muddle through the challenging bits. I’m a single mum of 4 and when one of them gets sick the others still need me too. No doubt about that.

BUT, op isn’t a mum of 3 or 4. She’s a mum of one. Why the F should she make it any harder than she needs to?? The older children have their own mum.

And yes a bit of this (in my eyes at least), is why should the op help the ex out? She has no friendship or emotional connection to her, and she doesn’t owe the ex a hen do.

SocialLite · 16/04/2023 22:26

On top of the ridiculousness of those suggesting she just does it anyway, those people seem to have missed that there is a serious risk of the OP's child having to go to hospital in the next few days. If she were to take her SC's then what would she do if her child does have to be rushed to hospital?

It was difficult for her to have them, but with her DC being ill it is now a serious risk for her to have them- they would have to go into foster care or she would have to leave her own child in hospital alone. This is not ok.

pizzaHeart · 16/04/2023 22:35

You are not being unreasonable to say no now. I would txt her again that circumstances are changed, your child is poorly, it’s serous and you may even need go to the hospital so you can’t help her.
I wouldn’t mention that you were pressured to say yes at the first place at all. You would help as promised ( I’m sure of it) but your child became ill.
By the way it’s not a great idea on the first place so hopefully you’ll be assertive next time.

Hope your little one is better soon and it’s nothing serious this time.

Original poster
Bugggg · 16/04/2023 22:43

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

Yes I'd have to manage somehow if they were my kids, but they aren't so I don't. They are their mum's children so she'll have to manage some other way.

As PP said I'd probably have better access to alternative arrangements if they were my children, school mum's, family etc... But again, as they aren't my children, I don't have the same access to alternative care arrangements for them.

I've told her properly now anyway and then said not to message again about it as I'm busy with LO. She hasn't so far but pretty sure she's been slagging me off to DH not that he's in agreement with her. He's trying to shorten his trip if he can to be here to help me with LO if they are still bad later in the week🤞

One less stress to worry about now thankfully. And yes I definitely need to get more assertive in future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bugggg · 16/04/2023 22:44

If she does turn up with them no idea what I'll do. Will have to keep the door locked I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bugggg · 16/04/2023 22:45

Ghilliedu · 16/04/2023 21:55

Just wanted to say that my DD had the same issues as a baby and it was terrifying every time she got ill. I wouldn’t have been able to look after another 2 kids when it was going on - I ended up signed off work through the stress of it all. We eventually pushed for a consultant and she ended up with 2 inhalers and is now 6 and thriving. It will get easier but for now just do what you have to do. Good luck!

Thank you, it's so scary isn't it

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 16/04/2023 22:46

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 22:44

If she does turn up with them no idea what I'll do. Will have to keep the door locked I suppose.

Yes keep it locked both front and back. If she won’t go away/gets aggressive call the police.

2bazookas · 16/04/2023 23:16

Don't argue or justify.

Just tell DH you will NOT host his children while he's away and it's up to him to inform his ex.

Kanaloa · 16/04/2023 23:21

I don’t think you’d have been unreasonable to insist from the beginning that you can’t take DH kids when he isn’t available to care for them and stick to that firmly. I think it’s slightly unreasonable to say yes and then later refuse on pretty short notice. If you didn’t want to you should have been clear from the get go.