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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she'll need to make other arrangements.

174 replies

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:00

My husband is away with work next week working abroad, been arranged for a long time. His older children were due to be with his mum that week but she was invited to a hen week of a friend starting Wednesday. She begged, pretty much literally, me to have them so she could go. I said no initially as I'm working in the week and have my hands full with our own young DC without DH but she wore me down a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway my son who is 1.5 has started with some mystery chest illness yesterday. Spiking a temp of 40 a few times and very very chesty / miserable.

He is prone to chest issues and is on quite a few things for it, he gets chest problems regularly and has been admitted to hospital multiple times with chest problems. They believe it's something to do with his airway being smaller than usual so when it swells when he's poorly it can get very bad/ wheezy / low oxygen levels, even blue lighted once due to him looking blue. Basically anything with his chest is a massive worry.

I've told DSC mum that she is probably best arranging something else now as I cannot guarantee I'll be able to look after DSC whilst she's away (she was wanting to bring them tomorrow even though she's not travelling until late Tues / early Wed).

I cannot deal with the stress of having two extra DC around when I may have to rush DS somewhere if he worsens and frankly I'm bloody knackered as it is and not likely to get any better for this week.

Anyway, long story short I'm now the devil incarnate, she's threatening to bring them anyway blah blah. AIBU to ignore ignore ignore and focus on my unwell child. I honestly don't really care what she arranges, my son is more important than her pissy weekend. DH has told her to leave me alone and has said to just ignore her.

OP posts:
potatowhale · 17/04/2023 07:17

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:16

@funinthesun19 there's nothing wrong with it but she should have just said no

Shes saying no now

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:26

@potatowhale yes at the last minute. I can see why the mum is annoyed, let down, messed around etc. she should have said no up front because she didn't want to and has taken no persuading not to

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 07:29

Her relentless pestering and wanting to drop them off a day earlier than she needs, says it all…

This is her time, her problem. Do not feel guilty, despite what some posters on here will throw at you.

It is not your responsibility to be last minute childcare for your H’s ex wife, so she can go get pissed on a hen do.

Stand firm next time, she’s learnt by going on and on you’ll cave.

lljkk · 17/04/2023 07:36

Do as you please but... I reckon I would have seen it as good karma & taken them, but with proviso that they have to fit around any of the toddler's needs, they could end up parked in front of telly for hours or bored in clinical wait rooms.

Don't be surprised or unhappy if other people turn down your needs for ad hoc childcare in future.

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2023 07:39

lljkk · 17/04/2023 07:36

Do as you please but... I reckon I would have seen it as good karma & taken them, but with proviso that they have to fit around any of the toddler's needs, they could end up parked in front of telly for hours or bored in clinical wait rooms.

Don't be surprised or unhappy if other people turn down your needs for ad hoc childcare in future.

You would honestly volunteer to have extra dc, not for an emergency or anything just so the mum could go out, knowing that if you had to do an evening a&e trip that you’d have to wake up 3 children and drag them off to hospital and somehow mind 2 exhausted primary children while trying to look after your sick baby? I can’t imagine you’d ever need someone else to do you a favour tbh as surely parents like this only ask someone else to mind their dc a week after they’ve died.

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 07:39

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:26

@potatowhale yes at the last minute. I can see why the mum is annoyed, let down, messed around etc. she should have said no up front because she didn't want to and has taken no persuading not to

But when people get poorly you can’t just expect them to still have your children. And yes that includes the babysitter’s children getting poorly.

She might well feel let down and annoyed and messed about. But she should also graciously accept that other people can’t help being ill and life doesn’t revolve around her.

When my parents got Covid a couple of weeks ago I didn’t get the break I was so looking forward to. That’s just how it is.

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:47

@funinthesun19 your elderly (?) parents having Covid is a bit different though? Op isn't Ill her son is. She could watch the children albeit a bit hard work, her son will pick up soon with his medication

Baabaa75 · 17/04/2023 07:50

Block her number, problem solved. There's no reason for you to be in contact with her, I guarantee stress levels will drop 💐

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 07:51

My parents aren’t elderly 🤣

Mycathatesmecuddling · 17/04/2023 07:54

lljkk · 17/04/2023 07:36

Do as you please but... I reckon I would have seen it as good karma & taken them, but with proviso that they have to fit around any of the toddler's needs, they could end up parked in front of telly for hours or bored in clinical wait rooms.

Don't be surprised or unhappy if other people turn down your needs for ad hoc childcare in future.

Well given its unlikely the older dcs mum was ever going to babysit the OPs child I'm not sure why you think anyone else the OP will ask will turn her down

Invadersmustdie · 17/04/2023 07:56

Your first mistake was agreeing to have them in the first place but you will know not to do that again! Ignore the posters that will insist that if they were your kids you would get on with it. They are not your kids so that means nothing. Why on earth should you juggle school runs alone with a poorly child if you don't have to?

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 07:58

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:47

@funinthesun19 your elderly (?) parents having Covid is a bit different though? Op isn't Ill her son is. She could watch the children albeit a bit hard work, her son will pick up soon with his medication

I didn’t expect my parents to still have my children just so we’re clear. I was just pointing out that people get ill and you have to accept it.

As for op, she shouldn’t have to look after extra children when her own is ill. If this was the ex’s friend or her sister or someone else with children, would you still be saying what you’re saying? Is this just a stepmum thing?

Starseeking · 17/04/2023 08:01

You really shouldn't have said yes when you didn't really want to do it. From the ex's perspective it would sound like you were looking for an excuse to get out of something you agreed to, and now her weekend is messed up.

Stick to your guns on this given your poorly DS, but in future you need to hold your boundaries firm.

ButterCrackers · 17/04/2023 08:01

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 07:58

I didn’t expect my parents to still have my children just so we’re clear. I was just pointing out that people get ill and you have to accept it.

As for op, she shouldn’t have to look after extra children when her own is ill. If this was the ex’s friend or her sister or someone else with children, would you still be saying what you’re saying? Is this just a stepmum thing?

Show quote history

Exactly. If I knew that the person looking after my kids had a sick child I would say no problem I’ll find another babysitting solution.

Flyingsparks · 17/04/2023 08:01

Bugggg · 17/04/2023 06:47

Morning.

To answer the question about contact, DH has them 3 nights a week, one week it's during the week Tues-Thursday and the next it's the weekend Fri-Sun. This week it's Friday to Sunday although he's not back until early Sat morning so he was going to have them an extra night through until Tues morning to make that up.

So he’s supposed to have them this weekend Friday - Sunday anyway?

The ex is asking you to take them from Wednesday?

And your DP was asking you to take all of his kids until Saturday?

Obviously, it’s something between your DP and his ex, so you don’t need to take them, but I don’t think this is as clear cut as you’re making out.

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 08:02

OP,

Any woman with an ounce of decency wouldn't dream of insisting on this with your child so sick.

I hope you realise just how little she cares about YOU and YOUR child.

She really thinks you are a complete mug to be used.

I sincerely hope you wake up to what a user she is.
For your sake and for your child.

Another case of the step mother supposedly having to look after all the children, and her own sick, with both the actual children's parents nowhere to be seen.🙄

Well done for not allowing this to happen.

I really hope for yourself you see the utter obsurdity of this.

Weallgottachangesometime · 17/04/2023 08:09

I think the comments about DH are actually valid. He has a child who is so ill they may need to go to hospital (and breathing issues are serious). Also because of this the pre arranged care for his other 2 children has fallen through. This could be sorted by him cutting his trip short and coming home couldn’t it? I understand people can’t always leave their work commitments, but a child who might go into hospital is surely important enough, especially with the other issues.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 17/04/2023 08:09

Flyingsparks · 17/04/2023 08:01

So he’s supposed to have them this weekend Friday - Sunday anyway?

The ex is asking you to take them from Wednesday?

And your DP was asking you to take all of his kids until Saturday?

Obviously, it’s something between your DP and his ex, so you don’t need to take them, but I don’t think this is as clear cut as you’re making out.

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

Show quote history

No ex is asking her to have them from monday instead of from Friday

ButterCrackers · 17/04/2023 08:09

Flyingsparks · 17/04/2023 08:01

So he’s supposed to have them this weekend Friday - Sunday anyway?

The ex is asking you to take them from Wednesday?

And your DP was asking you to take all of his kids until Saturday?

Obviously, it’s something between your DP and his ex, so you don’t need to take them, but I don’t think this is as clear cut as you’re making out.

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

Show quote history

Some people don’t have a choice and have to work even when their child is sick. I imagine that the posters DP can’t just stay at home but has to do his job.

Kisskiss · 17/04/2023 08:12

You are being unreasonable for saying Yes to begin with. Why should you watch her children whilst she goes partying for a week?

however, now that you agreed, It’s poor form to cancel last minute, who pays for the money she loses on her bookings? The reality is you could manage it ( it would be a pain ) if you really had to, but you don’t want to

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 08:14

I hope you realise just how little she cares about YOU and YOUR child.

Exactly.

Dilemma19 · 17/04/2023 08:17

Nowvoyager99 · 16/04/2023 13:10

You need better boundaries! Why on earth would you agree to this in the first place?

Tell her you will DEFINITELY be unavailable, and your neighbours are likely to call Social Services if they see unaccompanied children dumped outside your house.

Exactly, she didn't 'wear' you down you had the choice here!! It was her week, you could have said a flat NO but you didn't now you have a problem. In any case stop being so wet and firmly tell her that you cannot and she had Better not send the kids there while you have sick kids to take care of.

HarleyLane · 17/04/2023 08:17

The medical issues with your child are not the issue. The arrangements and expectations between the DSC’s parents are.

One of them, in any situation needs to step up and look after their own children.

If your child was I'll and you had two other children you and your husband would have to make arrangements to work around that too.

Dilemma19 · 17/04/2023 08:18

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:12

I really wish I had just stuck with my no. She's like a dog with a bone sometimes and I just like a quiet life!

But then this is entirely a problem you created. She can be persistent as much as she likes, but you still have the choice here. Next time learn not be such a people pleaser.

Dilemma19 · 17/04/2023 08:22

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:35

Why isn't your husband cancelling his work trip if he has one seriously ill child and two other children that need him as a parent?

Oh Fgs typical bitter response! The work trip was long planned, the sick child has one parent who will be taking care of them and the other kids have a mother who was supposed to have them as it's her time, but yes let's blame the man who is at work rather than the woman who wants to dump her kids for a hen do!!