Page 7 | To say she'll need to make other arrangements.

Bugggg · 2023-04-16T12:00:03+00:00

My husband is away with work next week working abroad, been arranged for a long time. His older children were due to be with his mum that week but she was invited to a hen week of a friend starting Wednesday. She begged, pretty much literally, me to have them so she could go. I said no initially as I'm working in the week and have my hands full with our own young DC without DH but she wore me down a couple of weeks ago. Anyway my son who is 1.5 has started with some mystery chest illness yesterday. Spiking a temp of 40 a few times and very very chesty / miserable. He is prone to chest issues and is on quite a few things for it, he gets chest problems regularly and has been admitted to hospital multiple times with chest problems. They believe it's something to do with his airway being smaller than usual so when it swells when he's poorly it can get very bad/ wheezy / low oxygen levels, even blue lighted once due to him looking blue. Basically anything with his chest is a massive worry. I've told DSC mum that she is probably best arranging something else now as I cannot guarantee I'll be able to look after DSC whilst she's away (she was wanting to bring them tomorrow even though she's not travelling until late Tues / early Wed). I cannot deal with the stress of having two extra DC around when I may have to rush DS somewhere if he worsens and frankly I'm bloody knackered as it is and not likely to get any better for this week. Anyway, long story short I'm now the devil incarnate, she's threatening to bring them anyway blah blah. AIBU to ignore ignore ignore and focus on my unwell child. I honestly don't really care what she arranges, my son is more important than her pissy weekend. DH has told her to leave me alone and has said to just ignore her.

Original poster

Bugggg · 17/04/2023 08:23

Flyingsparks · 17/04/2023 08:01

So he’s supposed to have them this weekend Friday - Sunday anyway?

The ex is asking you to take them from Wednesday?

And your DP was asking you to take all of his kids until Saturday?

Obviously, it’s something between your DP and his ex, so you don’t need to take them, but I don’t think this is as clear cut as you’re making out.

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

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DSCs mum wanted me to collect them from school this afternoon and have them all week. She doesn't go until Wednesday but gave a few reasons why it needed to be from Monday, one being a hair appointment this afternoon and the other is she is going to stay with one of the other hens who lives a few hours away on Tuesday and going to the airport together from hers early Wednesday morning.

The original plan when DH first arranged this trip was that the kids would stay with mum on Friday and DH would have an extra night on Monday to make up for that. This was made months ago and she agreed to it.

Only in the last few of weeks has she changed it to wanting me to have the kids by myself from tonight until DH gets home on Saturday.

OP posts:

Dilemma19 · 17/04/2023 08:24

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 17/04/2023 00:18

I just feel so incredibly sorry for the children in these situations.

Why? The sick child has a mother who is taking care of them, the other kids have a mother who should be taking care of them but wants to run off to a party. So yes probably for the other 2 it is a sorry situation.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 17/04/2023 08:24

Funny how all the posters criticising OP for changing her mind aren’t considering what is best for the children in this scenario. Does anyone honestly think the DC would want to stay with their SM and poorly sibling in preference to their own mum in these particular circumstances? Funny how the DCs wants and needs on these kinds of threads only seem to be relevant depending on whether it’s synonymous with what their mum wants.

Original poster

Bugggg · 17/04/2023 08:25

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

And I imagine you'd also then expect him to have DSC so his mum can go away if he did cancel his trip right? I suspect it's less about wanting him to cancel through concern for our child and more about him cancelling so mum can go away.

OP posts:

Scalottia · 17/04/2023 08:27

Flyingsparks · 17/04/2023 08:01

So he’s supposed to have them this weekend Friday - Sunday anyway?

The ex is asking you to take them from Wednesday?

And your DP was asking you to take all of his kids until Saturday?

Obviously, it’s something between your DP and his ex, so you don’t need to take them, but I don’t think this is as clear cut as you’re making out.

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

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I love how you think it's just so easy for some people to just 'not go to work.' Especially in this case where the other parent is there, and available to look after her sick child.

You must be in a very privileged position. Not everyone can just 'not go to work'. Engage your brain.

AllOfThemWitches · 17/04/2023 08:27

Hen week!?

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 08:29

Ultimately it depends on whose week it is. If your DH was meant to have them then he (his household) needs to arrange care for the children. If it was her, then she needs to sort something or cancel her plans.

KittyAlfred · 17/04/2023 08:32

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:35

Why isn't your husband cancelling his work trip if he has one seriously ill child and two other children that need him as a parent?

Should the ex’s hen weekend take priority over the husband’s work? I’d have thought that if any cancelling needed to be done, it should be the social event really.

heldinadream · 17/04/2023 08:34

Sick child - total priority.
Work trip - priority.
Hen WEEK - ha ha ha!
Extra day tagged on to request because of hair appointment - total and utter piss take. 😮
Good luck OP, I hope your DC is ok.

viques · 17/04/2023 08:50

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:47

@funinthesun19 your elderly (?) parents having Covid is a bit different though? Op isn't Ill her son is. She could watch the children albeit a bit hard work, her son will pick up soon with his medication

And fingers crossed he doesn’t have to be rushed to hospital because his medicine isn’t working and he can’t breathe. This isn’t a little chesty cough that needs a bit of calpol and some Vicks vapour rub, the child has a diagnosed medical condition that compromises his breathing

viques · 17/04/2023 08:56

HarleyLane · 17/04/2023 08:17

The medical issues with your child are not the issue. The arrangements and expectations between the DSC’s parents are.

One of them, in any situation needs to step up and look after their own children.

If your child was I'll and you had two other children you and your husband would have to make arrangements to work around that too.

And if the OP had two other currently imaginary children the likelihood is that she would have got her own arrangements in place for them to be looked after in an emergency if the younger child was sick. Because that is what responsible parents do. They don’t rely on threats and blackmail to go to hair appointments and hen dos.

Original poster

Bugggg · 17/04/2023 08:58

Thanks for those that have offered support too after their little ones going through similar! The good thing is they suspect it will ease off as he gets older and everything, lungs ect gets bigger 🤞 he does have inhalers but often he's needed to go in for monitoring anyway

OP posts:

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 17/04/2023 09:00

A hen week? What is this madness?

Rosula · 17/04/2023 09:02

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 16/04/2023 23:40

Dad just needs to cancel his work trip.

Crikey if it was a woman with a sick child, it's the norm.

Dad of 3, mother of 1.

Dad needs to sort it.

He doesn't need to cancel his work trip for the sick child, because child already has his mother available to look after him. He certainly doesn't have to cancel his work trip to accommodate a week long hen do. That would be ridiculous.

Richierich77 · 17/04/2023 09:04

I would never ask my DD SM to have her for the week so I could go on a jolly, tbh I wouldn’t ask her DF either as I know he has to work & then SM is sadly left with childcare anyway. I’d ask other family members or not make arrangements at all. Block her number & never agree to anything with her otherwise she’ll take the p all the time.

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 15:08

Bugggg · 17/04/2023 08:25

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

And I imagine you'd also then expect him to have DSC so his mum can go away if he did cancel his trip right? I suspect it's less about wanting him to cancel through concern for our child and more about him cancelling so mum can go away.

I think you’re right OP. The primary concern is likely to be the ex going on her jolly.

Does the ex have a partner? What’s her own support network like? Not that you may have given your husband’s ex’s support network much thought before as it’s not really something you need to concern yourself about.

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 15:35

Rosula · 17/04/2023 09:02

He doesn't need to cancel his work trip for the sick child, because child already has his mother available to look after him. He certainly doesn't have to cancel his work trip to accommodate a week long hen do. That would be ridiculous.

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Yeah that would be silly

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 15:37

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 08:29

Ultimately it depends on whose week it is. If your DH was meant to have them then he (his household) needs to arrange care for the children. If it was her, then she needs to sort something or cancel her plans.

just because they share custody doesnt mean they are only 50% of a parent

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 16:10

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 15:37

just because they share custody doesnt mean they are only 50% of a parent

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No, but it is her responsibility to arrange childcare in her time. She can ask her H or OP, but they are doing her a favoud if they agree as during that time she is ultimately responsible for the childcare.

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 16:14

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 16:10

No, but it is her responsibility to arrange childcare in her time. She can ask her H or OP, but they are doing her a favoud if they agree as during that time she is ultimately responsible for the childcare.

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Ultimately mum and dad are responsible. I agree she's being silly and should cancel her holiday though.

lljkk · 17/04/2023 17:49

Mycathatesmecuddling · 17/04/2023 07:54

Well given its unlikely the older dcs mum was ever going to babysit the OPs child I'm not sure why you think anyone else the OP will ask will turn her down

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Not just the mother of the other kids I was thinking of. Those older half siblings who could be useful future helpers/babysitters. OP (& her DH) making bad feeling with their family is not good thing.

And similar, when OP has some delightful rare fun opportunity, but she needs a cat or child sitter or whatever help to make it happen ... don't be surprised if other people don't want to help because they too, have their hands full.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 17/04/2023 18:07

lljkk · 17/04/2023 17:49

Not just the mother of the other kids I was thinking of. Those older half siblings who could be useful future helpers/babysitters. OP (& her DH) making bad feeling with their family is not good thing.

And similar, when OP has some delightful rare fun opportunity, but she needs a cat or child sitter or whatever help to make it happen ... don't be surprised if other people don't want to help because they too, have their hands full.

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So the OP should say yes to this when her own child is ill in case she needs help in the future?

The OP literally needs help now, and the helo she needs is for the mum to look after her own kids because the OP needs to look after hers

But the mum is throwing her toys out of the pram. Which means the OP is likely to be less helpful in the future. There's only one person messing up their karma here if you believe in that bullshit and it's not the OP

Flyingsparks · 17/04/2023 18:36

Scalottia · 17/04/2023 08:27

I love how you think it's just so easy for some people to just 'not go to work.' Especially in this case where the other parent is there, and available to look after her sick child.

You must be in a very privileged position. Not everyone can just 'not go to work'. Engage your brain.

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If he’s travelling for a work trip, then he isn’t working on a till at ASDA. They don’t send people on expensive work trips to sort the paperclips either.

I think most people can ‘not to go to work’ - it’s called sick leave, parental leave, compassionate leave.

My position of privilege comes from living in the UK where there are established employment rights.

Unless you are reading this from a Russian gulag, I think maybe you need to engage your brain.

Flyingsparks · 17/04/2023 18:48

Bugggg · 17/04/2023 08:25

I also suspect your DP is the one being unreasonable here. I wouldn’t be going on any work trip if my child possibly needed to be in hospital!

And I imagine you'd also then expect him to have DSC so his mum can go away if he did cancel his trip right? I suspect it's less about wanting him to cancel through concern for our child and more about him cancelling so mum can go away.

I’m not expecting anything- It’s not my problem!

I don’t know the full story which is why I’m asking.

fwiw I think you’re quite right to refuse if it doesn’t suit you. And the ex just has to accept she isn’t going on the hen do, or find alternative childcare.

But the ‘Psycho ex’ stories are rarely as straightforward as that. And so, I’m sceptical that she is really that selfish, and there isn’t a massive backstory here…