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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she'll need to make other arrangements.

174 replies

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:00

My husband is away with work next week working abroad, been arranged for a long time. His older children were due to be with his mum that week but she was invited to a hen week of a friend starting Wednesday. She begged, pretty much literally, me to have them so she could go. I said no initially as I'm working in the week and have my hands full with our own young DC without DH but she wore me down a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway my son who is 1.5 has started with some mystery chest illness yesterday. Spiking a temp of 40 a few times and very very chesty / miserable.

He is prone to chest issues and is on quite a few things for it, he gets chest problems regularly and has been admitted to hospital multiple times with chest problems. They believe it's something to do with his airway being smaller than usual so when it swells when he's poorly it can get very bad/ wheezy / low oxygen levels, even blue lighted once due to him looking blue. Basically anything with his chest is a massive worry.

I've told DSC mum that she is probably best arranging something else now as I cannot guarantee I'll be able to look after DSC whilst she's away (she was wanting to bring them tomorrow even though she's not travelling until late Tues / early Wed).

I cannot deal with the stress of having two extra DC around when I may have to rush DS somewhere if he worsens and frankly I'm bloody knackered as it is and not likely to get any better for this week.

Anyway, long story short I'm now the devil incarnate, she's threatening to bring them anyway blah blah. AIBU to ignore ignore ignore and focus on my unwell child. I honestly don't really care what she arranges, my son is more important than her pissy weekend. DH has told her to leave me alone and has said to just ignore her.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 02:55

His children aren't they also yours and your child there sibling.Sorry in our family all the kids get treat exactly the same with love etc.

BungleandGeorge · 17/04/2023 04:10

How often does your husband look after his children?

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 17/04/2023 04:25

Given dad doesn’t have any contact time during a week long work trip (covering that would be his responsibility), he likely doesn’t have much contact time at all. Ex is probably annoyed that he has all the time in the world for new baby but none for his older kids. She wishes as a parent he was responsible / involved enough she could actually have a night out occasionally but she can’t. Always some reason.

This thread should be linked on the one asking how long until you move your boyfriend / girlfriend in when you have kids. People were delusional on there about step parents being beneficial for the kids.

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 06:06

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 02:55

His children aren't they also yours and your child there sibling.Sorry in our family all the kids get treat exactly the same with love etc.

Have you actually read the details of OP’s circumstances? What makes you think the dscs aren’t treated with love in OP’s family unit?

OP doesn’t want to help the ex wife go to the hen do. It’s not essential that she goes. It’s mum’s week to have her children, so OP has every right to want to concentrate on her poorly DC this week without looking after the dsc. Makes absolute sense to me. It’s got nothing to do with how much the dscs are loved. 🙄

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 06:10

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

That's utterly ridiculous. They aren't her kids, Dad is unavailable so their mum would have to help. They have two parents why is a third person having to deal with them! I don't get this. It's really shit for the kids that their own two parents can't sort it out and instead dump it on someone else who has a lot on their plate.

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 06:13

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 02:55

His children aren't they also yours and your child there sibling.Sorry in our family all the kids get treat exactly the same with love etc.

In my family the parents accept they have to cancel plans if their own children need them.

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 06:19

IKnowItsNotMine · 17/04/2023 00:13

I think once you’ve said yes then you’re stuck with the arrangement.
Its not as if they’re strangers, they’re family.

Her child is poorly. Of course she’s not stuck with the arrangement.

If the ex wife had have asked someone else like a friend or a sister to have her children and then one of their children became poorly, it would be ok and understandable to not look after her children anymore. It’s no different for Op.

Mum looking after her sick child trumps helping another mum go to a hen do. Just basic common sense.

amiold · 17/04/2023 06:21

Sort of feels like you've been looking for an excuse to get out of it 😬had you just said no you'd have not been in this awkward position. You've said yes and she's paid her money and at the first opportunity you've withdrew your offer and at last minute, also putting dad in an awkward position. Can see mum not being keen on swaps that benefit dad in the future, she can't get one week away without being let down.

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 06:28

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 02:55

His children aren't they also yours and your child there sibling.Sorry in our family all the kids get treat exactly the same with love etc.

No, the step-kids are not OP’s children as well.

Why is this still trotted out? Hmm

Now we just need ‘you knew he had kids when you married him’ and the bingo card will be complete.

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 06:30

amiold · 17/04/2023 06:21

Sort of feels like you've been looking for an excuse to get out of it 😬had you just said no you'd have not been in this awkward position. You've said yes and she's paid her money and at the first opportunity you've withdrew your offer and at last minute, also putting dad in an awkward position. Can see mum not being keen on swaps that benefit dad in the future, she can't get one week away without being let down.

Pretty sure OP doesn’t view her child’s chest illness and 40 degree temperature as ‘an opportunity’ Hmm

The one who is seeing an opportunity is the ex, who browbeat the OP into having her DC and still wants to send her DC to a house where a child has a possible chest infection.

Scalottia · 17/04/2023 06:31

Cakencookieobsessed · 16/04/2023 20:25

I'd have just minded them. They're your husband's kids, they're family, not random kids and they're in your life whether you like it or not. I think you are being unreasonable.

Aaah yes there's always one. Of course the stepchildren should be prioritised above OP and her own SICK son. Bloody hell some people on here.

OP, you need to get better at saying no. A hen week (why is it a week!?) is not important, tough titties to DSC mum, her kids are her problem, not yours.

Scalottia · 17/04/2023 06:34

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

Good lord, bugger off with your guilt tripping! They aren't her children.

Tirrrrred · 17/04/2023 06:38

We don't know what her husband does. My husband is military and is currently away for 5 months. He has no choice whether to go or not.

Tirrrrred · 17/04/2023 06:41

If she had 3 kids then obviously she is responsible for them all.

In this situation it's up to the parents to sort it. If OP's husband was still with his ex she wouldn't have been able to go. Yes having a step parent can be an extra bonus for childcare but only when and if they are available.

ThePoetsWife · 17/04/2023 06:41

Bugggg · 16/04/2023 13:12

I really wish I had just stuck with my no. She's like a dog with a bone sometimes and I just like a quiet life!

But giving in like this means she knows it's a successful tactic and will pester you again.

Block her and leave DH to it. They're are his DC and his responsibility.

Original poster
Bugggg · 17/04/2023 06:47

Morning.

To answer the question about contact, DH has them 3 nights a week, one week it's during the week Tues-Thursday and the next it's the weekend Fri-Sun. This week it's Friday to Sunday although he's not back until early Sat morning so he was going to have them an extra night through until Tues morning to make that up.

OP posts:
amiold · 17/04/2023 06:47

@mainsfed she's openly said she didn't want to look after the child so poorly child is a good excuse isn't it.

Floofydawg · 17/04/2023 06:53

OnTheRoll · 16/04/2023 21:37

OP, if they were your own older kids you would have managed to juggle the three of them including a young sick child. Including the school pick ups, possible hospital visits, etc. You would have managed because you wouldn't have had any other choice. So this is not a case of you just not being able to do it. You just don't want to - which is your right I suppose. It depends on your relationship with the mum so if you don't want to help with your husband's children no one can force you.

They're not her own kids though are they. Key difference right there.

I wouldn't ever be offering to do her favours and like someone has already said, block get number. What a selfish cow she is, putting a hen week as more important than her own kids.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 17/04/2023 06:57

YANBU. You should never of said yes to begin with.

I would stick to your guns "I won't be here to have dc so please do not drop them off and go I cannot have them due to my own dc being poorly. In future if DH is away with work and you need child care you must arrange with someone else."

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 07:02

I don't think she likes her kid much if she's more worried about her hen do

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 07:04

amiold · 17/04/2023 06:47

@mainsfed she's openly said she didn't want to look after the child so poorly child is a good excuse isn't it.

Ok so even without her child being sick, what’s wrong with her not wanting to look after them for the ex?

But no, her child being sick isn’t a “good excuse”. It’s more like life throwing some shit her way and other people’s social life not being her priority right now. I’m sure she would rather her child not be sick!

44PumpLane · 17/04/2023 07:13

I think the problem was that a few weeks ago you DID say you would look after the SC.

You may very well have been worn down and you need to work on your boundaries, but you did say you would have them. So I'm afraid I think YABU to now say you can't.

I also don't think the SC mother should be slated for wanting to go on a hen do, it's okay to want a social life as a parent. Yes you sometimes have to miss out, but she thinks/thought she could go to this one so it's disappointing for her.

I do understand entirely your worry for your own child and do think in future you just need to say no and then disengage entirely.

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:16

@funinthesun19 there's nothing wrong with it but she should have just said no

ButterCrackers · 17/04/2023 07:16

She should understand that you have a sick child and ask a friend or other family to look after her kids. Arrangements can change when someone is ill.

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 07:17

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2023 07:04

Ok so even without her child being sick, what’s wrong with her not wanting to look after them for the ex?

But no, her child being sick isn’t a “good excuse”. It’s more like life throwing some shit her way and other people’s social life not being her priority right now. I’m sure she would rather her child not be sick!

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I know right! It's like their own mum can't be bothered so now she's making it someone else's problem

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