To go against DDs wishes with this

[BlueIndigoViolet]

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

Dear god, don’t invite him in, why would you do that!? And then telling him you’re going to call the police right there in front of him? What’s he going to do then? Sit there meekly with his cuppa, and wait patiently for the police to arrive, possibly hours later when you hand him over to them?

FYI, you can’t “insist someone is prosecuted”. That’s not how it works. You report a crime and the police and CPS decide what happens from there. You can withdraw a statement but doesn’t mean the case goes away.

Honestly, this “advice” would be laughable if it didn’t carry a risk of being dangerous.

Z

It is annoying but doesnt sound like he has overstepped the mark. Phone his mum but don't threaten the police, just say you want it to stop.

Doesn't sound like he's overstepped the mark ? Wtf is overstepping the mark then ?

I despair at this sort of attitude.

I have a year 10 dd. If this were happening to her, I would contact the police. Your husband has no idea as he’s never been afraid of a partner. Women and girls put their lives in their hands of men and boys, expecting them to treat us with care and decently when they have the strength to kill us. Your dd is just learning how vulnerable she is as a female. I hope she’s feeling ok after the chat.

7 weeks is ages and given that stalking tends to escalate rather than peter out and given that your dd is likely to be home alone during exams/study leave etc then I would be involving the police and beefing up your home security.

I might give a message to the mum out of courtesy as you have a relationship with her but the priority is protecting a 16yo girl from someone who has tipped over from normal upset at a breakup to harmful, psychologically disturbed, criminal stalking. It’s not normal to harass someone who doesn’t want to see you for 7 weeks. It’s not cute. It needs to be stopped.

How is he not overstepping the mark?! He’s been told to stop coming to the girl’s house and keep showing up, he’s been told no more “gifts” and hasn’t stopped, the girl has blocked him several times and he gets round this by setting up new accounts.

He’s definitely overstepping the fucking mark.

Hi OP, we went through this senerio as well when DD was 16. She also did not want the police or parents contacted (though in our case his parents were furious that she had broken up with him). I finally said enough was enough when the messages bordered on threats and texted him with her permission. I was very polite but firm that he was to desist from contacting her in any way or I would be reporting his behaviour to the authorities as it was stalking and harassment.
He was shocked as I think he hadn't really thought she was telling us exactly what was going on. So the realization that her parents knew everything, and we were prepared to report him, made him finally bugger off. It's been over four years now. He has contacted her once two years ago, to say hi and I hope you're well and can forgive me, but she deleted it without opening it, and there has been nothing since thankfully.
I wish you and your DD the best and hope the situation is resolved soon

My daughter had a boyfriend like this. Numerous opportunities to end it, shich she did. Turned up in our city and waited for her after work, threatened to kill himself. She took him back. A few years later they married. A few more after that and she had to leave this abusive man and go to a refuge.

5 years after that we are still having to deal with him. I look back on that opportunity to end it all those years ago and it's enough to make me weep.

My advice - do everything you can to get shot of him. Being kind, being reasonable gets you nowhere.

Do yourself a favour and click on the links upthread and watch and read happened to Alice Ruggles, Claire Bernal, Molly McLaren and others.

I can only deduce that you are speaking from a place of complete ignorance or stalking and these links will educate you.

@mainsfed I don't think that poster cares. They seem to have a bit of a thing for encouraging women to stay in abusive situations.

I meant legally speaking to escalate it to a police matter. I think the mother should be informed that it has to stop.

Useful post from @neverbeenskiing downthread in case the OP missed it

I'm not sure why sooooo many posters here are assuming that the mum a) doesn't know what he's doing b) would like to stop him c) has the power to stop him.

I’ve noticed that too

But you said you don’t think the ex should even be threatened with the police? That’s incredible.

This girl is having panic attacks because this bastard is outside her front door and you want to protect him?

7 weeks of this is insane. This is not a love sick teenager, this is a disturbed man who will not take no for an answer and is causing a young woman to have panic attacks.

You would be letting your DD down by not contacting the police. This is so far from normal, it's unbelievable.

So have I.

I'd be really annoyed by your DH. His daughter is getting harassed and he's shrugging it off. Selfish arrogant man.

If my son ever behaves like this I will want to know. Because then I would have a chance to get him understand how inappropriate his behaviour is, make him stop and make sure it doesn't turn into a pattern of behaviour that he continues in future relationship. And also to help him through his grief and regret in a healthy way.

Your daughter is brilliant! She did exactly the right thing in a) dumping a cheat even though it hurt her a lot, and b) not softening when he was so desperate to have her back. But now this fantastic mature girl is having actual panic attacks with his continued relentless behaviour. You have an adult perspective of what is going on, what the consequences could be and you need to take over as the parent as she is only 16 and she needs your help now. Make no mistake, this boy is an enemy. It is not an overstatement to say that he is bullying her because he is concerned only with what he wants and at this stage anything less than a robust response (ie the police) will just confirm to his mind that what he wants is of more value than your daughter's free will! You and your husband have already spoken to him and it is an unusually tenacious child that isn't embarrassed into a reality check by that. You are a great mum, I would tell her that now you will be the parent and that the only possible way his behaviour has a chance of stopping is if the police have a word with the little fucker. He may only be 16 but he thinks your daughter owes him big time. He needs to learn that she owes him nothing at all and that her 'no' actually means no.

But not all parents are like you , as evidenced by some posters on here who are excusing this boy's behaviour.

She will defend her son and probably give another side to the story you'd rather not hear

Are you suggesting dd has brought this on herself?

Let’s hope you’re more sensitive with the kids at your school.

Sounds like she’s had a lucky escape! Creepy weirdo. How entitled is he?! Cheats and thinks he can beg for forgiveness?! No thanks, sunshine! He sounds like one of those obsessive stalker types who can’t let go, despite him being the reason she doesn’t want to be with him. Go to the police.

It is harassment.
He needs to learn boundaries and respect.
Important time for her also so needs to leave her alone.
No means no.

Inform his parents, him and school.
If he persists contact police for advice.