To go against DDs wishes with this

[BlueIndigoViolet]

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

He is committing a crime whether he is 16 or 50 and needs to know it is unacceptable.

I agree with PPs that you should contact school just in case he starts hassling her there as well.

Bloody hell OP just call the police now.

When I was 17 my friend was stabbed to death by her stalker ex.

This is not kids being kids, it's not a school matter, it needs the police, now. Your daughter is in danger.

Please, phone them now.

I had a stalker in my 20’s, it impacted my view of men forever.

Please take action OP

JFC he is giving the girl panic attacks, harassing and stalking her after cheating on her, yet here you are going " poor kid "

No wonder some males feel completely vindicated and entitled to treat females like this.

Have a word with yourself.

It's naive responses like this that lead to women and girls being murdered by their stalkers.

That is not “bordering on” stalking, it’s a prolonged stalking campaign that is affecting your daughter’s mental health, hence the panic attack. Please go to the police.

I can totally see your and your daughter's perspective on this, but there are some things there are definitely no point in doing:

• trying to persuade your daughter that this is serious - she knows this hence the panic attack
• speaking to the boy again or (God forbid!!!) inviting him into your home
• writing him a letter

Tell your husband to google teenager murdered by boyfriend and see how many results there are. It's him that needs to get his head sorted and realised that the ones who flip into serious violence can't be spotted in advance/aren't tattooed with a big K for killer.

The boy HAS been warned that it will be the police next time, now there's been a next time so there should be the police. Let's face it they're not likely to prosecute him for his behaviour so far but they'll have it on record and hopefully give him a reality check about what he's really doing and why it's a crime.

If you don't go to the police after the warning he's had, he's less likely to believe in the threat to do so next time so may ramp up the behaviour.

Exactly! It is stalking 100%.

Just want to reiterate again, please do not approach him or his family. Disengage completely and get the Police involved.

Spot the overindulgent mothers of sons on the thread. (Not by any means saying all mothers of sons are indulgent - very much know they aren't - but I hope to god if any of your boys are displaying their "heartbreak" by repeatedly bothering a girl with gifts, visits, messages or ANYTHING then you will be the one to tell him to knock it off and make sure he does. That's how you avoid the police having to do it. Saying "poor love" just encourages this behaviour!)

Your friend’s ‘kid’ is a stalking, harassing piece of shit and I hope his life turns to shit.

I feel sad for your DD that she is having to deal with this at all. Going against some of the other posters, if this was my son, I would want to be told. I would fully back your DD's position. I look to do whatever could to ensure that my son respected your DD's wishes.

Ah, your poor DD. She sounds very sensible but she must be heartbroken.

I think you should inform his mum if you have a fairly decent relationship with her. Then police

I would get in touch with his mum and give one warning. Then school and police.

I was a heartbroken 16 year old and couldn't believe my boyfriend was ending it. Somehow I knew it wasn't appropriate to turn up at his house or bombard him with gifts or messages for MONTHS afterwards, I did things like crying to my friends, watching box sets and going out for miserable walks in the rain, some underage drinking too.

The instinct of some men and boys (and a very few women) to a) not listen to other people's feelings and wants b) make their own feelings the problem of someone else is what so often leads to a slippery slope to violence. It's not even one step away from "you made me do it".

Adding my voice to those who say this goes far beyond the behaviour of someone who genuinely respects the object of their affection.

I thought from your thread title that you were debating whether or not to call the police. Now I see this is about telling his parents. My position is to absolutely tell his parents and the school. Especially as your DD warned him not to contact her again and he did.

As PPs say, this is about your DD and about him learning that harassing women in general won’t be tolerated.

As the mother of a boy I’d absolutely want to know if my son was behaving this way.

As she's made that threat, she really needs to follow through on it - otherwise he will take her failure to do so as a green light.

Having recently read about poor Molly McLaren, I really think you can't let stalking go.

Good luck OP. It's tricky age and your daughter is trying to be sensible and firm. The reality is the boy is taking it far too far now, and you are right to step in to keep her safe.

And what does not teaching boys to deal with their emotions, to cope with with rejection, to work through relationship breakups ,with not teaching them the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behaviours lead to? Incels. Andrew Tate. Entitled men,

I take your point that girls and women need to learn what abusive behaviour looks like and how to deal with it. But boys need to be actively taught this too, they aren’t born knowing it , just as girls aren’t born knowing it .

By saying it is naive to expect a boys parents to want to teach him how relationships work is more or less putting the onus on girls and women to recognise and deal with stalking behaviour because boys can’t be taught these life lessons. They can, and need to be.

Maybe he'll learn that cheating doesn't end well which is a very good lesson to learn.

Ellie Gould was the case I was thinking of: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-50345911 - your husband should read that, killed by her ex and found by her dad in their house. It's horrifying and obviously pretty rare but I think that dad would disagree about kids being kids.

I wouldn't leave your daughter alone in the house while this is going on.

A few years ago a schoolgirl finished with her boyfriend. He turned up at her house while she was alone got in and killed her. He couldn't take the rejection. His name was Thomas Griffiths. He's now in prison.

He cheated. He needs to learn that actions have consequences and that no-one has to put up with anything they don't want to.
He may be sorry and remorseful. So he should have apologised and left it there.

He's not listening and he needs to be MADE to listen

@viques I get your point in your second post, but the trouble is you have no way of knowing what the parents will do (if anything). They might think what he's doing is romantic, they might even be encouraging him to "make it up" with OP's daughter, they might have no impact whatsoever.

I agree the parents should know but I think since the threat of the police has been made in this case, it should be the police that speak to him and his parents.

There is surely middle ground here between “poor lamb” and “he’s going to murder your child.”

Yes, what he is doing is serious. And yes, he needs telling. In no uncertain terms.

But let’s not terrify the OP and more importantly her DD by quoting statistics of women who have been murdered.

If my son was acting this way I would absolutely want to know, and I would read him the riot act.

It’s not ok and it shouldn’t be tolerated.

But people really do like to think the worst on these threads and start shrieking about murder and how the girl is in danger. We absolutely don’t know that. We know that the boyfriend has crossed a line and we know that it needs resolving, and if going to the police achieves that then absolutely. But nobody can say that he’s a murderer in waiting.

And as an aside, where the hell are both the fathers in all this?