To go against DDs wishes with this

[BlueIndigoViolet]

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

And if that has no impact, he takes no notice and then escalates seriously.

What then?

You're between a rock and a hard place. You're daughter actually sounds very mature. It's good to hear her reacting this way rather than crying herself to sleep each night (I dare say there's been crying too).
Let her handle the social media side but I think if he turns up at your door it's reasonable for you to intervene. A few stern words from you/your OH on the doorstep should do it.
Normally l'm one for action but l think the fact your daughter has exams coming up is reason to reign it in.

It's not ok for her to be having panic attacks in the weeks before she sits her exams so this needs to be dealt with no matter that her DF seems to think it's ok. Also, you have told him to stay away from YOUR property so he has gone beyond trespassing into harassment of you as well since it is your home. You could contact the police for this alone. However, if you say his mum is nice and you are in contact with her, I'd try her first as she may not realise exactly what he is doing and may be able to get him to see how serious his behaviour is. I'd give him one last chance and if he does it again, then do report him.

Again, this is naive and foolish.
Stalkers need to be reported to the police.

Equally possibly, his parents know nothing of his behaviour and would be horrified by it and would want to intervene and redirect his attitude and behaviour . Since none of us know the people involved none of us can say.

The fathers?
Well, the victim's father thinks it's all a bit silly, and the stalker's father presumably doesn't know.

It isn't rare. That's the trouble.

Please act on your instincts as her mum.
A similar situation happened with a young lady in our town and it ended in tragedy.
She is being stalked and he needs a warning from the police.

OP, in addition to your DD being physically at risk from a stalker, her mental health is also suffering. She is about to do her GCSEs and she is having panic attacks and living with anxiety about her ex showing up at any time. If your DH can't get his misogynistic head around her safety and support you because of that, maybe he will consider how else it could impact her.

Oh gosh! Just message her and and say you're concerned for her son as he is clearly struggling with the situation

Yes what's he's doing is stalking. No two ways about it.

However, your poor DD is correct in that approaching his parents about it would just make it blow up at school and potentially ruin her chances of doing well in her GCSEs.

My advice would be to try to wait until after her GCSEs are over and then take action. In the meantime explain to her that what he's doing is very serious but that you are there for her in every sense.

She hopefully won't have too much more contact with him as there's only a few weeks left of actual school before it's just exams and study leave.

And as an aside, where the hell are both the fathers in all this?

In the case of my daughter's school mates, the boy's dad who I knew well through my daughter's hobby, was as good a person as they come. The siblings also lovely. The boy had problems that were entirely of his own, as far as I can tell.
His parents were destroyed. It really doesn't help for people to point the finger at them.

Has she told him in not uncertain terms to not contact her?

You have, and if she hasn't she needs to.

At that point he has clearly overstepping and isn't respecting boundaries.

You need to speak to your daughter about this and what it means.

At that point you will have the evidence to present to parents / school that this is now into harassment and any further transgressions will mean you have no other choice but to go legal.

Make it clear to your daughter that her ex is responsible and old enough to understand and make decisions. If he is disregarding women's boundaries this isn't a small matter - it becomes about power over women.

The fact she is now having panic attacks about this is a clear sign it's problematic and about control over her and this is unhealthy.

You need to spell it out to her in steps so she understands and can see how it is escalating and can't just be ignored.

Current situation could blow her GCSEs too. Doing nothing isn't a neutral response.

The OP has a responsibility to protect her DD and her DD alone.
She has no duty to help protect her ex from the consequences if his criminal and abusive behaviour.

This 16yr old has been told, repeatedly to leave her alone and has been stalking and harassing her going on 7 weeks now.

OP has no responsibility to engage with the parents of her daughters stalker just because he is 16, previously had a relationship and his mother was nice.

Just because posters as parents would want to know if their child was acting like this doesn't mean you are owed a talk or warning first before police are contacted.

I would say if he turns up again at your house, then you threaten him with the police and tell him what he is doing is stalking and also tell the school.

School Safeguarding Lead here. Taking the emotion out of it and focusing on the facts, these are the pertinent points if I've understood correctly: Your DD was in a relationship with this boy and she ended it. Over the past 7 weeks he has turned up at your house uninvited on numerous occasions. On each occasion he has been told she does not want to see or speak to him, but this has not deterred him. He has sent your DD numerous messages professing his love and asking her to take him back. She has tried to block him on social media, sending a clear message that this contact is unwanted, but he continues to message her by creating new accounts. She has tried ignoring the messages, and when this didn't work she replied asking him to stop contacting her but this has not deterred him. He continues to turn up at your home uninvited, and has left unwanted gifts for DD on the doorstep. You have warned him that further approaches could lead to police involvement, but this has not deterred him and he continues to try to contact her. The last time he turned up at your home your DD became distressed and experienced a panic attack.

If you were a parent at my school I would strongly advise you to contact the Police and report this boy for harassment. If you didn't, frankly I'd be concerned. Although at 16 she may have the capacity to make choices for herself, your DD is still a child and sometimes the adults have to step in and take charge.

I would advise you against contacting his parents directly. IME this rarely ends well. However "lovely" they are, they are incapable of being objective and at 16 they have limited influence over his choices anyway.

As DSL I would also speak to your DD myself to ensure she understood why this boys behaviour is unacceptable, and to identify a member of staff she felt comfortable talking to in school so she could report any concerns or worries. It's likely his friends will come up to her asking why she has reported him, so I would emphasise that if this happens she needs to let me or another trusted adult know immediately and they will be told to mind their own business and leave her alone. If they don't, there would be consequences.

If she has classes with the boy we would look at moving him, or if this was not possible rearranging seating plans so she doesn't have to sit anywhere near him. I would find out where both their friendship groups tend to hang out at lunch and break and ask the members of staff on duty in those areas to keep an eye out for anything untoward.

I would speak to the boys Head of Year and we would be keeping a very close eye on him and his interactions with other students. He may also need some targeted support and a keyworker to go to, depending on his individual circumstances. We would also look at some whole year group tutor time activities or assemblies around boundaries, consent and healthy relationships, but that should be happening anyway.

IME the Police will most likely not be interested in criminalising a 16 year old for this kind of thing in the first instance. But they will explain to him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop, and what will happen if it doesn't.

Your DH is being an utter wet lettuce about this. He needs to tell the boy to gtf and stop harassing your daughter.

Don’t go to the parents as you’ll only get drama and defensiveness.

If it continues, I actually would go to the police as it’s just not bloody on.

Good that she's not just allowing him back after betrayal- I hope she's ok and the boy stops harassing her

Yes, I would say police here.

They won't give him a record for this. And you can tell them this is not what you are asking for and what you want is a warning about how serious this behaviour is and how much of an impact it is having on his victim.

Then school.

If other parents contact you, to apologise or ask why police first, I would tell them that you asked the police to have a word to bring home how serious this behaviour is and the impact on your daughter, as he wasn't heeding firm warnings from you, but say that you do understand that kids make mistakes and that you hope he is getting help with his own mental health.

I'd tell your daughter that she has been brilliant up to now, but it is time for someone else to take over on her behalf, as these things can escalate and you have witnessed her having a panic attack. (She will probably feel very relieved). This is not healthy and your daughter needs to see that you will always take her safety seriously.

He calls again invite him in. Sit him down while you put the kettle on. Then reach for your phone and say while the kettle’s boiling I’ll call the police. This is harassment, I’ll insist you’re prosecuted. Hand him over to police officer.
The men who harass and stalk exes were not given this severe warning at the beginning of their stalking careers.

OP please do not do this. Inviting him into your home is so dangerous. These types of people are not reasonable and will resort to violence when they feel desperate enough.

He's struggling?
WTF have I just read?
He'll be "struggling" even more if he gets convicted of serious assault or murder!
I wish people would stop minimizing what's happening here.
The girl is in danger.

Your DH is minimising this!! I would be very unimpressed. She had a panic attack and he still won’t take it seriously? Honestly, read him the riot act.

I would also echo what others said - maybe she felt she has to be strong and deal with this herself - but the fact she has now shown you new messages she had previously not shown you, to me suggests she will be relieved if you step in to help and protect her.

Good luck with it.