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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I hadn’t told food bank about my benefits

799 replies

AreweCf · 15/04/2023 19:45

preparing to be slated so putting my hard hat on. DH had been running a business but devastatingly has had to stop due to mental health issues which he is getting counselling for. He has had to claim benefits (we are definitely claiming all we’re entitled to) but it’s still a huge drop in income. I’m a SAHM to my very high needs neurodivergent DC who are expensive in every way, before my DH became unemployed he had been footing the huge bill for their restricted diet, days out, groups, classes, toys, lessons, high heating costs, high everything costs, could go on, there are some things we have had to cut, but without these things there is a noticeable effect in my DC’s. Benefits won’t cover all of our rent either. We get our next benefit payment in 2 weeks, and our money won’t last us that long. Now, we thought we could use a food bank to help spread our money a bit further. All the food banks in the area are the same, and after honestly explaining my situation, they literally expect us to completely deplete our bank account balance down to pennies before they will help us. we’re not rolling in it, nor do we have have absolutely nothing in our accounts, but in our situation it’s not ok to be completely financially vulnerable. Are we CF’s for asking?

OP posts:
usererror99 · 15/04/2023 20:20

Your husbands mental issues must be really serious......? to be honest one of you needs to work unless you are literally on your last legs....there are two adults physically capable of working in your household but neither are currently

Tealsofa · 15/04/2023 20:21

At least one of you needs to be working, sometimes it can work better with both part time

But both staying home is a luxury you can't afford

FloatingBean · 15/04/2023 20:21

Jojobees · 15/04/2023 20:19

If her children are diagnosed, she can access higher level needs funding via her council for 1:1 care.
my kid gets it.

Show quote history

A diagnosis isn’t required to receive support.

lazytownie · 15/04/2023 20:21

the huge bill for their restricted diet,

Why is a restricted diet a huge bill? I would have thought it would be cheaper if restricted to fewer items?

Mammyloveswine · 15/04/2023 20:21

Do your children attend school? I appreciate DH had s depression is getting support from the Gp?

What did you do before children? How old are DC? How many children do you have?

whatsinanameeh · 15/04/2023 20:21

It my area you would be refused food bank referral but would be informed about community pantries, where you can buy items for cheap like a pp said (10 items for £4 or so)

Look on Facebook for community hubs such as community centres, childrens centres and churches in your area which might run these as anyone can access them

CremeEggThief · 15/04/2023 20:22

You got it wrong. You need the Community Fridge Service.

Friendofdennis · 15/04/2023 20:22

I don’t think you were cheeky I just think you maybe didn’t realise the difference between foodbanks (for which you usually have to be referred by a professional ) and other sources of free food. Many churches do food share or similar where they trust you not to take advantage of the system and to be genuinely in need of help . You usually have to queue and are allowed to take 1 or 2 carrier bags full. Some have Marks and Spencer food and others have Tesco etc You don’t need to feel guilty using this food as supermarkets need to offload their surplus food to avoid being penalised.

fluffi · 15/04/2023 20:23

YABVU

Food banks are for people who are on benefits, no cash left, nothing in the cupboards (and probably already in debt trying to fund essential bills and food previously), having already cut food and spending a lot to the basics.

Food banks are a last resort, not something to help people spread their money further.

I’m glad you were honest but I am surprised you even thought it was reasonable to ask.

Inkblue · 15/04/2023 20:23

OP, some councils have discretionary grants for people who are struggling. I know mine does. It might be worth getting in touch with them. They can also signpost other help. I imagine it’s a shock to have to try and manage with children with additional needs on benefits. If there are specific things you need help with, there are dozens of charities that can help but often means trawling through a lot or going to an advice agency so they can signpost you to them.

existentialpain · 15/04/2023 20:23

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/04/2023 19:47

Yes I'm afraid so. You don't use food banks to help budget, you use them if you have no money to buy food.

This I'm afraid.

SunshineGeorgie · 15/04/2023 20:23

Well how much is in your accounts?

Schleep · 15/04/2023 20:24

I'm really sorry if I've misread this but it sounds like you are prioritising toys, classes, games and outings over food in the hope that because the food is essential, other people will subsidise it?

Inkblue · 15/04/2023 20:24

SunshineGeorgie · 15/04/2023 20:23

Well how much is in your accounts?

She shouldn’t be obliged to disclose that. Anyway, it is meaningless info as you really don’t know what her outgoings are.

Jojobees · 15/04/2023 20:24

For extra support no, but it was to get 1:1 care for him, I needed to provide reports from all his specialists.

h3ll0o · 15/04/2023 20:24

You are being unreasonable to expect others to pay for your food so you can go to classes and on days out.DLA isn’t hard to claim with the correct evidence.A psychiatrist letter costs as little as £100 to support your application and they’re are many companies who specialise in DLA/PIP evidence.

If you are struggling for money you need to learn to live within this budget. I was a neurodivergent child and when the sole earner in my family was made redundant I went without, including going hungry. You do not understand how to prioritise your spending to best meet the needs of your family

Plaidparty · 15/04/2023 20:25

you mention cutting back not cutting out a huge list of things… toys, classes etc and unfortunately people who need food banks should be putting food before most other things.

this is exactly why they check to make sure you are prioritising your money correctly

as others have said two parents at home if a luxury - at least one should work, whilst kids are at school, sleeping etc

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2023 20:25

Schleep · 15/04/2023 20:24

I'm really sorry if I've misread this but it sounds like you are prioritising toys, classes, games and outings over food in the hope that because the food is essential, other people will subsidise it?

That's exactly what she's doing. The "days out", classes and toys clearly need to stop immediately. They are a luxury she can't afford.

FloatingBean · 15/04/2023 20:26

Jojobees · 15/04/2023 20:24

For extra support no, but it was to get 1:1 care for him, I needed to provide reports from all his specialists.

LAs often try to act unlawfully, but no, legallt a diagnosis is not required. Provision is based on needs, not diagnosis.

CharlieSays13 · 15/04/2023 20:26

Look into Olio in your local area. The app is easy to use. It can be a bit hit and miss but it's been a huge help to my family.

JingleBellez · 15/04/2023 20:26

FareShare give out donated food. Ours used to give out a LOT. Not so much since prices hyper-inflated!

Thehonestbadger · 15/04/2023 20:27

I’m an ASD mum to two toddlers so I understand your situation. My DS is expensive in every way and taking away things from his routine…etc is very detrimental.

That being said, you need to understand that there are a lot of disabled children out there who aren’t being given every single thing they possibly need to enhance their lives to the fullest. No child, disabled or not, is entitled to that unless parents can afford to fund it. Food banks are there for when you quite literally cannot source food from anywhere else. When your kids are starving and you’ve got 20p to your name.
They are not a budgeting tool to bring down your monthly outgoings and prolong your ability to fund other things in the meantime. I’m afraid that does make you a bit of an entitled CF.

The DLA/carer process is long and that does certainly present a financial challenge for families, however I’m not sure it’s entirely unfair. I’m part of a large support group of neurodivergent kids and most are in receipt of DLA. You do need to clearly evidence their issues but as long as you do that as per the instructions it’s rare to be turned down.
My DS has official diagnosis now but most in our group don’t and still get DLA.

I hope this works out for you.

saraclara · 15/04/2023 20:27

I think you'd be shocked if you saw what's in the average foodbank box.

I'm a referrer for the Trussell Trust*, and when our service users tell me what they've been given to last three days, I'm shocked. If you have children with strong preferences, you'll really struggle to use it.
It's desperation level stuff.

*This is absolutely not a criticism of the TT. They can only give out what they have, and it doesn't come close to how much they need for the number of referrals they get. And of course most food that's donated is value pasta, cereal and tins.

iamenougheveryday · 15/04/2023 20:28

@AreweCf You know your family best. You do whatever you need to do to survive. No judgement here.

VikingVolva · 15/04/2023 20:29

but in our situation it’s not ok to be completely financially vulnerable

In nobody's situation is it OK.

But support is given to the neediest, and if you till have savings, then you are not yet in that category.

I was wondering if you feel otherwise because it's been a shock to you to realise that you are vulnerable?