To wish I hadn’t told food bank about my benefits

[AreweCf]

preparing to be slated so putting my hard hat on. DH had been running a business but devastatingly has had to stop due to mental health issues which he is getting counselling for. He has had to claim benefits (we are definitely claiming all we’re entitled to) but it’s still a huge drop in income. I’m a SAHM to my very high needs neurodivergent DC who are expensive in every way, before my DH became unemployed he had been footing the huge bill for their restricted diet, days out, groups, classes, toys, lessons, high heating costs, high everything costs, could go on, there are some things we have had to cut, but without these things there is a noticeable effect in my DC’s. Benefits won’t cover all of our rent either. We get our next benefit payment in 2 weeks, and our money won’t last us that long. Now, we thought we could use a food bank to help spread our money a bit further. All the food banks in the area are the same, and after honestly explaining my situation, they literally expect us to completely deplete our bank account balance down to pennies before they will help us. we’re not rolling in it, nor do we have have absolutely nothing in our accounts, but in our situation it’s not ok to be completely financially vulnerable. Are we CF’s for asking?

I’m not attacking anyone for any decisions they’ve made to prioritise the safety of their children whilst unwell. Great, if you’ve got those support systems in place to do that. I’m merely pointing out that for a lot of people there simply wont be the option not to parent, outside of having their kids taken into care.

I don't disagree. But equally, the OP can't have it both ways. If they are both not working then benefits is their income (plus any savings they have) and they must cut their cloth accordingly. Benefits are very low, and hard to live on and budget on. I get that. But this is the real world and not the world I might prefer to live in, and this is what they must do. You can have some savings, but you are expected to use them before you fall back on "charity". Someone up thread made the comment - and I agree - that it is often those who have least who give most. Many of the donations to the food bank will come from other people who are really struggling, and who many have little or no savings. They may be very sympathetic to the OP's wanting to keep money for a children's club or such like, but sympathy isn't the same thing as agreeing. If it is a choice between paying the rent, putting food on the table, or a club, then the club must end until they are in a better position.

Speaking personally, I'm an old-fashioned hard line socialist, and I would absolutely love to raise benefit levels to a truly liveable (if not luxurious) level for those that really need them. But people are often shocked by what I would put in alongside that because they seem to think that socialism is about being "soft". I would also have everyone capable of work in work - the only people getting benefits for not working would be those who have absolutely no prospect of working. Everyone else, it would be work or no benefits. And none of these "work programmes" undercutting employee wages in shops etc that masquerade as "training". We have plenty of work not being done that is socially useful - such as cleaning the streets. Anyone who doesn't like the work may do what we all have to do - find a better job. I don't like benefit bashing, and won't get sucked into it. But I do understand some of the anger that people feel when they see people taking the piss, and unfortunately I see far too much of it as well.

Nobody in 2023 should depend on the charity of others for basic food or things necessary for life. I grew up in the 60's and was dirt poor. But I recall my parents "helping out" school friends by giving them clothes we had grown out of, or sending us to a house with a couple of eggs or some coal. Yet here we are 60 years later, with people unable to afford to heat their homes or put food on the table. That is what we should be angry about.

Wow, that was a very brave and sincere apology - a rarity for MN !! I think you may have got the impression it was depression because early on in the thread some posters assumed that’s what it was and posts have just gone on from there

@Rosscameasdoody I think it could also be that OP mentioned he was having counselling but didn't mention medication. Medication is recommended as part of treating most severe mental health problems in adults. I have bipolar and mania/hypomania would not respond to counselling. Also if someone's had a psychotic break the first port of call treatment would be meds, not counselling. Which isn't to say counselling isn't good, just that if someone has more than, for instance, moderate depression or anxiety, they would be trying meds too.

@AreweCf If he isn't trying meds I'd not be impressed if he was my husband TBH, unless he's only been in counselling a short time. Not getting on with one or two meds isn't really an excuse not to keep trying different ones- unless the counselling seems to be really effective.

Too true. Even the Government recognises the importance of poor people being given the opportunity to save money. Check out the Help to Save scheme for those on Universal Credit or other qualifying benefits.

Totally agree with @Quveas

I'm sure you've tried it but just in case have you refilled the bag with cheaper ones?

I have to say I find this hard to understand. When I was growing up I'd never heard of this level of pandering to fussy children, ARFID or not. Did ARFID not exist before? I wonder what people in developing countries do about something like that? I would guess such things don't exist there.

You introduce certain foods/brands to your kids, otherwise they wouldn't even know about them. The idea of getting your kid a specific meal from McDonald's every day sounds like utter lunacy. And something I've only ever heard of in the UK.

Maybe instead of judging thank yourself lucky your not having to deal with it and maybe try to learn.

ds is tube fed because of his arfid. It’s not about pandering!

I think it's the culture of highly industrialised, processed food and ignorance about nutrition, cooking skills etc.

From an article about Arfid:
The causes of Arfid are not known, but the prevalence of junk food in modern diets may be a factor. “Junk food is highly preferred, because it’s full of salt, sugar and fat,” Williams says. Once children start eating junk food, it is hard to wean them off it. “The children resist, object or throw a tantrum, and the parents avoid that behaviour by giving them the diet they want ... It’s hard to get out of habits when they have been established.”

It is an eating disorder and needs treating like other eating disorders.

Well frankly that “article” is a load of bollocks!

By the way I wish Ds would eat junk food. His diet mainly relies on carrots and apples hence not being able to get enough calories in to maintain himself.

Wouldn’t disagree with any of this, except to say that there would need to be a much fairer, more dignified and compassionate way of deciding who can and can’t work on the grounds of ill health/disability because at the moment it’s an inconsistent mess, as anyone who has worked in, or claimed via the benefits system will tell you. Valuable resources have been wasted for years on assessing and reassessing people whose conditions are never likely to improve, and we’re only now starting to realise how pointless that is. It would be lovely to get back the sense of community that existed in the 60’s too. I remember doors that were always open to friends and neighbours, helping out with whatever needed to be done. The so called ‘progress’ we’ve made since, seems to have isolated the sick, the disabled and the elderly, and abdicated caring responsibilities to faceless agencies more interested in profit than care.

Yes, but not by feeding your child McDonald's every day. Isn't that just enabling the eating disorder?

When a child is going to stave to death otherwise you find yourself becoming a fair bit more relaxed about what they eat!

Well they would have been diagnosed as failure to thrive, forced fed or died from malnutrition or described as a 'sickly' child. My mum only ate a very, very limited diet of very bland food as a child, she was extremely underweight and constantly unwell - even 50 years ago my nan was told feed her what she will eat, its better than starving. So I don't think it's that it never existed, I think it certainly wasn't spoken about as much and there were less convenience foods/takeaways than we have now so safe foods were different, but nobody's going to deny their child a treat in case they develop ARFID/sensory issues.

My youngest has safe foods of bread, white rice, peas and broccoli (admittedly also chocolate, custard creams and 1 specific brand of cheese and broccoli pasta in the packet and definitely not the cup) but my point is that not all safe foods are unhealthy either.

We have worked on washing him at home, it's always been a struggle, up to the point it was yet another trigger for his violent meltdowns.

Luckily there are a couple of pools he's happy to go to, so we're unlikely to be in the position of not having anywhere to go.

I don't know what would happen if I lost my job. It's already something of a struggle financially. We've had no help or support with this issue yet, maybe if we were unable to continue the swimming we would? The only real help we've had so far is with the school refusal and we've not got anywhere with that, he won't go to school, he won't do any work at home.

Wow! 😡 you certainly let out your inner cow and complete lack of intelligence today @impz !!

My 18yr old, autistic son with ARFID, is currently under an eating disorder team as he has been for over 2 years, because at 6ft tall he weighs barely 8 stone. Would you say someone with anorexia was ‘being pandered to’?
He should be eating, like all young men his age, around 3000 calories a day.
Currently, we are lucky if he manges 1800.

A few weeks ago when he weighed 7st 13, his weight to height ratio was a low 75.4%. At 77%, they will often resort to tube feeding but we have so far been lucky to avoid it - although if DS accepted it, we wouldn’t hesitate to have him tube fed to help him gain weight.

We have been told by the Eating Disorder team to feed him a triple cheeseburger (because that’s the only protein what he accepts at the moment) every day as that’s the main calories he gets/accepts. 576 calories provides him with protein, fat, calcium from the cheese and carbs from the bread roll.

ARFID was in 2013 the final chosen name for the previously called Selective Eating Disorder and yes, you wouldn’t have heard about it so much when you were younger because a) you obviously don’t give a toss about people and their difficulties and b) lots of people with ARFID are also autistic and the number of (diagnosed) autistic people in the past 2 decades has dramatically increased. People who are not autistic also have ARFID and often their ARFID can be triggered by an event such as choking.

If you’re going to comment on such an emotive and specific topic, at least try and look it up before you totally ruin someone’s day!

The OP explained her position and why she wasn’t able to work as she has a caring role for her DCs with additional needs. Have some empathy for god’s sake!

What's the alternative? Let them starve to death?

DS currently for his main amount of daily calories eats a specific food from MacDonalds which together with a drink comes to £5.22. Just for one meal for one person. Then factor in the other foods he eats - only Maryland cookies, only a certain brand of noodles I pay almost £20 for 40 packs which he gets through in 2 weeks. Only Weetabix brand, only Kellogg’s Cocopops, only Cadbury chocolate etc etc.

I must say that that does seem like quite a variety of foods, tastes and textures for someone with an eating disorder.

I honestly think someone could say something as ridiculous!
Read my message to you - my son has heart issues relating to ARFID, he’s in and out of hospital, needs blood tests regularly, is not currently allowed to exercise….all because of his ARFID!
So no - we are NOT enabling his eating disorder by giving him MacDonalds every day….we are preventing him from starving to death!

Maybe have yourself a little bit of Sunday reading…..
https://www.arfidawarenessuk.org/

A social supermarket would be a better option in your situation I think. The ones where I live you pay £5 for 10 items and they have non food goods too. You don't have to be referred and they are not means tested a you are not limited to a certain number of visits per week/month. I hope that your situation improves soon.

if he’s a danger to himself or others he’ll be in hospital.

In an ideal world maybe. That's not where we are though.

@jannier my child knows the difference. People with ARFID always do.

Well I must say that it’s an example from his safe food list over the years….not the safe foods he is currently eating. Many people with ARFID have a cyclical pattern of picking up old safe foods and dropping current safe foods - depending on their level of sensory anxiety at the time. They will often eat for example, Cocopops every day for 7 years, then drop them for no apparent reason, never eating them again until 3 years later!

7 things? Really?