To wish I hadn’t told food bank about my benefits

[AreweCf]

preparing to be slated so putting my hard hat on. DH had been running a business but devastatingly has had to stop due to mental health issues which he is getting counselling for. He has had to claim benefits (we are definitely claiming all we’re entitled to) but it’s still a huge drop in income. I’m a SAHM to my very high needs neurodivergent DC who are expensive in every way, before my DH became unemployed he had been footing the huge bill for their restricted diet, days out, groups, classes, toys, lessons, high heating costs, high everything costs, could go on, there are some things we have had to cut, but without these things there is a noticeable effect in my DC’s. Benefits won’t cover all of our rent either. We get our next benefit payment in 2 weeks, and our money won’t last us that long. Now, we thought we could use a food bank to help spread our money a bit further. All the food banks in the area are the same, and after honestly explaining my situation, they literally expect us to completely deplete our bank account balance down to pennies before they will help us. we’re not rolling in it, nor do we have have absolutely nothing in our accounts, but in our situation it’s not ok to be completely financially vulnerable. Are we CF’s for asking?

How do you better yourself then? You will always be on the edge of financial disaster without some savings.

The thing is you don't know the severity of her husbands depression. There have been times that had I been a single parent, I likely would have have had my children removed because my mental health did not allow me to care for them adequately. That didn't make me a bad person, or a weak person, or a lazy person, it just means that I was incredibly unwell and needed support than is available. So if OPs husband is extremely unwell then he might not be in a position to care for his children, and he might not be physically capable of working.

Not disagreeing with that at all. But there’s a lot of criticism on SM of parents of disabled children who have relied on social services/benefits system to provide essential equipment because all of their savings have been eaten up in disability expenses, and most have expressed the opinion that it’s irresponsible not to leave something aside and instead rely on already overstretched services. The OP found out the hard way that the benefits system allows for some leeway with savings, but most food banks, rightly, do not.

This has been brought up several times and still people keep asking the question don’t they ? People are also assuming the problem is depression, despite the OP not specifying. The lack of understanding of MH conditions here is quite disturbing.

I don't think she was planning to disclose anyway nor does she have to but how do you judge then if she is being unreasonable?

Yes, it's a shock, if you've never encountered the benefit system before, to learn that if you have over £6000 in savings you won't get a bean as you're expected to use that money for food first.

@Yerroblemom1923 I don't know if this was a typo but I don't want people feeling there's less help available than there is. It is over £16000 where you'll maybe not get a bean, not 6. With savings between 6 and 16k, they taper the amount of UC given.

My uncle declared savings of 8000 or something and he still gets a reasonable amount of UC.

That wasn’t what that poster was saying at all. They were saying that the OP had assumed that the food bank system worked in the same way as the benefits system, in that savings wouldn’t be taken into account. And TBH I agree that it’s probably a common mistake people make if they’ve never had to rely on benefits before.

I partially agree but with the COL rising massively many families will have been cutting back. Many don't have significant savings, if any. And plenty will have cancelled at least some of their children's club and activities, if they could even afford them in the first place.

Then OP comes along upset that she has to use her saving to buy food before being given charity and doesn't want to cut back on her children's activities. I can see why she has received some of those replies.

It too can see why. We are a family that can't afford activities like this and don't use a food bank.

am quite aware of the varying degrees of depression, and the individual doing nothing to change the circumstances will only make the situation go from bad to worse.

I think that was from WhereIs but didn't want to tag the wrong person. The bloke is having counselling so it's not like he's not doing anything. Work will hinder rather than help some people recovering from mental health issues (I have bipolar so I know.)

@AreweCf Is he compliant with his doctor/consultants' recommendations if they have suggested medication? There are loads of different meds they can try so he could keep going back until he finds what works best for him.

I think talking about work is unfair. We know nothing about OPs circumstances

This might be controversial but should people in receipt of benefits be getting enough to be able to save as well? A different thread topic but it does spring to mind.

Don’t make me laugh. Benefit payments in the UK are the lowest in Europe and for most claimants don’t represent anywhere near a wage that would make ends meet, let alone allow savings. Has it occurred to you that people on benefits may have accrued savings as a result of working before the loss of their job has forced them to fall back on the benefits system that they have worked and paid into ? Not all benefit claimants are feckless and grabby - most use the system as it was intended - pay in when you can so it’s there if you need it.

I read it as being more concerned about the effects on her children. The clubs and activities that many are viewing as a luxury, are probably important for her neurodiverse children. I don’t think she’s pleading special case, I think she’s been cushioned by a good income up to this point and has had a shock. It’ll take a while for her to realise that many, many families are in the same position, and gear herself up to seek out what help she can for her kids.

I stand corrected the mental health problem wasn’t specified as depression. I’ve no idea where I got that from. I apologise. It could be anything from ocd to anxiety to psychosis, I get it. if he’s a danger to himself or others he’ll be in hospital. If not many people still have to parent their children with mental health problems. Mental health problems even serious ones are very common they aren’t this elusive thing that only strike the occasional very unlucky person that we’ve all got absolutely no knowledge or experience of. I know single parents on antipsychotics who are still parenting, single mums with a bipolar diagnosis for an example. Most people (especially mums I might add) can’t/don’t abdicate parenting because of their health unless they’re in hospital. What happens if the OP gets physically or mentally ill too then? do the children just not get parented because the parents are too ill? I bet that wouldn’t happen and like a lot of situations the OP would most probably struggle on until she was in a hospital bed at which point someone else would have to step in.

@Rosscameasdoody well, I’m living a situation whereby the benefits system wouldn’t help me to get back on my feet. And I know people on benefits who are better off than I am on a month to month basis. Europe as a whole is not comparable to the UK. And people in the UK expect so much more in terms of quality of life it’s not only about basic needs like food and shelter (I am not meaning OP).

@OldFan yes, it was a typo. I meant £16000. Many people not claiming benefits have less than that in their savings account.

This.

Radiant fern I agree mums still have to parent with serious mental health conditions.

Houses our food banks can't cope. They have to prioritise.

There aren't enough beds for everyone suffering a severe mental illness in the UK. So no he won't be put in hospital just like that, mental health support in this country is abysmal. Some parents DO have their children taken into emergency Foster care because some parents genuinely are that unwell. It's great when you find the right medication/right dose and are stable etc. But sometimes mental illness really is that bad and there really isn't the support available.

I am a food bank volunteer and have been doing it for over six years. As long as the OP has been referred to us ie has a voucher from a charity, GP, school or Benefits office etc we help them! If they don't have a voucher we offer an emergency bag of food, no questions asked or judgements made, and sign post them to a relevant agency. We only turn away if we run out of food. We often have chats, offer our clients tea and cake if we have it but at no point do we say to anyone 'sounds like there are people far worse off than you, out you go'. I would say we help plenty of people in the position of OP, not just those on their last legs although we get plenty of those too. We get people who have recently lost jobs (so probably have savings) and we get those who come in nice cars (owned before things went sour), none are expected to tell us about their savings or sell their cars first. Need is need. The only thing that makes me sad is the fact we have become part of the landscape now, with Government advising people to go to the food bank instead of solving the actual problems.

@AreweCf hope things improve for you soon. Perhaps speak to your GP or Benefits office about getting a food bank voucher instead of going directly.

@HistoryFanatic not sure, I’m working on this. I do think people who are working should have a greater likelihood of managing to save than somebody in receipt of benefits. Encouragement and resources for getting back in to work. Many people want to work but have a higher income coming in on benefits.

Also when I have been that well I havent 'abdicated my parenting'.....in my mind I was doing everything I could to keep my children safe, but due to me being very unwell I couldn't see that certain things were having a damaging impact on my children. I still loved and cared for my children while incredibly unwell, I didn't just give up on them.

Wow, that was a very brave and sincere apology - a rarity for MN !! I think you may have got the impression it was depression because early on in the thread some posters assumed that’s what it was and posts have just gone on from there. I kind of got the impression that DH had had some sort of breakdown, possibly work related as it must be very stressful trying to run a business the way things are at the moment. But I might be way off the mark. I do wish the OP hadn’t been run off the thread because there’s been some good advice posted amongst the judgment and snarkiness, and you make a good point about the fact that the OP has a lot on her at the moment. Some posters suggest it would be easy for her to get a job, but that may well be too much to cope with given everything else that’s going on, and as you say, what happens if she goes under ?

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