To wish I hadn’t told food bank about my benefits

[AreweCf]

preparing to be slated so putting my hard hat on. DH had been running a business but devastatingly has had to stop due to mental health issues which he is getting counselling for. He has had to claim benefits (we are definitely claiming all we’re entitled to) but it’s still a huge drop in income. I’m a SAHM to my very high needs neurodivergent DC who are expensive in every way, before my DH became unemployed he had been footing the huge bill for their restricted diet, days out, groups, classes, toys, lessons, high heating costs, high everything costs, could go on, there are some things we have had to cut, but without these things there is a noticeable effect in my DC’s. Benefits won’t cover all of our rent either. We get our next benefit payment in 2 weeks, and our money won’t last us that long. Now, we thought we could use a food bank to help spread our money a bit further. All the food banks in the area are the same, and after honestly explaining my situation, they literally expect us to completely deplete our bank account balance down to pennies before they will help us. we’re not rolling in it, nor do we have have absolutely nothing in our accounts, but in our situation it’s not ok to be completely financially vulnerable. Are we CF’s for asking?

I agree with most of that, although please don't romanticise the past, as people are wont to do. That "sense of community" didn't exist - it was just different. There were many good qualities yes. I also grew up opposite a pub with huge signs in the door and window that said "No blacks, no Irish, no dogs" - my family are Irish. I remember the drunks rolling out down the street (there was a pub at each end of the street!) to go home and beat hell out of their wives / partners every single weekend night - and it wasn't "behind closed doors" because everybody knew. I remember the racism, the homophobia, the misogyny and more. These things weren't just invented in the last couple of decades, and they were significantly more prevalent and accepted back then. And many of the disabled (I am now disabled) were actually shut away, institutionalised, taunted and worse - think about some of the language that was around even at an official level (anyone else remember the Spastic Society ???) We have definitely made progress. It simply isn't enough progress.

@Verbena17 sorry, that makes more sense!

@HecticHedgehog those things that were listed were pretty diverse.

Verbena17 yeah sure but in the UK there is a huge amount of people claiming to not be able to eat xyz foods, I wonder why? I remain spectical of this and the causes. I think a lot of it is down to parenting.

"Would you say someone with anorexia was ‘being pandered to’?" Anorexia sufferers in treatment aren't enabled to continue their disordered eating patterns are they?

And it’s not actually those 7 things.
It’s actually
The MCDs (+ coke)
Maryland cookies
Maltesers
Noodles
Small glass of milk.

Every single day until he drops one or more of those things.

I'd start your own thread

Sorry I meant to start a new post, wrong button clicked

Kids had restricted diets in the past. My brother only wanted to eat noodles, cereal and milk. McDonald's was not an option as we never had it.

I've read some posts and all of the OP's posts. I'm lost as to what she's done wrong. I've got a friend who was able to get a food bank referral simply because she's a pensioner. She's 67, her daughter works full time and lives with her. With this referral she's now able to pop to the food bank once a week and often complains some of the foodstuffs on offer aren't very interesting. All beans and rice etc. Her weekly visits are now something that she has to do so she'll message me and say "Monday I'm going to the library so I'll do my shopping and visit the foodbank". Not the slightest hesitation or questioning; she's entitled. Thing is though, I reckon there are many like her, but many more are people in genuine need. I don't understand why the OP is being deemed by MN collective as not in need?

Sorry @verbena I was responding to @goodchat who thought that was a wide variety for someone with an eating disorder. I'd say that's pretty normal for ARFID and clearly not a wide variety at all.

Surely anyone with an eating disorder like this needs therapy more than anything?

I think the way that you are talking about MH is incredibly dangerous. I have OCD, C-PTSD, Depression, GAD, Health Anxiety Bipolar and EUPD. I have never been unsafe to take care of my children,
However, my husband with just depression was affected badly enough that I could not safely leave him with our children, between the fact that he couldn't adequately concentrate enough to ensure the safety of our youngest, or even that his needs could be met and he was so snappy that the eldest (who is very sensitive) didn't feel she could talk to him.
He wasn't ill enough to be hospitalised, but was certainly not well enough to be responsible for children.

Please don't make such sweeping judgements, because different people really are affected differently. Luckily we had savings to see us through until he was on medication and feeling well enough to take care of himself and take some of the responsibility of the children.

I often wonder if ARFID people can only manage so many foods at any one time. Hence why they drop and later pick up the same safe foods, but rarely eat all of them at the same time.

@impz

This is exactly what I was told. I have an autistic daughter who was incredibly fussy around 2-5 years old. I was told to not give in, supplement her diet with nutritional supplement (like complan) stick to a balanced diet etc and try innovative ways to get her eating eg we had success putting food into wraps rather than using cutlery, sitting picnic style on the floor to make eating fun ... also hide packet's as they will think they know the brand when they really don't if unaware.

By 6 she was eating a bigger range of foods i could work with, and we brought in a 5 rule - you can nominate 5 vegetables you do not like, that's it.

It's hard getting them off a restricted diet but you have to stick to your guns, eating McDonald's or one brand of potato waffle is not sustainable, and remember you can use the ultimate trick, bribery - whether that's chocolate or a favourite computer game (dd couldn't go on the PlayStation until she finished her dinner at primary school age)

You need to be getting professional advice urgently rather than continuing the limited diet

So if it’s down to parenting, why doesn’t my elder daughter have ARFID? 🤔
From your replies, I really wouldn’t be surprised if you told me my parenting caused my child’s autism! 😩

And no - nobody is enabling ARFID - they’re preventing their children from dying. Anorexia is not the same eating disorder as ARFID, even though the weight issue might often look the same and require similar feeding therapy/treatment. People with ARFID are not restricting their intake because they want to look thin. If you genuinely want to learn more about ARFID, you should check out my recent AMA about ARFID so you don’t make any more completely heartless and naive comments on people’s sensitive threads.

i am really intrigued as to what your solution is then

you seem to be missing the fact that a child with arfid will stave before they eat what they deem as an unsafe food.

ds oral intake is actually the best it has been in years due to his tube meaning we can take a no pressure route. His average daily oral intake is now
— 3 or 4 raw carrots
A couple of apples
2 packets of walkers smoky bacon crisps
A bowl of Tesco vanilla ice cream.

he will very occasionally have a specific frozen curry or some garlic bread.

this is a massive improvement for him!

From where? I asked for help in 2012. I was told I should have adapted by now

And where exactly does this therapy come from? My DD1, who is blind and has autism and ADHD as well as a brain injury, among other disabilities, has binge eating disorder. She was not accepted for support by our local CAMHS service as they only have funding for anorexia cases; in its crudest term, you can be a child who is starving yourself to death and get help but not if you’re a child eating yourself to death.

Maybe you can petition the government then…because not every healthcare funds treatment for ARFID because it’s so difficult to treat and also because not every health care practitioner understands it. Great Ormond Street and the Maudsley are the most expert in ARFID I would say and yet still the majority of children and adults with ARFID are not being seen or accessing the correct care.

Sorry haven't read the full thread but do you have a community pantry type thing near you?

I go to one that is £3.50 a week and you can help yourself to fridge and cupboard food, anyone can go and there's no questions about your income

That’s brilliant @Sirzy - brill achievement! Hope things keep moving forward for him. 😊

That is certainly the case for ds

Yes for ds too.

Apologies @AreweCf - I didn’t mean to sideline the thread with my ARFID stuff - I was just explaining about restricted diets and the cost of having to buy specific foods and then it kind of snowballed.
Hoping you have managed to find a local food bank to keep you going for a bit.