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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I hadn’t told food bank about my benefits

799 replies

AreweCf · 15/04/2023 19:45

preparing to be slated so putting my hard hat on. DH had been running a business but devastatingly has had to stop due to mental health issues which he is getting counselling for. He has had to claim benefits (we are definitely claiming all we’re entitled to) but it’s still a huge drop in income. I’m a SAHM to my very high needs neurodivergent DC who are expensive in every way, before my DH became unemployed he had been footing the huge bill for their restricted diet, days out, groups, classes, toys, lessons, high heating costs, high everything costs, could go on, there are some things we have had to cut, but without these things there is a noticeable effect in my DC’s. Benefits won’t cover all of our rent either. We get our next benefit payment in 2 weeks, and our money won’t last us that long. Now, we thought we could use a food bank to help spread our money a bit further. All the food banks in the area are the same, and after honestly explaining my situation, they literally expect us to completely deplete our bank account balance down to pennies before they will help us. we’re not rolling in it, nor do we have have absolutely nothing in our accounts, but in our situation it’s not ok to be completely financially vulnerable. Are we CF’s for asking?

OP posts:
Mumofazoo · 16/04/2023 12:16

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/04/2023 12:08

I call bullshit on your claim that you cared for your kids whilst ill enough to be hospitalised. If you were in hospital, you cannot have been looking after your children because you were not at home to do so.

When I've had a bad relapse, I've lain in bed all day not eating, not drinking, even given myself cystitis, because getting out of bed to drink a glass of water and use the loo was more than I can face. I've gone for over a week without even brushing my teeth, nevermind showering. Would I have been a fit person to look after two neurodivergent children when I was that ill? Severe depression is a serious illness.

Show quote history

Same here, I was hospitalised due to a psychotic breakdown which then triggered a depressive episode.(I have bipolar 1) there is no way on earth I would of been able to look after my children. Luckily I have an amazing dh who not only cares for me but also out ND children.
Major depression is not something you can just snap out of.

Crumpleton · 16/04/2023 12:16

Sirzy · 16/04/2023 12:03

But then they do need to change their lifestyle to meet that.

i fully understand why they don’t want to cut back on groups and things for their child but sadly the circumstances may mean they have to. Like many people you need to prioritise what you have not what you wish you still had.

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I 100% agree with you.

Just pointing out what OP has written people keep asking the same question.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/04/2023 12:17

Clymene · 16/04/2023 11:32

@AreweCf - I and many other posters asked you reasonable questions about the ages of your children and their disabilities in order to help you. I have a disabled child and I thought I might have valuable advice and I was concerned about you.

You haven't answered those questions but you have been merrily posting away elsewhere which led me to conclude that my concerns were probably misplaced. I'm glad really as it's a really horrible scenario. It's not harassment and I do hope you're ok.

The only thread that Advanced Search does for OP's username is this one, so what stalking have you been doing to find her elsewhere?

Againstmachine · 16/04/2023 12:17

Crumpleton · 16/04/2023 11:56

OP has already said...
Neither of us can work,

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No neither of them want to work, and will continue to make excuses.

They have savings and are deciding to misuse people's generosity.

BuddyandTinsel · 16/04/2023 12:19

Unfortunately, people took the piss even out of food banks. I saw several posts in the past on FB local pages with people selling food bank parcels.

I used to refer people to food banks and deliver it too till seeing that sort of thing. And once provided a food bank parcel to someone and texted them the following week to check how things were and if they might need another and they said they didn't need anything because they were going on holiday to Jamaica the day after.

And I get that maybe someone else paid for the holiday or they'd booked it months ago and would lose the money if they cancelled but still - they would have been taking some spending money I imagine yet were saying they couldn't afford to eat the week before.

So that's probably why food banks are being harsher now.

rattymol · 16/04/2023 12:20

Mumoffazoo I agree. And if someone can't look after their kids they end up in care.

Porkandbeans1 · 16/04/2023 12:21

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 16/04/2023 12:05

You mention things such as toys/classes etc, these are not a necessity and these are the things you need to cut back on.

Surely that depends on what they are. For us that would mean not taking DS swimming which means he would literally never wash or change his clothes - I'd consider that a necessity.

What would you do if your local pool had to close for an extended period for a refurb? And if you lost your job and only had the money for food or swimming I'm sure you'd choose food and would work on washing your child at home.

jannier · 16/04/2023 12:21

Not unusual for any child to struggle when they no longer get all the treats they are used to so not surprising your child is particularly struggling but most people in your situation couldn't have afforded the endless toys and outings anyway. Look for you lending schemes....many have send toys and Free outings
You need to spend your savings on food and heating.

rattymol · 16/04/2023 12:23

We can't afford regular swimming sessions for the kids. It is expensive

Clymene · 16/04/2023 12:23

Sorry, it's all rather boring @bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg
I didn't do any stalking or use a special advanced version of Advanced Search (Confused), I just came across her posting on a different thread.

potatowhale · 16/04/2023 12:24

It's ridiculous that food banks even exist but j guess the alternative is people who can't afford to eat would die

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/04/2023 12:26

Clymene · 16/04/2023 12:23

Sorry, it's all rather boring @bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg
I didn't do any stalking or use a special advanced version of Advanced Search (Confused), I just came across her posting on a different thread.

Fair enough. I apologise. I was going to have to anyway because I thought I was on Advanced Search and in fact was still on basic search.

HistoryFanatic · 16/04/2023 12:29

Quveas · 16/04/2023 11:30

I genuinely don't understand the comment made. Nor do I think it is harassment.

You said you'd put your hard hat on because you expected to not like some of the replies. Obviously it wasn't that hard a hat.

But honestly, you aren't doing yourself any favours here. There may be people who don't agree with you. That's life. But there are others here who would genuinely have some good advice to offer, but it's being offered in the dark. Would it really hurt to answer some of the questions asked, such as how much money you have in savings, what benefits you have, where the money is going, what the eeds are, etc? The more informed people are, the better the advice. Maybe it won't help or change anything. But if you really are struggling surely it's worth it just to make sure you haven't missed anything?

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I suspect she won't answer the savings question because it would probably be more than what most people have in savings and make her look really bad.

potatowhale · 16/04/2023 12:32

HistoryFanatic · 16/04/2023 12:29

I suspect she won't answer the savings question because it would probably be more than what most people have in savings and make her look really bad.

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Even if its £100 I think it needs to be used. The point of savings is for a rainy day - this is a rainy day

rattymol · 16/04/2023 12:33

I too suspect she has more in savings than many people.

BeverlyHa · 16/04/2023 12:34

Your post is deceptive, your child has a very limited diet. So ?

Crumpleton · 16/04/2023 12:36

Porkandbeans1 · 16/04/2023 12:21

What would you do if your local pool had to close for an extended period for a refurb? And if you lost your job and only had the money for food or swimming I'm sure you'd choose food and would work on washing your child at home.

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Our local swimmings pool did close during COVID for months.

BuddyandTinsel · 16/04/2023 12:40

potatowhale · 16/04/2023 12:32

Even if its £100 I think it needs to be used. The point of savings is for a rainy day - this is a rainy day

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I agree. But many don't. I remember several MNetters being extremely outraged at the start of covid that they'd lost their jobs (which sucks obviously) but couldn't claim benefits because they had more than whatever amount of thousands of pounds (15k? is it) in savings.

Because they had the savings earmarked for something like a house deposit or an extension and didn't think they should have to spend it on rent/bills/food. Lots of talk of what was the point in saving if 'people who never bothered to' were entitled to state help but the state expected them to spend their hard-earned savings on you know, living.

Okunevo · 16/04/2023 12:41

OP, how much do have left for how many days once you have deducted any bills that need to be paid before payday? Will you need petrol before then or just food?

1DoesNotSimplyWalkIntoMordor · 16/04/2023 12:42

Whereisthelove2 · 16/04/2023 11:12

@1DoesNotSimplyWalkIntoMordor Perhaps you should see the content of them before deeming it to be just a YouTube video. It provides small ways to implement change to help the situation. I am quite aware of the varying degrees of depression, and the individual doing nothing to change the circumstances will only make the situation go from bad to worse.

You're got the wrong person, I've not mentioned anything about depression/YouTube videos or anything else to do with the OP.

I responded to another poster who was asking about provision in an EHCP.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/04/2023 12:42

Againstmachine · 16/04/2023 12:17

No neither of them want to work, and will continue to make excuses.

They have savings and are deciding to misuse people's generosity.

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How can you possibly know that, when we know nothing of DH’s mental health condition ? I can’t imagine anyone would give up a lucrative business and the lifestyle that obviously went with it, to survive on benefits unless there was a pretty compelling reason. With two neurodiverse children to look after, if DH’s MH condition is a serious one, I would’ve thought that would preclude either of them working. And if DH is claiming anything disability related he would have to provide conclusive evidence that the MH condition was enough to make him unfit to even look for work. So if the DWP have accepted that, who are you to question it ?

Rosscameasdoody · 16/04/2023 12:45

BuddyandTinsel · 16/04/2023 12:40

I agree. But many don't. I remember several MNetters being extremely outraged at the start of covid that they'd lost their jobs (which sucks obviously) but couldn't claim benefits because they had more than whatever amount of thousands of pounds (15k? is it) in savings.

Because they had the savings earmarked for something like a house deposit or an extension and didn't think they should have to spend it on rent/bills/food. Lots of talk of what was the point in saving if 'people who never bothered to' were entitled to state help but the state expected them to spend their hard-earned savings on you know, living.

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And out there in the real world people would be telling the parents of a disabled child, that it’s irresponsible to have nothing in the bank to cope with emergencies connected to that disability. You can’t win.

Sirzy · 16/04/2023 12:47

Rosscameasdoody · 16/04/2023 12:45

And out there in the real world people would be telling the parents of a disabled child, that it’s irresponsible to have nothing in the bank to cope with emergencies connected to that disability. You can’t win.

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In the world I live in very few parents of disabled children will have notable savings because they have issues working at all/very much and disability benefits are woeful so everything they have goes on survival

many would love to be able to afford to pay for more things to help but it’s not realistic. It may not be right but it is what it is.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/04/2023 12:49

HistoryFanatic · 16/04/2023 12:29

I suspect she won't answer the savings question because it would probably be more than what most people have in savings and make her look really bad.

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I suspect it’s more to do with some of the truly awful responses from people way upthread. MN is becoming increasingly hostile. I seem to be seeing many more instances of the OP being driven off their own thread by horrible posters hell bent on criticising and nitpicking.

Yerroblemom1923 · 16/04/2023 12:54

So according to @pam290358 those parents with SEN kids are allowed to access food banks whilst still having a few thousand in the bank to allow for emergencies. Everyone on the breadline worries about unexpected emergencies eg washing machine breaking down car failing mot etc etc I don't think you're being v fair. Yes, it's a shock, if you've never encountered the benefit system before, to learn that if you have over £6000 in savings you won't get a bean as you're expected to use that money for food first.