To think that my DH and I are growing apart due to political differences?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

DH and I met 15 years ago. We were both fairly liberal and centre in terms of politics and subsequent discussions were amicable. Fast forward all those years and he’s turned more to the right, whereas I’ve gone more to the left.

We differ now about almost everything: Brexit, refugees, unions and strikes. I feel that he’s become a real Tory bore to be honest. Has this happened to anyone else? Obviously we do try and be respectful of each other and have good debates about politics but fundamentally I feel that we aren’t as close as we once were. He’s a lot older than me too and he has become cynical, grumpy and argumentative whereas I’ve got a lot more energy and vitality to me. Sometimes I really crave a decent left wing professor to spend my evenings with. (Partly joking about that, but you get the gist)

I think it’s more the behaviour part that would upset me. If you didn’t talk about politics would you still notice it?

My husband is more right than I am, I would consider myself in the middle (liberal) but It doesn’t really cause any issues. Some of his points are interesting and good conversations, others sound very self centred but I always like to learn and I feel speaking with others who have opposing views is a great way to learn.

During lock down he did get a little ‘conspiracy theorist’, I would have described him in the same way you have described your husband,l but looking back, I can now see he was depressed.

If he has always been this way what were his other qualities that made him attractive as a husband despite this.

@PerfectYear321 It's very, very easy. We talk about books, music, films, or research, our travel plans, our hopes for the DCs. We respond to the political situation by making choices when we vote, as everyone does, but we are both intelligent adults, we don't need to discuss those with each other or anybody else.

Yes, I have definitely considered this. But I promise I don’t have a monopoly on morality and I fully appreciate that the world is not black and white.

I would really enjoy discussing things in a more gentle, nuanced way I suppose and I can’t have this right now.

Similar OP. DH and I met 36 years ago in our teens.

We are poles apart now politically and I feel he lacks empathy in any discussion relating to it, yet he’s not an unkind man.

Other than this we are very happy so I’ve decided never to talk about politics. I did say to him though that if we had met later in life it would never have got past a first date 🤣

I can't believe some people are saying they have no idea about their spouse's political views. Especially now that one of our two main parties is so extreme, it goes beyond politics. It's about general outlook on the world, which is surely one of the main things you need to have in common in a successful relationship.

I'm 65, nearly 66 and have lots of friends of similar ages. We sorry about the right wing attitudes of the young. Other than in the opinion of people on this site, can you evidence any rigorous research that supports your "well known" "fact"?

I think you've given that sneering observation more politeness than it deserved

I think the "cynical, grumpy and agruementative" is a good enough reason to reassess your relationship

Exactly this. Politics aside, I'd be reassessing.

How is anyone NOT personally involved? How on earth can things that impact on local, national and global futures be "pointless"?

These things don't depend on you or your feelings or how passionately you argue. So is it worth tearing shirts over it?

OP seems fed up with her DH altogether and seems looking to cause an argument.

Sometimes I really crave a decent left wing professor to spend my evenings with.

As someone who works with left wing professors, I can tell you that many of them are utterly insufferable.

Quveas - ha no, sorry, I guess from my own and friends experience, all the right on types end up reading the daily mail in old age! And I thought alot of brexit was the older voter, again, just my perception!

Absolutely this, and I find this is true to the multitude of posts like this.. 'hey I'm a cool, liberal and down with the kids leftie, don't you think I'm just like sooo much better than my x/y/z who votes Tory. Don't they know I'm totally accepting and tolerant, unless you're right wing'...

Politics is in everything though. Unless you only ever talk about the weather, you can't never touch on politics.

It's pretty sad anyway.

French I agree with you, my DH & I have very different political views .. at one point we had a Labour poster in one window and a Tory poster in another ..how petty and I do think he can be a bit of a right wing git but our marriage has lasted over 30 years, in many ways he is a lot kinder and more concerned about society than many of my more left wing friends ... he will happily spend his free time volunteering and helping out in the community much more than many people who love to 'bore on' about the evils of a capitalist society but wouldn't dream of helping collect food for the Food Bank, volunteering with underprivileged youngsters or driving the elderly to hospital appointments... all of which my DH does regularly.

15 years can make a big difference in a relationship especially as you get older. You don't say your ages but if someone was 60 and the other person 75 of course the 75 year old will have less energy.

I think you are being unfair.

Well, you could do what me & my DP do on some political issues, eg immigration; agree to differ.
If, however, politics has become a proxy for more fundamental incompatibilities in your relationship, and that you have grown apart, then you have bigger problems to worry about than how each of you is going to vote at the next election.

Exactly. People love saying they don't know how their partner votes on MN but I think it's got to be bollox with the shocking decline in this country. They must just talk about bunny rabbits and unicorns 🙄🤔

why don't people realize that Left vs. Right discourse is really outdated and makes little sense in this century?

I think it's possible to have different views on politics and live amicably (most of the time). My parents did and managed to but this was mainly because whenever my mum aired the discussion my dad was the master of ignoring it/diffusing it. At some point after brexit my sister followed my dad's lead but said she did not want any political discussions with us.

I enjoy a political discussion with my boyfriend and we mostly agree on most things but I admit I'd struggle with someone right wing. I think politics is way more divisive now than it ever was.

I'm a pretty right leaning Christian and my husband is an atheist who is left of centre, Al more right of it than he used to be. We discuss things to a certain level and leave it at that. Where I can find some common ground or am able to see his point, even if I disagree, I make sure that I find that opportunity to unite in those small moments. I try to make the most of neutral moments where we do non political stuff, like watch our old favourite comedy shows, go for walks and chat about our day etc. My inlàws are lovely but all real lefties and I definitely feel a bit uncomfortable when they are all agreeing on a certain topic I disagree with. I never say anything though and just kind of busy myself doing something else. What I always remember is that most people's political views are shaped by their life experience and how they think the world could be a better and more fair place. This looks different for different people, but most people's political views come from a desire to do the right thing. I used to be a real leftie and couldn't imagine that any right winger could possibly care about anyone. Now that I am one, I see through the looking glass and understand my previous position, my current one and how people feel about both. I respect other people's views but if I felt my husband was trampling all over mine, we would have to establish some serious boundaries, at home and in public. Fwiw, I think people who bang on about anything all the time, generally don't feel very heard and they are desperate for their view to be affirmed.

Yes. Kind of. I'm not sure if it's new or if it's coming up more since when I was 22yo it wasn't really something we spoke too much about. But now politics is everywhere compared to 10 years ago and a lot more polarised. We disagree on quite a few things (similar to what you mentioned) but it's not complete opposite. I just don't really talk about it. When he goes on for a rant I just acknowledge it but not going to argue against it cause it goes nowhere. But if it was totoal opposite then it would be a potential deal breaker. But he is coming across crumpy old man but thankfully he acknowledges it when I poke fun at him.

@Ragwort
That’s so true. When I was a Labour activist, I got to know many Tories who were far nicer, kinder, less sanctimonious & less judgemental than many of the lefties in my own party.

I would seriously divorce my DH if he started to vote Tory. I would genuinely question his beliefs and morals!

I found it interesting being home, with a lot of my family being really (very) right wing, and militant. I don't know how many times I chewed my tongue until I damned near bit it right off.

I was prepared to discuss issues to a point, where I didn't think I was being baited (not very often). Otherwise, I'd drag out my kindle and read, or talk gaily about the weather with someone else.

When it's your partner, it must be so much harder. I saw one relative, who used to be prepared to argue with her partner, just parrot her partner's views, and it's kind of sad, because, quite frankly, she was the smarter one. But it must get very wearing.