AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

Yes, you've got me! I want him to fund my flashy, lavish luxurious lifestyle 🙄🙄🙄

As usual on Mumsnet, the narrative of PP's has taken a life of it's own. I don't want or expect him to pay for my clothes or shopping sprees or whatever it is I'm being accused of. I just don't expect to be invoiced by my partner for household items or tiny purchases. I'm hardly expecting to be provided with luxury goods and lavish holidays. Exactly how am I taking the piss?

You're not. And of course you need clothes for a new job. I've helped my children and their spouses in the past when they've started a new job.

Your husband is miserably mean and I couldn't live like that

@PleaseJustText Why didn't you just have a conversation with him before getting to the shouting and arguing about an app stage?

@Tuatara22 There are people on MN who wilfully misread things. You are married, and therefore your money should be shared (assuming one of you isn't a ridiculous spendthrift, which you are clearly not).

It is despicable of one half of a married couple to keep bringing up the fact that they paid for the other's emergency dental treatment.

My ex husband was a complete shit, but even he didn't come out with that one.

I don't expect him to pay for my clothes, and I have no problem paying him back once I get paid. The thing that annoyed me is the £7 plant being added to the tab, because it's petty and also for the shared garden (which he does use, enjoy and care about).

Did you tell him that?

I honestly think a lot of this could get sorted out with a shared budget that would force you both to hsvevs talk
about priorities.

If your DH’s into finance subreddits, ask him if he’d consider doing YNAB Together with you. See what he says.

To be fair, telling him to fuck off and stop taking my money had the desired effect. We already had some individual categories like spending money, hair cuts, clothes etc. I haven't spent anything from my clothes budget because I wanted to wait until I had more money to buy something expensive. He wanted a new wetsuit and rather than reduce his own spending on other things and wait a month to make up the full amount... he took the money from my clothes category "because you weren't using it" and the rest came from our holiday money. Then later he suggested we go away for a long weekend (with what money? He spent it). I'm strict with budgeting but he's known that for 7 years. It was the main reason he's been asking me to join accounts.

He's now realised that I'm consciously going without rather than sitting there with a bunch of money I don't need. I think there was a little part of him that assumed it was some maths magic rather than delayed gratification that paid for my treats.

How unattractive.

What a weird set up. We have separate bank accounts, always have for 30 years and if I run short I just use his account 🤷

OP ignore posts from idiots who say you should be going to charity shops to get a work wardrobe - they're fucking mad! It's not unreasonable to want suitable clothes for a new job and your husband should be happy to help you out - he should want you to feel confident when you start and part of that is knowing you are appropriately dressed!
You're sharing bodily fluids, you should be able to share some money when needed.
It's absolutely batshit crazy to be married to a man who will bill you for a garden plant!

How does that work if they're separate?

This.

It's why I took out a credit card at the age of 18 when I was starting my new office job and the only clothes I owned were wide legged jeans and band t-shirts. You want to make a good impression when starting a new job, and if you don't already have an appropriate work wardrobe, you need to get one. Even if that means borrowing money.

Why are you still with him? He's a modern day scrooge.

I completely disagree with the gender reverse comments. If a woman had required her new husband to move to her country for her health, and she earned 3 times what he did, and he was still trying to establish himself in the workplace in a new country. She would be ripped to pieces for not helping him establish himself, and yes that includes clothing appropriate for work, and looking after the home while he was not working. Its utter nonsense the 'be kind' brigade would support her keeping a daily tally of what he now owed her.
Sorry OP but this marriage is a farce, I bet you do most of the unpaid work and he just pockets that with no recompense too. I would be looking at how I could support myself or return to my home country and be around people who actually loved me - not a user who think I should sacrifice everything for him while offering nothing in return.

Like I said I just use his card for his bank account to pay for stuff !

This is horrendous! I can't imagine being in a partnership with someone like this!

Get a plan and leave the moron.

I hate this and I'm glad you're waking up to it.

If you're married his money is legally 50% yours. These are the bounds of marriage. He sounds financially abusive, controlling, manipulative, and very cold hearted. I am sorry this is happening to you.

You should have a joint bank account and whatever is left after bills and food, you both share equally. He sounds like an accountant, the way he behaves. He also sounds like he has OCD from childhood issues and I would suggest counselling. I think he needs to talk to someone about this.

If you can't freely spend money that's 50% yours and your husband doesn't realise this, if he makes you ask, makes you feel sad, bad, guilty - That's not love. That's entrapment. It's illegal.

Sit him down and tell him "Joint account now. Scrap the tab and spreadsheets, or F*ck off and spreadsheet me the cost of a divorce."

You deserve more. You deserve better.

What ever you do make sure you find out how he expects children to be paid for and their care, maternity and wrap round care, nursery before you even think about getting pregnant if that is your plan

Oh I’d be running for the hills. Money is only ever the visible tip of the iceberg. I’ve found that people that are mean with money are also mean with their time, their compliments, their love, their spirit … it’s unlikely to get better ….

never understood this approach to finance, we chuck ours all in a pot, if it's not under £100 don't always mention it if other person isn't there (usually do as we don't hide things, but not to get 'permission' etc. It's very liberating- as is not worrying too much about small amounts of money, without being frivolous.

If he’s been like this from the start, why are you bringing this up now? It’s obviously played on your mind for a long time - you know it doesn’t sit right. You both need to go to a marriage counsellor and talk about this before you go any further with your lives. People are telling you not to have children, quite right because he’s not going to improve without help, and if he’s refuses he obviously doesn’t see that he has a problem.

I also worry about men like this when it comes to their wills and they die at a younger age Their estates are much bigger than their wives and don’t always leave it to their spouse. That money is legally yours too.

This a million times. This is a recipe for financial abuse during pregnancy/post natal when you're at your most vulnerable. It won't get better.

I know someone who charges his wife lift money, he is just a horrible piece of work but his wife won’t leave him.

But it’s YOUR marriage, and YOUR life! You sound a bit like a hapless passenger, rather than equal partner.

I mean the garden plants are weird, that would come out from our household expenses account and under £20 it would not even be mentioned until the other person noticed them in the garden. But then we’ve been through different stuff together and had to at periods rely on the other in turn.
Your work wardrobe arguably could’ve been achieved cheaper than few hundred - a pair of shoes, 5 tops, 2 pairs of bottoms, a jacket, one handbag - if you really don’t have anything that would do till pay check- would cover the first month. I think my husband would offer to at least contribute to that, I would not feel comfortable and ask to repay him for all but maybe one item. But assuming, as you say, that’s a loan and you get to spend your money as you please.

But I do think you’re missing a much bigger problem here. I immigrated to UK about a decade ago and within 6 months could get a credit report and score- it has nothing to do with citizenship- I’m still not a citizen but have perfect score despite being on parental career break for 6yrs. Things to check: are you on electoral roll? Have you checked you’re not with any of the credit rating agencies or just one? Are the bills in your name spelling your surname right? I’d honestly be worrying more about that than your husband being picky about money.