AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

I am also an immigrant to the UK and have had a credit score here ever since I moved. Your credit score from the country of origin doesn’t transfer here but you build up your own score here by having your own bank account, mobile phone bill, council tax, name on the electoral register (depending on the country you came for). If you don’t have a credit score you need to get bills in your name as there will absolutely be a record of you here.

This. This is why I’m divorced.

You aren't married, you could break up tomorrow and just walk away with no legal claim on any of eachother assets, it makes sense to keep things separate in your position. This is a married couple, they aren't boyfriend and girlfriend.

You're right.

As Dorothey Parker famously said

"Don't put all your eggs in one bastard'

To be fair, we’re getting married next year and will be keeping it the same. We may decide to open a joint account if we have children in the future but it’s unlikely. We’ve been together ten years and we just like to be in control of our own money 💁‍♀️

Ewwww YANBU. What a tight wad!

You should be paying just under a quarter.

If one subscribes to this ridiculous way of splitting the household finances.

Would it be rude to ask how you met this prince among men? (Ex registrar here).

My mum used to be married to a man who charged her for everything eg packet of biscuits, tin of hairspray, and expected her to pay for her own fish and chips if he went to get some. I found it dreadful and I couldn’t live that way. To add insult to injury he was loaded and mum had very little.

@Justgorgeous
What is legally yours is dependent upon where you live and laws and regulations governing that location.

Just as there is no universal best practice for money management within a marriage; there is no universal laws governing the ownership of assets within in a marriage. These laws vary from location to location.

It is perhaps somewhat misleading to suggest that there are some kind of controlling universal laws.

Leave him. This isn't a marriage.

Sorry, wasn't aiming that at you specifically. But if he earns a lot more and contributes a lot more then he's probably facilitating a lifestyle you couldn't afford on your own.

I was thinking that too and agree that a fairer split would be he pays 3/4 not 2/3 of the bills. Further to this I’d tell him he needs to address this with a therapist as it’s not normal and pretty damaging to a relationship.

If they're happy to share finances then maybe. But without kids involved I can see how the higher earner might be a bit resentful.

I couldn't itemise everything and would prefer to share finances, but I probably wouldn't be prepared to bankroll a man in the first place.

Such double standards on this site, if it was the husband owing the wife the money, you all be saying that she should demand the money back, if you owe the money pay it back, shouldn't of borrowed it otherwise.

Just personally, I couldn't be married to him. My husband, no deceased and I always put our money in the same account and pay bills from it. I handled the finances. Big expenses, we talked about first. None of this, you pay this and I'll pay that stuff . Never understand that. That's just me. My 1st husband, married 10 years was the same way. Savings for both were put in one account, too.

He’s got a calculator instead of a brain, which is a complete turn-off.
Personally, I could never be with someone like that.
Sorry no advice to help you.

Very mean. Me & dh Have separate finances (he earns about 5x what I do. He transfers some money to me each month which helps with food costs & previously for kids things (now adults). He pays all the main household bills. I pay for food, pet insurance, my car expenses & odd bits & bobs. If I have extra expenses (huge dentist bill recently) he will always offer to help out & never asks for it back. We're a partnership. He once said he would never have got on in his career if I hadn't brought the children up (we have a child with a disability) so willingly I changed my job (& gave up my career) to be there for them.

I'd ask for your dh to pay to look at the plants you grow.

This, yet again.

You have stated that you have no issue with paying him back for larger expenditures, but balked at the garden plants. I would have as well, as that gets into "petty BS" territory.

I cannot fathom a loving spouse who would, given that the money was available, balk at financing a reasonable work wardrobe in order for his wife (or her husband, for that matter, should the opposite be true) to be able to rejoin the work force. That's a bit of "cutting off your nose to spite your face."

And I repeat what many others have said. Think long and hard about having children with this man.

Also, this is more likely to get worse with time than better.

I find this absurd! I honestly get his financial insecurities and maybe he needs to go see some professional help regarding his finances and his mental health. Yes have separate accounts and a joint house account...

What were your vows 'for better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in in health...? And should you or your DH fall ill? Will someone have to be hired to look after them as there seems to be conditions on your financial health

Surely can't expect you to pay for plants in a shared garden, split the cost like the bills...

Is he saving hard to pay off the mortgage so he can give up work? That's what a friends husband did, she still working though lol. Perhaps you need more openess around his financial goals.

😂😂
How unattractive is he? He will never give you what you need if he can't even share his finances.
Can't believe what some women post about with these awful men.

tell him to add therapy to his personal expenses. i grew up in poverty and still wouldn’t dream of treating my partner like this.

God almighty, I don’t know how you have managed to end up being married to a man like that. Sounds horrific. Being brought up in a poor family is absolutely no excuse for this type of behaviour.

My husband grew up in a piss poor working class family up North, absolutely no way would he ever dream of behaving the way your husband does when it comes to money.

I pity you as there is no way I could be with a man like that. Someone who really loves you will want you always to have to have the best of everything. My husbands not a big spender in that he never really buys much for himself, but he is always asking me if me or the kids need anything.

he earns much more than me, our money goes into one pot and I spend it on what I want and never have to justify it.

My MIL grew up in poverty that I have no doubt was more extreme than your H’s - because it was a different time - and she was as generous with her money as the day was long. Don’t let him convince you that his behaviour is
somehow noble.

My partner of 10 years has always been the same right down to pence. He asked me for 13p the other day. Charges me for petrol if we are going anywhere. Even a bar of chocolate He picks up for me as a treat He asks for the money ..

He's loaded. And as tight as a ducks behind. He once gave me a long haul flight care pack of tooth brush toothpaste etc you get free. He bought them in a charity shop for a £1. Had the cheek to wrap them up for a present.

He blanks my sons birthday and my grandchildren birthdays etc...

So at Christmas this year. He started again about how much things cost and how he hates xmas. Blah blah...

I said .. ive had enough of this crap. . Off you go ... he still doesnt know what the issue is. I'm not about to list his faults. Im just glad to be rid of the miserly arse.

I would dump yours too he won't get any better. Your self worth deteriorates in this situation.