Page 13 | AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

Tuatara22 · 2023-04-15T14:22:23+00:00

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids. He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy. I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab. I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

Dilemma19 · 16/04/2023 04:09

Fgs all op wanted was some appropriate clothing for her new job and some lunches to tide her over. They can easily afford that. Why on earth is that 'frivolous'. Any loving, caring husband would buy that for her without a second thought and least of all expecting to be paid back! This man sounds insufferable and getting worse with more money. Op do not have children with this man. Can you imagine running every little thing past him or trying to justify the hundreds of little things children need. It will be a miserable life for you and your kids. You barely go out now, how would you justify to him taking kids out or going on trips etc? He's not even 30! Think wisely, it will only get worse.

JMSA · 16/04/2023 04:15

Highly unattractive.

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2023 05:05

I would get counselling sooner rather than later. As it stands you couldn’t possibly have children with this man, at least you’d be an idiot to.

what if you just say that’s our garden not just mine and buying some plants for it is a joint expense, why should I pay you back? I’ll pay you 1/3 if you want to be a total stingy miser, but this is no way to live.

ImAvingOops · 16/04/2023 07:45

As things stand it's his garden. You really do need to sort out your rights to money and property.

MagiMagic · 16/04/2023 09:11

How long had you known each other? Did you primarily get married when you did for immigration purposes? (NO criticism if you did as its why my DH and I got married!).

Might it be that although he married you he still feel cautious of the relationship?
Does he have any family reasons that he might be cautious with money? Did his family gift him money towards the house or does he need/want to pay money to his family?
Is he actually mean or does he simply not get any value in nicer clothes or cars. A few of my family members are very well off but only buy clothes, new shoes, new tech etc if they really need to. Both drive old modest cars. It's nothing to do with being mean, they aren't interested.
One of my DC is on something like £80k a year and has a iPhone 6 and that was a hand me down from his girlfriend.

TheMilkWhisperer · 16/04/2023 09:30

He sounds like a FIRE fanatic this guy. Which is ok if he is single no dependants. But OP he obviously wants you to buy into his fanaticism. Which isn’t ok. If you haven’t also bought into it then as far as I’m concerned it’s financial abuse.

LadyEloise1 · 16/04/2023 10:03

Dilemma19 · 16/04/2023 04:09

Fgs all op wanted was some appropriate clothing for her new job and some lunches to tide her over. They can easily afford that. Why on earth is that 'frivolous'. Any loving, caring husband would buy that for her without a second thought and least of all expecting to be paid back! This man sounds insufferable and getting worse with more money. Op do not have children with this man. Can you imagine running every little thing past him or trying to justify the hundreds of little things children need. It will be a miserable life for you and your kids. You barely go out now, how would you justify to him taking kids out or going on trips etc? He's not even 30! Think wisely, it will only get worse.

This 💯.

Comedycook · 16/04/2023 10:08

Agree...if you have children you will have a miserable time. Maternity leave will mean you can't contribute so much towards bills. He won't help you out with good grace, in fact you may end up 'in debt' to your own husband. Then I can virtually guarantee all childcare costs will come out of your salary...so you'll be scrabbling around trying to stop contribute to bills on top of that.

I could be wrong....

Ofcourseshecan · 16/04/2023 10:19

I don't have any access to his accounts, and I don't know how much he has in them. … He doesn't seem to think I need access to them and doesn't really engage with the idea. He also closes accounts and changes banks frequently to get bonuses for opening new accounts so it would be a nightmare to figure out.

On top of all his other selfish, unloving, skinflint behaviour, this is very irresponsible. He’s treating you like a lodger in your own home (yes, it is yours as well as his). He doesn’t seem to see you as his wife and equal partner.

I would not have children with a man like this. He would make your and their life a misery.

JusthappyBrowsing · 16/04/2023 11:10

It seems I am in the minority here, but I see where your husband is coming from. If we reversed genders of OP and DH in this equation and we imagine that DH is a woman who married a man who moved countries, then that
man has been out of work for months, expects to be bought things and then is annoyed to be expected to pay things back, I think most people would say that the man needs to step up and take some financial responsibility for themselves.

Your DH sounds like he’s very much at the frugal/mean end of the spectrum, but he’s provided for both of you for months on end and stepped up to help you when you’ve needed it.

From your responses to anyone who takes a different stance to you, you sound like you feel entitled to be provided for by your DH because you’ve moved country. Which would be fine if you were both on the same page with money. But you’re not. If I were in your DH’s position, it would grate for me to have to fund more frivolous purchases for someone who is able to provide for themselves financially. Especially if I save myself by not buying things like new clothes and plants for the garden.

It beggars belief that you couldn’t possibly have started this new job without a whole new wardrobe. You wanted new clothes, and that’s fine, but IMO your DH is not obligated to buy you things that you want, but can’t afford on your own steam. It would be nice if he did, but that’s not the kind of person he sounds like.

In your mind, he’s tight and you want more and resent him for it. In his mind, he’d probably think that you’re irresponsible with money and need to be a bit more independent and frugal.

I don’t think either party is hugely unreasonable here, just at very different ends of the spectrum on a crucial household issue. If you wanted to try to improve things, you’d both need to find a way to accept the other’s stance and find common ground. He could stand to be less tight and you could stand to be more conservative with money.

And as everyone has said, you need this squared away before you start a family, otherwise it will be the root cause of a thousand arguments!

Walkden · 16/04/2023 11:20

"I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money"

Feels kind of strange to be criticising someone for anxiety over money when you are spending money someone else earned

.You are not even at the "supporting his career" stage yet, but will obviously need to agree on how things will work if you do have a family

Hayliebells · 16/04/2023 11:56

ImAvingOops · 16/04/2023 07:45

As things stand it's his garden. You really do need to sort out your rights to money and property.

That's sorted because they're married, so OP doesn't really need to worry about that. The house is therefore a shared asset, irrespective of who is on the mortgage/deeds. The starting point in divorce is always 50/50, but can be altered if there's children involved for example (in the favour of the primary carer). Yes if they weren't married the OP should be very very concerned about the housing situation, but they are married, so it's a moot point.

Kennykenkencat · 16/04/2023 12:05

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/04/2023 20:13

The OP has posted that he begrudgingly paid for her emergency dental treatment and hasn't let her forget it.

So medical/dental....is there a big difference?

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Yes. Dental isn’t free

Original poster

Tuatara22 · 16/04/2023 14:01

JusthappyBrowsing · 16/04/2023 11:10

It seems I am in the minority here, but I see where your husband is coming from. If we reversed genders of OP and DH in this equation and we imagine that DH is a woman who married a man who moved countries, then that
man has been out of work for months, expects to be bought things and then is annoyed to be expected to pay things back, I think most people would say that the man needs to step up and take some financial responsibility for themselves.

Your DH sounds like he’s very much at the frugal/mean end of the spectrum, but he’s provided for both of you for months on end and stepped up to help you when you’ve needed it.

From your responses to anyone who takes a different stance to you, you sound like you feel entitled to be provided for by your DH because you’ve moved country. Which would be fine if you were both on the same page with money. But you’re not. If I were in your DH’s position, it would grate for me to have to fund more frivolous purchases for someone who is able to provide for themselves financially. Especially if I save myself by not buying things like new clothes and plants for the garden.

It beggars belief that you couldn’t possibly have started this new job without a whole new wardrobe. You wanted new clothes, and that’s fine, but IMO your DH is not obligated to buy you things that you want, but can’t afford on your own steam. It would be nice if he did, but that’s not the kind of person he sounds like.

In your mind, he’s tight and you want more and resent him for it. In his mind, he’d probably think that you’re irresponsible with money and need to be a bit more independent and frugal.

I don’t think either party is hugely unreasonable here, just at very different ends of the spectrum on a crucial household issue. If you wanted to try to improve things, you’d both need to find a way to accept the other’s stance and find common ground. He could stand to be less tight and you could stand to be more conservative with money.

And as everyone has said, you need this squared away before you start a family, otherwise it will be the root cause of a thousand arguments!

That's not accurate. I don't expect him to fund my lifestyle, hence I work as well and contribute financially. I don't expect him to pay for my clothes, and I have no problem paying him back once I get paid. The thing that annoyed me is the £7 plant being added to the tab, because it's petty and also for the shared garden (which he does use, enjoy and care about). I would and have paid for things for him without requesting repayment because it's not a big deal. I'm not some sort of freeloading, grabby mail order bride.

People seem to have a real issue with me buying new work clothes. Very odd to me, I hardly think it's outrageous to buy some business casual dresses and smart shoes for a new job when I didn't have any before. Was I supposed to turn up in leggings and trainers? Be for real.

OP posts:

Couldyounot · 16/04/2023 14:28

Fluffymule · 15/04/2023 16:54

Yeah but he'd probably charge her an entry fee.

And she doesn't get paid till the end of the month. So that'd go on the tab too.

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Excellent point, @Fluffymule. He sounds exactly the type.

namechangetheworld · 16/04/2023 14:56

JusthappyBrowsing · 16/04/2023 11:10

It seems I am in the minority here, but I see where your husband is coming from. If we reversed genders of OP and DH in this equation and we imagine that DH is a woman who married a man who moved countries, then that
man has been out of work for months, expects to be bought things and then is annoyed to be expected to pay things back, I think most people would say that the man needs to step up and take some financial responsibility for themselves.

Your DH sounds like he’s very much at the frugal/mean end of the spectrum, but he’s provided for both of you for months on end and stepped up to help you when you’ve needed it.

From your responses to anyone who takes a different stance to you, you sound like you feel entitled to be provided for by your DH because you’ve moved country. Which would be fine if you were both on the same page with money. But you’re not. If I were in your DH’s position, it would grate for me to have to fund more frivolous purchases for someone who is able to provide for themselves financially. Especially if I save myself by not buying things like new clothes and plants for the garden.

It beggars belief that you couldn’t possibly have started this new job without a whole new wardrobe. You wanted new clothes, and that’s fine, but IMO your DH is not obligated to buy you things that you want, but can’t afford on your own steam. It would be nice if he did, but that’s not the kind of person he sounds like.

In your mind, he’s tight and you want more and resent him for it. In his mind, he’d probably think that you’re irresponsible with money and need to be a bit more independent and frugal.

I don’t think either party is hugely unreasonable here, just at very different ends of the spectrum on a crucial household issue. If you wanted to try to improve things, you’d both need to find a way to accept the other’s stance and find common ground. He could stand to be less tight and you could stand to be more conservative with money.

And as everyone has said, you need this squared away before you start a family, otherwise it will be the root cause of a thousand arguments!

Wholeheartedly agree. If the genders were reversed here the OP would be called out for taking the piss, and rightly so.

PleaseJustText · 16/04/2023 14:57

I'm kind of with your husband here. I had separate finances from my DH for several years. Though in our case, I earn much less than him and grew up in a working class family. His family were much more comfortable. We recently joined finances after years of separate accounts. I worried that it would feel like I'm using his money but if anything, it feels like I'm going without and he's using any money I've not spent. It's been difficult but I stayed quiet for the first couple of months then got annoyed and shouted at him.

We have a budget on an app and he spends first then checks the app later. Every time I look he's spent money on himself or the house and has taken money from other categories in the budget. So his new trainers mean we have less in money for food shopping. Or if he buys lunch every day, there's nothing left for me to have my once a month lunch with the team at work. While a fancy set of plates is nice, we have plates that work and could save the money to pay for them rather than using MY disposable income. I've had to create a new category called "money Please could have spent but didn't" and when I decide not to use £50 of my shopping budget on a really nice jumper I move it into there. I finally told him how I felt when he mentioned he'd seen some diving equipment on EBay and asked what the £900 sitting in "money Please could have spent" was for. ME, ITS FOR ME BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SPENT OVER FOUR F**KING GRAND ON A NEW HOBBY IN THE LAST TWO MONTHS.

amiold · 16/04/2023 15:06

PleaseJustText · 16/04/2023 14:57

I'm kind of with your husband here. I had separate finances from my DH for several years. Though in our case, I earn much less than him and grew up in a working class family. His family were much more comfortable. We recently joined finances after years of separate accounts. I worried that it would feel like I'm using his money but if anything, it feels like I'm going without and he's using any money I've not spent. It's been difficult but I stayed quiet for the first couple of months then got annoyed and shouted at him.

We have a budget on an app and he spends first then checks the app later. Every time I look he's spent money on himself or the house and has taken money from other categories in the budget. So his new trainers mean we have less in money for food shopping. Or if he buys lunch every day, there's nothing left for me to have my once a month lunch with the team at work. While a fancy set of plates is nice, we have plates that work and could save the money to pay for them rather than using MY disposable income. I've had to create a new category called "money Please could have spent but didn't" and when I decide not to use £50 of my shopping budget on a really nice jumper I move it into there. I finally told him how I felt when he mentioned he'd seen some diving equipment on EBay and asked what the £900 sitting in "money Please could have spent" was for. ME, ITS FOR ME BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SPENT OVER FOUR F**KING GRAND ON A NEW HOBBY IN THE LAST TWO MONTHS.

Would it work to have a bills account and then have your disposable money in your own accounts? Then he isn't spending your share on himself? He's the higher earner but seems to spend more of your money. Could have picked it up wrong but are you worse off now?

Original poster

Tuatara22 · 16/04/2023 15:08

namechangetheworld · 16/04/2023 14:56

Wholeheartedly agree. If the genders were reversed here the OP would be called out for taking the piss, and rightly so.

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As usual on Mumsnet, the narrative of PP's has taken a life of it's own. I don't want or expect him to pay for my clothes or shopping sprees or whatever it is I'm being accused of. I just don't expect to be invoiced by my partner for household items or tiny purchases. I'm hardly expecting to be provided with luxury goods and lavish holidays. Exactly how am I taking the piss?

OP posts:

rookiemere · 16/04/2023 15:29

@PleaseJustText DH and I each get a monthly allowance to spend how we wish on clothes, lunches at work and personal things. It's not a perfect answer as DH is more interested in tech and flashy cars than I am, and these are joint purchases, but it reduces the day to day discussions.

I like city breaks and skiing so I mostly use my money to save for that. DH is talking about saving for a cheap camper van over the long term as I have no great interest in us getting one.

namechangetheworld · 16/04/2023 15:31

Tuatara22 · 16/04/2023 15:08

As usual on Mumsnet, the narrative of PP's has taken a life of it's own. I don't want or expect him to pay for my clothes or shopping sprees or whatever it is I'm being accused of. I just don't expect to be invoiced by my partner for household items or tiny purchases. I'm hardly expecting to be provided with luxury goods and lavish holidays. Exactly how am I taking the piss?

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You're contradicting yourself. You don't want him to pay for your shopping, yet don't want to pay him back either. Which is it?

A couple of hundred on a whole new work wardrobe isn't a 'tiny purchase' either, unless you're loaded. And if your DH is anything like the majority of men he isn't really bothered whether there are plants in the garden or not. He's probably resentful that you're expecting to spend HIS money on things he doesn't want or need, especially if he's trying to be careful with the finances.

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 16/04/2023 15:34

I wouldn't want to live like this with everything being itemised. But then again I'd probs also get a bit annoyed if I was always picking up the slack for somebody who earned far less and wanted me to fund their lifestyle. I'd probably keep wondering what it'd be like if I was dating an equal.

ajenniejonesworld · 16/04/2023 15:35

How are people defending this man??? The post about it being ridiculous that the OP wanted to get new clothes for work are coming from the perspective that they as a household do not have the money to spend. They clearly do. The OP stated in one of her posts that they are financially very comfortable. So why the fuck is someone saying she needs to go to the charity shop?!!!!
My DH earns more than me. He is a very good saver as there's nothing that he really wants to spend money on other than holidays. I do like buying things, I love clothes and fashion. So I buy myself items fairly regularly from that are a mix of new and (mainly) pre-loved. My DH just rolls his eyes when a parcel turns up or I emerge in something he hasn't seen before. Because though he's got no interest in spending on clothes etc he knows that I do and that as a household we can afford it. My DH is naturally a tightwad but he doesn't impose that on me, so similarly I don't take the piss and am amazing at seeking out bargains and discounts.

OP you need to insist on that counselling as your marriage is going to struggle to survive your DH's shitty attitude.

PinkPondQueen · 16/04/2023 16:06

OP I'm with you on this one but I think you're being incredibly naive thinking that he is ever going to fork out hundreds if not thousands of pounds for counselling...! Help for being a mean, tightfisted husband is not going to be available on the NHS 😂

He could just rip up his stupid spreadsheets for free. But of course that's never going to happen either.

Personally i'd be running for the hills living with someone like this.

Original poster

Tuatara22 · 16/04/2023 16:07

namechangetheworld · 16/04/2023 15:31

You're contradicting yourself. You don't want him to pay for your shopping, yet don't want to pay him back either. Which is it?

A couple of hundred on a whole new work wardrobe isn't a 'tiny purchase' either, unless you're loaded. And if your DH is anything like the majority of men he isn't really bothered whether there are plants in the garden or not. He's probably resentful that you're expecting to spend HIS money on things he doesn't want or need, especially if he's trying to be careful with the finances.

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Perhaps you struggle with reading comprehension, but maybe you could try reading my OP more closely, or my previous replies.

I don't have a problem paying him back for the clothes. That's not the issue. He does actually care about the garden and the plants in it.

We are married so it's not just "his" money.

OP posts: