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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD wants BF to come on family holiday with us

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:24

Hi everyone please honest opinions good or bad
My husband and I are going to Dubai end of September & have told my DS22 & DD19 if they are free they can come however they have to pay for their own ticket/accommodation at hotel all well & good & they agreed.
Today DD19 said she wants her bf19 to come as well but as he can’t afford to pay for his ticket/accommodation if we can pay & if not she will pay towards it but not all of it 😳 which I didn’t think was fair at all as it looks like he wants a free holiday out of us.
So now DH & DD are at loggerheads with each other over this. DD is saying she don’t want to miss out on the family holiday & she really wants to come to Dubai & how will having her bf there affect things but husband is saying he wants to go there to relax as the holiday was only intended for us as a family & even if he does pay why should he come on holiday with us when he’s not invited. So who is being unreasonable

OP posts:
Soproudoflionesses · 15/04/2023 00:26

End of September is still quite a way off, who says they will still be together then?

Yanbu op.

elm26 · 15/04/2023 00:27

Do people actually believe you can't share a hotel room if you're unmarried? Or drink alcohol? Or wear revealing clothes? It's all young people do in Dubai now 😂 it's the go to place for all you can drink, ladies day and beach clubs.

I have a friend and a cousin who live there, both of them live with their boyfriends, not married, go out for nice dinners and get drunk every other night.

Maray1967 · 15/04/2023 00:35

If she has actually been crying at work over this you need to remind her about professional behaviour. Crying because your grandparent has died is one thing; crying because your parents won’t sub your boyfriend a holiday is pathetic. It’s a good job I’m not her line manager.

PeloMom · 15/04/2023 00:41

@Notjustabrunette you're right; wasn’t aware the law changed

Mari9999 · 15/04/2023 01:16

I think many parents with college age young adults Expo to pay for the children on a family vacation. Telling your kids that you and your husband are going to bein Dubai from x-z and if they pay for their hotel and lodging the can come as well. That is information ; that is not an invitation. Obviously, they can go to Dubai or anywhere if theyare able to pay for travel and lodging.

This is not your typical family vacation; this is just a group of people who are related being in the same place at the same time. In my world the concept of a family vacation is slightly different.

The expectation that you would pay to take a guy that your daughter is dating when you are either unwilling or unable to pay for your own children is a bit absurd.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 15/04/2023 01:31

They can go on their own holiday then.

Hadjab · 15/04/2023 01:43

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 18:32

No 3. Make it clear you are not paying, the deal was they paid for themselves, and also make dd aware that boyfriend or she will have to pay for a separate room for him. They are not allowed to share. That's likely to mean single supplement so much higher price.

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Umm, they don’t have to have separate rooms at all. My daughter and her partner have been to Dubai numerous times and have shared a room.

ferneytorro · 15/04/2023 02:52

BellaBlossoms · 14/04/2023 18:40

Worrying behaviour from the BF tbh, very manipulative.

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Now, this may be me projecting but I did wonder whether he is making it difficult for her to go alone? I had similar many moons ago - again with a boyfriend who didn’t pay his way as well as being excellent at coercive control . But as I said , that’s me projecting .

LemonTreeSkies · 15/04/2023 04:42

BlackBarbies · 15/04/2023 00:10

Why do people think a 19 year old can’t afford a ticket and accommodation for Dubai?! Not everyone goes to uni, some teenagers do work full time…

Exactly. I went to Thailand for three weeks when I was 19 🤷‍♀️

Blueblell · 15/04/2023 05:43

It sounds like your kids are paying a contribution and not the full cost of the holiday, which with food and drink ect will really add up.

I would suggest to her that she comes on the family holiday alone but books a cheap (if such a thing exists anymore) summer holiday with her bf.

if you pay for him, at every meal you will end up feeling resentful and it will spoil your holiday

WandaWonder · 15/04/2023 06:25

MoltenLasagne · 14/04/2023 18:30

I'm confused. You have told your children they have to pay their own way (fair enough) but DD has now asked to invite her BF and also expects you to pay for him when you're not paying for your own children?

Thank you for simplifying this, so yes all this

EthicalNonMahogany · 15/04/2023 07:27

As you become a young adult it's sometimes weird to think you're leaving the nice embrace of your family of origin. Mum, dad, little sister, whatever, all off on a holiday and while it's exciting to think you are starting your own life and can go on hols with partners, there is regret and FOMO for the family you leave behind.

I think your DD is too old to come on
holiday with just you - she doesn't want to be back in the family and wants boyfriend there. But she's not brave enough to lean into being an adult, starting her own relationship and having her own more modest holidays that she is responsible for designing and paying for with him.

She's not realised this is a threshold moment for her so she's having a tantrum. You need to gently encourage her to see this - adults can't "have the cake" of a holiday where they are supported by mum and dad, and "eat it too" by bringing their new partners and having a fun young adult time.

Holly60 · 15/04/2023 07:49

MoltenLasagne · 14/04/2023 18:30

I'm confused. You have told your children they have to pay their own way (fair enough) but DD has now asked to invite her BF and also expects you to pay for him when you're not paying for your own children?

I'm confused too. Why does she think you will pay for him when you aren't even paying for your own children?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 15/04/2023 08:52

Isn't there every possibility that if you accepted for dd to pay for him to come they could be split up by end of September and then all the drama of refunding money etc.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/04/2023 09:03

I was surprised about the shared bedrooms though. I stand corrected

Up to a point perhaps, but I assure you issues do still happen - though in fairness they're usually in smaller places and I expect OP may not be staying in one of those

In any case the underlying cultural attitude to western women's still there, and for that reason if no other many prefer to avoid the place

Stripedbag101 · 15/04/2023 09:07

Gagaandgag · 15/04/2023 00:02

Why don’t they just go on their own holiday together?

Become he can’t afford it? He needs/expects his girlfriend and her parents to pay

BattleofBeamfleot · 15/04/2023 09:17

OP, it sounds like you need to explain to DD that being an adult sometimes means making tough choices about what you can and can't afford, not expecting others to fund uninvited guests.

She's not 12 looking for lift for a friend; she's asking for hundreds of pounds you didn't offer for the company of a person you don't want.

"Crying at work" about it is what I'd expect from the 12yo but a 19yo needs to learn to manage her emotions appropriately. I'd ask her if she's not embarrassed to be telling you this, because it makes her look drama-seeking? (But I have a tendency to weigh in on the condescending side when I'm annoyed, which is, admittedly, unhelpful.)

MzHz · 15/04/2023 09:31

@Safarigiraffe is this boyfriend putting pressure on your dd? He’s telling her he doesn’t trust her? That she’ll cheat on him or something- is he manipulating her?

sashh · 15/04/2023 09:39

DD is being unreasonable.

raincamepouringdown · 15/04/2023 10:16

Hellno45 · 14/04/2023 20:17

She is choosing to miss out.

If she is crying at work then she needs to grow up and be professional. Its a holiday after all. No one has died.

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She sounds worryingly immature. And quite possibly in an unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend. Sounds like one of them is controlling/distrustful of the other and one is definitely an entitled leach.

Gagaandgag · 15/04/2023 11:35

Stripedbag101 · 15/04/2023 09:07

Become he can’t afford it? He needs/expects his girlfriend and her parents to pay

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I meant a different location they could both afford. Like wales, not Dubai 😂😂

Gagaandgag · 15/04/2023 11:47

I hate it how as soon as you suggest something on mumsnet people jump on you like that. I read and understood the whole thread. In my mind they are both working if the daughter and boyfriend want to go away they can look at their joint budget and what they can afford. If they can’t afford Dubai (and it doesn’t sound like he is welcome anyway) she can either go with her parents and plan a separate more affordable one with boyfriend. Or if she can’t afford both she has to choose, it’s her choice.

Stripedbag101 · 15/04/2023 12:03

Sorry didn’t mean to a annoy you

Gagaandgag · 15/04/2023 12:19

Apology accepted.
Sorry just going through a bad time right now

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/04/2023 12:36

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/04/2023 09:03

I was surprised about the shared bedrooms though. I stand corrected

Up to a point perhaps, but I assure you issues do still happen - though in fairness they're usually in smaller places and I expect OP may not be staying in one of those

In any case the underlying cultural attitude to western women's still there, and for that reason if no other many prefer to avoid the place

So how do they know if a couple is married? Do you have to show your marriage certificate? I don't really see how they can police foreigners on this