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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD wants BF to come on family holiday with us

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:24

Hi everyone please honest opinions good or bad
My husband and I are going to Dubai end of September & have told my DS22 & DD19 if they are free they can come however they have to pay for their own ticket/accommodation at hotel all well & good & they agreed.
Today DD19 said she wants her bf19 to come as well but as he can’t afford to pay for his ticket/accommodation if we can pay & if not she will pay towards it but not all of it 😳 which I didn’t think was fair at all as it looks like he wants a free holiday out of us.
So now DH & DD are at loggerheads with each other over this. DD is saying she don’t want to miss out on the family holiday & she really wants to come to Dubai & how will having her bf there affect things but husband is saying he wants to go there to relax as the holiday was only intended for us as a family & even if he does pay why should he come on holiday with us when he’s not invited. So who is being unreasonable

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 14/04/2023 18:39

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:37

Well we have said absolutely not and now she’s said she’s missing out on a holiday and that we are being very unreasonable. Plus she was crying at work & is very upset

"DD, stop crying at your work, that's ridiculous and will cause you to end up on a disciplinary. We can't afford to pay for anyone else and that's that."

BellaBlossoms · 14/04/2023 18:40

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:37

Well we have said absolutely not and now she’s said she’s missing out on a holiday and that we are being very unreasonable. Plus she was crying at work & is very upset

Worrying behaviour from the BF tbh, very manipulative.

QuillBill · 14/04/2023 18:40

Why can't she go without him if she doesn't want to miss out on a family holiday?

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 18:42

You tell her

We would love you to come on the holiday as previously discussed.

We can’t afford to pay for you, your brother or anyone else.

If you can’t afford to come or don’t want to come anymore that’s fine.

raspberrywine · 14/04/2023 18:42

I can't believe she's crying at work over this.

Is it typical behaviour for her?
Has she changed since meeting b/f?

Just trying to get context but the answer is still no.

BellaBlossoms · 14/04/2023 18:43

Sorry, posted too soon. It’s worrying that she was prepared to part pay for him, expected you to pay the shortfall and now is upset at work. What’s he saying in the background I wonder?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:44

QuillBill · 14/04/2023 18:40

Why can't she go without him if she doesn't want to miss out on a family holiday?

Exactly what i told her today

OP posts:
BringtheJury · 14/04/2023 18:45

I'd be concerned that he's happy to scrounge off of you , did he ask to come or was this your daughters idea?

Irritateandunreasonable · 14/04/2023 18:46

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:31

DD said she would pay towards the price for his ticket & accommodation but we can top up the rest for him so in reality he is getting a free holiday she also said she was crying at work cos we said no & how will having her bf there affect things

Absolutely mental that she would think this was ok. Bizarre.

Probz · 14/04/2023 18:46

DD is a CF. But I wouldnt have a problem with him going if he was paying for himself like!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/04/2023 18:47

I personally think YABU for not paying for your kids to go when you're calling it a family holiday.

Not unreasonable to not allow the boyfriend though. Seems like she has attachment issues with him if she can't survive a holiday without him..

lanthanum · 14/04/2023 18:48
  1. He can't afford it.
  2. It's not the best place for a young unmarried couple to spend their holiday.
  3. He wasn't invited, and five is an awkward number

Tell them to have a lovely holiday somewhere cheaper.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/04/2023 18:49

BellaBlossoms · 14/04/2023 18:40

Worrying behaviour from the BF tbh, very manipulative.

Show quote history

You have no idea what the BF has said! It could all be in the daughters making.
I was like this myself. As I said earlier. It's attachment issues

Lastnamedidntstick · 14/04/2023 18:49

Are you contributing to the DD’s coming at all?

i’d be inclined to say bf wants to come, he pays. Simple as that.

they’re adults, and I don’t think you can stipulate whether they come/who they come with unless you are paying.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:49

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/04/2023 18:47

I personally think YABU for not paying for your kids to go when you're calling it a family holiday.

Not unreasonable to not allow the boyfriend though. Seems like she has attachment issues with him if she can't survive a holiday without him..

Just to clear things up by what I meant as a family holiday - we said to both my son and daughter that we are going to Dubai and if they wanted to come then it’s up to them but as they are both working they would have to contribute towards their ticket & accommodation as they are both in full time employment (Son is 22 and daughter is 19) they agreed it

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/04/2023 18:49

She/he/or both of them are being manipulative.

Tinkerbyebye · 14/04/2023 18:50

So let her be upset

ypu have invited your kids on the understanding they have to pay for themselves. So why exactly she thinks you would pay for her boyfriend is beyond me

she has three choices

  1. come on her own
  2. between the 2 of them they pay for him, but that has to include meals, etc
  3. she stays at home
over to her now
autienotnaughti · 14/04/2023 18:50

We just did abroad with 2 dd and their bfs. It was nice and we all get on well but not as relaxing as just family. Plus meals out / drinks were tricky as we didn't want to always pay. I'd stand your ground especially as he can't pay for himself. It would be a shame if she chose not to go. I'd be concerned he's guilting her.

Riapia · 14/04/2023 18:52

One word, beloved on MN, will convince your DD that it’s a bad idea.
DYNAMIC.
Most people on MN haven’t a clue what it actually means but it’s the answer to everything.
Tell her it will alter the dynamic.

itsmylife7 · 14/04/2023 18:52

What drama...go with your husband only.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/04/2023 18:52

Has she been away with her bf and his family? Is this where the idea has come from?

LlynTegid · 14/04/2023 18:52

No is a complete sentence.

Even if it was Dorset or Deauville not Dubai.

BellaBlossoms · 14/04/2023 18:52

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/04/2023 18:49

You have no idea what the BF has said! It could all be in the daughters making.
I was like this myself. As I said earlier. It's attachment issues

Show quote history

Read my other post upthread!

breakingintopieces · 14/04/2023 18:55

Honestly, if she can't bear to be detached from him for the length of a holiday, my worry is that she'd get herself into trouble in Dubai for 'inappropriate' behaviour with her boyfriend. It's not a liberal place.

fairgame84 · 14/04/2023 18:55

She's a CF.
Don't back down.
Why on earth does she think you will pay for her freeloading bf when you're not paying for your own children?