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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD wants BF to come on family holiday with us

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:24

Hi everyone please honest opinions good or bad
My husband and I are going to Dubai end of September & have told my DS22 & DD19 if they are free they can come however they have to pay for their own ticket/accommodation at hotel all well & good & they agreed.
Today DD19 said she wants her bf19 to come as well but as he can’t afford to pay for his ticket/accommodation if we can pay & if not she will pay towards it but not all of it 😳 which I didn’t think was fair at all as it looks like he wants a free holiday out of us.
So now DH & DD are at loggerheads with each other over this. DD is saying she don’t want to miss out on the family holiday & she really wants to come to Dubai & how will having her bf there affect things but husband is saying he wants to go there to relax as the holiday was only intended for us as a family & even if he does pay why should he come on holiday with us when he’s not invited. So who is being unreasonable

OP posts:
Izzy54321 · 14/04/2023 19:42

Wow that comment was a tad snobby “the council house of the Middle East” 🤨🤨

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WitcheryDivine · 14/04/2023 19:43

Do you think he's putting pressure on her? or maybe being jealous "you just want to shag other men on holiday" kind of thing?

Bit confused @Safarigiraffe can you tell me which is right:

A) your kids are paying for their flights and accommodation but you'll take them out and likely pay for meals etc for all of you on the trip, your daughter wants you to pay for similar things for boyfriend (i.e. treat him the same as her and her brother) while she covers his flights and accomm?

B) your kids are paying for their flights and accommodation, your daughter will pay some of his but also wants you to share part of the cost of his flights and accommodation as well as/instead of paying for meals and extras?

MummyJ36 · 14/04/2023 19:44

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 19:41

To be clear once again this wasn’t really intended as a family holiday we said to both son & daughter that these are the dates we are going Dubai you are both most welcome to come however as you are both working your ticket/accommodation would have to be paid for by yourselves as you are both working full time and earning very good money which they are both happy about anything else out there food/drinks/entertainment/water parks etc we would pay for them

Show quote history

Ah ok well I suppose that makes sense. Sounds like it’s an expensive holiday (no harm in that) and even if BF came along he wouldn’t be able to afford all the extras and that would probably fall to you. A shame that this is causing so much upset. Have you paid for partners to attend any other holidays?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 14/04/2023 19:45

you definitely shouldn’t be expected to pay for the boyfriend, if he pays himself though don’t see an issue with him joining. I do think Dubai is quite an expensive location to invite a 19 year old to when you are not paying anything towards it for them.

Callixte · 14/04/2023 19:45

YANBU to refuse to pay for the bf especially as you're not paying for your own children - she's being weirdly unreasonable to expect that you would!! I'd think that whatever reasons you have for not offering to pay for your son and daughter (not enough £, want them to be independent, etc.) would even more apply to an unrelated person you didn't invite!!

If he pays his way? Better, but it's your holiday (and your H's and son's) too. Unless he's staying in his room the whole time while she's spending time with you, his presence probably does impact everybody else at least a little bit.

Eggseggseverywhere · 14/04/2023 19:45

Op please swap 'crying at work' for 'tantrum in public' .

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 19:46

WitcheryDivine · 14/04/2023 19:43

Do you think he's putting pressure on her? or maybe being jealous "you just want to shag other men on holiday" kind of thing?

Bit confused @Safarigiraffe can you tell me which is right:

A) your kids are paying for their flights and accommodation but you'll take them out and likely pay for meals etc for all of you on the trip, your daughter wants you to pay for similar things for boyfriend (i.e. treat him the same as her and her brother) while she covers his flights and accomm?

B) your kids are paying for their flights and accommodation, your daughter will pay some of his but also wants you to share part of the cost of his flights and accommodation as well as/instead of paying for meals and extras?

Paying for their ticket/accommodation and DD said she will pay for some of his whatever she can afford & me/DH pay the rest for him as well as his meals/entertainment/extras which we said no to

OP posts:
ChuckMater · 14/04/2023 19:46

Your dd is paying for herself so why on earth would you pay for her bf who you don't even want there to come? If he wants to come then he needs to pay himself

KnittingNeedles · 14/04/2023 19:46

Safarigiraffe · 14/04/2023 18:37

Well we have said absolutely not and now she’s said she’s missing out on a holiday and that we are being very unreasonable. Plus she was crying at work & is very upset

Oh dear.

Too bad, so sad.

Unsure33 · 14/04/2023 19:47

Sounds a bit like an unhealthy relationship. Is she worried she can’t trust him if they are apart ? Her paying for him as well ? Bit desperate.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2023 19:47

@Safarigiraffe

let her be upset

you can’t please your offspring all the time

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 14/04/2023 19:49

WhatToDo2023 · 14/04/2023 18:29

Given she's paying for herself, she can invite whoever she wants. But to ask you to pay for him at all is unbelievably cheeky, wtf is she thinking? This man is taking her for a ride, getting her to pay for his holiday. I'd actually be quite worried for her.

Not really, it’s a family holiday even if she is paying for herself. She can book a separate trip with her bf if she wants.

Whichnumbers · 14/04/2023 19:50

If the boyfriend hasn't got the money to go on holiday then he can't expect to go on holiday. At 19 he can work out how to work and get the money to do stuff

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2023 19:51

Why can't he pay for himself? Not that he's invited.

Notjustabrunette · 14/04/2023 19:52

Nevermind31 · 14/04/2023 18:27

Tell DD that

  1. he is not invited
  2. you are not paying for his holiday and it sounds as if he cannot afford it
  3. as they are not married there is no room sharing in Dubai, or any sort of public touching, kissing etc

you can now cohabitate as a non married couple in Dubai.

WitcheryDivine · 14/04/2023 19:52

Wow so she really is expecting you to pay more towards this man than you did for your own kids?

Did she give a reason why you would do that?

Hope her work are kind to her, she's only a teenager I guess but this is OTT.

BCBird · 14/04/2023 19:53

Even if he was paying fir himself,he has not been invited. The dynamics will not be the same if someine outside the family is there. She can stop at home

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2023 19:53

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 14/04/2023 19:49

Not really, it’s a family holiday even if she is paying for herself. She can book a separate trip with her bf if she wants.

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@WhatToDo2023

erm
no she can’t just invite who she wants

PinkiOcelot · 14/04/2023 19:54

louderthan · 14/04/2023 19:15

That's what I'm wondering (beside the point I know!!)

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They work. What’s to wonder? My dd is 21 and earns double what I do.

LucilleIsThirsty · 14/04/2023 19:54

It all seems a bit confusing to me.
They get a half hearted invitation to “join us if you want, but you’re paying” but as soon as your DD suggests bringing her partner, suddenly it’s a “family holiday”. You don’t appear to be bothered if they join you or not to be honest, otherwise wouldn’t you have sat down as a family to plan it? And at least discuss dates that suited all of you.

However you can’t be expected to pay for her partner, and if she is that upset and leaving him behind she should stay home. Otherwise she’ll spend the whole break miserable because she’s missing him!

MysteryBelle · 14/04/2023 19:55

Very easy. He wasn’t invited and anyway he refuses to pay his way which is a requirement of dd and ds who are actually family members and we’re invited. It’s your and dh’s vacation, not theirs. Your daughter is so out of order! I agree totally with your husband! Don’t give in, she needs to learn basic ethics. And then crying and pitching a fit. You’re being good parents, op, stay strong and hopefully she’ll realize that she’s in the wrong.

Notjustabrunette · 14/04/2023 19:57

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 18:32

No 3. Make it clear you are not paying, the deal was they paid for themselves, and also make dd aware that boyfriend or she will have to pay for a separate room for him. They are not allowed to share. That's likely to mean single supplement so much higher price.

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It is not illegal to share a room as an unmarried couple in Dubai.

CountZacular · 14/04/2023 19:59

I think if you are paying for your own accommodation and flights then you can invite who you like. I’d assume OP isn’t going to be sharing a room with her son and daughter and splitting the cost and that you’ll all be in different rooms.

However that’s not really the issue. If you can’t afford/ don’t want to pay for a third party’s meals you don’t have to. That’s really it.

Honestly I don’t know why you invited your children at all. I don’t mean it horribly, it just seems like a lot of hassle for an otherwise (I assume) romantic couples trip.

samqueens · 14/04/2023 19:59

🚩🚩 for him being manipulative with her - this isn’t about Theo pays etc, it’s about the fact that he is evidently making her feel it’s not ok for her to go on holiday without him…

I would sit down with her and voice concerns around this and try to be supportive of her feelings, while pointing out that someone who would make her feel guilty for going on a holiday she can afford with her own family and thinks his needs should be prioritised may not have her best interests at heart. Obviously if she and he are able to pay for it that’s one thing, but that it concerns you that she would spend her hard earned cash on this kind of basis. Ideally he should be telling her just to have a lovely time. Suggest, if she wants to, she takes him away somewhere in the UK for a weekend or something just the two of them. (If that’s not a solution he is happy with then more 🚩🚩🚩s)

Try not to make Dubai into a battleground - there’s something much more important at stake here. Make sure you keep lines of communication open and (while you can say he can’t come on this holiday because it’s family only and because you don’t want her to pay etc) don’t tell her what to do about the relationship or it may make her cleave to the relationship more strongly…