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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

228 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:32

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

OP posts:
StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 14/04/2023 23:12

EatingWormsMichael · 14/04/2023 16:49

I voted yabu cos it sounds like they had a nice day and then you arrived and stomped around cos of the mess. I hate that kind of atmosphere, it makes kids feel guilty and on edge.

Id have let them have their final day together and would have left the mess for your dp to sort afterwards. You should have taken yourself off for a bath or something.

Indeed.

Felixss · 14/04/2023 23:14

It's half and half. He sounds lazy but if I had limited time with my DC I'd want to be having fun. Both have different expectations stop clearing up after him and his DC.

Felixss · 14/04/2023 23:19

For heaven's sake use contraception or you will be one of those moaning on MN about cleaning up after Disney dad lazy manchild, the step kids and your offspring. It doesn't get better, men like these want a single woman to take over the skivvy work from the ex. I bet he had less overnights with his DC before he got with you.

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 14/04/2023 23:22

I think it's a tactical ploy so he can use the housework as an escape from OP once kids have gone.

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 14/04/2023 23:29

Not cleaning: annoying, but just do t do it until he does.

Not walking dog: unforgivable. Is it his dog too? No childcare for DSC if it stops him providing basic care for dog.

Starseeking · 14/04/2023 23:29

I wouldn't marry this man, given he is already weaponising the fact he has DC, and you're still in the dating phase.

Run away while you still can!

Mama2six · 14/04/2023 23:34

He is lazy. Treating you like a maid and telling you you are hormonal?! Does he often turn it around on you when you’re pulling him up on his behaviour? I’d rethink the whole relationship if he does. Wtf. You say he wouldn’t do it even if you had waited until the kids had gone as well without an argument, so basically you either accept he is not willing to help and you will be a slave or wait until you reach breaking point and divorce. Good luck op

miniegg3 · 14/04/2023 23:44

Sounds like you have different standards with the house.
My husband just doesn't care about mess at all, and I can get to a certain level before it stresses me out. However it can wait if we want to do something together, I wouldn't ruin an evening over doing housework unless it was something that really couldn't wait.
On weekends if I'm working (he works monday-friday) I know I'll get home to a bombsite, but I'd rather he did things with our son and had some time with him than have him sat bored all day while his dad made the house immaculate. Either way you need to figure it out before you get married

SupplyIsLimited · 14/04/2023 23:56

I'd hit the brakes on the wedding, tbh. It wouldn't have killed him to do a little housework with the kids. They might even have been able to help, if they're old enough, especially since part of the work he was meant to have done was tidying their room.

If you're completely incompatible in standards and methods of cleaning AND he makes a habit of talking down to you, saying you're hormonal, etc., I'd think long and hard before committing myself to him for life. At a minimum, he needs to acknowledge that there's room for improvement—and that it's not all on your side!

sandyhappypeople · 15/04/2023 00:09

I think YABU for creating an atmosphere when you got back, that's not fair on the kids on their last day with their dad at all, what a downer after a lovely week, trust me when I say, that sort of atmosphere is nothing but horrible for a child, so well done for ignoring the children who have done nothing wrong. I think it's also unreasonable to even ask him to do 2/3 hours of cleaning on his last day with the kids while you went out with your friend all day, it's not like you were going to work, like he was the night before. It doesn't sound like you both agreed, it sounds like you told him what was happening and he decided it wasn't, and I don't blame him to be honest. He must think you have some sort of form for trying to interrupt his time with the kids, otherwise he wouldn't have said what he said.

That being said (I'm quite sensitive to step-parent's being unreasonable), I think YANBU for wanting him to do more around the house, you should be getting married as a 50/50 partnership (unless there's an imbalance in the workload career wise and you've both agreed a system that works). But what you're essentially saying is that you're happy with the arrangement when the kids aren't there, and you don't mind him being a lazy arse, but you're not happy with the arrangements when the kids are there, so you resent him being a lazy arse, and then you take it out on him and the kids. What you're telling him without actually telling him is that you're not happy when the kids are there.

It's a difficult one OP, you'll get a lot of people on here that think he should be burnt at the stake, but it just sounds to me like you have higher standards to him, he's taking advantage of you, and you're letting him. You may have to lower your expectations and he definitely has to raise his to try and find a middle ground that you're both happy with, if he's not prepared to do that now, then he definitely won't change after you're married, then if you have children you'll have two babies to look after! Yeesh!

If this was me I'd be inclined to start on at him more when the kids aren't there about doing his fair share and learn to let it go when the kids are there. Try and get a better balance that way maybe rather than the other way round?

PickAChew · 15/04/2023 00:20

That hormonal feeling? When you reach menopause, there is a chance that it will be permanent and you wonder where you left all the bodies because you won't understand how you put ip with any such shit from anyone.

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 15/04/2023 00:21

Imagine if it were the man storming in after seeing his mate down the pub and demanding that the woman cut short her time time with her kids and get on with the housework.

anunlikelyseahorse · 15/04/2023 00:41

Don't marry him. And do not have a child with him. Just out of interest why did his first marriage/ partnership breakdown....I can hazard a guess and I strongly suspect she got fed up with doing it all, but I bet he told you she was some sort of psycho.
Get out now OP, you will not change him, you have different standards all that will happen is you're resentment and his touchiness will cause endless bitter rows, and huge amounts of misery to you both.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 15/04/2023 00:41

If the cleaning and tidying was OK to be left while you went away Shock who even does that 😬 I'm sure it could have waited til tonight or tomorrow.

How does that poem go, dust if you must..

I'm sure no one ever laid in their deathbed wishing they spent more time cleaning rather than with their kids.

GodSaveTheClean · 15/04/2023 00:49

He’s lazy, but you’ll still marry him so why waste your time moaning about it. You know what you’re letting yourself in for at least.

kitsuneghost · 15/04/2023 01:05

To be honest if I was your partner I wouldn't do the cleaning. You will do it anyway so why bother.

OpenYourEyesPeople · 15/04/2023 01:15

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 15/04/2023 00:21

Imagine if it were the man storming in after seeing his mate down the pub and demanding that the woman cut short her time time with her kids and get on with the housework.

There's always one. 🙄

canfor · 15/04/2023 03:31

You are not compatible. You like a tidy house, he's not bothered, he will happily live in a mess and wait until you do the housework. You will get frustrated and kick off. He will undermine you by telling you up you are hormonal. That's the future and realistic marriage dynamic you will have.

Definitely experiment with going away for the weekend. I'd advise doing much more of that and try to lose your discomfort with stuff in the house not being done. If you step back and do a reasonable amount does he come forward, even if it takes him a bit longer? I reckon he won't come through for you and while you might be accepting of this now and happy to pick up the extra load you have to do contemplate how it will feel after 10 years of being treated like a doormat. Is getting married right for this relationship?

Queryer · 15/04/2023 03:43

YABU to have thrown a cleaning tantrum in front of the kids. Creating that atmosphere suggests they are equally deserving of your annoyance towards your fiancé which suggests you expected a 7 and 9 yo to clean your house that you admit was a mess before your holiday.

saltysweet · 15/04/2023 04:27

I think YABU, poor kids.

It was his last day to spend with his kids.

Plus, even if you were upset, can't you try and control your tantrums around the children?

There were 2 hours to them leaving. You could have had it out with your husband after they left, instead of sabotaging the last 2 hours of their time with their dad.

You're an adult and they're only children. Whatever your DH did, even if he was wrong, wasn't their fault. It's not their fault you can't control your emotions either.

My mother used to behave exactly like you all the time... I know it sounds v dramatic but the emotional effects of confusion, guilt, fear etc from silent treatment plus tantrums from adults can stay with you for a lifetime. Whatever legitimate grievances you may have are not the 7 and 9 year old's fault.

MrsRickAstley · 15/04/2023 04:35

Silent treatment isn't great tbh. I know know you were annoyed and didn't want to kick off while kids were there.

I wouldn't have come home and started cleaning / tidying up. I would have left it. You agreed he would do it so let him. You've made a rod for your own back.

saltysweet · 15/04/2023 04:36

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

Is that such a bad thing? He lives with you 24/7! If I remarried and had limited time to spend with my kids, I sure as hell would prioritise that. If I had to do chores, I would do it outside of that time.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

People are picking on your DP for saying that, but I feel like your immature jealousy/competitiveness above validates what he was saying?

The mess is built up from your own kids' Easter crap and your own holiday – it's got nothing to do with the stepkids anyway.

saltysweet · 15/04/2023 04:41

Ah sorry Easter stuff was stepkids'? Yes I actually think they should have some part in cleaning up, it can be made into a fun game, but at the same time I most definitely wouldn't blame anyone for choosing to do chores outside of their kids' special time.

It doesn't mean he loves you any less etc, and certainly doesn't mean you're allowed to let your tantrum and silent treatment spoil the last few hours of their nice Easter break with their dad. They may have been looking forward to it for a long time too.

Brefugee · 15/04/2023 07:54

tbf i do agree that he was prioritising time with his kids, which is fine, but he shouldn't have left mess from lunch on the table. They should have all tidied that up.

But he called you hormonal? this relationship has no future. What are you thinking?!

Inthesamesinkingboat · 15/04/2023 07:59

He’s a lazy fucker. You know he hates doing housework, the kids are just an excuse to not do it, in the evening he would’ve been too tired and it would’ve been put off to tomorrow. He’s using you as a skivvy and letting his kids use you like that too.

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