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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

228 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:32

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

OP posts:
JMKid · 15/04/2023 08:05

I don't see why he can't have spent 30mins tidying up lunch, putting bits away. Using the kids is just a lame excuse!!!

safetyfreak · 15/04/2023 08:09

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 22:13

I am going to do exactly that! Weekend away is booked. I'm not sorting anything out. Will leave the house in an average state and let him fend for himself. Let's see how this goes 🤣🤣

Should I ask him to make sure house is clean and tidy for when I return?

Show quote history

How cringe.

He is a grown ass man, you sound like his mummy.

Jagoda · 15/04/2023 08:12

I would not be marrying this man. You are rather stupid if you do.

notanotherdayofthisshit · 15/04/2023 08:24

JMKid · 15/04/2023 08:05

I don't see why he can't have spent 30mins tidying up lunch, putting bits away. Using the kids is just a lame excuse!!!

a lot of non resident fathers act like this unfortunately. "Oh I couldn't possibly wipe the table down and load the dishwasher after lunch when my precious kids are here" 🙄 it's ridiculous. Thank god my DP doesn't act like this when his kids come over. He gets them pitching in to help with small things like that as well as taking them out places and having fun with them. It's not just one big fun time when they come over because, well, that's not real life is it?

JMKid · 15/04/2023 08:34

@notanotherdayofthisshit. Totally agree. My ex has his own place but still takes DC to his parents on his contact weekend so he doesn't have to get up with them, make them breakfast, wash bedding, tidy up etc. Uses excuse he only has 1 bed place, even though he could could give up his bed and sleep on the sofa.

Urghfedup · 15/04/2023 08:38

Welcome to a lifetime of slavery.

IsAGirlMumma · 15/04/2023 08:42

Let him spend time with his kids! The mess can wait! You don't get the time back with your kids.

CheersForThatEh · 15/04/2023 08:47

This scenario yabu. Of course he prioritises time with the kids and you could have had a bath in peace and let him get on with it.

You say you're happy to pick up extra because he works hard. Dont do anything you arent prepared to keep doing. You say you're happy to do it bow but it dorsnt sound like it and when you have a baby to look after you certainly wont want to so nip that in the bud immediately and dont have a kid with him unless he pulls his weight.

The problem is that you think he sets you up as the bad guy. You say he wouldnt have done the cleaning that evening and you would have had to make him. Is that really a dynamic you want? Being his mum and being postures as the one who spoils the fun? Imagine his kids lived with you full time or you had your own kids...do you want him being lazy partner/fun dad while you do all the slog and the kids see you as the fun police? No? Then he needs to step up in general and you need to stop making silly points by doing the task because all that does is show him you will do the work and all he needs to do is put up with a strop for a few hours. If hes really good at manipulating youninto to chores he might even buy you some "I'm sorry" flowers to make the row blow over even quicker.

Greenfairydust · 15/04/2023 08:49

How much tidying do your house needs?

You spent 3 hours unpacking and cleaning, which to me is over the top to start wit, and then you expected your partner to clean up rather than spend a few more hours with his kids?

I think you might need to consider that you are a bit OCD and that it will make it really difficult for you to share home with him long term if you don't address that.

If you need to ''make a scene'' for things to get done as well you might simply not be compatible.

Frankly reading your story was just exhausting and stressful enough, I would not want to live in this home environment.

misskatamari · 15/04/2023 08:49

I would be seriously thinking about whether you want to marry this man. It's not about the kids. He's lazy and disrespectful and is perfectly happy for you to do everything. His shitty attitude when you bring this up is dsigusting, especially the "you're hormonal" bullshit. A man who comes out with that bollocks as a way to belittle and shut down a woman speaking up for herself, wouldn't be one I was marrying! You deserve a hell of a lot better than this

misskatamari · 15/04/2023 08:51

And no, of course he's not unreasonable to spend time with the kids, but he is taking the piss and using them as an excuse. Making you the bad guy, as any reasonable request is deemed unreasonable as you're trying to deprive him of time with his kids. I think the list of jobs you had was too much for the day, so on that score YAB a little U, but he should have cleaned up the mess they had made during the day, washed up etc. He's taking the piss and the fact he won't accept any criticism is a big red flag for me

Bearpawk · 15/04/2023 08:58

If he's lazy and it's an ongoing problem then discuss that with him and your needs/ expectations of a partner.

However if it's one off and I just wanted a lazy day and my partner came home and started playing the martyr and sulking then I wouldn't be impressed.

It seems you both have a communication issue.

B0g · 15/04/2023 08:59

In response to your username OP you know what’s next. A miserable marriage to a man you know sees you as a domestic appliance, who shuts you down with misogynistic drivel, you continuing to beg him to function, being made a complete mug of by a shit bloke.

CovertImage · 15/04/2023 09:03

I see that all of the dick-panderers defending the bloke are ignoring the fact that he's also left the poor bloody dog unwalked all day so he's a cruel as well as a lazy bastard

CovertImage · 15/04/2023 09:05

CovertImage · 15/04/2023 09:03

I see that all of the dick-panderers defending the bloke are ignoring the fact that he's also left the poor bloody dog unwalked all day so he's a cruel as well as a lazy bastard

I should've said "...dick-panders and men defending the bloke..."

Lcb123 · 15/04/2023 09:14

I think YABU, it was last day with kids. Just clear up together when they’re gone. Really not worth arguing over

Karma2023 · 15/04/2023 09:19

Op, why did his last relationship end? I suspect his ex, with 2 young children felt she was left to all the work.

Not walking the dog is a big deal - it highlights that he prioritises himself ahead of anyone else. If this was a one off I imagine you may not have reacted but I guess it's a pattern of behaviour?

If he always reacts to you bringing up issues with DARVO then really consider if this man is marriage material. If he can never hear you now, when you are not committed, he will get worse further down the line. It's almost a certainty.

Also his children are learning how to live..can you imagine teens hanging out on your house who never tidy up after themselves? If they are not learning now why would they change? This becomes a much bigger deal when you have an adult sized teen making mess.. are you ready for 15 years of this?

Mix56 · 15/04/2023 09:29

Sorry, this isnt going to end well.
You cant even get your POV heard, without him throwing in the red herring, of hormones i your face.
He knows full well he should take 5 mins to clear up after lunch, but he didnt give a shit because his skivvy will do it

brunettemic · 15/04/2023 09:37

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 15/04/2023 00:21

Imagine if it were the man storming in after seeing his mate down the pub and demanding that the woman cut short her time time with her kids and get on with the housework.

Couldn’t agree more. This is a classic MN one sided argument.

notanotherdayofthisshit · 15/04/2023 09:38

Of course he prioritises time with the kids and you could have had a bath in peace and let him get on with it.

My DP also enjoys quality time with the kids, he cooks with them, they help, they eat together, they then both pitch in with clearing it away and loading the dishwasher, wiping table, etc. Usually after he's taken them out somewhere or watched a film with them, etc. He has a lovely time with them and manages to pull his weight and get them on board with helping.

Is my DP he not "prioritising" his kids because he's asked them to put a few plates in the dishwasher after they've all eaten? Ffs. The standards for men are shockingly low but the standards for non resident fathers and their kids are fucking rock bottom. How depressing.

Thesharkradar · 15/04/2023 12:40

If you like him and want to be with him I would stay in the relationship but don't live together, living with a man like this is always going to be a bad move because he will will always wriggle out of doing any domestic work and you will constantly feel stressed and angry.

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 12:59

At 7 and 9 they should be helping him clean and tidy, they should have all done it together.

Why are you cooking and cleaning and running around after him and his children? Tell him to sort his own children from now on.

You will not allow him to use your labour to buy himself and his children time to 'chill'.

Selfish sexist bullshit.

Trunkyate · 15/04/2023 15:22

You will regret marrying this man.

Your stress levels and resentment will increase and increase as the years go by. And those two lovely stepchildren will learn from their father to treat you like a housemaid.

Take a big step back and think very seriously about what you want your life to look like.

Therealjudgejudy · 15/04/2023 15:44

He sounds lazy and selfish.

If you marry this man, this will be your life, as the maid. And don't challenge him or you will just be called hormonal. How bloody insulting.

Bucketheadbucketbum · 15/04/2023 16:19

EatingWormsMichael · 14/04/2023 16:49

I voted yabu cos it sounds like they had a nice day and then you arrived and stomped around cos of the mess. I hate that kind of atmosphere, it makes kids feel guilty and on edge.

Id have let them have their final day together and would have left the mess for your dp to sort afterwards. You should have taken yourself off for a bath or something.

100% this