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Original poster

*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

256 replies

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
Brieandme · 14/04/2023 12:54

It's classic abusive ex behaviour when it comes to arrangements - he's not happy that you've got any control and he's trying to make out that a court would give him full decision making powers, which wouldn't happen.

You said earlier that you haven't told your ex that you're concerned about CSA, what reason have you given him for stopping contact?

I absolutely don't condone how he's dealt with it, but it is reasonable for him to be angry if as far as he's aware, you've stopped all contact.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 13:21

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 12:50

@Snowdropseaaon Thanks for updating with information. As there is no court order in place, it is definitely not illegal for you to withhold contact. Even the Police wouldn't get involved with that as your son is safe and with you. Does dad have PR?

His reaction is either a knee jerk reaction because he can't see his son or because he is enjoying being abusive, or maybe a combination of the 2.

He does have PR

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 13:22

Brieandme · 14/04/2023 12:54

It's classic abusive ex behaviour when it comes to arrangements - he's not happy that you've got any control and he's trying to make out that a court would give him full decision making powers, which wouldn't happen.

You said earlier that you haven't told your ex that you're concerned about CSA, what reason have you given him for stopping contact?

I absolutely don't condone how he's dealt with it, but it is reasonable for him to be angry if as far as he's aware, you've stopped all contact.

I've given the medical neglect as the reason so far. I wanted to discuss with professionals first

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 13:25

@Snowdropseaaon Have you heard from any professionals yet?

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 14:36

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 13:25

@Snowdropseaaon Have you heard from any professionals yet?

I'm still waiting a call from CADs she did put me down as urgent aswell. I've spoken to my IDVA and she put me in touch with a solicitor who I'm meeting Monday

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 16:46

Well @LegallyFit you were correct. It doesn't meet the threshold. Apparently if a child is being abused according to the social worker then they will tell their parents and he's come to no harm I said we'll not all children say something and she said we'll what makes you think he is being abused I said we'll what I've told you raises concerns and it's uncomfortable. Basically my DS is still free to see his dad she says.

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 16:53

@Snowdropseaaon I have to admit that I do disagree with her comment about children will tell you if they are being abused. That is not always the case as sometimes they don't even realise it.

I would suggest keeping notes, like a diary sort of thing of any behaviours you find concerning before he goes for contact and after. I just want to say that I do know how you feel, we want to protect our kids at all costs and I have been there myself in relation to my step son.

I honestly was not meaning to come across like I didn't care as that definitely was not the case, I just didn't want anything to backfire on you. You sound like a lovely mum who is looking out for her son 💐

sealon82 · 14/04/2023 16:53

Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 16:46

Well @LegallyFit you were correct. It doesn't meet the threshold. Apparently if a child is being abused according to the social worker then they will tell their parents and he's come to no harm I said we'll not all children say something and she said we'll what makes you think he is being abused I said we'll what I've told you raises concerns and it's uncomfortable. Basically my DS is still free to see his dad she says.

That seems insane, Have you asked your ex yourself why your son woke up with no bottoms on and about the inhaler, what does he say?

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 17:31

sealon82 · 14/04/2023 16:53

That seems insane, Have you asked your ex yourself why your son woke up with no bottoms on and about the inhaler, what does he say?

Show quote history

Yes because the social worker asked if I had said anything to his dad. I said no I wanted to seek advice first. She said we'll in the first instance you should ask him. I said I know how that will go though I'll get so much abuse.
So stupidly I followed the advice. Asked why DS had said it and if he knew anything about it. To which I got a whole load of abuse, saying I'm being spiteful etc. Said he took them off as he was hot. However DS made a point to me last night that he wasn't hot.
So now because of SS I look like a spiteful cow trying to come up with stuff when in fact I was concern and tried to seek help from professionals

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 17:32

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 16:53

@Snowdropseaaon I have to admit that I do disagree with her comment about children will tell you if they are being abused. That is not always the case as sometimes they don't even realise it.

I would suggest keeping notes, like a diary sort of thing of any behaviours you find concerning before he goes for contact and after. I just want to say that I do know how you feel, we want to protect our kids at all costs and I have been there myself in relation to my step son.

I honestly was not meaning to come across like I didn't care as that definitely was not the case, I just didn't want anything to backfire on you. You sound like a lovely mum who is looking out for her son 💐

I know I disagree too. Either they don't speak because they don't know or they feel shame. I was that child who didn't speak until a few years ago. I just think how can you make that comment when you safeguard children.....

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 14/04/2023 17:40

He's admitted to removing his sons pants because he was hot !

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 17:47

@Snowdropseaaon That's what I was worried about for you because they do have a habit of turning it around back on the person who is reporting concerns.

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that as a child, I can't even comprehend the trauma you must have gone through.

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 17:48

itsmylife7 · 14/04/2023 17:40

He's admitted to removing his sons pants because he was hot !

I read it as the ex said that their son took off his shorts because he was hot.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 18:59

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 17:47

@Snowdropseaaon That's what I was worried about for you because they do have a habit of turning it around back on the person who is reporting concerns.

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that as a child, I can't even comprehend the trauma you must have gone through.

Who the ex or SS?

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 19:02

SS. If you have no evidence and just report concerns (which may be very justified), they can turn it around on the person reporting the concerns and make you feel bad for doing so.

sealon82 · 14/04/2023 19:13

This is horrendous to read and I'm really sorry you're having to deal with it, I can't imagine.
Do you mean your ex told you he thought your son was hot so he removed your sons clothing while he was asleep?
If that's the case, I'm sorry but alarm bells!
That's not normal, children might wake you up in the night saying there hot and you suggest strip down but to remove a sleeping child's clothing while there asleep and showing no signs of being uncomfortable, wtf!
Along with everything else you've said about your ex I'd say you have plenty to be concerned about, can you ask for a different social worker? And I'm not sure on the law but from what you've said there is no way on earth I'd send my son back, what happens if you refuse?
Again I'm so sorry and it sounds like a horrific situation to be in.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 19:39

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 19:02

SS. If you have no evidence and just report concerns (which may be very justified), they can turn it around on the person reporting the concerns and make you feel bad for doing so.

Well that's lovely. And then you get those cases you hear about with a child being abused in some form and then they just say lessons will be learned. It's just completely awful

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 19:43

sealon82 · 14/04/2023 19:13

This is horrendous to read and I'm really sorry you're having to deal with it, I can't imagine.
Do you mean your ex told you he thought your son was hot so he removed your sons clothing while he was asleep?
If that's the case, I'm sorry but alarm bells!
That's not normal, children might wake you up in the night saying there hot and you suggest strip down but to remove a sleeping child's clothing while there asleep and showing no signs of being uncomfortable, wtf!
Along with everything else you've said about your ex I'd say you have plenty to be concerned about, can you ask for a different social worker? And I'm not sure on the law but from what you've said there is no way on earth I'd send my son back, what happens if you refuse?
Again I'm so sorry and it sounds like a horrific situation to be in.

Ex said DS took his own clothes off because he was hot and he was half asleep when doing it. However DS story doesn't match with ex. Ds said his dad didn't know how it happened and apparently it could have been because he was jiggling. Also DS told me specifically last night that he wasn't hot.
I've been getting so much abuse from ex stating I'm vile, how dare I even bring this question to attention, he isn't going easy on me now etc.
So all in all. Professionals have been no use and if anything have made the whole situation worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 19:44

I literally don't know what to do...... what if ex actually gets 50/50 or even worse full custody. He is the most clever manipulative person I know

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 19:44

@Snowdropseaaon I completely agree with you. It happened to my DH. He reported concerns about his child only to be told he was being malicious and doing it to gain more contact. Which wasn't the case at all.

sealon82 · 14/04/2023 19:56

Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 19:44

I literally don't know what to do...... what if ex actually gets 50/50 or even worse full custody. He is the most clever manipulative person I know

You need legal advice, Have you tried Women's aid? I'm the meantime there's no need to panic, tell your ex son isn't feeling well so he'll need to miss a couple of weeks, I don't see how that could be held against you, your reacting how most parents would react. And asking for a different social worker is completely reasonable, this is your child we're talking about. Keep a diary as others have suggested. You don't sound malicious at all just concerned about your boy. I really feel for you and hopefully someone who understands the legal system can answer better. Other than women's aid the only place I know of (and have helped me so much) is the centre for women's justice. I'm not sure if they cover the whole of the uk though but there must be other charities that can help you with legal advice.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 20:05

sealon82 · 14/04/2023 19:56

You need legal advice, Have you tried Women's aid? I'm the meantime there's no need to panic, tell your ex son isn't feeling well so he'll need to miss a couple of weeks, I don't see how that could be held against you, your reacting how most parents would react. And asking for a different social worker is completely reasonable, this is your child we're talking about. Keep a diary as others have suggested. You don't sound malicious at all just concerned about your boy. I really feel for you and hopefully someone who understands the legal system can answer better. Other than women's aid the only place I know of (and have helped me so much) is the centre for women's justice. I'm not sure if they cover the whole of the uk though but there must be other charities that can help you with legal advice.

Show quote history

Thank you, I have an appointment Monday with a solicitor that my IDVA recommended. I can't speak to my IDVA until Monday now. I can call womens aid for support over the weekend. I just feel like the social worker has made it worse and now I look malicious to ex and he will clearly use these messages against me in court. I feel like I've signed my kid away to him

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 20:09

@Snowdropseaaon You definitely haven't signed your child away to him. He would only get residency if you were proven to be neglecting your child, abusing him, alienating him from dad, and other extreme circumstance. Courts don't upset the status quo for the sake of it, they have to have very good reason. One report to social services would not be a reason to change residency, nowhere near enough.

Regarding him wanting 50/50, you could use the argument that less time with you would be medically dangerous for your son as dad does not give his medications as prescribed.

I would advise to always try and show the court that you want your son to have a relationship with his dad providing it is safe to do so.

sealon82 · 14/04/2023 20:15

To be honest the social worker sounds ridiculous. There not always right and once you've spoke with a solicitor I'm sure she will put your mind at rest.
Also try and remember you are thinking worse case scenario (I'd be the same) hopefully this can be resolved in a way that suits your little boy best.
If I were you I'd try and have a really chilled fun weekend together and try and not focus on this until Monday.
Get some popcorn pick out some of his best movies and have a duvet weekend on the sofa, maybe turn your phone off.
Fingers crossed for better advice on Monday!!

MayThe4th · 15/04/2023 04:03

so, he’s accusing you of abuse, but he’s the one putting his abuse in writing. Not very bright is he?

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