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Original poster

*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

256 replies

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 08:52

@Brieandme @LegallyFit I get your views. However I feel like you are trying to discourage me from raising any concerns. I've never accused ex of doing anything, it just made me uncomfortable about what DS has said plus add on top the medical abuse towards DS too which child services have told me I'm within my right to stop contact if he doesn't give him his medication.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 14/04/2023 08:57

Report to SS.

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 08:57

@Snowdropseaaon The medication issue is dangerous and you are perfectly reasonable and a caring mum to make sure that is taken very seriously by dad. I don't understand why he won't give the medication . Has he said why? Sorry if you have already said and I have missed it.

Brieandme · 14/04/2023 09:00

@Snowdropseaaon sorry if you read it that way, I posted repeatedly that what I said was based on what you'd posted here, that you might have other information you were not sharing and had reasons to do so and that only you know your ex.

SparklyBlackKitten · 14/04/2023 09:02

You have a gut feeling for a reason. I would never send my kid back. Ever

GanjaDhin · 14/04/2023 09:26

SparklyBlackKitten · 14/04/2023 09:02

You have a gut feeling for a reason. I would never send my kid back. Ever

I agree. In my opinion it isn't just a gut feeling. op has noticed behavioural changes in ds, which is something we're all told to look out for, isn't it? She also knows ex well with regards to previous abuse against her. This is a nightmare for op and I wish her well.

GanjaDhin · 14/04/2023 09:29

Good luck for today, op. Remember that we're all behind you.

Dilemma19 · 14/04/2023 09:51

This is absolutely sickening op and yes trust your gut. You will know best about this man. Your ds recent behaviour also makes sense why he is so anxious. It's good that you have some previous record of your history with him- going to a refuge and reporting the medication. Sorry you have to deal with this now. X

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 14/04/2023 09:58

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 08:25

I completely agree and I find it extremely concerning that so many women are quick to accuse men of SA with nothing to base that accusation on.

Show quote history

Surely any hint of any type of abuse, however small, should result in contact with the abuser being stopped until the facts can be established and a definitive answer given either way.

Who will have kids backs if their primary carers don't?

Any decent person would understand, and even if no abuse had occured, would want the kid to feel comfortable and reassured that they will be looked after in their company.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 14/04/2023 10:04

I think there are a lot of things to unpack here… firstly, the inhalers- as you’ve rightly said, that’s medical neglect. He needs to be taking your sons health very very seriously.
Did you have any reason when with ex to suspect he was a paedophile? Those are very very serious concerns (and very serious accusations to make if untrue). And I say that as someone who experienced abuse from a family member as a child… but also lived through my partners ex wife falsely accusing my partner in order to try to and stop his contact with daughter. Even though it was untrue (and in her case it was different to yours, she was just being malicious, you seem to be genuinely concerned) it was an absolutely horrific experience for both SD and partner to go through. Neither partner nor his ex were allowed to questions her about it or discuss it. Partner was forced to have supervised contact in a contact centre which was really distressing for them both. You need to follow SS lead on this. I’m not saying any of those things to discourage you from reporting - your son’s safety is paramount. But you need to know this is likely to be a difficult and stressful process for your son. Make sure you get support whether it’s true or untrue. Best of luck and hoping it’s not what you think it is!

Giggorata · 14/04/2023 10:10

Now that you've added some further information about significant behavioural changes, my concern levels are raised accordingly, on the following facts:

  1. The father withholds vital maintenance medication. You have been told you are entitled to stop contact on these grounds alone and I wonder why you are not going further with this. As another poster said, this is needed to maintain breathing, and potentially life threatening.
  2. The child is complaining of stomach aches and doesn't want to go to the loo alone. He is being more clingy. These are sometimes signifiers of abuse.
  3. The father shares a bed with the child. Why is that? It is unusual, especially if the father's living circumstances allow for the child to have a room or bed of his own.
  4. The child has mentioned the removed shorts.

Fact 1 requires immediate action, in my view.

Facts 2,3,4 are noteworthy. I would enquire with the school if they are seeing any behavioural changes, or have any concerns.
There is nothing to prevent you speaking to Children's Services for advice at this point, outlining your concerns, the major one at present being the potential health issue about administering medication.

I note that you aren't saying the child is showing reluctance to go for contact.

ShowUs · 14/04/2023 10:36

It doesn’t sound anything like SA to me. You are also going to be projecting your own feelings about him already and thinking he’s going to treat your child the way he treated you, so you’re going to be extra vigilant.

But there’s no way I could let my child go with someone even if there was the smallest chance.

I would not confront your ex at all and just say DS is poorly and can we change it to next time.

I would ring SS and say exactly what you’ve said on here about what DS said and how he’s become anxious without you.

It may actually be that someone is abusing him but not his dad and so I would not leave him with anyone until it is sorted.

My DD also went through an anxious faze where she’d make herself sick before going to school or cry constantly when she was there and she couldn’t bare to be away from me.
We never got to the bottom of it and she definitely wasn’t being SA as she never went with anyone else apart from me.

ShowUs · 14/04/2023 10:38

Giggorata · 14/04/2023 10:10

Now that you've added some further information about significant behavioural changes, my concern levels are raised accordingly, on the following facts:

  1. The father withholds vital maintenance medication. You have been told you are entitled to stop contact on these grounds alone and I wonder why you are not going further with this. As another poster said, this is needed to maintain breathing, and potentially life threatening.
  2. The child is complaining of stomach aches and doesn't want to go to the loo alone. He is being more clingy. These are sometimes signifiers of abuse.
  3. The father shares a bed with the child. Why is that? It is unusual, especially if the father's living circumstances allow for the child to have a room or bed of his own.
  4. The child has mentioned the removed shorts.

Fact 1 requires immediate action, in my view.

Facts 2,3,4 are noteworthy. I would enquire with the school if they are seeing any behavioural changes, or have any concerns.
There is nothing to prevent you speaking to Children's Services for advice at this point, outlining your concerns, the major one at present being the potential health issue about administering medication.

I note that you aren't saying the child is showing reluctance to go for contact.

I completely agree.

Withholding medication is one of the worst things you can do and I would have stopped contact straight away.

For the child’s sake I would resume contact in a contact centre but I’d never have him unattended with him and the courts would back you up on this.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 10:44

Giggorata · 14/04/2023 10:10

Now that you've added some further information about significant behavioural changes, my concern levels are raised accordingly, on the following facts:

  1. The father withholds vital maintenance medication. You have been told you are entitled to stop contact on these grounds alone and I wonder why you are not going further with this. As another poster said, this is needed to maintain breathing, and potentially life threatening.
  2. The child is complaining of stomach aches and doesn't want to go to the loo alone. He is being more clingy. These are sometimes signifiers of abuse.
  3. The father shares a bed with the child. Why is that? It is unusual, especially if the father's living circumstances allow for the child to have a room or bed of his own.
  4. The child has mentioned the removed shorts.

Fact 1 requires immediate action, in my view.

Facts 2,3,4 are noteworthy. I would enquire with the school if they are seeing any behavioural changes, or have any concerns.
There is nothing to prevent you speaking to Children's Services for advice at this point, outlining your concerns, the major one at present being the potential health issue about administering medication.

I note that you aren't saying the child is showing reluctance to go for contact.

Child doesn't show reluctance to go to his dad's no.
I have raised the inhalers issue a few times. And because he said he was now giving him inhalers there wasn't much to do. Although DS has said he hadn't had them recently and I brought up with ex that he hadn't requested a brown inhaler for a very long time recently. I am taking this seriously.
I've spoken to the school about his behaviour at home. They all say they don't see anything at school. Said he's doing well academically and if he has anxiety issues I need to go to the docs as there isn't much they can do. Ime his school are pretty useless

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 10:45

I have a IDVA assigned to me and will be speaking to her in a bit too. I've tried getting legal aid but it's so hard to get now. The Solicitors aren't getting back to me with regards to legal aid. They only wanted to know when I paid for the appointment even though the DV charity who I have the IVDA through said that this solicitor have said they will help the women they have

OP posts:
sealon82 · 14/04/2023 10:51

Jesus this is horrible to read. Trust your gut 100%. Co sleeping isn't concerning, lots of parents do it, myself included but I can't think of one time either in my bed or his own that my son has woke up with his bottoms removed, how does that happen?
Also have a son with asthma, withholding asthma pumps is abuse/neglect.

WhiteBobbin · 14/04/2023 11:02

@Snowdropseaaon ignore all the bonkers posters here. Phone back the police and social services today with your concerns, that’s all you need to do. You don’t need to wait on @LegallyFit s advice and witness or hear about anything really obvious. A feeling or concern is enough to let the professionals take over and talk to your son and school etc and find out.
Thats they whole point, you are concerned, you protected him and they will investigate, why you have to wait to let them to investigate with more reason is just shocking advice.

Brieandme · 14/04/2023 11:23

@WhiteBobbin what a ridiculous statement to make. If a feeling was enough for social workers to swan in and start quizzing children there would be millions of children open to social services.

Given OPs update im not saying that's the case here, but blanket statements like that are just frankly, bollocks. It's a complete misunderstanding of social services remit, powers, matters of consent and confidentiality.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 11:47

Just opened a message that ex sent last night. He's basically said he's going for 50/50 or full custody as the environment DS is in is unstable and not ok for DS to stay in. He also said I abuse him and DS and I'm not right in the head. Also said me not letting him have DS last night is illegal and if I stop him facetiming today then thats also illegal. He said I'm doing parental alienation when in fact I've never stopped DS going to his dad's, never stopped any phone calls. I've always been the yes person to his requests etc. But because I no longer will say yes he's using this against me. He said he wants the court to take all my powers away from me from manipulating him and his sons relationship.

This man is a piece of work, he seriously is.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 14/04/2023 12:34

Just don’t respond. Keep the emails. Saying that his own kid isn’t right in the head is just delightful… what a shit.

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 12:36

@Snowdropseaaon What justifications does he have that the environment your son is in is unsuitable? He needs to back up his arguments why he feels that way and why he feels that the status quo should be changed. Then you would need to argue why things should remain as they are or why he should have less contact. From what you have said, full custody is unlikely. Judges need a very good reason to change residency.

Is there already a court order in force? If there is, it's not illegal to stop contact but it is considered a breach of the order. If he applied for enforcement, then you would need to explain to the judge why you breached the order. If you have good reason, you won't be penalised.

It's also not illegal for no FaceTime to take place but is there a reason why you won't allow this indirect contact?

The parental alienation issue is likely what he is going to use in court considering contact has been stopped. You need to prove that is not the case.

When you say he wants the court to take powers away from you, do you mean PR? That will never happen. I don't think I even know of a case where a mother has had PR removed so don't worry about that.

booboobear33 · 14/04/2023 12:36

50/50 or full custody is a threat against you. He's trying to intimidate and control you. Just don't respond. You're doing the right thing by getting professional advice and safeguarding your son.

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 12:38

@WhiteBobbin I don't understand how this is a police matter. Please can you explain?

Without evidence and without any disclosure from the child about sexual abuse, what would actually be reported to the police?

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 12:43

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 12:36

@Snowdropseaaon What justifications does he have that the environment your son is in is unsuitable? He needs to back up his arguments why he feels that way and why he feels that the status quo should be changed. Then you would need to argue why things should remain as they are or why he should have less contact. From what you have said, full custody is unlikely. Judges need a very good reason to change residency.

Is there already a court order in force? If there is, it's not illegal to stop contact but it is considered a breach of the order. If he applied for enforcement, then you would need to explain to the judge why you breached the order. If you have good reason, you won't be penalised.

It's also not illegal for no FaceTime to take place but is there a reason why you won't allow this indirect contact?

The parental alienation issue is likely what he is going to use in court considering contact has been stopped. You need to prove that is not the case.

When you say he wants the court to take powers away from you, do you mean PR? That will never happen. I don't think I even know of a case where a mother has had PR removed so don't worry about that.

There is currently no court order. I don't know what his justifications are he keeps saying the court will see what I'm like and he has stuff on me that he's kept onto and that he hasn't been able to deal with previously etc. I have no idea. I have nothing to hide so welcome outside support.
I'm pretty sure I can prove this isn't the case as I've never stopped contact and always allowed calls and send him pics of days out etc in the past.
I have no idea what he means by take my powers away.

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 12:50

@Snowdropseaaon Thanks for updating with information. As there is no court order in place, it is definitely not illegal for you to withhold contact. Even the Police wouldn't get involved with that as your son is safe and with you. Does dad have PR?

His reaction is either a knee jerk reaction because he can't see his son or because he is enjoying being abusive, or maybe a combination of the 2.

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