Aibu: the new Vanish advert makes autistic teens look like assholes

[Squirrefromthewirrell]

Just seen the new (at least to me) vanish detergent advert. It focuses on an autistic teen girl called Ash who has a favourite hoodie. All through the add the character is just displaying awful behaviour that even being autistic doesn't excuse (shouting at siblings to shut up, having a go at someone who accidentally walks into her, playing drums whilst her family are trying to spend time together)

Am I wrong to think it's just showing a very unsavoury side ? The overall message is lovely - extend the life of familiar clothes that can comfort people like ash who are autistic but the actual advert just rubbed me the wrong way

Thank you to those that replied to me. Im not sure how to tag posters. It feels so good to be heard as i spent my childhood being completely ignored because my brothers needs were so much greater. I also had everyone around me telling me my mum was a saint for having a child like him but they truly had no idea the extent of how violent he was behind closed doors. We lived the life of prisoners, due to catering to his every whim and need. Social services were heavily involved, but the support was all focused on how they could help him, and they offered things like respite which were amazing when it happened, but it was minimal and the rest of the time when he was at home was complete hell.

I now as an adult cant be around him as it sets off Ptsd like symptoms like feeling shakey and palpitations etc. I probably do actually have ptsd tbh Ive just always felt to ashamed to see anyone about it for fear the response that I will just be told that he couldnt help it and how difficult it must have been for my parents.

I do realise my case is way more extreme than that showed in the video, but I was actually really moved by the fact that people were commenting on here about the sister and actually how difficult it must be for her. It just got me very emotional for all the other children going through what I did.

I wouldn't know how to deal with a ND teenager who because of no fault of her own her disability makes her react in ways that if they were done by a NT sibling they'd be considered abusive. How do you discipline (if at all) when the person is disabled? I can imagine if Ash's sister posted a thread on Relationships she'd be advised to move out and place some boundaries with her sister. Ash's sister's childhood and life is really affected by her sister's disability.
The headphone thing in the car or when she wants to drum is a tricky point because it could be that Ash doesn't like the feeling of headphones. The whole family's lives are shaped and dictated by Ash but then the whole outside world Ash has to adapt. It's not unreasonable to want to feel safe and comfortable in your own home but the bit I'm struggling with is how do you balance this with the wellbeing of the rest of the family particularly the youngest sister? I don't think there is enough support for people with Autism let alone for people like Ash's sister? I think when one child needs more attention, even if it's for a good and justified reason it can impact the other children so they shouldn't be forgotten about and supported, as well.

I normally turn off adverts but saw that and it's just like my youngest. I thought it was lovely 🌹

pandarific

Autism varies hugely. That may work for your child( presuming you have a child with autism) it wouldn’t with others.

I’m struck by how so many people can identify with either Ash or the sister but not both.

As a parent that is one of the hardest things to try and balance. Ds needs to be cut a lot of slack because what we see as acting out is him struggling with more than he can handle.

And dd is growing up in an environment of chaos walking on eggshells. If it were dh that brought that, I would leave in a heartbeat but instead I’m constantly trying to protect both of my dc from an unnecessarily hard life .

It absolutely breaks my heart when ds is in a meltdown, and I’m in there with him, being the bridge back to calm, and I know that dd wants, more than anything, to be wrapped up in my arms safe. And I’m literally aching to hold someone - ds that can’t be touched in those moments and dd who needs to be in a separate room for her safety.

We haven’t built our family around his needs but life is a constant round of compromises and someone is always struggling. Both my dc are convinced the other gets priority or is loved and favoured more and all I can do is reassure them that they’re loved, valued and important and do my best to carve out space for both of them.

It’s really disheartening to see how many people can look at that ad and still only see bad behaviour. One poster suggested giving her a hiding and I’ve heard that a few times in real life.

My own experience is that my ds has incredible self discipline, and when he acts out, I need to work fast to figure out the problem and help him. Over the years we’ve developed strategies to slow the eruption but puberty has introduced new challenges. What looks to an outsider like wishy washy parenting is me in the trenches, thinking at a million miles an hour, defusing a bomb.

If I could fix our problems with a sharp reprimand or a smack, do you honestly think I’d be faffing around deliberately making life harder for everyone?

I understand people can relate to it but in some cases would t you mitigate impact. To give an example the drums - so would you allow it or choose headphones and silent drums

Or noise cancelling headphones in car

I know the sister had to be pissed off to create the narrative but I’m assuming it’s advertising spin and families wouod find more balance

One poster suggested giving her a hiding and I’ve heard that a few times in real life

Tbf to that poster that is not exactly what they said. It was pointed out that in a different area/school telling another pupil they were going to fail the exam may end with a punch.

@TuesdayJulyNever so so true of my experiences, it's a conplete balancing act 24/7

It’s very hard for them and the more I think about it the less sympathy I have for the sister. She shud know by now that noise/too much talking etc crowds, transitions r a lot for her sister, but she doesn’t change her behaviour and keeps on doing it (I agree the drums r out of order but sometimes u have to tolerate something for the sake of someone else - it’s called caring) like if I called u something and u asked me to stop but I kept doing it until I shouted at u, who’s the 'pain'?

I have an ASD teen the advert made me well up. I thought it was really good.

Whilst I will deal with my younger DD if she is doing something with the sole intention of winding her brother up, or just to annoy him, I will not expect her to not do anything because he might find it problematic.

The sister here already does so much, but they are individuals in their own right and they need to also do normal everyday things like talking and listening to music. She will tolerate things every single day and make allowances every single day, but sometimes she wants to just talk to her friends.

I said it before but I wonder if the response would be different if it was the same dynamic as it my house, brother (autism) and younger sister.

That's really quite sad, so you're saying if Ash doesn't want her sister to talk, then the sister must remain silent?
Where's any caring for the sister then?

@TuesdayJulyNever If you're referring to me that's not what I said at all. Use your reading skills and look again. Silly woman.

@yaaarrrp I'm so sorry you went through this, it sounds horrible. And you are absolutely correct that the scars (physical and emotional) are carried on into adulthood. My younger sister was abusive towards me. She basically ruled our household due to her extremely violent temper and often very cruel behaviour. My parents never sought a diagnosis or any help whatsoever for her, and we all lived in fear. I tried to talk to my mum about it a few years ago (I'm now 43, my sister is 41) and my DM brushed it off and said that yes Dsis behaviour was "challenging" and that if she were a child now they would seek a diagnosis for her. No acknowledgment of what is was like for me or my brother being constantly hit, spat at, having our belongings and homework destroyed, while m parents essentially did nothing about it.

It really affected my relationship with my parents. Seeing them constantly overlook the violence and cruelty alienated me from them for years, as it did with my much younger brother.

@yaaarrrp It sounds very tough, especially as there is no obvious outlet to say ‘I was abused’ as a child, because apparently one sort of abuse from a parent say is more understandable than a sibling with disabilities. But having to walk around eggshells isn’t healthy and I’m sorry you had to go through it.

For me, I feel that the whole ‘autism is a super power’ has stamped out anyone voicing difficulties, especially parents let alone siblings. If a parent tries to talk about difficulties there is a huge neurodiverse movement that will criticise and demean that parent. Which has gone on for the last few years. There is now even less help and support for families than there was before, sadly.

@yaaarrrp this is why it's so helpful to talk to other people who had the same experience of childhood like we had. It's taken me literally decades to get to the place I am now. I can take my brother out with love, drop him back to his home and the emotions carried through from childhood have gone for me.

You talk about it as much as you need to

That's really quite sad, so you're saying if Ash doesn't want her sister to talk, then the sister must remain silent? Where's any caring for the sister then?

DS hates people talking, in the car, in the house, anywhere. Sometimes I bribe him with headphones and his favourite game. But often, I just can’t talk. I spend time walking around the house finding a room if I need to speak to someone on the phone, well away from DS. I arrange most meetings (I work from home) in the morning when he is at school. In the car he just starts screaming so yes, his brother can’t talk in the car. He copes by making it all about DS and tickling him so they play non verbal games together. DS doesn’t eat at the table as he hates anyone talking.

But it’s really difficult. I take the brunt of it, but it’s not great for his brother either. And I’ve worked really hard to get the family home to be ‘less controlled’ by DS - I couldn’t even have visitors for years, and he used to control when any TV was on or off, which doors were open etc.

I'm so glad to come back here and see the discussion that's happened whilst I've been gone. I think my original point still stands. I've watched the full version. I still think ash's behaviour wasn't handled appropriately and makes her and in turn lots of young teen girls with autism look bad. That may be their reality but it left a sour taste in my mouth for the sibling and its actually so so sad that she's having to grow up in that compromise.

Parents really minimise the impact of what it's like for siblings, I get why I totally do. The guilt must be horrific that you can't provide 100% for the nt child as unsurprisingly the nd child takes up the most time. But it's still just not fair and a very sad reality.

Point stands I don't like it and a very good point was made about using this sensitive topic as a marketing technique "buy OUR washing powder for your autistic child!!"

Thank you to the siblings who have shared their stories.

I do agree op my dd does not of the rude things on the advert but she struggles badly and it may take away from that.

I think also that because some of what Ash does due to her Autism is also what some NT 'naughty', rude or anxious teens do like:

• putting your foot in it (saying to her friend you're gonna fail)
• assuming that you were bumped into on purpose (social anxiety low self esteem)
• Crying and getting over emotional (hormones)
• Shouting at her sister to shut up (siblings fights!)
• Deciding to do a noisy activity at the 'wrong' time (night time, family watching tv)

I don't think it's fair on Ash's sister to walk on egg shells all the time in her own home, witnessing huge meltdowns is very distressing, having to do things a certain way all the time for her sister but I understand that after a whole day of Ash trying to keep it together and 'survive' she needs her comforts at home to recharge. I think I might separate with my DH and each have a child if it was exactly like the advert all or most of the time so that both girls can have their needs met. But I appreciate people have said it's not always like this.

Or maybe a residential school for Ash.

That's exactly what I felt too. I get what people are saying in terms of how someone autistic might interpret an accidental jostle as a deliberate shove, how the noise affects them and the need for their favourite item of clothing etc. The things which did jar for me (but appreciate I have no experience of this so happy to have someone more knowledgeable explain) were 1) her yelling at her sister to shut up, 2) telling her friend they would fail their exam and 3) the playing drums in the living room whilst her family were trying to watch a programme. I feel 1 and 3 must be very hard for the sister (and parents) to deal with and 1 and 2 presumably you have ongoing dialogue with autistic children about why it's not kind to speak to your sibling/friend in that way?

It sounds like it's depicting a tough life marked with difficult and sometimes inappropriate interactions. Well, yeah.....that's how it is!!

That's a fair point and I guess really makes my previous comment kind of moot - it just is what it is and I guess for family and friends you all just do your best to understand that sometimes interactions won't be quite appropriate.

In that case fair play to them for raising awareness of the realities for autistic teenagers and their friends and families also for featuring a young autistic woman.

The exam fail thing I didn't even notice. As a teacher kids joke around like this all of the time. They often don't mean it.

If I heard it I would say no they won't fail now get on with your work.

This comment was an off the cuff remark. Bet the friend wasn't even bothered.