Aibu: the new Vanish advert makes autistic teens look like assholes

[Squirrefromthewirrell]

Just seen the new (at least to me) vanish detergent advert. It focuses on an autistic teen girl called Ash who has a favourite hoodie. All through the add the character is just displaying awful behaviour that even being autistic doesn't excuse (shouting at siblings to shut up, having a go at someone who accidentally walks into her, playing drums whilst her family are trying to spend time together)

Am I wrong to think it's just showing a very unsavoury side ? The overall message is lovely - extend the life of familiar clothes that can comfort people like ash who are autistic but the actual advert just rubbed me the wrong way

I haven't said it doesn't happen. I'm saying it doesn't happen automatically where there's an autistic sibling and most families will do their utmost to mitigate the impact of that situation. Where they don't, it isn't the fault of the autistic person and, as I have said, there is no support available for anyone in this situation: not for the autistic person, not for the sibling and not for the parent(s).

@IamMoiraRose and others.

I have a 15 year old autistic DD who is incredibly similar to Ash. I think that if you don't have first hand experience of living with or parenting someone who is autistic then yes it might look like 'bad or normal teen behaviour.

I often find that parents with NT DCs who don't have these kind of challenges with their DCS congratulate themselves on how well their DCs are doing and put it down to their parenting, or (eg) how much they read to their DCs when they were younger, or the boundaries they set when they were younger.

We as parents of ND DCs did exactly the same as you. Your DCs just don't happen to be Neurodiverse.

They are also the same parents who say that someone like Ash's behaviour is unacceptable. It comes from a lack of first hand experience of parenting a neurodiverse child. Being honest I'm not sure I would have fully understood this ad either if it wasn't for my DD.

The drum playing isn't her being rude. The not being able to tolerate the radio in the car is not unacceptable- she's struggling. Needing the hoody (or another item of clothing) is necessary for her to be able to function ok. Being bumped into at school is her feeling threatened, her telling her friend she was going to fail is her not being able to read when it's appropriate to speak her truth or keep it to herself. And many more things in that advert.

I really appreciated the advert.

I suppose what I was trying to say (albeit inefficiently) was that a lot of behaviour of teens / DCs can outwardly look the same Ie this ad , but the reasons why someone might act like this in their home or in certain situations can differ greatly and requires more examination than just the surface level understanding and commenting. Being the parent of a child / teen with ASD requires a different approach.

My ds is 'an arshole' if you look at it from that perspective. But aren't we ALL arseholes sometimes?

My DD watched it and saw alot of herself in it. She is an only child so we've managed to avoid those additional pressures from having a sibling. But regimental morning routines, silent car rides, amazing at maths and art, says what she thinks, if someone can't do the maths = they are going to fail the test on that topic. Even down to the drums although I bought electric ones she plays wearing her headphones. She wouldn't tell someone to shut up but would bottle it up until she gets home then shutdown, definitely wouldn't want to be touched.

We thought it was a good advert - still won't be buying vanish though.

A diagnosis can facilitate medication such as melatonin to help with sleep. In my area at least you can’t get that prescribed without an ASD diagnosis.
A diagnosis at any age (I was 40) can be hugely beneficial in accommodations at school and work.
A diagnosis is very very helpful in accessing a EHCP or equivilant which facilitates help with educational settings.
Most importantly for me it helped me to understand myself. So yes it’s worth it. Massively so.

I have autism and I hate this advert. It isn't clear, it doesn't bring awareness to those who have no experience with autistic people and I feel like our struggles are just being used to sell a product.

I am the sibling of someone with severe autism and a learning disabilty. Its taken me getting to adulthood to realise I was in an extremely abusive home all due to my brother and it has affected me profoundly into my adult life. I was beaten up, spat at, had shit smeared all over my possessions, had him screaming from 4am till well into the night all of this was a daily occurance... yet throughout my childhood I was told that I basically had to get on with it, as my brother couldn't help it. It makes me so angry that siblings are sidelined constantly in this argument. There is absolutely no support for us. To the poster saying that because its Autism it cant be considered 'abuse' I definitely feel well and truly abused, have several scars and injuries to prove it!!

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit and others

As a result of this thread, I watched the ad. I recognised so much in my young adult DD. She is not diagnosed and tbh I think any suggestion from me that she might be ND would result in backlash. She lives at home and there can be a huge amount of tension between us. No one can understand this, because with others, she masks. I’ve been in therapy for years, as it has affected by MH. I haven’t always coped. I just wonder if there are any support or advice networks for parents of adults on the spectrum? I feel I need assistance from people who don’t just make suggestions that don’t take into account the struggles. It’s complex and I want to be the best parent I can. Thank you.

@yaaarrrp

I'm so sorry for what you went through.
And further, for people basically ignoring it even now.

I think that all that can be done is to keep raising it, highlight people's hypocrisy in trying to ignore and sweep under the carpet the abuse of other children.

Completely understand though if that just feels too much. And hopeless really.

I note that there were a couple of other people on the thread who recounted their experiences of living in an abusive environment as children due to their sibling. No one engaged with their posts.

In theory one should be able to create a running post on Mumsnet titled Survivors of childhood abuse from autistic siblings.

But I bet if one did that it would immediately be filled with verbal abuse to the Op, and swiftly get deleted as ableist.

Oh, no. MNers are never 'arseholes'. It's always other people (who don't know they're being criticised and aren't around to give their side of the story) who are. The lack of self-awareness on MN is astounding.

I have two autistic teen dds, one autistic tween dd and one NT teen dd. I feel the add is true to life, though a little more violence in mine. It is hard to balance the needs of all 4, I only work part time and at times need to take time out of work. Because my NT teen needs lots of support also.

I note that there were a couple of other people on the thread who recounted their experiences of living in an abusive environment as children due to their sibling. No one engaged with their posts

It's unfair to say no one did, a few posters have acknowledged their struggles as a parent in the situation with a sibling, they've been largely ignored by the masses bar others in a similar situation.

I think this thread shows how much autism is misunderstood and how much more awareness is needed.

I often find that parents with NT DCs who don't have these kind of challenges with their DCS congratulate themselves on how well their DCs are doing and put it down to their parenting, or (eg) how much they read to their DCs when they were younger, or the boundaries they set when they were younger. We as parents of ND DCs did exactly the same as you. Your DCs just don't happen to be Neurodiverse.

This really strikes a chord with me. The singularly most helpful conversation I've had with anyone regarding my 6yo dd (then 5) was with a person from Young Minds. "You have an older child who, by the sounds of it, is thriving. He's doing well socially and academically, he is well liked and displays typical behaviours and reactions. You have a ND diverse - this is not a parenting problem." I got off the phone and cried. Until that point, all the focus had been on us as parents, what we might be doing wrong, not employing the correct behaviour management strategies. We couldn't understand it because we were raising our dd no differently to our ds. But that was precisely the problem. As soon as we understood that her behaviour was a communication of her difficulties and stopped treating her as a naughty child, we began to make more progress.

The Vanish advert is brilliant. I see so much of my own dd in Ash. And so much of ds in Ash's sibling.

And how hard it is to live with. I have 2 children with autism and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t worry about the impact on the third.

What do people expect us parents to do, wave a magic wand? There should be support for families but there isn’t.

A few points. The girl in the advert is very like my daughter. Many teens won’t wear headphones as they don’t want their autism to stand out. My Dd wouldn’t in front of somebody outside the family. Those with autism can be very blunt, there is no filter. Many of us are doing the best we can in small houses. The drums may be a lifeline and the lounge the only place to keep them. The only criticism I’d make of the mother was the marching into the bedroom, threatening and bulldozing. We’ve all done it in panic but from experience I know it just heightens everything and other strategies are needed.

Finally can we just remember most teens can be unpleasant and shout at their siblings at times. It’s not great and it’s not ok but it does happen. In reality my dc take their meltdowns out on me as I’m safe. In an ideal world the sibling would have therapy or be part of a young carers group but families struggling with autism get nothing. We can’t make the autism go away. We get no support in how to handle it.

Finally the sibling would have benefited from some positive attributes her sister would have too.

I hadn't heard of or seen this, so I just looked it up on YouTube and am sat here crying! My 15 year old daughter was only diagnosed last year, Ash is her to a tee. My eldest is NT, she's now 21
For years we struggled thinking that she was being awkward, rude etc As we had no understanding at all of ASD or ADHD, noone else in our family had it (although with things I've learnt now maybe that's a naive assumption!) I was and still am heartbroken that none of us realised until last year and we've all had to massively change the way we all think in order to help my youngest, by trying to see how she interprets the world. It's terrible that girls are so often left floundering and are so late to be diagnosed. I found the ad wonderful and so moving

yy whata. After my three parenting courses had "failed" we were assigned an early help worker. She had to meet my eldest teens school to check how he was getting on. She reported back that they think he's great and have never had any concerns. It also must have ticked the 'not a parenting problem' box a decade too late as I was given a bit more support and DLA for my youngest. My DC's need to be parented differently.

@Tr33sPl3as3 Totally agree you, help is non existent. The worry is endless isn't it- my eldest has taken some flack from my youngest over the years, some of which is normal sibling arguments, some is, as we now know, her being overwhelmed, but families are left just feeling around in the dark on this

@yaaarrrp I'm so so sorry, its terribly sad all round. Yes I agree with your parents that it isn't your brother's fault, and it must have been incredibly hard for them, but there should have been some escape and support for you in all of this. I hope you've been able to get some help in adulthood to deal with this x

I am pretty sure I’m ND and my DS is too, and I would absolutely tell my daughter off for shouting ‘shut up’ ant her sibling - it’s very much how I grew up and imo is unacceptable. I would be telling her she could apologise for her rudeness to her sibling and then either put on headphones to muffle the noise or ask them politely if they could be a bit quieter as she is struggling with the noise. So, respectfully voicing her own needs - which are fair enough - and not just snapping rudely.

Obviously it may happen in the moment, but that’s what parenting is, isn’t it? Modelling good behaviour, correcting undesirable behaviour and redirecting to a better alternative, while being respectful of everyone in the family.

Oh. Have just watched and I'm very moved. I never played drums, but much of Ash is who I was. Especially at the accidental bump being catastrophised. The sensory overload portrayal feels very real and I can feel how overwhelmed she is.I'm crying here at the realisation that I repeatedly displayed much of this behaviour, but was never offered any understanding or compassion simply because I was her in the 1990s. What if...

I'm in my late fifties now. There wasn't the internet or any support groups for siblings when I was growing up and I only knew one other young person who had a brother like mine.

Because my brother was so much older than me (ten years) he wasn't someone I could have shared a sibling relationship with really, he was just an angry person who lived in and controlled our house. When I became a teenager I was embarrassed to be around him in public but we never went out as a family or on holiday anyway because he wouldn't have coped. People used to tell me how wonderful my mum was for how she looked after him, and I would be so angry inside because they had no idea how the family functioned. All I could see was that he called the shots. Keeping him happy was the purpose of the family. If I got praise for something, it would be for doing something for him, my function was a back up carer for him.

Now as an adult with grown up children of my own I see what a difficult struggle it was for my mum looking after him. He's in a home with carers who understand him beautifully and he's happy and doesn't have that same constant fight to control his environment

My mum did her best and I can see that now. I hope all the parents of children who are in a similar family as mine today listen to the siblings. Give them time and allow them to express themselves about how they feel, and praise them for their achievements.

I havent read the full thread, but as the parent of an ND and a NT teen, what got me was how difficult it must also be for Ash's sister.

I came to say exactly that.

There is a move to go from 'awareness' to 'acceptance'. Which I think it's like learning to run before walking. Awareness of Autism (actual, accurate, widespread knowledge) is still in its infancy. As this thread demonstrates.