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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset? It's a birthday one.

297 replies

FuckParkdean · 13/04/2023 16:01

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 13/04/2023 21:09

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 16:23

And this is why it’s best to wait before introducing the kids, and holidaying and socialising as a “family”

Because now the DDs will likely suddenly never see each other again having spent a great deal of time together

Added to which Op, you’ve spent a small fortune on someone you hardly know that could have been channeled towards your DD

This.

He couldn't even be arsed to say happy birthday to you? That costs nothing. He's acting like he doesn't even like you.

Dump him.

Happy birthday by the way - you deserve much better!

misskatamari · 13/04/2023 21:10

Dump dump dump.

CobraChicken · 13/04/2023 21:16

PooCurtain · 13/04/2023 16:29

He’s given you the best gift - an insight into what life with him will be like.

Now give yourself the best gift you can. Dump the fucker and find someone who treats you right.

^ Couldn't put it any better than this!

And so sorry that your birthday is such a let down Flowers

Scepticalwotsits · 13/04/2023 21:17

Relationships are built on communication and clear boundaries.

navigating relationship firsts without these is exceptionally difficult and bound to lead to disappointment for someone at some point - whether with a lack of gift or in how a gift was received or money spent etc.

however that said in this situation I think you went probably a bit OTT but your OH didn’t even scrape a bare minimum level of effort that could be excused

GeorgeA12 · 13/04/2023 21:23

Happy birthday to you! What you did for him on his birthday was amazing. For context if I had a girlfriend and it was her birthday I would be spoiling her rotten.

Don't put up with this. If he could do this on your first birthday together it is unlikely to change. I agree with others to get rid of him and find someone to make you feel special 365 days of the year and not just your birthday.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 13/04/2023 21:23

OP, your next update had better be:
We went out for a meal and he didn't offer to pay so I asked the waiter to split the bill, I paid my bit and left the scrounging twat at the table with the rest of the bill to pay. I then went back to the resort and packed his things, left them on the doorstep and locked the door.

You went way way over the top for the birthday of someone you barely know. Hopefully you won't be as daft again. Learn from this shitty experience and don't let any man take the piss this much ever again.

Hellno45 · 13/04/2023 21:31

You have been together a year. Honestly, this is as good as it gets. This is the honeymoon period when he is trying to impress you. I would end the relationship not over a birthday but over the lack of care. He is thoughtless and selfish. You deserve to be considered and put first occasionally.

nutbrownhare15 · 13/04/2023 21:45

I feel like he has inadvertently given you a great gift ..showing you now who he is and that if you stay with him this is what your birthdays will be like for the rest of your life. I really hope that you can heed this warning now and end it as you deserve a happy birthday every year (and it sounds like every birthday would be happier without him regardless of whether or not you are with someone who actually deserves your love, time and money).

Florrieboo · 13/04/2023 21:58

You are your own worst enemy - "business as usual for a Mum" a single mum perhaps but there is another adult on this holiday with you so why would you be making breakfast and lunch as a matter of course?

Dump him, you deserve so much better.

Grimbelina · 13/04/2023 22:01

Please take some time to think about why you thought it was a good idea to make such an effort on his birthday, for a man you have known for less than a year and it appears has given you no indications of kindness and generosity etc., on top of introducing him to your daughter and playing 'happy families'.

Think about what you are modelling to your daughter and raise your standards.

JeepersCreeperrs · 13/04/2023 22:10

I’d been with my DH for 2 weeks when my birthday rolled round. I got a beautiful ring and necklace set.

dump him.

and happy birthday!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/04/2023 22:14

I am sorry, you deserve a better birthday that this. Not only has he made zero effort, he has also taken money intended to benefit you and spent it on himself. What does it mean 'once again fronting the bill for dinner'? He sounds like a total wanker.

Addymontgomeryfan · 13/04/2023 22:17

Happy birthday.

I have no advice, but know what shit birthdays feel like, I had a relationship break down on one of my birthdays, and think since that I've wanted to make every birthday a nice day.

RememberingGoodTimes · 13/04/2023 22:18

He sounds like a prick.

I'd suggest not wasting anymore of your time on him. Definitely don't have kids together. It sounds like a he's an entitled, lazy git. It won't improve.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/04/2023 22:43

He's a user and sees you as his personal cashpoint and maid
Make your next birthday a happy one by getting rid of him asap

DoubleTime · 14/04/2023 06:36

I hope your birthday got better as the day went on. If he didn't make an effort to do anything nice with you/for you in the evening then it's time for a rethink.

I wouldn't have expected him to do as much as you did for his birthday, but not even a hug/happy birthday and to ask if you would like to go for lunch/dinner to celebrate ? He didn't even have to pay for it. How did his Dad know it was your birthday - do you think he dropped hints for a handout and then kept it?

When you say 'once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner' - does he leave you to pay more than your fair share of things ?

Original poster
FuckParkdean · 14/04/2023 08:18

Oh lord, the internet on site went down after I posted this so I've only just been able to see it again. Let me read the replies and I'll respond accordingly - thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckParkdean · 14/04/2023 08:30

Ok I've had a glance through and the general consensus is that I need to bin him.

Firstly, I know the children met early, there are loads of reasons for this but I totally understand without any backstory that it's very early and without knowing any reasons I'd have also said the same. As goes for the holiday together too - I totally agree.

When I say 'banners and balloons' I meant like a 10pk of balloons that said 'birthday boy' and a £1 banner, nothing extravagant although again, I see how this isn't the norm for everyone but it's what I do for my DD so it was just a natural reaction. He also isn't 28, he's older but not a significant birthday either.

He does have good qualities, but obviously this is a red flag and not the first. Will conquer the drive home today and have a chat with him tomorrow.

I really appreciate all of the replies and totally understand all points of view on this.

OP posts:
WakeMeUpInspring · 14/04/2023 08:31

Did he pay for your birthday meal last night?

MzHz · 14/04/2023 08:33

@FuckParkdean its not the cost of what you did for him, it’s the thought.

you put thought into his birthday, he put fuck all thought into yours AND took the money given to him to take you out.

hes mean, he doesn’t care about you

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:08

Firstly, I know the children met early, there are loads of reasons for this

there is No backstory, No reason, No excuse. Whatsoever that your child and his had to meet their parents new boyfriend/girlfriend so early on. And holidaying together? Staying over? Days out? Far too much too soon. It didn’t need to happen and now your DD will suddenly have no communication with another child that she presumably spent a considerable amount of timeworn under the guise of a “new blended family”

learn from this op

Liorae · 14/04/2023 09:16

Does he live with you? If so does he make an equal contribution? I don't want you to feel like I am putting the boot in, but I fear you are being used. That sort of user seems to have a radar for vulnerable single mothers.

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 09:29

So he's older than you and yet his DAD is giving him money to treat his girlfriend......which he then spends on something else?

Ah come on OP?

Really?

Like really?🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

Is this really all you think you deserve.

Think of your child around such a loser.

You funding such a loser.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 14/04/2023 09:31

Did you just sit down and accept it?

I'd have asked him....

Can you sort the kids out while I relax for a bit? It's my birthday :)

If nothing happened then - what no happy birthday?

When his dads money didn't materialise - oh your dad said he'd given us money for a meal? Did he not send it?

If he really did nothing at the end of the day - why didn't you bother with my birthday? I made you feel special on yours...

Invadersmustdie · 14/04/2023 09:36

Let's be honest OP, you ain't finishing this. For whatever reason you think a man who spends the money his father gave him to take you out 🙄 is the best you can do. Just promise that you will teach your daughter to aim higher than what she will grow up with.

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