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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset? It's a birthday one.

297 replies

FuckParkdean · 13/04/2023 16:01

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 15/04/2023 15:56

He is a lover.

You deserve better, so does your daughter

Therealjudgejudy · 15/04/2023 15:57

Omg...that should be loser!!

Jojofjo44 · 15/04/2023 18:07

LTB. If he isn't making a fuss of you on your first birthday whilst together he never will and will gradually treat you more and more like a skivvy. Run.

Cariadm · 15/04/2023 18:20

SERIOUSLY?! I am presuming you wanted a partner and not another child? 🤔I have a huge desire to give him a slap around the legs and a MASSIVE piece of my mind and I don't even know him...not sure I would want to either tbh?! 😡PLEASE tell us you won't waste any more time on this guy, you sound like a kind and caring person and he ABSOLITELY doesn't deserve you!! You KNOW what you have to do don't you? 🙄

Cariadm · 15/04/2023 18:28

Needmorelego · 13/04/2023 16:41

I assume he said he wanted a tattoo for his birthday (that's not something you can suprise someone with) - did you actually say something specific you wanted?
Maybe he thought the holiday was part of what you wanted for your birthday.
Why didn't you say "So....Thursday is my birthday so I would like..."?
People aren't mind readers.

Are you a bloke masquerading as a 'Mum' because that sounds very much like something an insensitive ever so slightly misogynistic man would say?! Sorry but you're trying to defend the ABSOLUTELY indefensible and this excuse for a 'partner' seems unashamed to show his true colours very early on? Perhaps a subconscious 'challenge' to test her that needs to be met with kicking his ass out of the door ASAP!!! 🙄😡

PinkyFlamingo · 15/04/2023 18:37

He saw you coming!

Changedname81 · 15/04/2023 19:30

When people show you who they are, believe them.

You can do miles better, have a nice meal

Htrggm · 15/04/2023 20:29

Sorry but get rid.. if that’s your first birthday spent together and he made 0 effort - Whats in the years to come? Even if he had no money to buy gifts there are other ways you can show affection/appreciation for your partner. What a prick.

amyds2104 · 15/04/2023 21:44

What happened on your 25th birthday sounds awful! Don’t let that dictate your next 25 birthdays. This bloke is a total loser. Ditch him as soon as possible!

piesforever · 15/04/2023 21:47

We love a little birthday fuss even though we're much older! Ditch immediately.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 16/04/2023 02:59

Hang on, not even one tear together at 28 and you already merged families and spent hundreds of pounds on his birthday? Am I the only one who thinks that’s way too fast and thirsty?
He’s using you though that’s for sure

Sleepyandconfused · 16/04/2023 03:05

This is after a year?! Run! It will get worse, not better.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 16/04/2023 03:36

Jesus, not having money to take you to dinner, because he spent it himself, is even more telling than forgetting to buy you a gift. What a knob.

JMSA · 16/04/2023 04:35

You are SO much better than him. Leave him and find someone as wonderful as you are. He is mediocre at best.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 05:27

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 16/04/2023 02:59

Hang on, not even one tear together at 28 and you already merged families and spent hundreds of pounds on his birthday? Am I the only one who thinks that’s way too fast and thirsty?
He’s using you though that’s for sure

You’ve not read most of the thread have you? 😂

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2023 06:16

Can you cancel and get a refund on the tattoo? I’d end the relationship, you’re just a skivvy. His dad put more effort into your birthday than he did AND THEN HE STOLE IT. If it weren’t too late for dinner id say if you have to pay for it uninvite him, either take all the kids and NOT HIM or tell his dd her dad wants some special time with her and is taking her out and you and your dc are going out too. Please don’t pay for useless selfish wanker’s dinner.
in the future, family holidays are for when you’ve been with someone longer than a year, so you’ve already seen if they are shit about housework parenting and birthdays and know that if they are, you should dump them.

purplehair1 · 16/04/2023 08:40

Maybe he’s just not that in to you? And he was freaked out by the effort you put in for his birthday so he’s back peddling massively and underperforming for your birthday as he thinks your expectations are too high. And might be looking for a way to back out of this relationship.
Sorry you had such a sad birthday. Find someone better who adores you! You sound like a very caring thoughtful person and you will find a lovely man (if you still want one after this performance)

PEARLJAM123 · 16/04/2023 09:38

I agree that some men are rubbish at birthdays and some women have high expectations. You sometimes need to tell them exactly what you expect or will be disappointed. Yes, it takes the surprise element out of it but if that's the only problem it's really not worth ending a relationship for. However, if there are other factors....

Moanyoldmoan · 16/04/2023 10:08

My ex husband did this on my 40th. His lack of effort as a whole made me really reiterate how important it was for me he made an effort. He did nothing. Not even a family meal. I spent the day crying knowing it was the end of us. He thought I was being pathetic and dramatic but I kicked him out. It told me that everything I needed to know

TrustyRusty68 · 16/04/2023 12:04

Whilst sometimes men don’t get how nice it is to make a fuss on birthdays etc - he’s done absolutely nothing! In fact, less than nothing if he was given money to take you out for a meal & he’s spent it on something else.
Read the signs - you’re still in the first year of your relationship & he’s not even remotely putting any effort in. Imagine the conversation you’d have with a friend if her boyfriend treated her the same - then you’ll have your answer.

MB34 · 16/04/2023 19:14

I don't know of you're still reading replies OP.
But if this his first red flag, would you want to give him a second chance?

My husband and his family "don't do" birthdays. His parents are lucky if they get a card from him the day after their birthdays because he's seen the cards on the fireplace on the day of. No celebrations of anniversaries and nothing overboard for Christmas either.

Our first couple of birthdays together he didn't make much of an effort for my birthday either and for his 30th, I wanted to go big, but he wasn't bothered - just wanted the 2 of us to go for a meal and have a pint in the local pub.

I had a chat with him and told him that if that's what he wanted for his birthday then I'd respect it, but at the same time he'd have to respect that I actually want my birthday celebrated so he'd have to respect that too. He seemed to get it and every celebration since (birthday, anniversary even Valentine's - which I wasnt bothered about) he's made the effort.
Now we have children together I'm not that bothered about a "big" celebration (but still like a card and a few small pressies on the day) and he gets our boys involved in that too.

Frankenpug23 · 16/04/2023 22:33

Happy birthday 🎂

This is your first birthday together and he has not wished you happy birthday, not bought a little gift or card and spent the money given to him to take you all out for dinner on himself. Please get rid this is just the start it will get worse!

This is just mean and selfish especially after all the effort you went too.

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