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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset? It's a birthday one.

297 replies

FuckParkdean · 13/04/2023 16:01

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:37

Invadersmustdie · 14/04/2023 09:36

Let's be honest OP, you ain't finishing this. For whatever reason you think a man who spends the money his father gave him to take you out 🙄 is the best you can do. Just promise that you will teach your daughter to aim higher than what she will grow up with.

Or if she does

they’ll be another one moving in within 6 months playing happy families with her daughter

Invadersmustdie · 14/04/2023 09:43

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:37

Or if she does

they’ll be another one moving in within 6 months playing happy families with her daughter

Show quote history

@Cleoforever it just baffles me that the OP would 1. Do everything for the kids regardless whether it's her birthday or not. 2. Not say, hang on a minute, why have you spent the money your dad gave you and 3. Even consider paying for her own birthday meal knowing he'd spent it. Her desperation for a man will ooze from her and he will know he can do whatever he likes. Ah well, at least it's not my life!

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/04/2023 10:38

Invadersmustdie · 14/04/2023 09:36

Let's be honest OP, you ain't finishing this. For whatever reason you think a man who spends the money his father gave him to take you out 🙄 is the best you can do. Just promise that you will teach your daughter to aim higher than what she will grow up with.

The OP's update certainly sounds as if "a chat" is all she's going to do (and he'll make promises, etc - we've all been there...).

This one's NOT the best you can do, OP - to be perfectly frank, being on your own is better than being used like this.

My partner and I have been together for 24 years. For her recent birthday, as well as a number of gifts to open, I bought her an alpaca walk and afternoon tea. If he cannot be arsed for the first birthday you've had with him - even having seen the efforts you made for him - he's a user.

SugarSyrup · 14/04/2023 10:40

He needs more than a chat. He's set the bar for your future birthdays and it is so low. What a waste of space. I completely understand your excitement and wish to spoil him.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:20

@Invadersmustdie the depressing reality is that the OP’s daughter will grow up thinking this is what you do… get together with men who treat you life shit, who are financially shit, meanwhile you bed over backwards for them, and start introducing your children to them and holidaying with them etc etc in the blink of an eye

and so the shit show continues generation after generation

iloveburmese3 · 14/04/2023 11:21

Happy birthday!!!

Dump him x

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/04/2023 11:26

Have the best birthday present and dump his sorry ass.

HauntedPencil · 14/04/2023 12:11

The thing that would really concern me is that he's spent the money meant for your dinner. There's something very selfish and sneaky about that and it's really not a good sign.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 14/04/2023 12:26

Agree with pp’s this is a complete no brainer.

He allowed you to go to great effort for his birthday but did nothing at all to reciprocate. He hasn’t even offered money he had been given to spend on you. I can’t actually believe that you are still there. I’d have taken myself and dc off and left the loser to it, not be continuing to foot the bill for dinners.

He won’t change so do you really want to be lumbered with someone who doesn’t care enough to make even a token effort? And I don’t want to labour the point but you really should wait before introducing children. Aside from the damaging impact on the dc it makes him think that you’re desperate enough to tolerate any scraps that he’s willing to throw your way. Is that the sort of relationship you want to model to your dc?

I don’t know why you are putting up with this but please know that you deserve better and there is more out there for you. But you need to stop accepting this sort of treatment.

BodenCardiganNot · 14/04/2023 14:52

Put yourself in your daughter's shoes, and his daughter's shoes too. What are they learning about relationships when they look at the two of you?

BodenCardiganNot · 14/04/2023 14:53

When your daughter is an adult will you want her to be like you ? If she has children would you want them living like she is now?

SunnyCoco · 14/04/2023 15:04

Oh mate, he's a total loser.

Get rid of him.

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 16:55

HauntedPencil · 14/04/2023 12:11

The thing that would really concern me is that he's spent the money meant for your dinner. There's something very selfish and sneaky about that and it's really not a good sign.

Absolutely consistent with a user loser who the OP is already doing a childcare for because he is so lazy.

Losers all act from the same book.

Selfish to the core.
Shit partners.
Wasters as fathers.

Always on the look out for the next mug to pay for them, feed them, let them move in, do childcare for them.

User losers, ten a penny.

pollymere · 14/04/2023 18:25

I'm normally the person on here talking about giving the benefit of the doubt. He clearly remembered because you got a card. But the money that disappeared that was meant for your birthday dinner?! I would ask him if he has a gambling problem. Not because he has but because it will open up conversation about where the money went and why you feel cheated over your birthday. My DH is rubbish with birthdays and usually I choose my own present and book the restaurant but he'd be paying for it. He also does try at least. In your case I'd be thinking about showing him the exit but do talk to him first!

MustWeDoThis · 14/04/2023 18:27

FuckParkdean · 13/04/2023 16:01

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

Dump the son. Date the Dad.

Seriously, get rid. He isn't going to change.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 14/04/2023 18:43

FuckParkdean · 13/04/2023 16:01

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

Wait a minute… you went all out for his birthday and he can’t even do the smallest of nice things for yours? Spent the money his dad gave him to take you all out on himself?

Put it in the bin and do better 💐

Glittabug · 14/04/2023 18:45

I'm telling you from experience this will not get any better if you are a person who likes to celebrate birthdays and obviously like the same in return this relationship is not for you.

If you really want to stay in the relationship either you continue going all out for his birthday and receive nothing or you match his energy and sort your own birthday out and expect nothing from him.

My partner is like this but not as bad, I'm not really not bothered so just match his energy. Father's day will be a normal day for us 😆.

momtoboys · 14/04/2023 19:14

Happy birthday!

Tootyfilou · 14/04/2023 19:17

So sorry this happened to you op. Give yourself the best birthday present, dump this loser.

Daffodilwoman · 14/04/2023 19:20

The pilot episode:
Julia:
Are there any clubs on like Chess, or Latin?

Daffodilwoman · 14/04/2023 19:21

Sorry wrong thread!

Appleass · 14/04/2023 19:23

At least you know where you stand in his life !

Middleagedspreadisreal · 14/04/2023 19:25

Get rid. And find someone who treats you like a Queen on your birthday. He never will.

Thebigblueballoon · 14/04/2023 19:29

This pathetic man is purposefully setting the expectations for your whole relationship going forward. If you accept this, his behaviour will mirror this forever, and it will probably get worse. You will regret staying.

HermioneWeasley · 14/04/2023 19:33

There really is no helping some people.

if you have a chat with him, he’ll panic and see his maid/bank/shag disappearing and he’ll be terribly sorry and promise to do better. He might even buy you some flowers.

then he’ll slip back into this behaviour. I mean, you haven’t even been together a year and you’re prepared to be treated like this. Imagine how badly you’ll let him treat you after you’ve sunk a few years, maybe had a baby.

when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

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