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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset? It's a birthday one.

297 replies

FuckParkdean · 13/04/2023 16:01

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 13/04/2023 19:56

I wouldn't be footing the bill tonight - make him face that one. Certainly sort be taking him out for a meal again....

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/04/2023 19:58

Well at least he has shown you who he is right at the start of your relationship giving you an easy way out

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 19:58

BadgerFacedCoo · 13/04/2023 19:51

By hurting their feelings first?

Show quote history

Okay, I'm going to give your question the benefit of the doubt that it's genuine rather than hostile.

I think generally I'm a huge people pleaser, so no, I couldn't stand to see them even mildly disappointed and I would still make a fuss over them in the morning.

That said, my family sprang this on me once and I dealt alright with the mild disappointment, went out and did my things/promptly forgot about it, came home to a massive lovely party where I was thoroughly spoilt.

It's a pretty common thing to do whether one to one, or with a surprise party. You do have to know that the other party is relatively emotionally stable/will react normally at first though!

If they've been together on holiday all day, saving it for till past 4pm is weird though admittedly. Maybe I was too optimistic!

Itsnotpacific · 13/04/2023 20:00

ChaoticCrumble · 13/04/2023 16:07

He’s showing you who he is

This!
You have been together less than a year and have already introduced your DC .
Awful
He treats you like shit and spends money given for you on himself?
What the heck!
Why? Just why would you bother with a man like this?

Hibernatalie · 13/04/2023 20:02

Absolute dealbreaker. Run, don’t walk.

MeridianB · 13/04/2023 20:03

Show your DD (and his) what a strong woman looks like and dump this user.

Biilie82 · 13/04/2023 20:07

My boyfriend of a couple of years forgot my birthday, mrsssged me the week after saying when is it your birthday, told him I’d already had it! Said he would make it up to me, the next time I saw him he didn’t mention it, did nothing for it so not really ‘ making it up to me’ 🙄

lapasion · 13/04/2023 20:08

In a way he’s given you the best gift. He’s shown what a knob he is early into the relationship, ensuring you don’t waste the rest of your 20s and perhaps even your 30s with him. I hope you walk away from a lifetime of being a bangmaid, free nanny, and wallet for this man.

pinkpotatoez · 13/04/2023 20:14

You seem to be doing too much way too soon. He's won himself a whole new mum for his daughter in less than a year so now he has to do f all. Get rid

KickHimInTheCrotch · 13/04/2023 20:17

I'm someone who generally thinks that birthdays past the age of 21 should pass relatively unnoticed - card, cake, small gift is plenty. I would be horrified if someone had gone to the lengths you did - special cake, banner, balloons etc.

But clearly you have higher expectations and he would know this if he gave any sort of a shit about you. He doesn't. Having done absolutely nothing for your first birthday together I would say is a clear sign of what you will get going forward - all birthdays/ xmas/ anniversaries will quickly dwindle to him making fuck all effort. I'm willing to bet he expects you to do everything for his DD's birthday now you're together as well.

Novatherova · 13/04/2023 20:18

Happy birthday!

He sounds like a peach! You're so lucky!

Get shot, you deserve more. You're far too young to be putting up with that rubbish.

Have a lovely night xxxx

JackHackettsMac · 13/04/2023 20:19

Oh love. Never ever settle for barely ok or not that bad really. You are worth far more than that. Sorry, but you know what you have to do with this one.
🎣 🐟

My first birthday with DH (boyfriend at the time), he took me to a 5 star resort in Borneo for 3 weeks with lots of amazing trips out with our own driver and guide. Spent a bloody fortune trying to impress me. 😂

DH always makes an effort and so do I. For his birthday a couple of weeks ago, I took him and DS on a surprise trip overseas that neither of them knew about. I organised the pet and house sitting, planned most of the trips out whilst we were there etc. We all had an amazing time.

If your partner doesn’t regularly try to put your needs above his own, don’t hang around waiting for him to change. Those sort never will because they always think of themselves first and only do something nice if they think they’re getting something better in return.

You’re young enough to find someone much better.

Skyeheather · 13/04/2023 20:24

What did you get each other for Christmas?

Please tell me you didn't meet until after Christmas and this is you all on holiday together already?

Fixyourself · 13/04/2023 20:27
  1. happy birthday
  2. ltb
Manchester1990 · 13/04/2023 20:31

You’re an absolute mug if you’re still with him in 48 hours

FrostyFifi · 13/04/2023 20:33

I don't understand why you're basically skivvying for him and caring for his daughter as well as your own.

Autumntree · 13/04/2023 20:37

I'd be so hurt, this would be the last day he'd see me.

Rachaelrachael · 13/04/2023 20:38

Happy birthday!
This would be the end for me without a shadow of doubt. I'm so sorry but he doesn't care about you 🙁

WhoLetTheSprogsOut · 13/04/2023 20:40

I was hoping he'd "just" forgotten what with being away, until I read the bot that he'd given you a card but not actually said happy birthday. WTAF?! Is he normally non-verbal? I hope you didn't all go out for dinner tonight and instead went somewhere on your own (maybe taking your daughter, or both if were feeling kind and worried about his daughter being upset being left out, or not fed otherwise). My DH is pretty rubbish at birthdays, Christmas and mother's day but he at least remembers to get the children to make me a card and say happy birthday (presents and anything more can't be relied upon though, unless I've bought them or sent him a link!)

Toooldforthisshit49 · 13/04/2023 20:47

Happy birthday 🎂,sorry your boyfriend hasn't done anything special to celebrate your day but think you should move on you're worth way more X good luck

Ktime · 13/04/2023 20:51

Now OP’s got that off her chest, she’s gone to give her partner a belated Easter present. Back to business as usual in the FuckParkdean household.

Bluebells1970 · 13/04/2023 20:53

Did he contribute towards the holiday.............

MRex · 13/04/2023 21:01

You're ever so young at 28. You have time for several more partners who don't make the cut and need to be scrapped. Still no need to waste your emotional energy on this one though. Happy birthday and make the next year a fun one with your friends.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 13/04/2023 21:02

I’m just going to mainly echo everybody else and say run!

A grown man, and father, who (I can only presume) doesn’t have a job and is even enough of a sponger to steal your birthday present from his dad? Yikes.

You do come across as slightly desperate with the references to ‘family’. You’ve been with him less than a year… and judging from you not mentioning Christmas presents I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship only started in 2023.

You need to dump him and work on what you can expect from those around you! Use this as your turning point to look back on in years to come triumphantly.

Happy birthday!

Scarydinosaurs · 13/04/2023 21:09

You’re putting time and effort into this relationship that you could be investing in your daughter/self.

I’d pay for therapy sessions to work through the trauma of being left by your ex, and finish with him. Sounds like he uses you as a free ride.

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