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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset? It's a birthday one.

297 replies

FuckParkdean · 13/04/2023 16:01

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 13/04/2023 16:47

Sorry but he sees you as a bank and a babysitter. Get rid.

TotallyLosttonight · 13/04/2023 16:50

So you've been together less than a year and are on a family holiday with the children? That, plus the banners etc for a 28 year old man seem OTT to me. His efforts are the other extreme, I think you need to walk away from this.

thaisweetchill · 13/04/2023 16:50

Happy Birthday!

I think you need to evaluate the relationship as this is really disappointing. Even if he had nothing planned after all you did for his birthday you'd hope it would spring him in to action to do something nice for yours.

Keep calm for the children then maybe have it out with him when you're home?

TheMatriarchy · 13/04/2023 16:55

Dont pay for him and his kid to have dinner. The guy is a waste of space, even his own father knows it. Give yourself the gift of getting rid.

Questions97 · 13/04/2023 16:55

Please please please leave him. You are so young there will be lots of other men out there a million times better.

module · 13/04/2023 16:55

Who paid for the holiday?

HazyDragon · 13/04/2023 16:56

Oh dear. Yes it's completely shit! His Dad really gave him money to take you out? And then he didn't even spend it on you Blush That's low....Does he have a job?

You need to get your DD away from this man. You and her deserve so much better. All that time and money you've spent could have gone to your daughter. She's been through a lot already, you really don't need to introduce her to anymore boyfriends for a long time.

itsmylife7 · 13/04/2023 16:56

So you've been together just under a year ?
Why on earth are you running around after his daughter ?
He spent the money for your birthday treat, on his own needs.

You're not compatible, you want birthday treats he's not bothered.

It really won't get any better OP he's got you playing the little woman role and you're doing it... why ?

Bamboux · 13/04/2023 16:58

He is crap, but this:

Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

IS absolutely insane. It's far more than I would expect a long-term married/partnered couple to get each other for a big landmark birthday.

A whole day sitting for a tattoo must be at least £500.
Then 'kids picked him bits' another £20?
A special cake made - £80?
Bowling as a family - £50?
Dinner for the two of you - £100?
Next day shopping - another £100?
Balloons and banners - £30?

Those are quite conservative estimates, and that comes to not far off a thousand pounds. For someone you've been with for less than a year.

Tbh it would scare the fuck out of me and I would probably be looking for the way out.

Zingy123 · 13/04/2023 16:58

You've rushed into this. Why didn't you wait before meeting other DC. Going on holiday when you have been together less than a year is daft.

PollyThePixie · 13/04/2023 16:58

Op, you’ll have a better birthday next year without him.

Get rid of him and don’t look back.

DrHousecuredme · 13/04/2023 16:59

His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner

Happy Birthday, you deserve to have it celebrated.

This would be the final straw for me because he's stolen birthday money from you.

He's also expecting you to look after his dd for him (it sounds like)

And also sounds as if you pay for things and do most of the work anyway.

I'd be having a long hard think about whether this relationship is giving you what you need and whether you could do better.

CheshireCat1 · 13/04/2023 17:00

Happy Birthday. I think you deserve much better than him.

Mistressofnone · 13/04/2023 17:02

Yep, have fun with the kids and then wave bye when you get home.

I'd also FaceTime your family while he is nearby and say you haven't had your present from him yet but you're excited!

LifeExperience · 13/04/2023 17:03

The best birthday present you can give yourself is to get rid. Who needs a stingy, unappreciative partner?

MrsRickAstley · 13/04/2023 17:05

First and last birthday together.

And if whatever reason you are together next year, don't FGS make any effort. None.

AnneKipankitoo · 13/04/2023 17:06

Happy Birthday!
His Dad sounds thoughtful. He isn’t. First and last birthday.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 17:06

What on earth possessed you to spend close to a thousand pounds on someone you've only been dating for a year?

Yes, he's a dick and you should dump him, but your behaviour is puzzling too. It all seems very intense and quick.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 13/04/2023 17:08

Wow he sounds like a prince.

Several things

Make him get up with his kids
Tell him that he's paying for tea, if he says he can't do NOT pay for it yourself, tell him he can go and buy something and cook it
Put your feet up tomorrow and do nothing
Dump him when you get home

Liorae · 13/04/2023 17:08

I hope you're not living with this loser, it'll make dumping him a lot easier.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 13/04/2023 17:09

He's not made any effort for your first birthday as a couple?

Dump his ass.

Patchworksack · 13/04/2023 17:09

Needmorelego · 13/04/2023 16:41

I assume he said he wanted a tattoo for his birthday (that's not something you can suprise someone with) - did you actually say something specific you wanted?
Maybe he thought the holiday was part of what you wanted for your birthday.
Why didn't you say "So....Thursday is my birthday so I would like..."?
People aren't mind readers.

‘I want you to wish me a happy birthday, buy a least a token gift, and spend the money your Dad gave specifically for my birthday on celebrating it’.
Hope that clears it up. Jeez some people have low standards.

GabriellaMontez · 13/04/2023 17:09

This man is not your partner.

He's just someone taking what he can get. It's not normal.

Bin him. You can do better.

Happy Birthday 🎂

TheChoiceIsYours · 13/04/2023 17:11

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 16:23

And this is why it’s best to wait before introducing the kids, and holidaying and socialising as a “family”

Because now the DDs will likely suddenly never see each other again having spent a great deal of time together

Added to which Op, you’ve spent a small fortune on someone you hardly know that could have been channeled towards your DD

This. Sorry OP but you’ve rushed head first into trying to make a family with him before taking the time to find out whether he’s a good guy (he isn’t) or worthy of being in your daughters life (he isn’t). So now you need to unpick the mess and get rid of him, having already attempted to ‘blend’ your daughters.

The alternative would be to stay with him and please tell us you’re not doing that? Accepting this kind of behaviour tells him you believe you’re not worth any more and also sends a hideous message to your daughter. Do you really want to show her that it’s more important to have a boyfriend, any boyfriend, than being treated with love or kindness? Because if you stay with him that is what she will learn and take forward into her own relationships.

The whole situation is a bit of a mess but you need to end the relationship with this nasty little cretin (who steals the money from his dad that was meant for your family meal?!) and have some serious therapy to work on yourself before rushing your child headlong into anything similar.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/04/2023 17:11

So you do all the childcare for his kid whilst you're together? I can see why he's with you. Why are you with him? Sex must be mindblowing