To be so upset? It's a birthday one.

[FuckParkdean]

NC but regular poster etc.

My partner and I both have April birthdays. His at the start and mine today. It is our first birthdays within this relationship (does that even make sense?!). Anyway, for his birthday a week or so back, I spent a fair amount on him, day sitting for a tattoo, took the kids out (both have DD's from previous relationships) to pick him bits, had him a special cake made, went bowling as a family on me, took him out for dinner just the two of us and then spent the next day shopping with him. Balloons, banners etc because I wanted him to feel special and have a great weekend.

Today, nothing. We are away at a caravan resort with the DD's, I have cards from family and a present from DD (bought by her dad) and that's it. He hasn't wished me a happy birthday, I didn't get a lie in, no breakfast, nothing. I got up with the girls, did their breakfast, planned the day as we normally would on holiday (centred around the girls), came back from our first activity and made everyone lunch etc you get the point - business as usual for a mum. His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner. He hasn't said happy birthday but has put a card in front of me. But that's it. Not even a fairy cake with a candle in or a cup of tea and 20 minutes in bed whilst he gets up with the girls.

AIBU to feel so upset?? Or is 28 old and birthdays are done now? My marriage broke down on my 25th birthday and left me broken but this somehow tops that, I feel so unappreciated.

If you accept this OP your standards should be higher. It's your first birthday since getting together, of course he should be making an effort ESPECIALLY since you did lots for his and double especially since his dad sent him money that was meant to treat you.

Sidenote - an adult is being given money by their parent to treat their girlfriend? They clearly don't expect much from him either.

You're a kind and generous soul and you deserve to find the same. They are out there, but you'll never meet them if you settle for this sullen drip.

my partner didn't whisk me to Spain or anything but for my first birthday in the relationship he got me a card and present, took me out for dinner and helped me set up/host/clean up from a party - he was also lovely with my friends.

This isn't the man for you, I'm sorry.

If he’s like this for your first birthday can’t see how it can improve. I m not a big birthday person but you clearly are and have shown this to him with his birthday. The fact that he didn’t even acknowledge it properly says a lot about him. Now, if he was ill or had issues with memory etc that would be different but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

So he basically stole the money his dad gave him for the two of you to go out. On top of all the rest of it.

Get through the holiday with the kids then bin him. He’s horrible.

Can this be real?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The really important thing is IMO not the birthday as such (and I'm a bit gobsmacked that you got balloons and banners for his); but that his dad sent money for a dinner, which he has spent on 'god knows what'. Sounds not only selfish, but a bit dishonest. Does he drink/ gamble/ have some other addiction/ have secret debts/ at best, is he a total tightwad? At least at present, he doesn't sound like good partner material, especially with kids in the mix.

If you've never met such a low-effort twat bloke Grazing I envy you. Try sitting for a day in your local doctor's surgery/council office/letting agency/job centre and you'll see more of them than you could ever want.

^^ This.

My daughter went all out, similarly to you, for her boyfriend's first birthday together - during Lockdown, no less. His mother tried to take all the credit for the balloons and decorations my daughter provided, and the boyfriend apparently cried he was so grateful (to his mother, mind!). A few months later, when it was my daughter's birthday - he didn't even get her a card. The second birthday they were together, she took him to Italy for a week as "a surprise"... when hers rolled around he half-heartedly took her and his daughter from a previous relationship, to a zoo. Well, I say "he took them" - but I know my daughter organised and paid for it all. The third was this year, and she went all out to celebrate him despite being broke due to buying a house for them to live in (she bought the house, he simply moved into it with her), and she's already said that she expects him to claim he can't afford to do similarly for hers in a few months time. She does all the parenting/entertaining of his daughter (whose mother is "the crazy ex who tried to trap him by getting pregnant", allegedly ) when she's with them, does all the skivvying in the house... and pays for everything. She won't hear a bad word said against him, and I see how he's slowly isolating her - and I can't do a damned thing about it. It's a relationship of four years, he's a cocklodger, my daughter (and his, too, quite frankly) deserves better.

So do you, @FuckParkdean .

I can't (yet) convince my own daughter (who's the same age as you) to run for the hills, but I can tell you that the red flags your "boyfriend" is waving make him look like the proverbial signalman, and that you do deserve better. So do both of the little girls. You're still vulnerable from the breakdown of your marriage, I suspect, and even though he might not be the first relationship since that happened, this one's probably your rebound from it. It's never going to be the "happily ever after" that you think it is, though, my lovely. Deep down you already know that. As others have said, he's telling you what he truly thinks of you by how he's treating you on your birthday. Don't give him the chance to belittle you again.

and and a "happy birthday" from me, too - because 28's definitely not "too old"!

I understand the banner and balloons, I still do banners for DH and DS (but not helium balloons anymore - there is only a finite amount of Helium, don't waste it in balloons).
And I rarely get those on my birthday tbh. But it is very much acknowledged in other ways.

So a mis-match over banners/balloons can be forgiven. But the rest of it is not nice and doesn't bode well. I would grin and bear it for the rest of the holiday, but run for the hills once you are back.

Happy birthday lovely!
I think you went overboard with his birthday but for him to make such little effort for yours is a sackable offence. It's giving the children a message too that you're not worth the effort. You can find someone else who will treat you better and you deserve to find that person.

People can have really different expectations and norms for birthdays. I grew up with not much (any) fuss being made beyond the age of about 12 but am aware that my low-key approach can be a mismatch (and a bit rubbish and non-celebratory ).

I remember getting a boyfriend a CD -don’t think I’d even wrapped it - for his birthday and a month later it was my birthday and he put so much effort in.

His dad said he had sent him some money for us to go out for dinner as a family tonight for my birthday, he's spent that on god knows what so once again I'll be fronting the bill for dinner.

so he's stolen your birthday dinner money - thats unacceptable

give yourself the best birthday present ever - a newly single life for tomorrow

I got slated for talking about being taken away for my birthday on another thread as it is “insanely materialistic” to expect that treatment, apparently. 😂

OP, it is okay to have standards in a relationship and be upset if a new partner is not meeting them.

If I were you, I would nip this in the bud now - either by being very clear that it is not acceptable for him to make no effort on your birthday, or by leaving the relationship if you think he won’t take the latter on board and make changes.

You did way too much on his birthday. But, even so...

He spent the money his dad sent to spend on you on himself?
And did nothing for you today? Not even a Happy Birthday?

Dump him immediately. You're just convenient childcare, skivvy and a bed warmer for him clearly.

I can’t lie, you went overboard for his birthday. I think you’ve set your expectations to high if you think he needs to reciprocate your efforts/expenses. He’s clearly not that interested in birthdays but him doing nothing is unkind. Personally I wouldn’t want to date a man like yours as I like someone that marks special occasions and surprises me etc.

It's a good thing he has done this on the first year so you cam dump him immediately without too much hassle.

This is him still in 'meant to be impressing you' mode. Imagine how shit he would be after 5 years and a baby.

I normally read these threads and think oh grow up you are an adult you don't get all the bells and whistles for your birthday BUT 1st birthday in a relationship after you had set the tone with his birthday a few weeks ago, not a single thing bought, no effort made to do anything for you and stealing the birthday money sent by his Dad? Nope he is a loser and you deserve more.

you are only 24...he sadly just sees you as the new mother to his DC so you get to do the grunt work as he cant be arsed parenting his DC. Raise your bar and remove him from you and your DC life. You deserve better

i would be concerned about his financial situation and general maturity if he’s not secure enough to take you out for dinner because he already spent the money SOMEONE ELSE gave him on something else

wtaf

ps Happy birthday, you sound like a lovely mum and a lovely person who deserves more. You’re still young, don’t settle for him and DONT be a martyr

I wouldn’t be continuing in this relationship if I were you. Less than a year in and he cares so little? What will he be like in 5 or 10 years time? Personally I would say you went a little overboard (the expense of having a cake made for example), but he’s showing that he doesn’t give a damn about your happiness.

He sounds like he’s hit the jackpot though, you’ve took on the wife/mother role so he can just sit back and have his and his kids needs taken care of.

Yanbu I would be off

I think your gifts to him sound a bit over the top so I wouldn't judge him for not buying banners, balloons etc

But it's lame to make no effort at all. What did he say when you commented on it?

Kindly meant OP, but you are behaving like a mug that is a bit desperate.

He's a loser, a selfish loser.

Dump.