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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis is neglecting her own child

410 replies

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:33

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
alyceflowers · 13/04/2023 19:10

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 19:08

Diagnosed as a baby, OTC inhalers for most of childhood, routine yearly checkups

Show quote history

So what are you confused about then? Your scenario of a child with a diagnosed condition under regular medical care is 100% different to the scenario on this thread.

Olive19741205 · 13/04/2023 19:14

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 18:42

I have autism. I don't get subtle or hints or sarcasm.

I wasn't being subtle or hinting or sarcastic. I was very to the point in my reply.

cruisebaba1 · 13/04/2023 19:14

contrary13 · 13/04/2023 17:55

So did I. As an adult, even now if my anxiety levels become too high, I feel like there's a tight band about my rib cage... and vomit. Like your nephew, @aunty2 I became so used to the vomiting as a child that whilst my grandparents and oldest brother were worrying about it that I remember saying to the GP, when I couldn't have been very much older than your nephew, "it's just happens; it's no big deal!". Except it was, and it continues to affect my life some 40 odd years later. Please don't let it become your nephew's future, too. Advocate for him, and his siblings, even if it costs you a relationship with their mother. Call Children's Services; tell them your concerns about your sister's neglect of her son and point out that your nephew has parents who have been flagged up for domestic abuse already. Chances are that the main reason as to why your nephew isn't being taken to the GP is because your sister is terrified as to what he might tell them. Because they'll ask him for the circumstances surrounding the onslaught of his symptoms and "Dad hurts Mum" (or even vice versa) might well be his answer.

No one else is going to advocate for this little boy and his siblings. If your family's as like mine as I think it is, it'll get brushed under the carpet as "a family matter" and ranks will close against you if you dare to bring the appropriate services into play... but, c'mon - you already know this. But you also, I hope, know that you have no other options, really. Deep down, if you're being honest, you already know what you have to do - and why. That "why" is what's holding you back,

Please don't let it.

My oldest brother, who is 14 years my senior, turned 60 this year and his one regret in life, apparently (his wife asked him at his party) isn't that he went NC with our mother during his 30s, it was that he didn't stop her from abusing me when I was very small. He could have done, but our grandparents - who were also worried about me - kept telling him that it was a family matter, and they weren't prepared to run the risk of my parents (my two brothers lived with my maternal grandparents 300 odd miles away from where I grew up with our mothr and my oblivious-but-very-quick-tempered father) refusing to let them see me and "keep an eye on the situation". I was lucky, though. I had a family GP who advocated for me and when I turned 16, he gently tried to steer me into cutting ties with my mother, myself, because he'd always seen/known the abuse she doled out to me. I didn't ever tell anyone the extent of it, but they knew. They just preferred the easier route of not doing anything to help/protect me. My brother's now a paeds consultant and he sees horrifically high amounts of young children with similar situations/family situations to me, your nephew, OP, and some of the other posters on here. Know what he does? He flags them up, to the appropriate services, because he regrets not being able to do so for me - and because it's the right thing to do.

It is the right thing to do.

Please call someone in safeguarding who can step in and, one way or another, help your nephew and figure out what is making him so physically unwell.

Show quote history

I was in your situation as a child- your brother owned up with his regrets about not stepping up and dealing with your mum. My brother did nothing , he is 15 years older than me, he never intervened and refused to acknowledge his part in this. I am now NC with both siblings.

Exhibity · 13/04/2023 19:15

Maybe the child isn't that unwell, but a refusal to engage with medical professionals can be a red flag for other things that are being covered up. I don't know any parents that wouldn't take their child to the doctor if they had been coughing for best part of a year and vomiting for weeks .

aloris · 13/04/2023 19:21

In your original post you said this has been going on for a year. Later you said it has only been since this half-term. ???

LilQueenie · 13/04/2023 19:21

what were the symptoms that have been ongoing for a year before the sickness at halfterm?

Exhibity · 13/04/2023 19:22

I think the child has been coughing for a year and vomiting since half term.

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 19:22

alyceflowers · 13/04/2023 19:10

So what are you confused about then? Your scenario of a child with a diagnosed condition under regular medical care is 100% different to the scenario on this thread.

Show quote history

Not really "regular medical care" but ok. By yearly routine checkups I meant the one every child has to go through.

I think mysterious on-off coughs, potentially from allergies and asthma (potentially overlapping, but they are 2 different things), might be thought of in a more relaxed way where I'm from.

On this MN thread, if it is reflective of the UK, the approach seems very much "YOUR CHILD COULD DIE IN THE NEXT 5 MINS!!!!!!" (which yes, I do appreciate is a legitimate risk).

Generally asthma plus allergy (eg hay fever) medication is available OTC where I'm from. Some kids aren't even diagnosed – if allergies and/or asthma run in the family, just lots of outdoor play in fresh air to strengthen lungs and try to make chronic cough go away for a while.

I did wonder if maybe we just have a ridiculously ignorant approach... I'm a bit of a nerd so I googled statistics. The asthma mortality rate plus exacerbation rate in my country is similar to or lower than that of the UK, despite having similar initial asthma occurrence statistics.

Again, reinforcing that I think it's crazy to have got to the point of vomiting. But people seem so hung up on the 1 year thing – I would not do that personally, but I can see how some parents would've let it get to that stage, even on MN where you sometimes see posters ask about their child's chronic on-off cough.

Notsurenotquiteright · 13/04/2023 19:26

Could you offer to have him overnight, then phone 111 and get a referral to an out of hours doctor.

Dibbydoos · 13/04/2023 19:30

Hi OP,

Please call the Docs yourself and explain the situation. Say you don't know the cause and your DN seems to think being sick is now normal.

The docs will advise. Let yoyr DS then know whatever tge docs have said. You may need to take him out of school and to the docs, so be prepared to do that.

Your DS is using completely inappropriately, he's 6 yo fgs.

mindutopia · 13/04/2023 19:31

By ‘this half term’ do you mean Easter Holidays? Half term was in February. If he’s been vomiting constantly, since Feb, yes a concern and I would ring the school and SS. I would assume the school already knows.

If you mean, Easter holidays, those started last week. I would assume he has a bug like nearly everyone does right now. I’ve never taken any of mine to the GP for a vomiting bug. It will run its course but they will be off for several weeks. No need to be ringing SS.

Creditscoredrop · 13/04/2023 19:34

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 15:51

The child attends school?

what’s his absence rate like

I wouldn’t “have a go at my sister”

because someone like this a essentially abusing their child. I would speak to the school a a concerned close family member. I would be very very surprised if they too aren’t getting concerned

tomorrow

I just wanted to agree with this point.

Have a similar situation with my SIL who is very volatile and there is no reasoning with her. So I totally understand not being able to make her see what is right without losing contact with DN. We raised our concerns with the school who already had their own concerns with DNs behaviour. I’m not sure if the situation has been completely resolved but at least we feel like we have said something and we know they are on the schools radar.

I don’t know what else you can do other than report? Don’t tell your mum you’ve done it if she will cause drama too. Ultimately it’s about keeping your nephew safe.

I hope your nephew gets the help he needs and your sister too if she needs it. Try not to be too hard on yourself, it’s an incredibly stressful situation to feel all you can do is just watch the destruction and bad decisions. But, you’ve offered help and keep on doing so but it’s being rejected and there’s nothing left but to get the school and/or social services involved. Best of luck to you all. 💐

alyceflowers · 13/04/2023 19:41

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 19:22

Not really "regular medical care" but ok. By yearly routine checkups I meant the one every child has to go through.

I think mysterious on-off coughs, potentially from allergies and asthma (potentially overlapping, but they are 2 different things), might be thought of in a more relaxed way where I'm from.

On this MN thread, if it is reflective of the UK, the approach seems very much "YOUR CHILD COULD DIE IN THE NEXT 5 MINS!!!!!!" (which yes, I do appreciate is a legitimate risk).

Generally asthma plus allergy (eg hay fever) medication is available OTC where I'm from. Some kids aren't even diagnosed – if allergies and/or asthma run in the family, just lots of outdoor play in fresh air to strengthen lungs and try to make chronic cough go away for a while.

I did wonder if maybe we just have a ridiculously ignorant approach... I'm a bit of a nerd so I googled statistics. The asthma mortality rate plus exacerbation rate in my country is similar to or lower than that of the UK, despite having similar initial asthma occurrence statistics.

Again, reinforcing that I think it's crazy to have got to the point of vomiting. But people seem so hung up on the 1 year thing – I would not do that personally, but I can see how some parents would've let it get to that stage, even on MN where you sometimes see posters ask about their child's chronic on-off cough.

Show quote history

I don't believe it is normal in any country with a decent healthcare system to ignore a child coughing for weeks/months/a year without seeking any medical attention, but if you insist it is normal in your country then fine.

Morningcoffeeview · 13/04/2023 19:41

Totally disagree with making a scene and marching him to A&E. if he’s not in immediate danger, call social services or speak to his school. Be supportive of your DSIS and act totally dumbstruck when you find out about SS. You might help him this once if you make a scene but long term you won’t be able to and I think it would be better for him to have you as an insider, speaking to relevant agencies where necessary than ostracised by your sister and cut off from your nephew.

Twilight7777 · 13/04/2023 19:43

Agree with others that your mother is complicit in the abuse, as are you if nothing is done. Ring social services anonymously if you must, but for the love of god please do something!

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/04/2023 19:48

Make an anonymous safeguarding concern to school. Every child matters.

Gagaandgag · 13/04/2023 19:50

OnMyWayToSenility · 13/04/2023 15:50

I'm sure your nephew would like someone to help him and not turn a blind eye! I'd rather be cut off than see a child suffer

👏

Nocutenamesleft · 13/04/2023 20:07

For those saying she could be causing it. I would say unlikely. Fictitious disorder by proxy is about wanting to have attention on you and neglect is never a sign of it as it kinda goes against nearly all reasons for it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 13/04/2023 20:09

You sister is an awful person and your mum is a disgrace as she is enabling her daughter. Do you wan a tragedy to one of the kids before you lift a finger.
OP, dont stand and watch, you dont want this on your conscience.
Please report this asap.

G21 · 13/04/2023 20:10

Why don’t you call an ambulance? Or get a home visit. Your mother can be in the house and call them, that way she can answer questions being asked on the phone. I would act now, rather then have regrets.

SuperSue77 · 13/04/2023 20:10

Not read the full thread but could it be whooping cough? I know children are vaccinated against these days, but not everyone has the vaccine. I had it when I was a similar age to your nephew and I would throw up after I coughed. According to the NHS website it can last 2-3 months and after 3 weeks of having it no treatment is given, so it might be a case of getting better over time. Hoping he gets better soon whatever is causing it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 13/04/2023 20:12

aloris · 13/04/2023 19:21

In your original post you said this has been going on for a year. Later you said it has only been since this half-term. ???

This! Maybe OP is also minimising the sickness. Poor boy, hes got no one looking after him. Why do these women have kids? Its easy not to!!

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 20:26

@alyceflowers I mean someone up there said they'd ignore a kid vomiting for several weeks, which would be utterly crazy and considered deadly/negligent where I'm from (not shaming them btw, they are in the UK), so hey presto, cultural differences... that is, assuming MN is even reflective of real life

To clarify, I think some people, esp my vvv anxious mother, would go to a dr at least once if totally unexplained on-off cough for a relatively long period (not weeks as you said, that's too paranoid)

Equally many others would just put it off for ages (free healthcare btw so not a factor), hoping/assuming it's allergies that will eventually die down on its own. Lots of fresh air for the kid. Many will variously trial OTC inhalers (not harmful for non asthmatics even according to uk guidance) or OTC hayfever / allergy medication

Also don't know how OP is to blame, as coughs tend to fluctuate or be on-off, so every time she visits it won't be consistent, may be fed the "it's getting better" line (up until vomiting lately)

CurlyTop1980 · 13/04/2023 20:30

Take him to the walk in centre and voice your concerns. Tell his school. Tell your sister. There is nothing more important than Safeguarding children. This is when things go wrong- you're the one seeing it. You need to act on this. No SW/Gp/school will.unless YOU TELL them.

DrPrunesquallor · 13/04/2023 20:32

2bazookas · 13/04/2023 15:54

I'd just contact social services with details (and address of his school, who must be aware of this) and ask them to investigate urgently.

They won't tell Dsis it came from you and if the child has been so ill for so long, there must be many concerned adults. So she won't blame you.

This is excellent advice.
Take control of the situation as your sister won’t.