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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis is neglecting her own child

410 replies

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:33

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

OP posts:
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5
marseille · 13/04/2023 23:24

At least it would be a start though. I am asthmatic and it sounds like it to me but obviously can't tell. It's very easy to manage with a preventer and Ventolin.

JingleBellez · 13/04/2023 23:30

Hopelesscynic · 13/04/2023 23:05

I remember reading about him, poor boy. I think there was a safeguarding meeting, in which someone (a nurse?) was advising that leaving him with his mum could be fatal... even with this information, they couldn't pull out their fingers and act immediately, drug addict mum had passed out while her son was gasping for air... and so he died a day after it was supposedly decided for him to be taken away.

Show quote history

His class TA I think felt he wouldn't survive the weekend. Sadly...

Greenfairydust · 14/04/2023 00:10

What are you waiting for?

While everyone in your family is busy procrastinated and trying to cover up for his mother, this kid keeps getting sicker.

You have tried reasoning with her, it has not worked so don't waste another minute and report this to social service and the school.

Hairyfairy01 · 14/04/2023 03:01

Op, there is an anonymous NSPCC helpline you can call for adults concerned about kids. I have had to ring them before and they are very good. Could this be an option for you?

user1492757084 · 14/04/2023 04:56

Take nephew for a holiday to yours for a few days after making a Dr appointment for him. Take him to the Dr.
Tell your sister that you were concerned and you did not wish to contact SS.
Either that or contact SS.
You are all contributing tho the neglect if you do not act in some way to seek assistance for DN.

user1492757084 · 14/04/2023 05:06

With all the puking you should take the DN to for a dental check up as well as to the doctor. take him with you when you next have a check up.

geeinitpal · 14/04/2023 05:35

Just call social services, say you are a concerned neighbour if you must. As a social worker myself, trust me, it takes a lot and I mean A LOT for a child to be removed from their home so it really is unlikely that'll happen. Mum will more than likely be provided support and DN will receive medical intervention. It doesn't have to be this massive deal, but It's everyone's duty to safeguard children and vulnerable people.

Think of reporting to ss as passing the buck, as soon as that report is made, you have done your part, it is out of your hands and no longer your responsibility.

I hope it all works out, but please just report. It doesn't need to be this horrible experience, more than likely mum is struggling herself and social workers look at all that and take into consideration, they're not there to condemn.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 06:33

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 18:55

I do think it's a bit of both to be honest. I genuinely find it quite hard to believe SS will take a child away for a mother not being able to book a GP appt for 1-2 weeks.

The 1 year thing I think the mother could easily plead ignorance – many children have coughs that come and go multiple times during the year – although I personally would have taken my poor child for scans/allergy tests to double check at least once.

I do agree that as a whole this is a very irresponsible mother, but I genuinely feel like SS probably has a more stringent threshold including documentation. Or maybe I'm wrong, admittedly not familiar with the system

Show quote history

What’s your relationship like with your mother?

what’s your brothers rel Like with your / his mother?

and I’ll take a punt that you don’t have children?

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 06:33

For @whyhelloo

whyhelloo · 14/04/2023 08:17

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 06:33

What’s your relationship like with your mother?

what’s your brothers rel Like with your / his mother?

and I’ll take a punt that you don’t have children?

Show quote history

Genuine huge lol, what is there to Freudian psychoanalyse from a post about asthma? We all have a good relationship with each other, and yes I have DC.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:11

whyhelloo · 14/04/2023 08:17

Genuine huge lol, what is there to Freudian psychoanalyse from a post about asthma? We all have a good relationship with each other, and yes I have DC.

Show quote history

Because does it occur to you that you are very very very much in the minority here in this thread about your somewhat laissez faire view.

Which made me wander whether you had children

and certainly the family situation you described (a genuinely hypochondriac mother, highly anxious about health and yet for some bizarre reason… didn’t really seem to give much of a fig about her son’s Asthma). That doesn’t strike you as just a touch… odd?

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:12

I've tried to take nephew today and get Dsis to book a drs appointment and she has literally avoided the whole Dr part and told me I can take dnephew out.

Basically she is ignoring the Dr part and not giving me consent. I've spoken to gp and I can't bring a minor in without parents consent. Dmum has spoken to our brother who dsis is really close with the hopes that he can talk sense into her.

Again for the people confused

Dnephew only started throwing up with this during the Easter holiday. He throws up because he coughs so much he can't catch his breath. Of course that is to our knowledge. It may of been going on longer than possible. I just realised as well that they always leave dnephew out of events alot. I never thought much of it other than it was unfair but assumed it was down to age or money. Now I'm starting to wonder if it's got something to do with the same reason as to why they won't take him to the Drs .

Dsis won't even tell me what his drs is so no chance of calling them.

This could all be totally harmless. I do not believe my Dsis has abused or harmed or caused his cough. Dsis is not evil, just misguided. Her partner smacks but isn't abusive. Besides I always ask dnephew how things are at home and other than a shouting match dnephew never mentions abuse. He would or his older sibling would.

OP posts:
Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:13

Problem is as well as I haven't seen dnephew in a week. So technically dsis could be telling the truth that his cough has calmed down.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:14

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:13

Problem is as well as I haven't seen dnephew in a week. So technically dsis could be telling the truth that his cough has calmed down.

This is such a fucking frustrating OP

Poor children in this family

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:15

. I just realised as well that they always leave dnephew out of events alot.

you just thought it was “unfair”

Given the shit show of your sister’s parenting and her relationship with her DP?

🙄

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:15

@Cleoforever not really. Imagine if I call SS and they go around there to find he is actually better. I would then lose contact with him forever over nothing.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:16

Her partner smacks but isn't abusive.

That IS ABUSIVE!!!!

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:17

He isn't kept indoors 24/7. It sounds more extreme than it is. Dnephew goes to parties alot. School. Sees friends and family. I'm just wondering if he is kept back from alot because of his cough. But it genuinely could be money, dsis has none.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:17

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:15

@Cleoforever not really. Imagine if I call SS and they go around there to find he is actually better. I would then lose contact with him forever over nothing.

You are utterly pathetic OP

just go through your posts OP

this isn’t the only incident. There’s so much .

and on the basis of everything you have detailed, SS most definitely would be concerned

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:18

@Cleoforever subjective. I was smacked by my dad. Maybe it's a cultural thing but it's quite normalised for our generation. Not smacking like leaving a mark. Smacking like a telling off.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:18

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:17

He isn't kept indoors 24/7. It sounds more extreme than it is. Dnephew goes to parties alot. School. Sees friends and family. I'm just wondering if he is kept back from alot because of his cough. But it genuinely could be money, dsis has none.

So one boy is kept away from event

and you think it’s down to money

OP … engage brain.

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:19

@Cleoforever I do engage my brain thanks. Dsis can barely afford her rent. So I know she is struggling and can't afford to take them out all the time. She allows me to take dnephew out alot though

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:19

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:18

@Cleoforever subjective. I was smacked by my dad. Maybe it's a cultural thing but it's quite normalised for our generation. Not smacking like leaving a mark. Smacking like a telling off.

“Smacking like a telling off”

what on earth are you on about

m please tell me you don’t have children?

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:20

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:19

@Cleoforever I do engage my brain thanks. Dsis can barely afford her rent. So I know she is struggling and can't afford to take them out all the time. She allows me to take dnephew out alot though

Wait so it’s not just him being “left out events”?

because that is precisely what you said

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:20

@Cleoforever I won't tell you anything more than you need to know on this thread. Everyone I know, friends my age, were smacked as kids. It's really not that shocking and not in need of a thread derail or ss knocking on our doors thanks

OP posts: