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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think being a housewife might be nice ?

1000 replies

Felixss · 13/04/2023 14:55

I'm on leave I've managed to get the housework done the deep cleaning , decluttered, sorted my clothes and 3 tip runs. I've washed the covers on the sofa and got through a mountain of laundry. Food shop delivered, put away and ordered DDs new shoes. I'm going to sand down and paint DDs chest of drawers. To top it off I've cooked a lovely healthy meal for the family.
I feel really pleased I've managed to do all the jobs I've been meaning to do. I'm always snowed under stressed from work and end up not doing it all. I do have a cleaner but they don't do the nitty gritty really.

AIBU to think being a house wife actually might be nice ? Less pressure and you can complete all the home stuff at your leisure. 🤣 I wouldn't do this as I've worked so hard to get where I am but I can see why it might be tempting.

OP posts:
echoo · 15/04/2023 17:17

5128gap - there are very few women who purely "do housework in exchange for being kept by a man" and this was not what the OP was asking because she states she has young children, so if she left work, the reality is she would be a SAHM.

The only women I know who don't work and don't have children are overseas as expat or in the U.K. as expat and they don't have work visas. But they are not doing housework "in exchange" for anything. They have cleaners and god knows what else.

There are presumably some women who might have milder health / mental health conditions or something like stress so they give up work for a period / indefinitely. But they are not specifically leaving to do housework. Who knows what they may do.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/04/2023 17:23

Delatron · 15/04/2023 17:11

I know @echoo . I give up. So much twisting words and projecting on this thread.

And women going at other women. Just sad all round.

I don’t know why we can’t just respect each other’s choice. Nobody has any idea of anyone else’s personal circumstances.

Show quote history

Because it would mean respecting sexism.

Again, it is no coincidence that due to ''personal circumstances'' only women are making the choice to stay at home. It is incredibly rare that a man does it.

echoo · 15/04/2023 17:31

There are all sorts of complex historical / economic / social / biological / psychological reasons more women stay home with children than men. It's a bit reductive too just cry 'sexist!!!' as if that's all there is to it. It's far more nuanced than that, obviously.

doomkittycleo · 15/04/2023 17:35

Top question…

How old are your DC?

I am a SAHM and have never had time to do the amount of work you described.

I have a 5 year old and a 2 and a half year old, the 2 and a half year old isn’t at nursery yet so she is with me full time until she gets her 15 hours of nursery when she turns 3, the 5 year old is at school.

By the time I have walked my eldest to school (25 minutes each way approx), taken the toddler to a toddler group, made lunch, done the dishes and a couple of loads of laundry, it’s time to pick the eldest up from school again.

I could drive her to school, but I feel like the walk does us both a lot of good mentally and physically, so I’d prefer to continue with walking.

Then once the eldest is home, I have about 10 minutes to sit down before it’s time to start dinner, then the eldest needs help with her homework, I’ll try and hang the wet washing from earlier, do the dishes from dinner and before I know it it’s bed time.

Amongst doing all this I’m also trying to give both kids a bit of one to one time playing with me and tidy up the general every day mess as I go.

If your kids are a bit older, I can see the appeal, but my house hasn’t had a proper deep clean in forever as I just never find the time with the kids around.

The bathroom(s) get cleaned a lot less frequently than I’d like to admit, the vacuuming is usually when we have guests coming round (although we’re a no shoes indoors kind of house), and windows and skirting boards etc is very rare indeed (and usually only when DH decides to do a thorough clean).

If your kids are older, or you are some kind of super organised domestic goddess type, but otherwise I think you’d struggle to keep up that level of cleanliness and get the house in tip top shape like you’d expect.

5128gap · 15/04/2023 17:36

echoo · 15/04/2023 17:17

5128gap - there are very few women who purely "do housework in exchange for being kept by a man" and this was not what the OP was asking because she states she has young children, so if she left work, the reality is she would be a SAHM.

The only women I know who don't work and don't have children are overseas as expat or in the U.K. as expat and they don't have work visas. But they are not doing housework "in exchange" for anything. They have cleaners and god knows what else.

There are presumably some women who might have milder health / mental health conditions or something like stress so they give up work for a period / indefinitely. But they are not specifically leaving to do housework. Who knows what they may do.

I agree with you there are few. And those few are what this thread is about. OP was asking about housewifery as a lifestyle of choice, and would we choose it; which isn't remotely the same as being unable to work because you're a carer or ill. The fact that some women who don't work are ill or carers is completely irrelevant to (generic) your decision not to work if you're not, and is just trying to create false teaming.

MaroonCow · 15/04/2023 17:37

doomkittycleo · 15/04/2023 17:35

Top question…

How old are your DC?

I am a SAHM and have never had time to do the amount of work you described.

I have a 5 year old and a 2 and a half year old, the 2 and a half year old isn’t at nursery yet so she is with me full time until she gets her 15 hours of nursery when she turns 3, the 5 year old is at school.

By the time I have walked my eldest to school (25 minutes each way approx), taken the toddler to a toddler group, made lunch, done the dishes and a couple of loads of laundry, it’s time to pick the eldest up from school again.

I could drive her to school, but I feel like the walk does us both a lot of good mentally and physically, so I’d prefer to continue with walking.

Then once the eldest is home, I have about 10 minutes to sit down before it’s time to start dinner, then the eldest needs help with her homework, I’ll try and hang the wet washing from earlier, do the dishes from dinner and before I know it it’s bed time.

Amongst doing all this I’m also trying to give both kids a bit of one to one time playing with me and tidy up the general every day mess as I go.

If your kids are a bit older, I can see the appeal, but my house hasn’t had a proper deep clean in forever as I just never find the time with the kids around.

The bathroom(s) get cleaned a lot less frequently than I’d like to admit, the vacuuming is usually when we have guests coming round (although we’re a no shoes indoors kind of house), and windows and skirting boards etc is very rare indeed (and usually only when DH decides to do a thorough clean).

If your kids are older, or you are some kind of super organised domestic goddess type, but otherwise I think you’d struggle to keep up that level of cleanliness and get the house in tip top shape like you’d expect.

You're not a housewife. You're a SAHM to very young children.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/04/2023 17:40

echoo · 15/04/2023 17:31

There are all sorts of complex historical / economic / social / biological / psychological reasons more women stay home with children than men. It's a bit reductive too just cry 'sexist!!!' as if that's all there is to it. It's far more nuanced than that, obviously.

I don't think it's all that complex really because it all comes back to sexism.

historical reasons
economic reasons
social reasons

Sexism.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/04/2023 17:43

echoo · 15/04/2023 17:31

There are all sorts of complex historical / economic / social / biological / psychological reasons more women stay home with children than men. It's a bit reductive too just cry 'sexist!!!' as if that's all there is to it. It's far more nuanced than that, obviously.

You have literally described “sexism”.

Betse84 · 15/04/2023 17:47

Hbh17 · 13/04/2023 16:07

Not only would you be bored, but your conversation would revolve around what cleaning you'd been doing..... so you do the maths!

😂 You exclusively talk about you job?!

Itsnotpacific · 15/04/2023 17:51

echoo · 15/04/2023 17:31

There are all sorts of complex historical / economic / social / biological / psychological reasons more women stay home with children than men. It's a bit reductive too just cry 'sexist!!!' as if that's all there is to it. It's far more nuanced than that, obviously.

Historical-hmm generations of women WOH but it goes unrecognised/ poorly paid and WFH/ piecework/ cleaning took place in and around the home, children worked as soon as they could or cared for siblings.

Economic-men want the money, women lose out throughout their lives, even those working.

Social- men want freedom and exploit women's responsibility towards their children

Biological-women give birth, BF, get ML -I took 14 months and BF for 2 years.
The workplace is not set up for working parents it's set up for men who don't do CC.

So it's sexism, women are disadvantaged in all areas by having children and caring responsibilities throughout their lives.

5128gap · 15/04/2023 17:56

Every time this subject comes up there are posters saying they choose not to work for an easy life, because their husband's are rich, so why should they if they don't have to, that they get time to have leisurely lives of reading, hobbies and napping, that their husband would be seemingly incompetent to do his job without them sewing his buttons on and so forth.
Then every time when this is questioned or challenged, someone brings carers, or women with health problems, or those without the right to work, or those who can't afford childcare into the discussion, like it's all one homogeneous group, and if you dare question any of it, you're lacking empathy with the woman who provides care to her disabled child or who the woman who earns less than the nursery fees would be.
Its incredibly irritating and diverts from the debate at hand.

Trillie · 15/04/2023 18:04

Do what you want to do and makes you happy. The minute I saw this I knew the comments would be full of status anxious middle class women desperately affirming how their job is so intellectually demanding, how incredibly organised they are and how they couldn’t possibly do something that’s actually useful. Mumsnet, you never disappoint.

doomkittycleo · 15/04/2023 18:06

Yes, but OP mentioned that she has children, hence my question to her about the age of her children as this would impact greatly on her experience.

mbosnz · 15/04/2023 18:09

I now understand why a woman, when I met her, when I know that her husband was at the very least a multi-millionaire, got very defensive when I asked her what she did, and she snapped, 'I am a Stay at Home Parent'.

People are way too invested in other peoples' business.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/04/2023 18:09

Trillie · 15/04/2023 18:04

Do what you want to do and makes you happy. The minute I saw this I knew the comments would be full of status anxious middle class women desperately affirming how their job is so intellectually demanding, how incredibly organised they are and how they couldn’t possibly do something that’s actually useful. Mumsnet, you never disappoint.

It depends on your definition of “useful” but I think a midwife is far more useful than someone who stays at home all day in case her husband and kids want something done.

echoo · 15/04/2023 18:15

5138gap - there are millions of variations of SAHM / housewife though. All of what you describe. Just like they'd are millions of variations of women who work and everything inbetween.

Of course there is structural sexism - you are preaching to the choir there. But, despite all that, if women feel strongly they they want to be with their children and their husband is fine with it, nothing is going to change that. Nobody is going to go out of their way to complicate family life more than they need to.

BellePeppa · 15/04/2023 18:19

5128gap · 14/04/2023 14:03

Genuine question to the 'housewives' with older children who speak of reading, napping and other leisure activities during the day...
Do (or did) you feel no pressure from your working partner to 'earn' your share of their income through domestic chores? Were they happy to work and share their salary knowing you might be napping?
My DP stayed at home for a while when DC were small (I'm a woman, he's a man) and while it was nice not to have to worry about childcare, and to have my dinner cooked, I remember feeling very resentful when I got an update on that days episode of Homes under the hammer, or came back to a messy house.

For me I was a single mother but got a very good maintenance. He didn’t live anywhere near us anymore so I had full responsibility for the kids. I didn’t need to work on a financial level but I couldn’t on a practical level either while they were young. I went back to work when youngest went to seniors. I enjoyed being at home as I had worked for many years before having children. So yes I napped, I shopped, I did hobbies, etc and I didn’t have to deal with who was doing what chore. After a very unhappy relationship with their father I enjoyed every minute of being a SAHM.

CrayCray86 · 15/04/2023 18:22

Your not being unreasonable, it is nice, but it does get boring.

MaroonCow · 15/04/2023 18:22

The minute I saw this I knew the comments would be full of status anxious middle class women

What, on Mumsnet? No shit, Sherlock!

Botw1 · 15/04/2023 18:26

@Trillie

Well, 2 out of ain't bad I suppose

Botw1 · 15/04/2023 18:27

2 out of 5!

Itsnotpacific · 15/04/2023 18:33

echoo · 15/04/2023 18:15

5138gap - there are millions of variations of SAHM / housewife though. All of what you describe. Just like they'd are millions of variations of women who work and everything inbetween.

Of course there is structural sexism - you are preaching to the choir there. But, despite all that, if women feel strongly they they want to be with their children and their husband is fine with it, nothing is going to change that. Nobody is going to go out of their way to complicate family life more than they need to.

The point is though that you keep denying there's a problem, that because you are OK, rich hubby ,well sexism doesn't exist for those women who either want or need to work.
Blinkers on!

echoo · 15/04/2023 18:36

I haven't said that at all.

Itsnotpacific · 15/04/2023 18:37

echoo · 15/04/2023 17:31

There are all sorts of complex historical / economic / social / biological / psychological reasons more women stay home with children than men. It's a bit reductive too just cry 'sexist!!!' as if that's all there is to it. It's far more nuanced than that, obviously.

Here

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/04/2023 18:43

echoo · 15/04/2023 18:15

5138gap - there are millions of variations of SAHM / housewife though. All of what you describe. Just like they'd are millions of variations of women who work and everything inbetween.

Of course there is structural sexism - you are preaching to the choir there. But, despite all that, if women feel strongly they they want to be with their children and their husband is fine with it, nothing is going to change that. Nobody is going to go out of their way to complicate family life more than they need to.

Not everyone just goes with the easy option because it is less complicated.

It would be easier for me to stay at home, still wouldn't do it.

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