To think being a housewife might be nice ?

[Felixss]

I'm on leave I've managed to get the housework done the deep cleaning , decluttered, sorted my clothes and 3 tip runs. I've washed the covers on the sofa and got through a mountain of laundry. Food shop delivered, put away and ordered DDs new shoes. I'm going to sand down and paint DDs chest of drawers. To top it off I've cooked a lovely healthy meal for the family.
I feel really pleased I've managed to do all the jobs I've been meaning to do. I'm always snowed under stressed from work and end up not doing it all. I do have a cleaner but they don't do the nitty gritty really.

AIBU to think being a house wife actually might be nice ? Less pressure and you can complete all the home stuff at your leisure. 🤣 I wouldn't do this as I've worked so hard to get where I am but I can see why it might be tempting.

I haven't worked for 20 years. I was 30 when I left (that was when I had DS1). It was quite emotionally / physically challenging work I used to do and to be honest, it didn't combine well with being a mum. The money was insignificant compared to what DH was earning. I didn't leave work to prioritise housework, that had nothing to do with it. I prioritised the children and being available to them. We ended up having 4. DH and I have never discussed me returning to work. He is self-employed so does what he wants. This has shifted over the years - these days he's very flexible and part-time. He takes on work that interests him, but that's it. These days we have significant passive income from investments and properties (no mortgages). Some of the properties, I have purchased and managed renovation work on. I'm not financially vulnerable and, if I was, I wouldn't be a SAHM. My husband is not resentful - he'd be more resentful if I was out earning money we don't really need. He sees how the kids benefit and it makes his life easier, as well as mine. So that's it. Loads of people we know are similar and really it's a non-issue.

Cooking, cleaning etc is part of being an adult. It's simply what you do, even if you work.

Like I've said before, to me, teamwork is sharing everything including working, cooking and cleaning.

Neither do we.

I know you keep desperately trying to insist we operate purely on the basis of who's nipples lactate, but alas, we just do what we both prefer.

I know that doesn't suit your narrative. And you can't accept that I enjoy what you have decided is "woman's work" and not just work, irrespective of who does it. I can't explain it any simpler.

SouthLondonMum22
Those sorts of things are never said to men.

When I did shared parental leave: "i can't believe you're giving up your maternity leave. I couldn't do it. What about baby? How are they going to manage without you?" (Me: "they're almost a year old and they're with their father. He's looking forward to it)
When DH took shared parental leave: "how amazing! I can't believe you're taking the time to help with the baby. / But are work ok with it? What about your career? Can you just take several months off work?" (DH: Umm anyone can do it and it's quite common in my workplace. I'm just being a hands on father).

When I went part time: "oh how lovely. These years are so precious. You don't get them back. You'd regret it if you didn't. It will do you good to slow down."
When DH went part time: "but what about your career? You're going to lose progression? What does Lola make of this? Is she happy with you taking time off work like that?

Funny that

Yeah, absolutely.

We do share everything. Share doesn't have to be 50-50 though. I might do the bulk of the painting, because I'm better at it. He might do the bulk of the gardening, because he's better at it. He works, I work. Whether the work is paid or not, is not really of concern, both types of work are vital to our household, and neither outrank the other in importance.

@DHsPoorBack

I havent decide its women's work.

you have

I've very much decided it's not women's work.

As has my dh.

Exactly.

I shared this on a previous thread asking why gender roles are harmful but I was recently overlooked an opportunity at work which involved brief travel because I'm a woman.

I asked for feedback as to why I wasn't considered and he told me 'Oh, I didn't think you'd want to leave your baby'.

It's infuriating.

Again. I did not. Please quote it as you've gone to the effort to state this twice. Because you are literally making things up now.

Deary me.

You've literally separated roles into what you decree is "penis" work and "vagina" work. But think you haven't because you personally do both.

I’m a SAHM and lovely as it is to have this time before my daughter starts school it is relentless and you don’t get any thanks. It’s same day in and day out and (at least for me) its built up with me doing 100% cleaning, tidying, cooking, gardening a lot of the diy and with 5 people in the house plus dog it’s a lot. I will be excited when I get back to work and get a bit of identity back and I’m not just mum/cook/cleaner.

It does have to be 50-50 for me. I wouldn't be interested in any less.

Does that mean that those who cook, clean etc and work actually have 2 jobs?

They have to do it after a full days work and likely have less time. Bake sale tomorrow? No worries, I've got all day. 10yrs ago when working full time, "mum, I forgot, bake sale tomorrow" it would be "FFS, why did you only tell me now! I'll be home at 5, what ingredients have I got, I need the PE kits washing tonight as well, right so once diner's finished, I'll run out to Tesco, should be back by 8. Hopefully all done by 9.30" Yes. In both cases I baked. You can pretend not to see the difference.

You then said you sit down at 5pm

@DHsPoorBack

No

People who think only women enjoy sewing and baking etc and poor men couldn't possibly and even if they did, they wouldn't have time, make those rules.

The thread is absolutely full of women reinforcing what are women's jobs and what are men's, including you.

It's odd to deny it

You cant be a housewife by choice without reinforcing those well established gender stereotypes

You cant say you enjoy conforming entirely to gender stereotypes and also claim you dont

It's nonsene

Correct.

If I was working full time again, and DS told me Thursday morning, "bake sale tomorrow" I would have to do a full days paid work, then my share of the housework, then try and make cakes for the bake sale.

Finish work at 5. Home 5.3, eat at 6. Washing on, or whatever it may be. Go and get any ingredients I hadn't got in stock. Start baking. Wait for cakes to cool. Ice. Done by 9 ish.

So essentially, keep on working til 9. As in continue working straight from work.

Nothing like a bit of invention: "ooooh lol at starting all the housework at 10pm if you're a working mum"

But, fair play for misreading something, twice, then misquoting it too.

My point was that you seem to make such heavy weather about completely normal stuff that's easy to do if you are a bit more organised.
It really isn't as difficult as you make out .

@DHsPoorBack

That's a choice

For 1, even though school communication is generally shit, I've never had 1 days notice of a bake sale

For 2, shop bought cakes are just as good

For 3, men can bake or buy cakes

For 4, not all people who work, work mon to fri 9 to 5

Trying to justify your role by attempting to make it sound awful to not do it just falls flat because most of its unnecessary

I suppose we just see it all as work needed to be done. We need the income. We need the house to be run. As long as those things are completed it's not really of much importance who does it.

I guess you could call it two jobs, but I'd just think of it as more work, if I went back to FTE as opposed to two separate entities.

50/50 of each "task" is what obviously works in your household. It just wouldn't for us. Which doesn't make us right, or you wrong and vice versa.

The difficulty is when a housewife is apparently not allowed to enjoy what she does, if it includes anything that a woman in the 50s did. Because some can't compute that back then, a woman performed certain roles because of her limitations to do anything else, whereas today, we actively choose to do them because we like it. The only reason I must be doing those things are because I'm a woman. Whereas the reality is, I do those things because I like them, and happen to be a woman.

DH has ADHD, thrives in a fast paced environment with a lot of pressure. I'm more qualified than him. And hated every minute of my job. I may have really high earning potential, but zero fulfillment from paid work, so we put our happiness before our bank balance. I really enjoy my life. I'm not dependent. We have joint investments. Joint account. Joint savings. DH doesn't earn "his" money. He earns ours. We both chose to operate like this, together, and we both see the benefits to both of us and our DC.

Cakes can be bought
Bake sales aren't mandatory
Surely you'd get more than 1 days notice
Child has another parent so it doesn't have to be down to just one

It's a lot of fuss over nothing

@DHsPoorBack
"It's hard to see anything through the bitterness. "Fund". Whatever do you sound like. I took DNan for a tea and a cake earlier, which I paid for. How weird and trying to over project would I have to be, to say I "fund" my DNans lunch. The word is pay. DH pays for our home and the 5 of us in it."

Actually your DH paid for your DNan's tea and cake!

What does the phrase 'run a successful household' even mean?

It's not a phrase I've heard in my lifetime

I honestly can't think of things I would do all day at home that would warrant 40 hours a week of effort unless I had cleanliness OCD or an impulse to be permanently redocorating or lived in a mansion house with 40 acres

Preschoolers at home I totally get

And hated every minute of my job

Why not just say this to start with rather than the endless list of routine tasks stretched out.
Fair enough- if you hated it but couldn't afford not to work you wouldn't have the choice.
Your DH salary gives you the choice then.
Which is the crux of it

It is important to me. I want to help make society more equal, I want my son to grow up and see it as the norm which starts at home etc.

We have a joint account for mortgage, nursery fees, food and other shared expenses such as holidays but other than that we have our own accounts in our own names and it is our money and our money alone.

So now, by referring to myself, as a "wife" I am reinforcing gender stereotypes.

House-person-what-got-married?

These gender stereotypes are from 70yrs ago. The world has moved on. I can call myself what I like, my identity isn't what I do or the common name it goes by.

If you think me enjoying cooking is because of some deep entrenchment to 70yrs ago where I must serve my husband as he arrives home and demands his dinner, then I have neither the ability, nor the Crayola to make it any simpler. I do the cooking because I like cooking.

@DHsPoorBack

You think gender stereotypes were abolished 70 years ago?

And that its just a coincidence you conform to them completely? As does your oh?

Would you describe yourself as a feminist out of interest?

Yes.

You have the choice not to work and you have taken it because that's your preference. Fine. Nobody else's business. To thine own self be true.

It's all the claims of being a socio-politically motivated anti-capitalist and anti-materialist, or long drawn out lists of ordinary daily tasks that ostensibly can't reasonably be done otherwise and so on that are annoying.