to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

This

Babies toddlers pre schoolers are tiring and hard work

And they are likely to be 50/60+

Obv have the young parents and granny by 35

Why should the gp have to stop their life to look after their gc

Neither set of grandparents lived close to us when we were children. My dad had a career that involved moving up the ladder by taking jobs around the country and when we finally settled, we were around 2 hours drive from both. So GP childcare was never on offer. My mother did work part time in a professional role and either arranged hours around our school hours or employed someone to look after us at home. Most of my mainly middle class friend's mothers did not work professional jobs but did unskilled part time work if anything, so I was proud of my mum, but now see that she didn't pursue the career she could have had as the thinking then was that you should be home (most of the time) for your children.

We had a very close relationship with our maternal GPs though - lots of visits and holidays spent with them. Paternal - much less so as my father was low contact / partly estranged from them.

You don't have to provide regular childcare to be a good grandparent. And anyone that does should be offering it freely because they want to and it suits them. I dont have sons so will never have a dil, but I know I would heartily resent being told how to care for a child by one.

The offer was half a day a week thought not half a week

No, I disagree. My DF (a widower) made it clear from the outset that he would not do childcare for our DC's. It was no bother to us as DW was a SAHP and he was a devoted grandfather whom both our DCs adored.

Oh I know! And then saying how we're going backwards!! My dad has my son one day a week and my sister in laws dad has hers! I'm baffled by the comments on this thread

I haven't read the whole thread & we had no family nearby when my DD was little.

One if my team relies upon his mum and MiL for childcare, one on Mondays and the other on Fridays. It's a nightmare. They each want days off for hobbies, holidays and looking after other grandchildren. They tell my colleague and his wife at short notice.

I would have loved it if my DD could have spent more time with her grandparents whilst they were young. However, we never had to ruin our relationship with them by setting rules and conditions (there's another thread about a granny providing childcare who is terrified that her son will use her grandchild as a bargaining chip if she breaks their rules). Let them have fun together & value the time they have together.

Generalisations warning but I feel like there are big differences in the parenting we received and the parenting we are trying to establish with our own children. Grandparents fall squarely in the middle of that tension and I’m not surprised some of them find it difficult. I found it difficult watching my mum being as emotionally negligent and materially indulgent with my daughter as I have come to understand she was with me.

Yabu. Your child, your choice, your responsibility.
It drives me insane when people bank on freeloading.

I realise that Iì may be in the minority here, but I would feel disappointed if my parents or inlaws didn't offer to help with childcare. However, I'd respect their decision to not want to help out, no matter how disappointed I felt. That's their choice. As previous posters have said, their child rearing days are over and should be able to spend their time as they please.

But I think having this attitude is really sad though. I personally feel you should want to help each other if you have the means to do so - even though you don't have to.

I know how fortunate I am to be part of such a great support network. My dad used to take take his elderly mother shopping and to the doctors when he wasn't working, my MIL gladly takes care of our children once per week and my dad takes them the odd weekend to give us a break. I often take care of my disabled sister to give my dad a break too. I am sure when the time comes, we will be there to take our parents shopping, to the doctors/dentists etc because we want help, even though we're not expected or obligated to.

If you don't feel you want to help out, then I'd say you're missing out! I have amazing memories spending time with grandma when she helped my dad - trips to the caravan, going swimming, to the park etc. She has alzheimers now so it feels like I have lost her already.

@Jessanna1988 I don't think this is what the OP meant though. You seem to have a very balanced attitude and all of this sounds like it's equally portioned out.
There's a lot of people who feel their parents should be providing childcare everyday after school, because they're home anyway. It's ok if a grandparent loves it and offered, but it's not, in my opinion, ok if they didn't and are feeling guilt tripped into it.

When you’re young and healthy it’s difficult looking after young children. When you’re old and not so healthy, it’s even more difficult. Best to remember that when you think it’s morally right for grandparents to step up.

I cannot believe how entitled you are being.
why on earth should your parents, who have reared their own children have to bring up yours too.
If you make a choice to have children, they are your responsibility and only your responsibility.
It sounds like your parents want to enjoy their time with their grandchildren and not feel like it’s a chore. Let them.

@Groutyonehereagain but the op asked if they are retired and healthy. You are talking about grandparents that aren't so healthy.

YANBU.

In my culture its standard. I've had no help, and I can't imagine abandoning my child the way mine have me during such a challenging period.

My two cents.

Being in good health doesn’t mean one has the energy, patience or interest to devote to being unpaid nanny to one’s grandchildren (and it will always be Grandmother rather than Grandfather expected to do the grunt work, won’t it?) I wouldn’t call it a moral failing of any woman to opt out of doing it all over again when she’s already done her share unless she had been trotting out the “When are you going to give me grandchildren?” nonsense beforehand.

When do women ever get to rest?

At the beginning of this thread j would have said yes gp's should help.
However having just spent a few days minding dgs (we live away), I think it depends on your adult dc.
I would generally say that dd and i have a good relationship but before going to bed last night she told dh and I she'll be glad to get us out and get her house back!
We travelled 2 hours and are sleeping in less than ideal conditions to help out whilst her dh is away and dd works.
We've also cooked a meal each day for dd's return from work,done the washing and tried to keep the house tidy.
Will I care for dgs again? Yes because he's adorable.
Will I feel obligated to - no.

I think it is completely unreasonable (and stunningly entitled) to expect grandparents to provide regular childcare, unless the grandparents were consulted in family planning and promised to provide regular childcare.

There's no obligation, and I don't think it's a moral failing.

I will be offering help to my own son as and when the time comes, not necessarily full time raising them or anything but 1-2 days a week, or pick up/drop offs, or holiday help? Sure! I'd love to do that and we've started to make financial provision so I can go part time at work if I am still working at that point. Alternatively if my son and future partner would prefer a financial contribution to nursery fees, we will offer that too. I want my son and his future family to have a village and feel supported by us. If we didn't have the finances to support that, I would offer holiday/overnight/weekend help instead. And it's not just help is it, we love our children and grandchildren! I want to pass on my heritage and culture because we no longer live in our home country.

You have a choice and you can absolutely say 'they're your kids, I'm not helping out for one second, you had them!' and that is your absolute right. No one can force you to do anything and neither should they. But if you don't get involved, I don't really think you can be holding up your hands, mystified when your grandkids don't really know you or choose to spend time with you alone when they're old enough to make that choice.

This actually is something I’m having issues with. My parents don’t really offer any childcare. Recently retired. Good health. We stay literally around the corner. Toddler doesn’t want to stay at their house and my baby has seperation anxiety when she does visit for an hour but that’s only because I’ve been in tears to them because I want them to try harder. It’s very painful. I thought they would have been more of a help considering they kept asking when they were going to be grandparents. I don’t know the answer. All I know is that when I’m hopefully a gran one day, I’ll be offering help and childcare if I can.

Meant to add. They are really our only hope for childcare. We have no one else. My partner and I haven’t had a single date night since last March. Not even a meal. Which is also difficult because I feel you do need time as a couple. Even a couple of hours.

100% this.

I'll be moving abroad as soon as I retire so there'll be no childcare from me - I've done my parenting and now it's my time.

Absolutely not. Children are their parents responsibility. If anyone wants to help, great. But there’s no moral compulsion to.

And before anyone says ‘we can’t have a night out as GP’s won’t take kids’ - yes you can, you just pay for a sitter like everyone else. If you think your DC are too precious to be left with anyone but family, that’s your choice too, but no moral compulsion for your family.

This is a very wise response. Either way is fine, but if you want things like regular childcare commitment from grandparents, you are also committing to a level of enmeshment and responsibility in each others lives (the point about entitlement to input into decisions is accurate). It's fine if you want to do this, but it's also fine if your parents don't want to be this enmeshed in your parenting and life choices. Where you've seen it happen it other cultures, it isn't an isolated thing where the grandparents give lots of time for nothing- they gain a much greater role and say in your adult life. If you want to have the cake, you need to be prepared not to eat it too

I'm in my 60s. I' not a grandparent but I would not be doing childcare if I was.I've always looked after kids, my own or others from being a teenager. The fact is that I worked and had to use childcare. My time NOW is mine. I'm not in a schedule where I'm constantly chasing my own tail. If I want to get up/go to bed late I can without having to think about children and what they are doing. I can go out for the day if the weather is nice, read a book all day if it's not etc. In other words, at long last, my time is mostly my own. If you have relatives who want to help out that is fine, but many women my age have worked full time and had children, and we would now like to have some time for ourselves. If that is selfish then so be it. Is it so wrong for us to want to do the things we missed out on when we were working?

This, all this!!!