to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

^if not

What are you fucking on about. My comment didn't apply to those who don't expect old age care, i was wondering about those who don't help with childcare but would expect to be looked after when they're old. How is it 'baffling'?

I agree to an extent although I wouldn't expect full time. But I do judge grandparents who were happy to accept free childcare when they had kids, but aren't willing to give that help to their own children.

I think it could be more complicated than that. I have witnessed my mother giving tremendous time, energy and love to her grandchildren, but once they hit puberty and as adults, they have pretty much / virtually zilch to do with her

Grandparents have did their child rearing days. You chose to have children so it is your responsibility to look after them.

some of us have no parents & my kids have no granparents to spend any time with. Quit complaining & be grateful for what you have

If your being able to afford DC is dependent on grandparents providing free childcare what happens if the happy willing grandparents suddenly aren't available? If they become ill what will happen, if they die what will happen? I have several family members who went from fit and healthy to requiring care themselves overnight. In one case in their late 50's. If their DC had had children on the presumption of free childcare from them they would have been in trouble when my uncle suddenly had a major stroke and my aunt became his career.

I don't mean that 27 years old is too young for anyone to have kids, just me. I imagined having a kid when I was in my thirties once I was counsel or senior associate and had more control over my working hours. I only qualified as a solicitor when I was 24 (I did a master's at university in a science subject then the LPC and GDL) so I was still a junior associate at that time. Junior associates are expected to know what they're doing but still have a relatively low charge out rate so get saddled with all the undesirable work . They also have to train trainees so their hours are terrible.

I do like spending time with my daughter but I don't want my entire life to revolve around her childcare. I also want to go on dates with my husband and hang out with my friends. My parents and in laws' help allows me to do that. My mum also told me she felt very lost after me and my sister moved out (she has never worked before) and my daughter gives her the motivation to get up in the morning so it's a win win. Luckily my husband is also very heavily involved, he does as much childcare and housework as me. We also have a cleaner who pops in to help.

To me childcare is something freely offered. So if my parents want to help they can offer. If I don't want to I don't need to offer.

If my parents got sick I would hire a nanny. My daughter is three years old so she's nearly off to school anyway.

My husband has asked for another child though. Our daughter fits into our life so perfectly at the moment that I'm reluctant to have another.

Op I've not read the whole thread but in an ideal world yes! Of course some help even now and again every few month's would be fabulous.

All I can say is make it on your terms.

Same @BellaJuno. I've done my bit.

By the time they have kids I will hopefully be retired and out and about travelling I don't want or be stuck at home looking after grandkids!

Fuck that!

Readers digest mum was a single parent late 60s.not much help then .worked pt 9 to 4 .an hour each way to work on the tube.dad had died,so was brought up by nan as well

👏 👏 👏

Your title and your opening post are a bit different IMO.

You say 'ANY childcare whatsoever' in your title, and, before opening the thread I was assuming you meant they'd refused to look after your dc whilst you had a dental appointment, or were feeling really ill or had to go to a funeral, or even were in hospital yourself. I was going to agree with you.

But

Your OP is talking about regular, full days of childcare.
You are being ridiculous with your "morally poor" or "dire".

It is nice if Grandparents offer, but there is no expectation anyone should.
I hope, when / if I become a Grandparent I will be able to babysit, and support my dc on occasions when whatever they need to do would be easier without a small child in tow. I hope I can help out if they, or their parents are ill. I hope I will have the energy to take them for the day or even weekend occasionally 'just for fun', but there is no way I'm going to become a childminder in my retirement. It was hard enough looking after little people in my 30s, I'm not going to start all over in my 60s.

YABVVVU. Am surprised that the vote isn't higher.

I've just remembered another MN trope about GMs.

"She's had her turn"

'Oh...but she gets to have another turn whether she likes it or not, when it suits me and saves me money.'

'....but of course on her her second turn, she has to do eveything my way. She doesn't get to actually enjoy it'

If you can afford a nanny the question doesn't apply to you. It is a question for people who are saying they can't afford to pay for child care. Help from grandparents is great but if you are completely dependent on it there is the potential to come unstuck because no one knows what the future holds.

Personally I think that everyone who is able to (whether that’s affected by health, disability, stress, money related etc) should do something in their lives to help others. Of course they don’t have to. And what they do will be limited by time available.

For parents this might be caring for their own children and keeping a roof over their heads. It might be that you help others through your job. It might be really supporting a friend who needs it. Just something for other people.

I don’t mean at the expense of your own well-being. I recognise people have hidden disabilities and pressures and don’t mean them. But when you have time and security and space to do so it seems odd not to help others.

I struggle with healthy and able bodied, financially secure retired grandparents in their 60s and 70s not wanting to help, at least on a small basis regularly. As I said, of course they don’t have to but in terms of the bigger picture of family and community and connection, isn’t it good to do something outside of yourself?

Agree, Sparrow80.

Both of your posts are very true.

Good one. Lots of grandparents still have active lives and commitments too.

I didn't have any help with childcare from my mother 76 and in poor health when my first was born or my m in l similar age 74 - both 1 hour+ away.

But I do appreciate that my mother was the sole earner age 20 and until 30 for her retired father, blacklisted brother, unemployed sister and brother in law which prevented her from marrying until mid 30s. Said b in law provided home for his mother and my mother and children when he got a good job. My aunt providing care for my sister and me whilst my abandoned mother worked. Similarly my m in l as the eldest girl, looked after her 5 siblings while her parents worked, plus 2 cousins.

Going back in time, my gggrand aunt, living in cellars in Manchester took in my ggmother and her 9 children fleeing the famine of 1840s in Ireland.

My eldest aunt, widowed in WW1, bought a house for her disabled brother and then her youngest sister and family when her husband abandoned her. My eldest uncle helped my g father financially to set up his shop.

Now I travel 2+ hours most weeks, unpaid, to look after my granddaughter 3days, in London. Because I want to. I'm 76.

If I was in trouble I could call on members of my family. Isn't this what families do?

Readersd1gest mum had to work 9 to 4 with an hour each way commute.late 60s/Early 70s gm did school pick up and weekends a lot as well.dad died suddenly and she was a sm to me.very little state help then.nan even used to take me to work with her in the holidays! She was a tea lady at a garage. The office staff used to give me chocolate bars and pocket money!

Women in their 50s and early 60s would appear to be the first generation of humans to retire in their 60s having worked in paid employment for 40 years whilst also having shouldered an uneven domestic and child rearing burden, and having navigated menopause in the workplace. This generation of women have good reason to feel exhausted at retirement.

OP I think you have little understanding of the toll this takes over the life course and the realities for women of hitting your 60s. At this point you are staring at a finite number of years you can expect to remain in decent health in and up until this stage in life your needs have been sublimated by obligations to kids and the need to earn an income.

Indeed @Dowellif. I think many posters saying they will help out are possibly not 50 yet. And are not yet exhausted by the mental load and menopause.

My mum comes from a long-lived family so I expect to be looking after her too. Which I will do regardless of her not providing any regular childcare for me. Because she already did her part by bringing me up!