to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

I think the OP is also expecting the grandparents to maintain the same level of health and energy throughout their lives. I know grandparents who sacrifice so much to assist with childcare but life is a finite resource and why should they sacrifice so much

Yes, this is my take on it too.

My parents retired just before I had kids and they adore having them 1.5 days per week. It's a huge help to me with childcare costs and also I love that they are in a home/family environment and enjoying a relationship with their grandparents. We are all happy with the situation and I am incredibly grateful to them.

My in laws are retired and do sod all. Only see the kids when my husband takes them
to see them and basically make zero effort.

They spend their days sitting about doing nothing. I just cannot relate to them at all. Just don't understand it. I think it's really shitty, selfish, pointless and just weird.

It's only here that I hear no ,they have done their bit!in rl my friend has her gc while her dd works .sm . I was practically co parented by my nan .If I'm lucky enough to have got I will be only too pleased to help.

I've thought this many times when the stupid 'takes a village' is trotted out to fit an argument but I have friends who are grandparents who have been expected to 'learn' how their grandchild's mother wants the minutae to be done, usually a daughter in law because as all MN knows her parents are wonderful, it's only her in-laws who are demons.

Why did your Mum need you to be co parented by your grandma, do you think?

I suspect that by "sitting around doing nothing " you mean doing as they please instead of providing you with unpaid unthanked childcare.

My in-laws started looking after their granddaughter, our niece, when they were late 60s. They were happy to do so to start with but as she got more mobile they found it very hard., as much as they loved her. It was for three mornings a week but they didn't feel they could stop doing it and let BIL and SIL down as SIL used to say they couldn't afford childcare so if they didn't have her she couldn't work, wouldn't be able to pay mortgage, etc.

This also meant that they could only take a holiday when BIL/SIL had annual leave and meant they were hardly ever able to visit their other children, including DH and I. When our niece started school they also got lumbered with taking her in every day. It completely restricted their retirement. By the time they weren't needed for childcare FIL was starting down the dementia route, so they hardly had a proper retirement at all.

I get why people don't want to commit to regular childcare.

I do think expecting a full day a week is expecting too much. But not offer childcare ever (when local, good health) like even few hours on the evening to get something done/going to dentist etc. Is a bit crap. I do thibk in family you should help out. I would look after anybody child for an evening if there was a need.

Ah, ha, ha - light touch paper then FO, nice one op. And for the record, you know perfectly well it’s not ‘morally poor (WTAF?) at all - your kids, your responsibilities!

This in spades! 👌

@Liorae No, that's not quite right.

By sit around doing nothing, I mean just that. They don't lead fulfilling or enjoyable lives. They don't even get on with each other and sit in separate rooms from each other, day in day out. It's pretty miserable existence.

I guess to an extent they are just doing what they want though, yes. MIL has an elderly mother, lovely woman, who has helped MIL out of financial difficulties hugely over the years. She is elderly now and requiring care. MIL does sod all to help her. Does the bare minimum if she absolutely has to.

It's just a very deep rooted selfishness that they have.

I don't particularly want or need the it help with childcare for financial reasons. But it would have been lovely to have had the occasional offer of a weekend babysitter so husband and I could go out for dinner or something. It would also be lovely for them to have a relationship with their only grandchildren, which they don't.

It's their choice, but yes, I do find it pretty shitty.

I’m working really hard and living very prudently to retire at 58 (by current forecasts). My DC will be early to mid 30’s by then and I’ll be supremely pissed off if they assume I’ll be limiting my travels or second career/retraining plans to dive back into nappies and school runs. Delighted to ‘help’ but not planning on being a foundational element.

No I stick by what I say. Plus great points from pps who point out grandparents please don’t be moaning when said dgc have zero bond or relationship with you, because you were too busy to be present when they were growing up!

Obviously! People are talking about occasional help so they don’t crash and burn. No one is expecting grandparents to be raising the kids but the odd bit of help would be a lovely gesture!

How does your decision to have a child impose a moral obligation on another person who had no say in the matter?

Well my comment obviously doesn't apply to you then does it

Morally dire! That seems extreme! I think it’s sad if GPs don’t offer to babysit now and again, but I think that expecting them to commit to a day or two a week is a lot. People of my GPs generation may have helped out more. But often they were grandparents younger, and therefore fitter. My GM retired in her 50s to help look after my older cousin when my aunt went back to work. She had him most of the school holidays. My mum was in her 60s and still working when I had kids. And she wasn’t in a position to retire. Now that she has retired at 67, she likes to see the kids more, but she also likes her freedom after a lifetime of work. There’s no way I’d be palming the kids off with her all summer long!

This is true

I've looked after friends' children for a few hours on teacher strike days / so they can take their other child to the GP etc. I wouldn't necessarily commit to a regular arrangement but to help people out who are stuck? Yes absolutely.

I still feel sad about my ex in laws refusing to babysit dc1 - while he was asleep - when I was in hospital with complications after having a miscarriage. Apparently I should have "just got on with it". Even though their own parents practically brought up stbxh

Eh? Every parent has presumably raised their children. Why do they then need to look after DGC to ensure their DC look after them? Two lots of parenting! Surely what goes around comes around once, not indefinitely.

Baffling.

My career wasn't yet established and I do not have strong maternal instincts. I also do not enjoy housework or things like that.

Why would I turn down my parent's help when they get so much joy from taking care of my daughter and they are happy to do so?

You’re being ridiculous. It’s their life and they can do what they want. If I’m become a grandparent my life will definitely not revolve around childcare for them. Not least because DH is a teacher and I can’t wait to have cheaper holidays!

You shouldn’t turn it down, if you don’t want to. But it would make more sense to say ‘I didn’t feel like I wanted to parent, so I had my parents do it’ rather than ‘I was only 27.’ The issue obviously wasn’t your age but your feelings about it.

For what it’s worth, most of us don’t do housework and ‘things like that’ because we enjoy it! We do it because we have to.

I love how the rest of us apparently love housework!

Hi op I agree with you. I do think it’s morally wrong, if they’re free and in good health. I actually think some of the middle class boomer gps I know almost enjoy seeing their children suffer. Also they have taken all the funds with their lucky housing market arc and are not giving much back to the system. The world is really hard now and it is annoying.

I don’t think the world has ever been easy per se.

I do think that, as a generation of not individuals, Boomers really embraced the concept of individualism in a way never seen before and the consequences are not that great. It’s the “I’m alright,Jack” attitude writ large.