to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

I've got both of my teenage GC here as they often are. We are very close, the eldest says he tells me things he wouldn't tell his parents (sometimes it is too much information but I don't let on) and we have a really close relationship. We often plan a netflix night and I've seen some films I'd never had watched without him and I've enjoyed some of them. We take turns and he could say the same thing.

You chose to have children.
Your parents have had their children and brought them up, quite possibly also without childcare provided for them. They've done their bit.

Whilst it's lovely if grandparents will occasionally babysit and have the children, it's far more important they forge a nice relationship in whatever way works best for them and the children.

You cannot expect others to care for your children for you.

Where I live I see lots of granddads doing childcare or picking up from school. I was waiting for GC the other day and a granddad was picking up a children from school and I thought how nice it was, the old guy holding hands with the little one and chatting away as they walked off. I see grandmas as well and couples.

No it doesn't stop when they are 18. My son left home at 27 and my 24 year old is still at home.

HOWEVER me doing full time childcare when I've retired after 42 years of full time work is NOT going to happen.

The occasional babysitting or emergency - fine. A commitment - definitely not.

I don’t think it’s linked to morality at all.

I think it’s nice when grandparents help out but it should be on their terms - it’s their choice entirely.

I wouldn’t think any less of anyone’s morality if they didn’t want to or didn’t feel able to offer childcare.

If you expect your parents to provide childcare as an obligation, did you cut them in on the decision to have your children? Did you check with them when would be the most convenient period in their life for the child they had to care for to come along? Whether they preferred to look after just one or could cope with more, and what age gap they would find most manageable? Did you make sure there was a shared understanding of when they would be obliged to provide the care and for how many days per week?
Or did you just present them with a done deal and expect them to bend and shape their lives around your choices?

You chose to have them imo

I think that someone like @uniformotxa, who is probably at least 25 years or so younger than me, will struggle to understand how it feels to be nearly 60, to have spent a couple of decades bringing up their own children, and how even if you are fit and healthy, you don’t have the energy to provide childcare, especially full time childcare.

Plus we have gone through the years of having to plan our entire lives around our children, their activities, term dates and holidays etc, and now it is nice to be able to be more spontaneous.

Either my parents or my PIL offered any childcare when we had our three dses - nor did we dream of asking them. We were lucky in that we could afford for me to give up work, to do the majority of the week day child care, school runs, etc. Frankly, if we hadn’t been able to run our house on one salary, we would probably have stopped at 2 children.

When we had two, I was working part time as a staff nurse, and two-thirds of my take home pay went straight to the nursery. When we were deciding whether to have ds3, it was clear that, if I carried on working, pretty much everything I earned would go on childcare - we had to do the sums and worked out whether we could afford to have a third child.

I don't think the OP is coming back.

I remember this one vividly.

Poor woman being bullied into providing free full time childcare.

The DIL even suggesting she change her job to work nights and provide childcare during the day!

I still think of this poor woman.

So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥 http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4321209-So-worried-and-just-want-to-keep-the-peace

You decided to have children so it’s your job to raise them. It couldn’t be any simpler than that.

"Morally wrong? How utterly ridiculous! You’ve chosen to have children, you bring them up and pay for childcare if needed. Grandparents should not be expected to provide free childcare."

Yes, exactly this.

YABVU.
They are grandparents, not parents.
It isn't down to them to provide childcare.

No, your choice to have kids, your responsibility to ensure you can afford it. Why should GPs be expected to look after them?

No I don't think it is morally wrong. My mil cared for my first child 3 days a week for a while (term time only) and later for one day. But I didn't expect it of her. After she moved close to us, she babysat regularly too (but not on set evenings) and we were really grateful as we were short of money then. But when muber two came along she was not in such good health and didn't feel she could cope with two, so we didnt ask her to and paid for all the childcare we needed.

My parents lived too far away. They did have our first child for the weekend once when we went to a wedding.

My kids are grown up now but don't yet have children. I don't feel that I would want to provide regular childcare if they did. The chances are I'd be in my 70s by the time they do, if they do. I feel I've done my child rearing. I'm not against a bit of adhoc babysitting when needed but I doubt I want to provide regular childcare. Why should I? I hope to have an active retirement and do things I enjoy. Parents are responsible for their children.

I also know grandparents who have been more or less forced by their feckless children into becoming the main carers of their grandchildren- I totally would hate that to happen to me.

It’s a hard one. Mums net is notoriously harsh on anyone that thinks grandparents should provide childcare. On paper I agree but my heart breaks for my own DS who hasn’t had that much of a consistent relationship with grandparents who are retired and live close but don’t want to spend the time with him. He is their only grandchild as well, so they will never get that time back.

My DP has wonderful memories of afternoons with this grandad and it saddens me that my DS will never have that. I would like to have a relationship with any future grandchildren but what with everyone having children so much later and the retirement age increasing I wonder if I will have the energy. That makes me sad too.

Why does "wanting to spend time with him" have to mean childcare?

The odd babysitting, days out, weekend, holidays.

Grandparents CAN have close bonds without it having to boil down to childcare.

No not necessarily. It's actually expected in my culture because women want to have their own careers and parents are happy to help facilitate that.

But we're also expected to financially provide for our parents if their income isn't enough and to take care of them when they're old. Assisted living or nursing homes don't exist.

You can't pick and choose when comparing cultures.

yanbu!!!! Yes I think it is morally poor if dgp do not offer help if they can. I know I will when my dc are older and have babies!. We harp on so much in society about mental health and how it takes a village to raise a child (which it most certainly does) and in the next breathe tell people to just ‘get on with it.’

Yes, of course. As long as you ‘ step up’ and look after them when they need it further down the road. That’s how the ‘ other cultures ‘ you refer to generally work……

@Picassa

you cannot know that you will be willing and able to commit to regular child commitments when/if the times comes

after years and years of child rearing, work and general stress of life you might be too tired/ in ill health/ wanting to enjoy life’s freedoms and step away from responsibility and schedules

it’s easy to say you’ll provide all the help now - when it’s decades away.

Hi, sorry I’m not sure which bit you are referring to here. I said mumsnet is critical of grandparents not providing childcare- which is true.

Then In a separate part I spoke about my sadness of my DS not having consistent contact. I didn’t mention an expectation of childcare here. Although admit that contact with a child does usually involve some level of care. Perhaps that’s the confusion?

Nope. If my dc have children there is no way I’m doing childcare every week. But days out, holidays, tons of fun things - yes please!!

And that usually includes financially supporting the grandparents, not having your hand out for money from them.

I don’t think there should be an expectation that they’ll look after their grandchildren but if they offer and then pull out I think that’s pretty rubbish.

After my ExH left my mum practically begged me to move back to my home town to be closer to her and offered to look after my youngest twice a week while I was at work. As soon as I moved back the offer was withdrawn.

I think it’s nice if they’re willing to help out in an emergency, for holiday time when they’re at school etc. A regular day / days when they are very little (pre school) is a lot to expect I think. They are older and have less energy now, and have done many years of child rearing themselves.

I expect I’ll probably still be working by the time my children have children - what with the pension age being what it is. It’s been quite exhausting to work full time whilst having my own young, and I expect I’ll want a rest when I finally do retire. I’ll obviously help out where I can but would be a bit miffed to be tied down to a regular day, and especially to be thought morally poor for not doing it.