to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

It might also be that teens generally don't want to spend time with pensioners, pensioners being as boring in their own way as toddlers and teens.

Even two days a week is a huge commitment, especially when you’re older, may have a few health issues and have a house to run, plus normal life admin. What’s more if you’ve spent your life raising your own kids and working it may be the first chance you get to spend some time doing what you want to do. My own granny did an A level after 50 (she left her own education early because of the war).

I had a fantastic relationship with both my grandparents mainly because they were in a different role to my mum/ childminder and the time we spent together was so special precisely because we all wanted to be there. An entitled attitude of there being a moral responsibility to provide childcare would have killed this off.

Plus what’s the betting that these people who want to demand childcare are the same ones who will go mental every time granny feeds their previous moppet a chocolate button or buys them a top from Asda…

This is madness. I can’t wait to retire so I’m finally free of commitments all day long and finally able to do what I want - yippee - that someone thinks I should feel guilty about this and instead should sign up to regular child care every week - effectively a new part time job but for no pay and lots of guilt - is in and of itself ‘morally poor’! I’m glad you are not my daughter.

Is it? How so?

It is ridiculous to expect regular childcare from gps. What if you have four dc who have two dc each, are you expected to have to look after 8 gc for a good 10 plus years of your retirement?
I love my gc but they are not my job.

UABU. They raised their kids. It’s time for them to enjoy life on their terms. When we I get help from the grandparents I’m grateful and don’t feel entitled to it.

I sincerely doubt that significant numbers of current mothers working FT will be intending to retire to do weekly unpaid childcare.

Because I already did my part in raising my children, as my mum did with me? Why do I need to do double helpings?

I have saved enough for paid care when I am old, anyway.

Just as parents have a right to parent as they choose, so to do grandparents have a right to be they of grandparents that they choose to be.

When 2 people choose to create a life, they should not do so if they are not capable of providing for and meeting the needs of the children that they are bringing into the world. It is irresponsible to bring a child into the world with a plan of outsourcing your responsibility.

Many people may assist you, but that is their choice and not their obligation.

@NualaMay i would help financially (if I could) if my DD was genuinely struggling with the cost or childcare. But I wouldn’t be looking after a baby/toddler again full time, or even a couple of days a week - been there done that

Not so much with my kids- I have older friends who have always spent time with the kids and although I’m sure it’s not my kids’ fave thing to do, they will pop round and see them or take them out to the shops etc.
They don’t really know their grandparents and don’t have any real interest in building bonds now.
Im not bothered really, like so many others
many other have said GPS are entitled to live their lives. They just can’t have it all ways. Similarly, when I’m a bit older and the GP need care I will be at a point of no kids and enjoying my own life too.

Is that not obvious? @OoooohMatron

I think that if you have kids, you're morally obliged to be there for them. And that doesn't stop when they are eighteen. Nor does it stop when they have kids.

More to the point, moral obligation or not, I'm just astonished at how many grandparents here are just not very interested in being part of the day to day structure of their grandkids' lives.

@FiledAwayInABox I didn’t expect either parents to provide regular childcare for my children and booked and paid my deposit for my chosen nursery before I went on maternity leave. I did hope they would help out in emergencies like when my ds was admitted to hospital and was in HDU in a specialist childrens’ hospital but they never did. My parents helped out as did my friends. We are lucky, we don’t need their help. However I feel neither the obligation or inclination to help them as they age

I honestly don't think that parents in their 30s and 40s even begin to understand how much harder it is to do childcare in your 60s and 70s.

I actually consider myself pretty fit and healthy for my late 60s. Yet 24 hours with my gorgeous energetic and entertaining three year old DGD exhausts me. I love every minute of it, but I honestly can't imagine doing two full days a week or more, every week. And my friends who have that two day commitment (as a couple) are absolutely drained by it. It's obvious to anyone that they are, but their son and DIL seem oblivious. You'd think that when my friends deliver the kids back (yes, they do the pick up and drop off too, which means a total of 2 and a half hours on the road each day) that the parents would be able to see their tiredness.

So as much as lots of you are saying that you can't imagine not helping your kids with regular childcare (when that's probably a couple of decades away) might feel differently when it comes to that point in your life.

OP I'd say just wait until you retire after a life time of working and see how you feel.I love our DGC and do help out with sometimes whole days and certainly emergencies. Plus last minute pickups from nursery and school if they are late home.However DD totally respected us didn't want to be tied down to regular days and felt using nursery meant we could offer to have them sometimes when they weren't working as a treat so they could have the odd day / night to themselves.I finally have the freedom of retirement of choosing what I do .I don't see that's morally wrong.I was practically worn out by the time I stopped work.
I know some grandparents who feel they can't say no to regular childcare,who are totally shattered and quietly resentful.Your parents will have them for whole days now and then.That's still helpful.

@WalkingOnTheCracks

oh come off it!

parent or not, there does come a time when you can start to put yourself first, explore hobbies a and activities which were hard to do when you were caring for your own kids when they were young etc

being a parent does not mean forever having to be at the beck and call of your offspring until the day you dies and constantly having your kids then grandkids dominating first and foremost in your everyday life

I think that this depends on so many things. Ideally parents should be willing to help their adult children with things that they need, if they can; and this may include providing some childcare. But it's not an automatic duty under all circumstances, And what if they don't live nearby, or even in the same country?

I don’t think there is a moral obligation for grandparents to provide regular, committed childcare. Maybe they’d like to travel or be schedule free for the first time in their lives.
my parents stated from the start that they would provide 1- 2 days childcare. They wanted to be with their grandkids and form that close bond. My in-laws, whilst loving and caring, have been clear that they would help when it suited them (which was not often). My now teenagers are very close to my parents as they know each other inside out. They have a much more polite, guarded relationship with the in-laws. I know that my in-laws are sometimes sad about that but the hours of investment from my parents has paid off and we will return that care to them as they grow older and need it.

I suspect that the answer to that in the minds of many on Mumsnet is that the grandparents should pay for the childcare.

My mum has a great relationship with my kids. She didn't provide regular childcare though. She did the odd night babysitting, but only when convenient for her, and not weekly. Now they are young adults, she spends a lot of time with them. You don't need to be a slave to your grandchildren to have a relationship with them.

I have paid for my DC's education.
I will allow them to live rent free in my home ( I know this is against MN thinking, but I am from a culture where this is the norm).
I will help them out financially if they struggle, as long as they work hard too.
That is enough moral obligation for a lifetime.

I honestly don't understand this 'my parents/in laws did a lot of regular baby sitting so my kids are SO close to them'.

My parents were older parents. By the time I was born (the eldest) my maternal grannie was already dead. Within five years we lost both grandads. My paternal gran never baby sat us - ever.

My parents did split shifts in factories so we never went to child care. Dad worked 6am to 2pm so he would pick us up from school. Mum went out at 4pm and was home at around 9.30pm from the factory down the road. When I went to secondary school my mum changed jobs and was home at 5pm. I was in charge of the rest of the kids until she got in and was expected to start dinner.

But, I adored my gran! It was a treat going to see her each week. She'd buy fish and chips for all of us and make cakes. As I grew up I used to go from work to see her. Her not having us regularly made no difference - I liked her.

My mum didn't look after my DS when he was born as she was 78 when he arrived. My dad had died years before. My DH parents lived at the other end of the country and his dad died with dementia about five years before DS arrived. Our DS was close to both grans because we 'pushed' that relationship.

Some grandparents can't help (whether they want to or not), some only want to do odd days and others jump in with both feet. I would say (as someone who got no help and managed) that every little bit helps. Pushing someone into doing something they don't want to or can't is bullying. And threats of 'help or don't expect help' is nasty actually. Hopefully those who say that and have more than one child are more than happy to spread themselves thin later in life. Because you never know which one of your children will be the one to step up to the mark and help you as you age. So make sure you provide child care to all 2 or 3 or 4 kids as they reproduce to hedge your bets eh?

We never received much support from our parents when DS was born. We paid for full time private childcare, so I could go back to work and we struggled along, rarely going out as a couple. It was one of the reasons I chose not to go on to have more children, it was just a very difficult time.

That’s not to say I expected my parents or MiL to help, but I guess it was a little disappointing that they didn’t seem interested in DS.

Now DS is 18 and he doesn’t have much of a bond with any of his grandparents. It’s actually quite nice now as I don’t feel obligated to visit them. Additionally I never force DS to go and see them. He maybe sees MiL twice a year and my parents about 6-7 times a year.

You say "ANY" childcare which is misleading. They are offering some childcare. You want regular and consistent childcare to replace nursery. YABU.

I would never not help out my kids with sporadic childcare, but I am not sure that after working my entire life that I would be up for providing regular week on week childcare. It's a huge commitment in time, in effort, in energy. I don't think that's fair to expect of someone and they are certainly not morally obliged to supply it.

This.... now and again fine, I do one day a week too but to be the main childcare no. We do have other things we like to be free to do you know!

Exactly! 😂