to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

I don't get this whole expectation that grandparents should help with childcare. They've already brought up their children, it's time for them to enjoy their own time how they wish.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

you didn’t answer my question which suggests you don’t understand all that much about this ‘theory’ either….

That’s very much dependent on the family though.

DH and BIL spent a lot of time with their maternal grandmother - but through her choice. She had a lot of grandchildren and spent a lot of time with them. MIL is very very similar in nature to her mother so she also spends a lot of time with her grandkids.

The assumption that anyone whose kids spent/spend a lot of time with GPs don’t want to be parents is far too simplistic imo.

I will help my children if they need it, and would babysit so they can go out, be there for emergency back up etc. But in all honesty I've spent years raising kids, I've done a good job of it and I don't want to continue raiding kids for the rest of my life. Ideally, I'd like to spend more time with my husband, travel, go out and please ourselves while we are still fit and able.

I've seen friends of my parents take on so much work and responsibility for grandchildren, but they never had a say in how many children their own kids had, yet are expected to do loads of the looking after. This is not fair - a lot of them look totally knackered.

Most people will have grandparents who are still working. Retirement age is 66/67. Unless grandparents had children older and their children have children at an older age. This was the case with my DHs mother and father who were not capable of looking after two small children for a full day. They did some babysitting during the day, but they put a DVD on and supervised the kids watching it.

@LuckySantangelo35 yes I did, men remain fertile, hence they stay alive

Didn't the advent of contraception throw a spanner in the works at all?
It's a whole different world now that women can choose when and how many children to have.
With choices come responsibilities 🤷🏻‍♀️

Will you be offering care of your parents when they are unwell..as other cultures do.

I don't think it should be expected at all.

I only have to look at my friend to see how put on upon she is by all 4 of her children to look after her grandchildren. She’s not much older than me (early 50s) her and her husband work and they get almost no time together alone and she’s stressed.

I have a 4 yr old granddaughter and I have her overnight once or twice a week as her mum (ds ex) works and sometimes as an emergency. I also work. And I’m 46. That’s plenty for me.

Oh yes I agree, not in every case but people don't seem to consider this could be a factor in their disinterest, which is understandable, but I think people would be surprised at how often it could be the case.

Absolutely not. It's your responsibility to raise and afford your children. They have spent years raising their own children.

It's nice of course if they want to, but imo zero moral obligation.

I think what I struggle to understand is grandparents who don’t want to help.

With their own grandchildren.

I also can’t imagine seeing my children struggling with the cost of childcare and not wanting to give them a hand.

I can't give you an opinion from a gp pov as I'm years of that hopefully, however I do look after friends children occasionally but I would never agree to do it on a set day every week, that makes life really restrictive I don't know what I'm doing 7 weeks on Thursday and I like it that way

It's a complicated one. Our parents don't owe us childcare. We didn't live close enough to either set of grand parents for regular childcare but they helped when they could. They have great relationships with our kids.
Some grand parents don't want to commit to regular childcare.
Some grand children are badly behaved and parents can't see it and can't understand why family won't look.after their children.
Parenting has changed and grandparents can feel very judged.

We had zero help with our kids from dh’s parents, even ad hoc babysitting once in a while was always a problem. I spent years of my life caring for my own elderly parents. Even for my difficult father who is also an alcoholic. I feel morally obliged to help him.
But I don’t think i’ll run that hard to help dh’s parents when they get old. If they want to be on theirselves and not involved in our lives they can have it that way.

I'd say you are being very unreasonable! Why are they morally obliged to look after your kids? I'm a lot closer to that age bracket than you and no, I won't be looking after any future grandkids on a regular basis, I will see them often and help out where I am able, but at that time of life I don't want to be stuck looking after grandkids only a weekly basis, unable to do something on the spur of the moment because you have a school pickup. No sir-ee!!

You think grandparents' retirement should be spent providing free childcare rather than enjoying the holidays, hobbies etc that they didn't have time for when working? Never a chance to relax and just enjoy their golden years, just slog for their adult children? Sounds pretty selfish to me.

Even worse when they only take some grandchildren pretty much every weekend, and treat them to days out, mini breaks etc whilst others are only seen on special occasions....we would get help maybe 3 times a year for a night out only ...one of my husband's siblings has been on trips abroad twice already this year, gets pretty much all weekends to herself and still says how hard it is to be a single mum (of 1)...🥱

Come on...she is not saying that they should have them every day...she clearly says once a week....

No I was replying to the contractual attitude of the poster who DIDN'T get free childcare and BECAUSE of that would not care for her parents.

just to add, times have changed and 20/30 years ago we'd maybe go to grandma's after school etc but that's because Grandma didn't really do anything! The world is a smaller place now, its easier & cheaper to travel, people have more hobbies etc etc.

Is it not 'morally poor' to have children that you can't afford?

@CinnamonJellyBeans

i mean my other question

my question - do you basically think that people are only valid and of any worth if they have a role of caring for others ie children?

how does that work for people who never have kids? Who need care themselves?

where do those people fit with the ‘theory’?

My parents are divorced, have been for yonks, but neither do any childcare... ever. My in laws are pretty good and always willing to help out if they can but they both work full time. Nursery fees have crippled me. But it is what it is.

that was the answer earlier