to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

@CinnamonJellyBeans what would their raison detre be them??!😩

We live far from family and have had exactly zero assistance with childcare from them. Which is fine with me.

Regular childcare is a massive commitment. It means they have to consult with you before going away, may not be able to without leaving you with no childcare cover, miss out on things they may want to do with their friends. Its also means that they will feel obliged to provide ' a day a week' for any other grand children, meaning it can drag on for years, or/ and become more than once a week.

Plus its a tiring and often tedious commitment. If doing so is your parents' joy, and priority, then fine. But if not, its asking an awful lot.

I really don't think you understand just how much of a commitment you are expecting them to make here, at the end of their own working life.

I'm really on the fence with this.

My mum was retired and she didn't offer any regular childcare, but she arguably had a lot going on personally. She was always there in an emergency and helped a lot with the odd evening or afternoon so that we could have an evening out or shops in peace.

Dh parents are a bit further away but again helped in emergencies and if we wanted an evening out.

Sure it would have been great to have free childcare instead of nursery, but I do get that little children are bloomin hard work. My children are older now and I get exhausted just looking at toddlers. That could be tough in your 60s.

The other thing is, some parents treat grandparents like shit. With endless rules and regulations and falling out over the slightest thing.

I don’t think any grandparent should feel obliged to look after their grand children. If they’re happy to great but if not that’s fine too.

We haven’t had any regular help with childcare from either set of grand parents neither would we expect it. It was our choice to have children not our parents. Our children, our responsibility.

I actually can’t believe people feel like their parents should offer regular childcare.

I find it odd that people who spent lots of time with grandparents and other family members think their parents would step up... sorry to point out the unpalatable but reading multiple posts such as these reads like they really regretted being a parent at all and palmed you off at every opportunity, why would they have an interest in looking after grandchildren?
Not fair but probably not far from the truth.

Crime against nature!

TBH, I'm actually pretty ambivalent about the whole thing If you're not available to help out, then you're not available.

Just totted it up, I have two adult kids and have received a grand total of:
2 nights for a funeral from one set of GPs
10 nights from my own parents

No childcare ever apart from that. Luckily for us, we didn't need them, as we had the funds and I think that a nursery setting is safer and more stimulating and fun.

I do feel upset though, when people refuse so adamantly, when they could be in a position to help out. This working generation has it so much harder than our parents did: Both parents have to work to have a reasonable lifestyle. My own mum (like many of her generation), was stay at home for years and then only ever part time. She was retired and living abroad at my age. I have years and years left to work. Women now work full-time, all the way through child-bearing years and we have to work for so much longer. What's the harm in helping out your own child?

@CinnamonJellyBeans

basically what you’re saying is that women are only of any value and worth if their lives are devoted to looking after others.

your internalised misogyny is REALLY showing!
wow!

Stealing is morally poor. As is lying. So is neglect. Not wanting to do regular childcare in your 60s is not. I get on very well with the in laws (and my parents but they live on a diff continent). It was DH and my decision to have kids. MIL and FIL have worked hard all their life, very hard. It would be absurd for us to accuse them of being immoral for not looking after our small kids!

I don’t think I owe them this just because they raised me, no.
Genuine question to try and understand your mindset here - are they your biological parents and did you have a happy childhood with them? If one of your elderly parents had a fall for example, you wouldn't go straight there to help, you'd send or pay someone else to go instead?

It's not really our parents fault though that we have to work more these days.

It is really tough these days being a working parent, but it's not forever

No, it's Anthropology. I didn't work on the theory. I'm not that smart.

My parents don't help. I think it's fucking rich considering one set of grandparents lived next door and looked after me all the time growing up

I don't know if it's morally poor but it's a bit selfish, I don't understand why a Grandparent wouldn't WANT to spend time and develop a relationship with their DGC

My children spent loads of time with their gps and have a close relationship. But they never had sole care of them. I or dh or both of us visited regularly. Of course grandparents WANT to build a close and loving relationship with their grandchildren, and it's perfectly possible to do that without having sole care of them.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

so you do think that women are only of any worth if they are caring for others?
yes or no?

Not all grand parents are retired. I have 5 grandchildren and I work full time, By the time I retire my Grandkids will be adults so its not always straightforward. I do help out and babysit and visit when I can and I adore my grandkids and feel guilty when the 'other grandparents' help out more than I do!

My friend helps her son. Its a huge tie..They cant plan or go away. My mam felt she rear her own so zero help. It was hard. But u cope. Now I dont need help as kids good ages. I would help out a bit full days prob not.

Men too? If you are able? Then yes.

It is always mothers who are expected to do this, not fathers.

I wouldn’t expect it.

But my grandparents were all of working age when I was young enough to require regular childcare so couldn’t commit. My own parents are all of working age too so I see support with childcare as a huge bonus rather than something I am owed.

If they were retired well…I think I would feel the same, to be honest.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

so basically you think that people are only valid and of any worth if they have a role of caring for others ie children.

how does that work for people who never have kids? Who need care themselves?

where do those people fit with your ‘theory’?

But THEY did the hard work for caring for YOU in a physical way but now you want them to do it twice and to offer childcare for your own children to warrant caring for them when they are older. I think that is shameful.

Do you believe all children are obliged to come and be regular carers for their elderly parents just because their elderly parents looked after them when they were children? I don’t. People have children because they want to have children, not to get a free carer when they are old. In any case most adult children will have jobs and/or their own DC to look after and won’t be in a position to do the majority of physical care for their parents. Of course most will help out when they can, but that is different to a regular care commitment.

I don’t actually want my parents to offer childcare. They don’t want to, and I’d rather pay someone who enjoys looking after small children than have someone reluctant. Likewise, I am sure they would rather have a paid carer doing their care than a reluctant daughter.

Haha same!
I don’t think grandparents are morally obliged to do anything. It’s very sad for us to note the difference between my parents (very involved) and my partner’s (not at all involved), but that’s just the way they are and there is nothing that will change that. We can’t force them to be more interested and we don’t expect them to be. The sadness comes in the difference we see in the relationship our DC have with each of them respectively. PIL have had one of our DC to stay overnight once in 10 years and she felt nervous going to stay because she barely knows them. Obviously they don’t know that and they would be heartbroken if they did.
My parents provided 5-ish years of free childcare and we will be forever grateful. They offered, we didn’t ask. We made sure everything was paid for and we paid for a yearly holiday for them during that period.

Genuine question to try and understand your mindset here - are they your biological parents and did you have a happy childhood with them? If one of your elderly parents had a fall for example, you wouldn't go straight there to help, you'd send or pay someone else to go instead?

@Teapleasemilknosugar sorry perhaps I’ve not been clear. I am talking about taking on a regular carer role. Similar to the regular childcare slot that the OP is talking about. Of course I would rush there in any emergency.

Like I said, it's not my theory.

I understand Einstein's theories of special and general relativity, Darwin's theory of natural selection, Wegner's plate tectonic theories, but that doesn't make it "my" theory.

Some of those theories didn't go down at all well with the uneducated either