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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

957 replies

uniformotxa · 13/04/2023 11:21

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

OP posts:
NeverMindTheBuzzkills · 13/04/2023 15:47

I don't think there is a moral obligation but I do find it hurtful that my mum isn't willing to help us. It would make a huge difference to us financially, even just an afternoon a week would help, but mainly because she doesn't have much of a relationship with my DC. She just isn't very interested in them at all but then will complain to anyone who will listen about how they only like their other GP's, who are much more involved. You reap what you sow.

puttinoutfirewithactimel · 13/04/2023 15:48

minipie · 13/04/2023 15:43

My parents are the same. Made it clear that any regular childcare was off the cards despite living close by, good health, no work or other commitments. Just didn’t want to be tied down. Their view was that we could pay for childcare (correct, we had the money, although more grandparent time would have been lovely for the DC and nice for us to have a break at weekends sometimes).

This is entirely their choice and there is no moral obligation IMO.

However, I will have exactly the same view when it comes to elder care. They can pay a carer. I don’t want to be tied down by regular visits or helping out, just as they didn’t want to be tied down by regular childcare.

But they brought you up, cared for you etc... does that not count for anything or do they have to do it twice to be visited regularly in their old age?

HideousKinky · 13/04/2023 15:48

My DD had a baby last year and will be returning to work next month.
We live too far away to offer childcare but even if we lived closer I do not believe we have a moral obligation to do so.
We gave them a substantial sum towards their first home when she and her DH got married and this has enabled them to have a far smaller mortgage than they might have done, thus freeing up funds for childcare, so we feel we have made a contribution already

minipie · 13/04/2023 15:50

Teapleasemilknosugar · 13/04/2023 15:46

@minipie However, I will have exactly the same view when it comes to elder care. They can pay a carer. I don’t want to be tied down by regular visits or helping out, just as they didn’t want to be tied down by regular childcare. Just to clarify, you wouldn't regularly visit your elderly parents, those people that raised you and cares for you as a baby, because they wouldn't provide free care your own babies as well?

Absolutely I will visit them in order to see them and spend time with them. I like them as people. However I don’t feel any obligation to do the hard work of caring for them in a physical way. I don’t think I owe them this just because they raised me, no.

gamerchick · 13/04/2023 15:51

CinnamonJellyBeans · 13/04/2023 15:41

Human parents treat their own kids like some kind of affliction, so there's no way they're going to assist you with your own kids when they come along.

Ironic really: The reason why human females live decades beyond the age of reproductive capability (unlike other mammals, including primates) is that evolution has selected genes for longevity, so we can assist with the feeding and care of our offsprings' offspring. The grandchildren are literally our raison d'etre.

Instead, let's just spend our final decades bristling when asked to help out and letting our own offspring pay the HUGE cost of keeping us alive via pension and healthcare costs we incur, while doing nothing for society.

Lol. It's your biological duty Grin heard it all now.

OnMyWayToSenility · 13/04/2023 15:52

I wouldn't either, maybe the odd emergency but I'd be so old by then I don't think I'd be very good tbh 🤣

CinnamonJellyBeans · 13/04/2023 15:53

It's true, look it up "Grandmother hypothesis".

What other species in nature sits around doing nothing? Once production of the next generation has stopped, so does life.

I wonder how much elder care costs compared to raising a child? I do hope we're not reaping more than we sowed. That would be unsustainable and morally wrong.

HideousKinky · 13/04/2023 15:53

However we have cared for the baby on many occasions during her maternity leave whilst they had evenings out/weekends away and will continue to do this willingly and with joy.

As I remember another poster saying once on a previous thread on this subject, there is an enormous difference between enjoying grandparenthood and doing childcare

Babyroobs · 13/04/2023 15:54

I'm on the fence with this. My own mum provided quite a bit of childcare for my kids when they were little but she didn't work outside of the home for more than a few hours a week for a very few years since me and my brother were born. In contrast I've worked non stop for almost 40 years as well as raising four kids. Quite frankly I'm knackered and not sure I will have the energy to look after grand kids when the time comes.

puttinoutfirewithactimel · 13/04/2023 15:54

minipie · 13/04/2023 15:50

Absolutely I will visit them in order to see them and spend time with them. I like them as people. However I don’t feel any obligation to do the hard work of caring for them in a physical way. I don’t think I owe them this just because they raised me, no.

Show quote history

But THEY did the hard work for caring for YOU in a physical way but now you want them to do it twice and to offer childcare for your own children to warrant caring for them when they are older. I think that is shameful. You like them as people but because they won't offer you free childcare and give up their golden years looking after small children all over again when they have already done it once you refuse to care for them like they did you.

Shelefttheweb · 13/04/2023 15:55

Not being prepared to commit to weekly childcare which would mean they wouldn’t be able to go away, on holidays, visit other child, take on other activities - YABU

Not being prepared to provide emergency care when someone needs hospital treatment etc - YANBU

Not being prepare to provide ad hoc care to give you a weekend break, cover work trip, nannies holiday, part of a school holiday - depends on circumstances.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/04/2023 15:55

@CinnamonJellyBeans

“Ironic really: The reason why human females live decades beyond the age of reproductive capability (unlike other mammals, including primates) is that evolution has selected genes for longevity, so we can assist with the feeding and care of our offsprings' offspring. The grandchildren are literally our raison d'etre.”

nah! My raison d’etre when older and retired is to fully make the most of being retired and enjoy myself before I die! So think lots of holidays, gatherings with friends, hobbies etc.

also just thinking about your theory…. Why do men live longer as well, cos they can continue to reproduce?

such bollocks you speak

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 13/04/2023 15:57

Also bear in mind, from the 50s until the 70s the average age to have your first child was 22. The average grandparent would be 44. Now the average age of a first child is 30, so grandparent is 60. There are many having their kids at 40 now, so their parents will likely be around 70. Even within the last generation there has been a huge shift in when people have kids and their choices e.g number of families with a SAHP. Percentage of mums with young children in the workforce has gone up from 19% in 1950 to 80% now.

Grandparents now are much older and there is a much greater demand for childcare.

JaneFondue · 13/04/2023 15:58

I think the OP is a troll or a journalist because there are suddenly a number of similar posts.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/04/2023 15:58

@minipie

you might be surprised to find that by retirement age you too don’t want to be tied down to a regular child care arrangement and just want to be able to relax and please yourself after years of child rearing and work. You might find you have a bit more empathy with your parents at that point compared to what you have now. It’ll be too late by that point though as they will have long passed away.

Pollydolly13 · 13/04/2023 16:00

I don’t expect my parents to help they offered one day a week. Tbh I think that’s enough for them. They are their grandchildren to enjoy I wouldn’t want them to do more. It makes me wonder about the families that are relying on the grandparents heavily. As it’s not an easy job particularly with small children. I have paid for childcare on other days.
Off subject but I know many families with grandparents who regularly help with the bills and getting onto the property ladder so maybe some help in a financial sense instead?

Absc · 13/04/2023 16:01

It’s their choice. My parents have my son on a Sunday whilst I work. However they both are still working full time themselves. However this is a short term arrangement until I go on maternity soon. If they didn’t want to have him I would respect that as they never had my nephew whilst my sister worked.

Chickychoccyegg · 13/04/2023 16:02

Morally wrong not to provide free childcare? This makes attitude me so annoyed.
My parents didn't provide childcare when my dc were young, they were both working full time, but would happily babysit and have them over night if asked, my dc think the world of them , my dsis had dc more recently and my mum looks after her dc 1 day a week now she's retired, she finds this very tiring, but enjoys looking after dc .Absolutely no body should be going around expecting their parents to give up their own free time, especially when they're a bit older to save you nursery fees, if my dc grow up with this grabby , entitled attitude I will be ashamed, especially if they had the cheek to tell me I am morally obliged .

CinnamonJellyBeans · 13/04/2023 16:02

...errrr the men are still fertile

SpaghettifingerFusillitoe · 13/04/2023 16:02

Having GPs doing regular childcare can come with a lot of strings… my ExH’s parents did a day a week. I’ve now remarried and DH’s parents live abroad and do no childcare, but do give us their home free for a week for holidays. I prefer option 2…

I cared for my mum when she had a degenerative illness, not all my siblings did. If your ILs couldn’t live independently when they’re older would you stay with them a few days a week?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 13/04/2023 16:02

We're in a position where one set of parents are no longer with us and the other set of parents aren't really interested in anything more than a tokenistic approach to grand parenting. It's certainly not the experience of grandparents I had growing up and it makes me sad to think dc don't have any sort of quality relationship with grandparents but ultimately it's their choice. I do think it means that they can't expect any sort of positive relationship with the gc when they're older though.

BellePeppa · 13/04/2023 16:03

CinnamonJellyBeans · 13/04/2023 15:53

It's true, look it up "Grandmother hypothesis".

What other species in nature sits around doing nothing? Once production of the next generation has stopped, so does life.

I wonder how much elder care costs compared to raising a child? I do hope we're not reaping more than we sowed. That would be unsustainable and morally wrong.

So what happens if the gp want to move to sunnier climes for their retirement? Would that be ok or is it a crime against nature?

Nimbostratus100 · 13/04/2023 16:05

uniformotxa · 13/04/2023 11:21

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

I disagree totally, I think it is morally wrong to expect grandparents to take on child care

Why should someone who has finished their child rearing, and finished their life's work be expected to take on the stress, commitment, worry, conflict, physical labour, expense, restrictions, travel, house rearrangement and sheer drudgery of tying themselves down to care for someone else's children according to someone else's rules and someone else's timetable.

a totally unreasonable expectation in my view

SpaghettifingerFusillitoe · 13/04/2023 16:05

Plus you know most people becoming parents now won’t be eligible for a pension until they’re over 70. I’m not sure going forward this will be an option for many

dollybird · 13/04/2023 16:06

YABU. I am a new grandparent. I'm 47. I still work FT. No way am I in a position to offer regular childcare. We have helped out massively in other ways, as DC is young.