to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

No, grandparents don't have any moral obligation to provide regular childcare. It's up to them if they want to. I think the only actual "obligation" as such is to help out in an emergency or unforeseen circumstances.

My mother did all day childcare for my nephew for 4 years until he started primary school, then after a couple of years, looked after my niece for another 4 years along with taking and collecting nephew to/from school! That was 8 years in which she was "tied" to childcare 8-6 Mon to Friday. For the latter 4 years, my father was retired and wanted to go on holidays etc., but they couldn't because my sister played the "emotional blackmail" card of not having anyone to look after her children, so they only managed one weeks' holiday per year. My Dad kept complaining to Mum saying she should say no and insist on my sister taking time off to look after her children so they could go on more holidays, but sister would always storm off in a huff whenever Mum said she couldn't have the kids (even for legitimate reasons like hospital appointments!).

Sadly Dad started to suffer with health issues as soon as the kids were both at secondary school and didn't need looking after, and then died, so they never got their eagerly anticipated holidays because she had spent a decade or so doing regular childcare for my sister! Now, Mum bitterly regrets not being more assertive and refusing to do so much childcare as they effectively "lost" their retirement plans!

This, with bells on!!

You do receive a whole weekend a month of childcare then? That is a lot.

There is absolutely no moral obligation for grandparents to offer childcare.

However, my Dsis got a lot of help from DParents with both her children, I did not and that's hard to take. Our children are only 3 years apart, so not a huge difference in age - There is less than a year between her youngest and mine.

DM once said "I suppose we should come and help you out too" with a silent sentence of "but we're not though"

Childcare costs are eye-watering but it's a discussion prospective parents should be having, not just assuming that grandparents are willing to take on this role.

No, sorry, but I totally disagree. You had kids, you take responsibility for them. If your parents help sometimes, that's a bonus, but should never be expected as of right. They have done their child raising (you): your turn to do yours. No moral obligation whatsoever.

I don’t think there is a moral obligation. I’d love to see more of ours but because we’d want to, not because it’s expected. And I say that as someone whose dc’s have two sets of gp’s who don’t provide childcare. One set live too far away but would drop everything, drive through the night etc to be with us if we needed them. I’d do likewise as they get older and need us more.

The other set live relatively close but have no interest in the dc’s and have regularly watched us struggle. During a recent emergency when DH was hospitalized they asked to be kept informed. No offer to mind the dcs so I could visit or go and collect him. I’ll be happy to refer them to their local support services if they ever need it but no more.

Totally agree OP but people on mumsnet don't like it (I suspect it touches a nerve...)

FWIW I'm a SAHM and have never had to use any childcare for more than a couple of hours once in a blue moon, but I know both sets of grandparents would absolutely help in any way if I needed them to, or even just wanted them to tbh.

Ad hoc is acceptable. But a regular commitment - no way would I want to do that unless the circumstances meant there was no other option. I would be happy to help out as many times a week, as long as it was an option for me and not a regular requirement. Grandparents have their own lives as well. For example, I would be happy to have grand children for a week during the holidays - no problem at all. But not collecting every day from school.

You are being unreasonable and I say this as someone who does have grandparents doing childcare. The thing is the expectation was never there, they offered and I accepted. I say to them often if it gets too much they can tell me and I will put them into paid nursery. It was my choice to have children and we carefully considered whether we could afford them before having them. I wouldn't have been annoyed if there was no offer of free childcare, my parents have raised their children and done their bit, they don't have to start again with mine. I'm just very lucky they wanted to do it and gladly accepted their offer.

Your choice to have children
Child care from.grandparents is not a right,it is a privilege

Agree. What an odd thing to think is morally dire. Grandparents behaving as grandparents, how very dare they.

Kazzyhoward Your poor parents. Your sister sounds like the biggest CF!

Grandparent here. I am 57 and have been working since I was 17. I have 3 years to go until I retire. Then I am free to please myself. I would not look after my grandchildren (in a regular childcare capacity). Why should I? As for it being a moral issue

Agree. What an odd thing to think is morally dire. Grandparents behaving as grandparents, how very dare they.

Very fair point! She is great 😊

I’m on the fence. My mil had full time childcare for both her dc from her mil (for free and gm bought all food and paid for activities)

Mil told us she would be providing childcare but she would be charging (the nursery would be cheaper 😂). I would have said no anyway because I trust her about as far as I can through her.

I find it astonishing that todays parents think it's morally wrong to not get help from grandparents.

Human parents treat their own kids like some kind of affliction, so there's no way they're going to assist you with your own kids when they come along.

Ironic really: The reason why human females live decades beyond the age of reproductive capability (unlike other mammals, including primates) is that evolution has selected genes for longevity, so we can assist with the feeding and care of our offsprings' offspring. The grandchildren are literally our raison d'etre.

Instead, let's just spend our final decades bristling when asked to help out and letting our own offspring pay the HUGE cost of keeping us alive via pension and healthcare costs we incur, while doing nothing for society.

I don’t have grandchildren yet but if and when I do I won’t feel obligated to provide childcare. Would loathe being tied down.

My parents are the same. Made it clear that any regular childcare was off the cards despite living close by, good health, no work or other commitments. Just didn’t want to be tied down. Their view was that we could pay for childcare (correct, we had the money, although more grandparent time would have been lovely for the DC and nice for us to have a break at weekends sometimes).

This is entirely their choice and there is no moral obligation IMO.

However, I will have exactly the same view when it comes to elder care. They can pay a carer. I don’t want to be tied down by regular visits or helping out, just as they didn’t want to be tied down by regular childcare.

What a load of bollocks.

@minipie However, I will have exactly the same view when it comes to elder care. They can pay a carer. I don’t want to be tied down by regular visits or helping out, just as they didn’t want to be tied down by regular childcare. Just to clarify, you wouldn't regularly visit your elderly parents, those people that raised you and cares for you as a baby, because they wouldn't provide free care your own babies as well?

That really made me laugh, and it’s so true of many posts I read on mumsnet.

It also reminded me of a young couple, househunting on (I think) Kirsty and Phil’s programme some years ago. She wanted a property about half an hour away from her in-laws ‘far enough away so the in-laws wouldn’t be a nuisance, but near enough to provide free child care’ 😳😳😳

I often wondered about the reaction from the in-laws when the programme aired.

I agree this is unfair.

My guess is they agreed to help out your Dsis, found it more knackerin than expected but didn’t feel they could back out once she was relying on it. Now they know they ought to help you too but really can’t face another X years of small children. Hence the sort of reluctant half offer.

Moral - don’t offer something to one child unless you are sure you can do the same for the other.

@Twike read the post again. It says “half A DAY a week”. Not half a week