to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

Offering to take the grandkids overnight at weekends, or during school holidays or doing pick ups and drop offs, or looking after a poorly child if the parents are in a bind is a whole different ballgame to committing to weekly regular childcare.
I get why grandparents would be reluctant to do that. If you spent your whole life working and raising children and finally get to retire and enjoy finally having the ability to do last-minute ad hoc stuff, take advantage of last-minute holiday deals, etc, then it's a lot to ask them to bind themselves to a weekly commitment.
You mostly have a window of opportunity just after you retire, before possible ill health may clip your wings to do this kind of stuff. so to ask them to give up those years in childcare is a lot to ask. This current batch of retirees has more than likely been working since 18, maybe even 16. uni wasn't the default option for most of them.

Unless physical ability or proximity prevents me, I'm planning on offering vastly more support than I received (which was close to zero compared to everyone else I know).

Not out of obligation but simply because I will want to support my child and have a close relationship with any gcs. It's a very personal decision...but doing this would give me enormous pleasure. Fingers crossed I get taken up on the offer!

Of course not , they've had their children. You've now got yours , it's a favour.
I would hate to be tied down to a certain day / days each week to look after grandchildren.
Bluntly , why should I ?

Mine are older now and I’m not looking forward to more childcare responsibilities in a few years when they have kids of their own?! Selfish maybe but need a break at some point?!

In the "other cultures" alluded to on here, women often don't work. Therefore, their only value is in childcare and eldercare, and their only way of getting some respect is to look after children till they die.

But then she talked about other cultures. There aren't other cultures were men are looking after GC and elderly relatives. She also hasn't clarified that she holds the male relatives of her children's father, as failing morally because they aren't doing childcare.

I don't think it's a moral obligation, but I do think it's a bit sad when people can but just don't want to. If my parents need care in their old age then I will do it because I care about them and I want to help. I suspect I will feel a similar way about looking after any future grandchildren I might have. Having said that, it definitely needs to be on the grandparents terms!

@uniformotxa how does this actually work in the real world? We live in town A my bil and Sil live in town B my PiL are in town C my mum in town D my dad in town E and my brother in town F. The nearest anyone lives to anyone else is about an hour's drive. Should my in laws or one of my parents move to supply childcare to me? If they do how would they also support bil/my brother as we are 100s of miles away. Should DH and I both quit our jobs and move so we have child care on tap (but no jobs or house as we can't afford one near my in-laws especially as we would both be unemployed!). DM is fit and well but her husband isn't so is DM exempt from your plan or does she need to look after grandchildren and care for her husband. If parents supply help to one child should they pay their other child/rens childcare costs to balance things up?

Completely unreasonable
Completely titled
If I was the grandparents of someone with this attitude I’d move abroad .

I find this absolutely vile to be honest.

So in your world, if the OPs parents want help in their old age, then they have to not only raise OP, but also raise OPs children and if they don't then fuck em. Disgusting.

Not a hope in hell would I offer regular childcare having raised my own kids. I would however offer babysitting and sleepovers at weekends regularly. There is no way I want to be tied down minding kids during the week, not fair to ask any grandparents to do that. Now is their time to enjoy life without the burden of small children. I have seen so many harassed older people trying to wrestle a screaming 2 year old into a trolley in Tesco, too much and not fair.

If they offer that's different.

I disagree. Childcare is the parents responsibility and theirs alone.

We did have both sides offer a few days each which we were grateful for but ultimately decided that full time nursery would be best with professionals who we can draw a professional line with. I didn't want to have an awkward Sunday lunch with MIL sulking because we had asked her to please not do something regarding childcare during the week which is obviously not a potential issue with someone outside of the family.

They do the typical fun Grandparent things like have him for a sleepover instead. I think using family as childcare often doesn't end well.

I don’t get any help with childcare, to be fair grandparents live far awah and they haven’t asked. But when (if) I have grandchildren I’m going to be honest, I don’t want to be doing regular childcare - I mean, I would do the odd babysitting and weekend stint here and there but not daily school runs, all day caring for a toddler while the parents work. I’ve done that and want to enjoy my retirement. However, if my DD’s were really struggling I would help them
come up with a solution, and if childcare is still as extortionate as it is now (hopefully not if the 30 hours free is still in place!) I would help them out in terms of money, as a last resort. I’ll be (subtly) instilling into them early that they need to have thought of all this ‘before’ deciding to have children..

In an ideal world families would pull together. Helping elderly relatives as well as having support with young children.
I can’t wait to support my children with their children.

I think there's a big difference in Grandparents being criticised for not offering/providing regular childcare on certain days and Grandparents who show little to no interest in their Grandchildren generally (which is more reasonable to feel upset about). Personally, If I have Grandchildren, I will want to spend time with them to build a relationship. I will also want to help out my adult DC and give them a break/allow them to have an evening out or even a few days away from time to time. If I had, say, one or two Grandchildren and I was fit/healthy enough I would probably commit to a small amount of regular childcare as well (as long as there was flexibility if I wanted to go away for eg). But if more Grandchildren came along and I felt it was too much to do regular childcare, or if I wasn't up to it health wise, I'd be very hurt if my DC complained/criticised if I was otherwise an interested and loving Grandparent.

Yes I think it would be wrong not to provide ANY childcare - unless you didn't get on, it was impractical or you thought you couldn't cope......but does that happen much?
Your post then goes on to say your parents didn't offer any regular childcare you could rely on. That's totally different. I think all childcare should be on grandparents terms. I'd never expect my parents to 'give' a regular day/time to facilitate me going to work for example....and I wouldn't do it for a grandchild.
Committment is not really something you ask of someone, it's something they offer.

I could add up all the money I've spent on my adult children in the last year but I would not set up a monthly direct debit up for same amount this coming year.

Half a DAY a week. Not half a week

No. My mother didn't (my father worked until he died just about) and that was fine - she had done her bit when we were young and had at long last been free of us so why not enjoy it until her death at 75? Our parents lived hundreds of miles away too.

I am a grandparent with 2 young adult children at home and I work full time as I will until I die probably and I have had almost 40 years of looking after and paying for 5 children so will be looking forward to when it ends.

One regular day of childcare for a young child/children per week is a HUGE amount of childcare for a grandparent to provide. I've done backup babysitting for friends, and after 2 hours with their child, I'm exhausted.

One thing I dislike is grandparents who (understandably) don't wish to provide any childcare, but who also expect the mother (never the father, it's always the mother) of the children to run herself ragged bringing the child to them, on a schedule of their choosing, so they can see their grandkids without lifting a finger.

Do you live with your parents?
I couldn't disagree more with your post. For me it's even totally acceptable not to love their grand children let alone not to provide childcare.

i don’t think grandparents should have to help with babysitting. We do ask for help in certain situations (when I was in labour, when my friend had an emergency and needed me there recently etc). But it’s not often. And it’s never my mum that I ask.

It's morally wrong to have kids, and 'expect' grandparents to look after them.

You are very fortunate, if you have healthy Grandparents, who are willing and able to help out.

I think this is a weird one I agree with you however I’m from a family where grandparents always mucked in and helped (on one side of the family) those same grandparents that looked after me also look after my son for me one day a week! Along with my dad (mum can’t due to hours in work) my dad quite literally dropped a day in work to have my son and both my parents would do absolutely anything to help! My mum has taken annual leave so I didn’t have to when family who usually have him have been on holiday or sick! He’s in playgroup now so they only have to pick up and have him for 2 hours and a full day in half term etc. my MiL and FiL also do one day and help cover holidays etc of other family members. If my mum and dad had retired they would have 100% had him every day I needed. So I struggle to understand why other parents wouldn’t do this too however I completely understand it isn’t a given and we are lucky! But all my friends with children have a similar set up to us so it does baffle me when people struggle to get family help!

I personally agree with this. We don't get any help and fair enough they don't have to, but it would be very helpful to us and it will impact their relationship. A day here and there is not the same as regular 1-1 contact or few days holidays, and that's the memories I have of my grandparents.

Hopefully they will be more involved as the kids get older...

When my parents decide to go away for a week, we either try to adjust our working days between me and DP to use some annual leave. Some occasions if they have went and kids are off school with it being school holiday. I’ve watched my nieces and nephew when I’ve been off watching my children and then my DB/SIL has watched mines for day or two here and there too. With it being school holidays now some days my parents will have 1 or 2 GC a day here and there and others 4 GC it just varies. GC range in age from mid 20’s to 4 years old so often older kids help too if they want too.