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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

957 replies

uniformotxa · 13/04/2023 11:21

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

OP posts:
Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/04/2023 13:22

@uniformotxa your parents haven’t said no help at all. They’ve offered occasional childcare which is very useful when it’s needed. My parents and MIL did this and I was extremely grateful to them when emergency childcare was needed. Unfortunately, you will either need to pay for childcare or look after your own children.

LemonDrizzleyCake · 13/04/2023 13:22

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 13:19

Because they have to tend to their bridges.

Show quote history

Or look for fodder for their next feature maybe in the Mail?

saraclara · 13/04/2023 13:24

whumpthereitis · 13/04/2023 13:13

You’d be surprised. There are plenty of grandparents that fully committed themselves to ‘the village’ that find themselves left to it in a care home once they are no longer useful.

Show quote history

Yep. A GP would be mad to take on their GCs' care in expectation that it would result in their kids taking care of them when they're elderly. It's pretty rare now that anyone is in a position to care for elderly parents. Most are still working or still bringing up their own families (albeit that they're now teenagers).

I'm 67/ My DGDs are 3 and under 1. When I get to 80, my DD is going to be busy with two teenagers (maybe more) GCSEs will be coming up and she'll still be working full time. I have no expectations that she'll be available to do much, never mind enough to keep me out of a care home.

I look after my DGDs at random times, out of pleasure and to help my DD informally. Not in expectation of anything. But no, I cannot commit to regular weekly care, nor do I have the energy for it.

Littleroseseverywhere · 13/04/2023 13:25

I think the opposite, I think it’s morally poor to have kids and feel entitled to free child care from your parents.

Iwasafool · 13/04/2023 13:25

Simonjt · 13/04/2023 13:14

After spending 25 years getting both our children to adulthood, working for at least 45 I will certainly not being providing free childcare. As someone their 30’s I can imagine doing it, as a 67+ year old, no thank you.

I'm 70, I think it keeps me young. My GC range from young baby to a young adult, I get a shock sometimes when I see this old lady in a mirror or shop window, I think I'm in my 30s so the old woman surprises me.

TheMoth · 13/04/2023 13:26

I will be 68 by the time I'm allowed my pension. Will I fuck be doing any childcare at that point, even if my health stands.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 13:26

PrinnyPaupersPurse · 13/04/2023 13:21

"Yes, but apparently spending a day with a grandchild is akin to cleaning someone else's toilet and washing their clothes so I don't think some posters are looking for that loving bond."

I have a very loving bond with my grand children thank you. I face time them every single day, sometimes several times a day. They come to my house two evenings a week and for most of Sunday for dinner ( with their parents). I have them for a full Saturday every 4-6 weeks on my own. I just don't want to commit to every morning from 8 until nursery drop off at 1. I don't even want to commit to one day a week doing that as the nursery is 7 miles from me. I did suggest that should they want me to do that 2 days a week, the nursery could be the school next to my house but that's not convenient. So it's ok for ME to drive 7 miles there and back twice a week. But it's not ok for the parents to drive 7 miles there and back 3 times a week? Funny how that works isn't it?

You weren't the poster I was referring to so I don't know why you're objecting to this.

custardbear · 13/04/2023 13:26

Sone do, sone don't, no obligation

Itsaboutdamntime899 · 13/04/2023 13:26

I agree with you.

It's particularly shocking when your own parents (mines) had regularly childcare from both their parents, to help in the school holidays etc and then they dont even offer it to their own children, to help out with their grandchildren.

HoppingPavlova · 13/04/2023 13:27

I’d think it was morally wrong if my children could only manage the children they choose to have by me/DH having to take over responsibility for a certain number of days.

We lived several hours away from the closest parent (geographically), certainly didn’t factor in any obligation in this respect when we chose to have our kids.

Iwasafool · 13/04/2023 13:28

saraclara · 13/04/2023 13:24

Yep. A GP would be mad to take on their GCs' care in expectation that it would result in their kids taking care of them when they're elderly. It's pretty rare now that anyone is in a position to care for elderly parents. Most are still working or still bringing up their own families (albeit that they're now teenagers).

I'm 67/ My DGDs are 3 and under 1. When I get to 80, my DD is going to be busy with two teenagers (maybe more) GCSEs will be coming up and she'll still be working full time. I have no expectations that she'll be available to do much, never mind enough to keep me out of a care home.

I look after my DGDs at random times, out of pleasure and to help my DD informally. Not in expectation of anything. But no, I cannot commit to regular weekly care, nor do I have the energy for it.

Show quote history

I'm very close to my two eldest GC in particular, love the little ones and hope it will develop the same way. The eldest GC said he'd make sure my kids didn't put me in some horrible home when I'm old and the 2nd one agreed. I hate to say it but they'd probably be more reliable than my own kids but I'm not sure why. My kids were incredibly close to my mum, I was to my gran so maybe it is just a family thing.

Canibuyahouse · 13/04/2023 13:28

LemonDrizzleyCake · 13/04/2023 13:19

Why do posters start these AIBU threads and never come back to engage with the topic they started?

Lazy journalism. MNHQ looking for a post to put on social media to drive engagement. Other websites coming over to poke the bear.

Take your pick!

BestestBrownies · 13/04/2023 13:28

YABU. How very ridiculous and entitled of you. They are the kids' grandparents, not your staf

BestestBrownies · 13/04/2023 13:29

*staff

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2023 13:29

uniformotxa · 13/04/2023 11:21

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

I help out with my DGC a lot.

However, at what point in our lives can we live them as we want without considering anyone else?

I can't go away without checking that childcare can be covered by the parents (they obviously can't just take holiday whenever they feel like it). Can't be spontaneous.

I love my DGC and don't begrudge what we do for them but if other people want to live their lives for themselves, then good luck to them!

HoppingPavlova · 13/04/2023 13:30

Funnily, we also didn’t do the ‘fuck you’ to our parents for not dropping their lives and coming to look after our kids we chose to have. We did what we could for them in their old age, distance permitting.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 13/04/2023 13:31

i haven’t read the full thread but it all depends on circumstances doesn’t it and everyone has different circumstances. I work with someone who gladly looks after her dc she’d do it every day if she could she’s said that . She takes annual leave to look after grandchild and has even reduced her hours to help which in my opinion is asking too much but she wants to do it and that’s the point . I’ve also worked with someone else who would think the opposite she’s had her children and she can’t and won’t be a constant babysitter.
ive had help off both sets of grandparents with my dc and in all honesty I wouldn’t of been able to work if it wasn’t for them . Saying that I’ve had issues with my dad he totally resented me asking for help even though my mum offered. I was a young mum and childcare wasn’t affordable for me not that that’s there problem but if they offer I will take it gladly.
I was the eldest of 3 and I had to help with my younger siblings much more than I’d ever ask of my dc because I was told that’s what family do so when my dad would moan when I asked for help considering I provided childcare as s child for their own children is a bit of a contradiction. He doesn’t really see his grandchildren but that’s his choice .

FlipFlops4Me · 13/04/2023 13:32

My DS and DIL have offered precisely not a minute of respite care so that I can perhaps go down town without my brain damaged, disabled DH. They are quite happy for me to pay for private respite care. We do live in the same small town.

My DS will take me to a shop and wait while I get something in a hurry and then bring me home (but I do my main shop online, and I buy most things online but occasionally you need to see what you're choosing), but I've never had the luxury of time to myself knowing that DH is being cared for - not even for an hour.

I'm afraid you reap what you sow - I won't be offering to help with grandchildren at all.

Pickingmyselfup · 13/04/2023 13:32

No but I think it's a bit mean to never do any babysitting at all providing the grandparents are physically able. I don't mean regular childcare but just the odd evening or something. It's a nice thing to do and I think it really helps strengthen the bond based on my personal experience as a child when I was looked after by my grandparents.

My parents have just had my kids for 2 days whilst I worked. Due to mileage we don't spend a lot of time with them so it's been lovely for the grandparents and children to spend time together and they've all had a great time. Saved me £100 in childcare too so it's a win win situation all round.

Dotjones · 13/04/2023 13:32

YANBU, it's morally wrong for grandparents who are able to look after their grandchildren to refuse to do so. Ultimately the grandchildren exist because the grandparents had children of their own so they are at least as equally responsible as the parents are.

Obviously there's a big difference between a frail 85 year old grandparent and a fit 55 year old grandparent, but the grandparent should offer to provide as much free care as they are able.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 13/04/2023 13:32

They're grandparents not built in babysitters.

Neither of ours help, I don't begrudge them at all just don't expect me to go wiping their bums when they can't do it anymore. 🤣

AskMeMore · 13/04/2023 13:32

When I was young parents only provided regular childcare to adult children who were poor.

FlipFlops4Me · 13/04/2023 13:33

FlipFlops4Me · 13/04/2023 13:32

My DS and DIL have offered precisely not a minute of respite care so that I can perhaps go down town without my brain damaged, disabled DH. They are quite happy for me to pay for private respite care. We do live in the same small town.

My DS will take me to a shop and wait while I get something in a hurry and then bring me home (but I do my main shop online, and I buy most things online but occasionally you need to see what you're choosing), but I've never had the luxury of time to myself knowing that DH is being cared for - not even for an hour.

I'm afraid you reap what you sow - I won't be offering to help with grandchildren at all.

I haven't so far been able to afford the private respite care ......

AskMeMore · 13/04/2023 13:33

And adult children do not provide the care to older relatives that used to be normal. Virtually everyone uses paid carers.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 13/04/2023 13:33

I don't think I would like to commit to say every Thursday or whatever but would be happy to help out with babysitting/childcare on an ad hoc basis. I think you spend so much of your life constricted by work that by the time I get to retirement I would just like freedom from responsibilities. Oh it's a sunny day I'm going to go on day to trip to x town or whatever.

My parents have very little interest in my children and have never babysat them, my mil had the kids over when they small for a night here and there when she asked to have to them but we never asked for her to babysit.