to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

I think this is a fair point.

Not everyone wants to be a mother and that in turn extends to being a grandmother. 27 isn't young but the poster clearly wasn't ready for motherhood and indeed by her post doesn't appear to be enjoying it either. Surely you can read between the lines on what she's saying?

Yes, absolutely agree with this.

How selfish

‘It’s better in other cultures…’ is always spouted by those that see the benefits for themselves, without considering those the weight of obligation ends up falling on. ‘Stepping up’ because you want to is a different animal to ‘stepping up’ because you have to.

Consider also that in exchange for stepping up, extended families do expect to be given greater levels of control over how the children they’re caring for are raised, even to the point of having greater influence than the parents. I think a lot of UK parents would struggle with that.

As far as moral obligation goes - it’s a meaningless statement really. You may think a grandparent does, but if the grandparent in question doesn’t then your thoughts on the matter are irrelevant.

You are not wrong OP. But lots is people on here will tell you that the minute your child turns 16, you must throw them out. In fact you must subject them to hunger games because they are an ‘adult’.

No doubt these are the same people dumped in nursing homes to live out the last years of their miserable lives, with the odd visit at Xmas from their children. Oh well, if that’s how they roll.

But they have already done their child rearing, why are they selfish for not doing it all over again in the expectation of being looked after in their older years?

That seems terribly unfair.

I do see the social expectation that grandparents living reasonably close would get involved to some extent.

In the same time, there's nothing wrong with keeping the arrangement ad hoc, season-dependent, or centered on covering emergencies.
Even one day every week is a serious commitment.

Nope. I have no intention of providing regular childcare to grandchildren when I’m older. I’ll have raised two kids and will have worked for 40 years.

Occasionally babysitting fine but no bloody way am I being tied down again once my own gig is up.

Should retired/healthy grandparents do your cleaning for you? your laundry? your gardening? Not sure why providing unpaid childcare while you work is any different?

I do think that providing occasional help with childcare of the sort that is harder to arrange is kind of a reasonable expectation. I'm thinking more ad hoc babysitting at evenings and weekends. Particularly overnight babysitting if you want to go to a grown-up event that isn't local. But I still wouldn't call it a moral obligation! And they should certainly be able to say no if they have other plans or it just gets a bit much.

It absolutely is about the "having a village" not bowling into your home on a quarterly visit and expect the red carpet treatment and judging the hell out of the home.

Society seems to have become very selfish.

Gosh. Do you exploit the good will and labour of everyone else you encounter, or do you subsidise your lifestyle only by exploiting your nearest and dearest? Clearly you regard what they do as a burden — one that you know you wouldn't be prepared to take on yourself.

If I'm not too old I'd definitely offer emergency childcare and ad hoc babysitting, I'd also be up for overnights once they were a bit older and possibly even a long weekend, ora week in the school holidays. But the idea that I'm obliged to take on regular childcare? Hilarious 😂

Should retired/healthy grandparents do your cleaning for you? your laundry? your gardening? Not sure why providing unpaid childcare while you work is any different?

Wow.

Again, GPs are older and tireder these days.

My own grandmother was 42 when I was born. My mum was 52 when she became a grandmother. I was 64 when my first GC was born.

It's an entirely different ball game looking after babies/small children at 64, than it is in one's mid40s or even 50s.

Also, providing emergency help to fill a gap while you making other arrangements might be expected, rather than regular care. I think it also makes a difference what the your and your parents' relative financial situations are. I couldn't imagine expecting my parents to work for me for free if I was on a high income and they weren't!

Your parents do look after your children, @uniformotxa . They take the children out when it fits in with their plans.

Providing regular, fixed childcare is a totally different kettle of fish. YABVU to feel entitled to that, and disrespectful of your parents to judge their morals for not committing to it.

My parents were brilliant; had the children for weekends so we could go away, stepped in during emergencies, took them
on so many exciting adventures. This was once they were about 3 or 4 until teen years.
But almost always based on what suited their schedule, as was entirely reasonable.

They travelled frequently, took impromptu trips around the country, had many friends and activities keeping them busy. No way should my need for childcare curtail their life that way.

No, I absolutely disagree. I don't expect to provide any childcare for future grandchildren, and it isn't morally poor whatsoever.

I didn't stay with any grandparents when I was a child, I never thought anything of it at all, always had a good relationship with either side.

I never expected grandparents to provide any care whatsoever for my own children either; I'd chosen to have children and it was entirely my responsibility to sort out childcare, not rely on family members. As my children grew older, they went to stay with my parents on the odd occasion....not because I asked but because my parents quite liked it. But these were short, one-off holidays rather than childcare. My husband's parents provided nothing at all, and I didn't expect them to, nor think any less of them for it.

Now my own children are adults, they are free to do whatever they like but they are responsible for their own lives/decisions, and any children they have aren't my responsibility. I have done my years of motherhood and don't expect to do any more for someone else's children, even my own grandchildren.
Besides which, with the current cost of living crisis, I'm still working myself and don't have the time anyway. When I get older I shall want to slow down, not still be running after kids into my old age!!

Again, GPs are older and tireder these days.

Not all. Only those who had children older.

I didn't want to keep my daughter when I first found out I was pregnant because I was only 27

Only 27 😂I'm embarrassed for you...you were hardly a teen mum. Grow up and look after your own child. Pathetic

WOW! You've really thrown a hand grenade out there haven't you @uniformotxa

No, I think it's morally questionable to expect your parents or PIL to do childcare.

It's entirely their choice.

I never had any help (long distance parents) and am unlikely to be able to offer my DCs any as they are long distance (but have not got children yet.)

I have friends in their mid-late 60s who are just becoming grandparents and they have refused to child-mind on a regular basis.

Their reasons are they have been tied with family responsibilities for over 30 years, (some are still actively caring for their own parents who are aged 90+) and deserve a break, to do what they want, when they want.

I think it's a bonus if parents help out but you are coming over as selfish and entitled to expect it.

I understand and agree that there are things you should do morally, BUT when these things become an expectation by the person on the receiving end it changes everything.
I wouldn't then blame the person doing the morally right thing to withdraw from these people who begin to expect stuff as it then changes from a morally decent thing to do to a demanded expectation from an entitled person who then sucks the goodness out of the decent moral person doing the right thing. That expectation/right is toxic and completely counteracts the good that decent morals can bring into people's lives.

I think there's also an issue with people having kids later and therefore grandparents being a lot older by the time grandkids arrive. My parents are in good health but they are in their 70s. It isn't realistic or reasonable for me to expect them to cope with a toddler for extended periods of time, when it knackers me at 39.

Just because you are fit enough to still go on a city break in your 70s, it does not mean you are still cut out for coping with an energetic 12kg toddler who doesn't want to cooperate with a nappy change.

My grandparents used to take me and my sibling for a couple of weeks each summer, but they were in their very early 60s.

The OP you’re quoting didn’t want to keep the pregnancy. It sounds like she only went ahead because her mother wanted her to, and promised that level of help in order to convince her. It’s absolutely fair enough to hold her to that one tbh.

My daughter regular voices how dissapointed she is in me refusing to have her 1 and 2 year old regularly. But I will have them occasionally for the whole day, or even over night every 6 months or so. But she pouts and whines and threatens to stop me seeing them unless I "firm up " arrangements to make it regular.

But. And this is important. They are not my children. I've raised my children. And I did so without ANY help. It's her choice to have two children, and I've got a funny feeling she may be ready to announce a third into the mix. That's an active choice to have 3 children, but it's ME that's got to put 24 hours a week aside to care for them, every year? But exactly WHY should I be made to have the 2-3 kids regularly when the simple truth is that I don't want to. I have a life of my own. Just like she does.

But I've already paid my dues raising MY OWN children. But I'm more than happy to see an advert for a special event at a local park and take the kids out for 6-7 hours once every 4-6 weeks. Plus they come to mine for 4-6 hours EVERY Sunday for a roast dinner that I cook all on my own. And I see them EVERY Tuesday and Thursday for 2-3 hours. But not I've got to give a day up?

Just no. For gods sake! I spent 25 solid years raising 4 kids and I've still got a college age kid at home. I haven't even properly got MY life back yet but now I'm supposed to give it up? On yer bike.