to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

This attitude crosses over into the workplace, with predictable results. Women without kids get shafted for sumner and Christmases off because many parents think the fact they chose to have kids mean other women are morally obliged to help them save money on childcare.

And yes, it’s always women. Men never seem to be on the receiving end of this pressure. Wonder why.

many people want to move abroad when they get older. The warmer weather is good for things like arthritis and also there is the cost of living in the uk to consider. Why should people give that up in order to provide childcare for their grandchildren??
hint - they shouldn’t!

@strawberriesarenot This is what I was thinking! 🙈

@Emotionalstorm After all this support you're receiving, you'll only want to visit once a week to see your imaginary future grandchildren? Goodness.

Indeed.

If I don't want grandchildren, I think it's fair for me to say I will provide no regular childcare.

I feel like most of the time, it's a distance issue. My mum moved 3 hours away from her parents and didn't recieve help from her inlaws. When I had children she didn't help, explaining that she never had help either. So in her mind it set a precedent. I'd love to help mine when they have children, but that would depend if they lived nearby.

I never went for a day or a night to my grandparents. In fact I can only remember one occasion where my Nan had me, when I was ill, and mum must have had to go somewhere.
I always saw my grandparents at a visit with my parents, to me that’s normal.

How selfish do you sound. I absolutely hope to help my kids out with childcare if they get stuck etc but I absolutely won't be committing to a regular thing. My and dh hope to take advantage of last minute deals etc when we retire and travel again . I certainly won't be commuting to a regular day.

It's awful , once upon a time what we expected from our parents was a loving supportive home while growing up , now it appears to some entitled brats, it's expected that weekly childcare be supplied as well to be worthy of the term good parents.

I've talked to my eldest about this and they're happy for me to step in on an ad-hoc basis but do not want me to do what my parents did with them, which was effectively take over their parenting by stealth. A lot of very generous offers of help with after school care, a couple of nights a week and before we knew it they felt they had overriding say in my child's upbringing, any attempts to stand up for myself came with a lot of arguments and being called ungrateful.

Be careful what you wish for.

YABU.

I think providing sporadic babysitting for your kids is a nice thing, but providing regular, weekly and consistent childcare is expecting too much. It would mean that they would have to limit their lives and tie their schedules to suit your schedule. That is completely unfair.

Every family is different-and some GPs would be happy to provide a day per week childcare-and others not so. Just because someone is retired doesn't mean that they're then obligated to provide free childcare.

It doesn't make them bad GPs for not wanting to tie themselves down to an arrangement that suits you and not them.

It's also worth noting and remembering nothing in life is guaranteed. They may be perfectly healthy, fit and active now. That may not last long-so should they spend their good retirement years when they could be enjoying their freedom, seeing places and doing things, looking after your kids?

Many GPs may avoid such regular arrangements because they know how difficult it would be to get out of it once it starts. So many GPs get taken advantage of in a bad way. It could also pose issues should they want to book trips away as they may feel beholden to the childcare arrangement and we all know how some parents act when their CC gets taken away.

Nah, there's no moral obligation whatsoever. You choose to have kids, you take care of them and provide for them.

To expect childcare from grandparents is entitled.

I don't think it is that simple to morally provide regular childcare as there other factors at play. Eg

• What if the children all lived in different locations miles or countries apart - which one do you help?
• What if the GPs are separated? Should just one do it, or both - and if so would it be equal days/time?
• When do the GPs get to go on holidays themselves or attend appointments etc? Should they morally only take time off when their children do so not to disrupt childcare?
• Should they give more free childcare to a child of theirs who is on less income than another child?
• What happens if there is more than 1 child to help? If a GP had 5 children who all had children of their own. Would the GP be morally obliged then to provide 5 days of free childcare for each of their children - plus be on hand for emergencies and the odd nights to cover parent's evening/childfree evenings etc?

Well you haven’t met the dog!

You can only decide how much childcare you will provide fir your children. Out of interest, hoe many do you have and if they all have 3 kids would you still do it?

When I was growing up my parents lived on my dad’s very low wage and mum stayed home and looked after us until we went to school. They had no holidays, no nights out and were renting a council house.

I think it would be morally repugnant for me to have expected free childcare from my mother so they we would have more money for our large mortgage and overseas holidays.

Mum was always happy to babysit when we went out, which was lovely. And she has a great relationship with all her grandchildren because she was always interested in them, would get down on the floor and play with them and had endless patience.

Childcare’s a breeze compared to eldercare. Which is what GP will be after shortly - probably for many more years than small DC.

I don’t think looking after your grandchildren is a moral absolute, but I do think people who scive it are selfish and silly.

Sorry but no. Providing occasional childcare is fine if they are willing to do that. Restricting their well earned retirement by committing to set days of childcare, absolutely not. Why should they.
I appreciate lots of Grandparents do - that's their choice - but there is no moral obligation to do so.

Yes! Utterly annoying.

I don’t always think parents feeling like this is actually about childcare.

It’s about having a village and a support network. More and more women are expected to work like they don’t have children and parent like they don’t work. House prices and cost of living means more than ever it’s a luxury to be a stay at home parent (or being forced into this due to childcare costs).

Having someone say it’s super hard being a parent or how about you pop out for a walk for 30mins while I watch the kids would help people.

Grandparents who want to come visit and dont offer to bring food, demand you visit them or just generally accept how hard it is (or like my parents like to tell me they had it harder) aren’t supportive….I think that’s the actual issue for many people.

It's going to be interesting to see the impact of working longer, later life childbearing, and selfish cross generational attitudes on the care sector in the long term.

Millennials won't get their state pension until their 70s is the latest predictions.

@Emotionalstorm

is that not a hypocritical of you?
you are benefiting from all this grandparent support yet should you become a grandparent yourself you’d visit just once a week?! Eh!?

This was a bit of a sore subject between myself and a former friend. She was a SAHM to one child, by choice. Her husband a wealthy farmer, she hadnt worked since they got married. Her DD was in nursery 3 mornings a week and she still kicked and screamed that neither me (godmother but working 50 hours a week) or her parents (both still working) would take on any childcare.

Im expecting my first now and I firmly believe you chose to have kids you are in charge of looking after them. Full stop

Quite I had DD at 20 , me and DH have arranged and paid for the childcare ourselves. It's why we haven't had anymore DC I wouldn't expect them to. She sees grandparents for fun only and sleepovers she goes for sometimes a week so that's handy. I would send money for DGCs nursery fees in future but I wouldn't be a full time unpaid childminder. It's highly likely I will still be working when if DD has children.

‘Letting the days roll by leisurely’ is what retirement is for. You mentioned the horrendous cost of childcare, so I’m assuming you would expect them to do it for nothing, and while I think contact with grandparents plays an important part in the childs’ life, it should be on their terms and I’m sure they would step up in the event of any problems. But they are your children and your responsibility, and you shouldn’t be treating family as unpaid childcare.

I think grandparents should do what they are comfortable with so long as parents happy with that. We have done 1-2 days a week with our DGDs since they were about 6 months. Now they are both at school we offer usually 2 days a week in school holidays and other GPs offer the same. If we go on holiday we usually switch so there is never an issue. I do not think it is morally wrong not to offer but GPs probably need to accept their relationship with their DGC will not be as close as those of us who offer regular childcare and spend more time with them. I also think most of us offer help because it is our DC who struggle if we don't.

I would have to say there are two of us and one of our DGDs has special needs so it is exhausting but also rewarding and we are in good health and early 60s. If it was just me alone I would have to modify what I offered until they were older.